Teenager is self harming

[Annie77]

Maybe you could look into solution focused brief therapy. Instead of focusing on the 'problem areas' of her life, SFBT will help your daughter to identify her needs and use /develop her resources and strengths.
ie the problem is she is self-harming - conservative counselling will seek to examine why this is happening, how she feels when she does it and how it makes her feel.Talking in this manner can actually increase stress and anxiety and produce feelings of guilt and shame.

SFBT asks the question 'was there a day when you didn't cut yourself / didn't do it so much' and then examine what was different about this day, how she managed to get through the day without self-harming, how she coped with feelings of self-harm without actually doing it. Not only does this focus on what is 'going well' it is effective in highlighting underlying problems but in an indirect way.

If you are looking for counselling, please try to find someone who uses this approach (i am a therapist who uses it and it has changed my practice and the lives of some of my patients)

 

[Lazy Leo]

Hi, I just wanted to offer a hug and some thoughts that I hope you can get to the bottom of this. I have second experience of self-harm, a very close friend did this but the main thing is after a lot of help she got through it. She did have to come to terms with what had caused her to behave like that and it was an arduous road for her. I am not going to go into details as a) it's not my story and b) I don't think it will help you to hear it. At the end of the day my friend got through it and is a happy mum now.

I'm glad you are taking it seriously and looking for help to get through this awful situation.

 

[cat_reversing]

Just wanted to say a few things, firstly that i think it's a really good thing that you are trying to help your daughter with this issue. I self harmed from about 15, had a bad episode during a school trip when i was 17 and finally stopped after i cut myself deeper than i wanted to when i was about 26. In my experience, self harm in its many forms can be for different reasons which may not be obvious to anyone else, and things that one person can cope with, another person can't; everyone is different in that way. Make sure she knows you won't be angry or reject her in any way if she feels that she must self harm, keep the communication open, and if she does do it - comfort her. IME it takes a lot to cause yourself pain and the thought that you feel bad enough to want to do that to yourself can be distressing in itself. Depression, suicidal feelings and self harm are, IME, really hard for other people to understand, eg my nan just doesn't understand why i wouldn't like myself as she thinks i'm a lovely person but it's all about how i feel about myself. Good luck with everything and I hope you find a way to really help her and get her through this time.

 

[Mummy1995]

I self harmed from the age of 12 to 16 so not that long ago (stopped as I know LO needs a stable mum). Although it may not be the case, I would say that saying there are no triggers is a lie, as it tends to always stem from somewhere whether its an argument or what..

My mum tried to get me to get help but I wouldn't and honestly, although it prolonged my selfharm and suffering I think it was best as I was able to find ways of coping myself Although again this is not always the best way.. it just was for me.

I would say you should suggest she write down her feelings and emotions and maybe burn them? Although I turned mine into poems and that really helped me!

Just make sure she 100% has your support and try to understand even though I know it is hard to do! xx

 

[iBabyGirli]

hope all is well :C

 

[Ceejay123]

Please don't force your daughter - It will only make matters worse and make her feel as though she can't trust you. I was forced - I resented my counsellor.

 

[Maxy1]

I agree with you making her see a counsellor. If she has let you know that she is self harming then it would seem that she is ready to figure out why she is doing and it and try to stop.

Maybe she doesn't know what her triggers are and that's why she says she doesn't have any. IME its can just be a low mood (depression) and self harming can make 'it' feel better. Its a coping strategy.

My school friends made me go to a counsellor due to other behaviours I was displaying and when the counsellor found out about the SI she pretty much ignored it to focus on what she considered the main behavioural issue, so it continued far longer than it should have and got way out of hand because I saw that as permission to keep going. So I would check with the counsellor that they have experience or know how to deal with the issues surrounding it.

So much conflicting advice on here, but you sound like you are doing a great job and paying attention and trying to help without being intrusive, which is very admirable.

 

[Solena]

I've been a self harmer for a very long time now, but it started getting really bad at 15. I don't know what it's like to be a parent with a child who is self harming (and hope I never will).

From what I'm reading, you're doing the right things so far. You're giving her questions and phrasing them in a way that allows her to give you a yes/no answer or a fuller response. You're giving her the opportunity to have counseling - something that could do a lot for her when she's willing to go. I'm really glad to hear that she's seeming a lot better now

As for the trigger thing, I had no clue what my triggers were to begin with, and I ended up working them out mostly on my own. If she's not harming anymore, it's not as important but still can be useful to work out what triggers are.

 

[MommaAlexis]

I had no clue what my triggers were until I wrote down everything that happened on a calendar. I noticed if my one friend was mad at me, I'd SH within two days of our arguments. I didn't feel like that was why I did it, but it was the same trend for months. That was eight years ago. I ended up dating him a while later, and he cut up his entire legs and chest and looked me in the face and said "this is what you do to me every time." It really broke my heart and made me start trying to quit. It wasn't easy and by then I was addicted to it, I still am. I haven't SH'd in about a year now. I ran an online self help kind of website. Because if someone out there didn't cut, even once, because of me I felt better. My mom forced me to a councellor when she read my diary. she totally belittled it, saying I was being too dramatic and got it from my friends. I struggled alone for eight years because she refused to admit it was serious. This summer we went to the beach, I wore a bikini for the first time this year. It was the first time she saw how many scars I had, for the first time, I guess she realized what I meant when I said I struggled with it. Some people, it is just a phase, but never assume that. If I didn't have such a good friend, I don't know if it would have been too late for me to stop. It can be terrifying, I hope she never gets that bad.

