I have a 16yr old dd. When she is tired and stressed and possibly hungry, she lashes out. Pretty much anything could set it off. I learned not to say anything, and just bring her some hot chocolate or tea and a snack, and try really hard not to say anything. (I don't ask how her day went, etc. though I may ask if she is eating dinner in her room or with us - but typically later after she ate a snack)
Over the years, I have found that if I didn't like something she did, to logically explain why it is wrong. (ex - don't like the hot food in the freezer - calmly take it out while saying 'oh, I don't want the other food to get ruined in there, so I'll just take it out and cool it down first, ok?') So you are not blaming her, or telling her what to do - she comes up with that herself. If she argues to say it'll be ok, just say you want to make sure, or start talking about how the thawing and refreezing of food items makes them not last as long and taste bad.
I also learned that her as a teenager - to not blame/confront her, but just tell her how I feel about the action, and stress the 'me' part, and try not to tell her what to do. It was really hard to get used to doing that.
Now, I feel like I am just a guidance person. She makes decisions, some good, some bad, I try
really really hard not to point out the obvious, since she does know, and me pointing it out only upsets both of us.
I think of her as going off to college in another year and a half, and that she'll be completely on her own... I still do her laundry, and ask her if she can gather her garbage in her room since it is garbage day tomorrow etc. But typically when I ask her to do something, I say why, so she knows there is a reason, and I am not doing it out of spite.
ex:
It is garbage day tomorrow, I can give you a bag for it if you can put stuff in, that'd be great.
I am doing laundry today, if you want me to do yours, can you bring it down for me?
Can you empty the dishwasher for me? I am trying to clean up this other area, etc.
- Some times she responds No, and that is fine. Now she actually explains why to me if she says No. I have found that eventually she tries to help out, and does appreciate it. (She has a few hours of homework/night, so sometimes she really doesn't have time to do stuff, and get her 'own' time in)
If she is feeling down a bit, I ask if everything is ok, and if there is anything I can do, maybe give her a backrub. If it is more troubling, I explain to her what I've seen her do in the past few days etc, and ask her about it.
The respect thing is harder to gain back, but very doable
I'm sure you'll get there
She obviously does has some issues with your weight, and the cleaning level and may think you aren't doing enough to what she thinks you can do (if she thinks you can do better - she does care). She probably has no idea what you do all day, and doesn't realize all the things you do actually do - so she is assuming/guessing. Though, if I read between the lines, I'd say she cares about her big sister and doesn't like to see you 'dumbing yourself down' Again - she may just be assuming/guessing about stuff. I found my dd did that alot...they seem to like to draw their own conclusions now...wrong or right...
It is probably very hard for both of you because she is your sister, and she probably wants her sister sometimes, and not a mother to talk to. I'd imagine it would be very hard to be both.
Good on you for fighting for her and trying to help her. She'll realize it eventually if she doesn't already.
Sorry I went on and on....I hope it helps somewhat?