 

[Ceejay123]

:/ this thread is difficult to read without memories coming back. Hope your daughters okay. X

 

[kirst76]

My daughter has self harmed in the past too and I never realised things had got that bad. I feel guilty for not seeing it and just now her school nurse has called to say that her depression is back and it has gone from mild to severe.
I've just been crying and talking to my husband because my daughter hides it and pretends that everything is alright....she is super good at it too!
The school nurse has referred her on to an organisation that will help her with the depression.

 

[Mellybelle]

My daughter has self harmed in the past too and I never realised things had got that bad. I feel guilty for not seeing it and just now her school nurse has called to say that her depression is back and it has gone from mild to severe.
I've just been crying and talking to my husband because my daughter hides it and pretends that everything is alright....she is super good at it too!
The school nurse has referred her on to an organisation that will help her with the depression.

I'm so sorry that you are going through the same thing. Did your daughter tell you that she was self harming? Is she happy to go and see someone?

 

[kirst76]

Yeah she did tell me but only recently and she has since stopped. She was cutting about a year ago. I felt so bad because as a mother I should know what is going on but after talking to my SIL about it she said that I only know what my daughter wants me to know....which is very true!
Anyway, last night things came to a head and my daughter finally told my SIL why she feels the way she feels and my SIL let my daughter know that she was going to talk to me about it which was fine with her.
You see my eldest has a different dad (donor) to the rest of the girls. I met my husband when she was 2 and she loved Rob right from the beginning and he loves her too. Rob and me never started out own family until eldest was 7+ and her and my husband had already established a relationship by then. Then comes this little baby who my husband loves to bits and eldest sees how different he is with them both. Now we have 3 children together and although hubby is great with the eldest its never going to be the same as it is with the others only because he hasn't been there from the very beginning.
Eldest is finding this very difficult to deal with only because her donor has never been there at all. She doesn't know him and has never met him. She feels very rejected by this and wonders what is wrong with her even though its not her fault. I have been very careful not to bad mouth her donor to her (I have never thought it would be fair of me) but my SIL seems to think that maybe I should, just not about the stuff he did to me....only the things he has done to her and let her know that it only reflects badly on his behalf and that it shouldn't fall on her.
Me and hubby have a plan that she maybe gets to spend some one on one time with him and then some time with just me, Rob and her.
She is happy to go to counselling and we have an appointment set up tomorrow although I dont think she'll talk with me there....I'll have to excuse myself.

I hope your daughter is doing better now!

 

[Ceejay123]

I self harmed as a teenager - My Mother didn't notice. It wasn't her fault at all! I know that - I just hid it so well. Don't beat yourselves up girls. If you need to talk to somebody thats been there, or need advice on how to approach her, feel free to PM me. x

 

[lhancock90]

There is always a trigger, don't force it out of her, allow her to feel comfortable with telling you x

 

[Muppet]

Sorry, I haven't read the entire thread but I just wanted to help.
I'm 17, and self harmed from like, 11, sadly.
So it might help hearing from someone more recent?
I was different to everyone else at school, I already had boobs, B cup at that! started my periods, was taller and very womanly for my age.
Everyone else wasnt, and they were stick thin, etc.
I really struggled and whenever this got me down I'd self harm, because I thought it was my fault.
This continued til I was about 13/14.
I used to cover it up all the time, but my mum noticed it and challenged me about it one day.
She asked a load of questions and I just shrugged and mumbled, typical 'i dont want to go to councelling' kinda thing.

It's really hard to break away, but I started socialising with older kids, cus I fitted in. This can be positive and negative, depending on the kinds of older kids! If she has any slightly older friends, encourage her to socialise with them. It'll also make her feel more mature and involved. I liked it cus I fitted in, and became happy.

Try and encourage activities that make her happy!
Also, now I'm about to have my own child, I'm SO embarrassed about my scars, I hope they fade a lot before she ever notices them and clocks on!

This might just be ramblings, but I hope I've atleast given a different view on why people do it?
Good luck! The best you can do is support her, don't nag about it!
x

 

[Tanikit]

I would advise looking at this site: www.busmail.org/phpBB - it is a forum for self-harmers and their families. Before allowing your daughter to get on the site though make sure you look it over yourself as reading others stories can make the self harm worse in teenagers.

Usually there is a problem expressing emotions (particularly anger - it takes a lot of anger and frustration to harm oneself so usually it is used to express anger/frustration/irritation that the person feels is overwhelming) and how to deal with emotions needs to be addressed. Dialectical behaviour therapy is particularly effective for self harmers because it teaches the person to stay in the present and deal with what life throws at them now rather than worrying over other things and it also helps to examine how you are feeling without acting out on those feelings.

I also used to self harm and it took years to stop and much therapy though I was a lot older than your daughter when I started.

 

[Dahlia2007]

I did it once, at age 17. My boyfriend at the time was depressed and had confided in me that he did it sometimes. It was very hard for me to hear that. I decided to try it on my own time, and didn't tell him, because I wanted to see how he felt. I didn't like it and never did it again. It was more of something emotional for me to try and put me down to his level and help me understand. Although, I still didn't understand it.

He has had emotional/personal issues throughout his college years. It was all combined with drugs and alcohol, but I'm not sure to what extent he continued to self harm, or even if he continued with it into his college years at all.

Just wanted to tell you about my isolated experience. It was purely curiosity reasons for my doing it once, but it was very emotional when I did it.