Terrified about going back to work...

[SoupDragon]

I'm going back to work when DD is almost 10 months old...I have to return full time as I am the main earner out of me and DH. I am asking for a fixed early shift so I can be home to pick up DD from her childminder by 4pm but I don't know if I will be allowed this...should find out on Thursday. It makes more sense for me to work Mon-Fri normal length days, as if I worked fewer days but longer hours I wouldn't even see her for half the week. DH hasn't got the option to go part time either - he'd have to give up his position, which we can't afford.

We have arranged a very good childminder for DD - whenever we have visited the kids look like they're having a whale of a time and me and DH are very impressed with the set-up.

But I actually can't bear the thought of giving DD to someone else all day to look after, and not being there for her myself. Since she was born, she's been with me all the time except for half an hour here or there where I've left her with DH or my Mum, and I can count those occasions on one hand.

I feel like DD is going to bond more with the childminder than she has with me, and that I won't be raising her any more. It breaks my heart and I can't do anything about it. I can't work from home due to the nature of my job, and I can't earn anywhere like what I'm on now in another job without spending 10 years retraining.

How do I deal with this?

 

[AK89]

I'm right there with you (well, kinda) but I'm just about to put DD down to bed so I'll reply later. Hugs

 

[Izzie74]

Me too. I think the babies will be fine, it's us mummies who will suffer! I'm just planning on making the most of evenings, weekends and holidays. Our childminder us asking lots of questions about what we do and what we want, so hoping she will model what we want for our lo, albeit in her own way.

 

[shinona]

It is so hard to leave them and go back to work, much worse than actually birthing them! You will manage it and you will make the most of your time together but it is tough. I never quite shake the feeling that I'm doing neither my career or raising my children as well as I should. Sorry, I don't want to bring you down but thought I should be honest. Having good childcare is more than half the battle as you'll be more relaxed knowing lo is well looked after.
Good luck. It won't be as bad as you think it's going to be xx

 

[AK89]

You're very lucky that you've found childcare that you're happy with! My plan is to start my DD at nursery.. My OH is off Mon-Weds and I'm probably just gonna go part-time, but I want her to have the experience of going to nursery so she can socialise with other babies. I might just put her in one or two mornings a week. I know that means I'm not in exactly the same position as you but I definitely know where you're coming from with being terrified of it.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've been apart from her for longer than half an hour! She's breastfed and pretty much won't take a bottle. The whole idea of going back to work fills me with anxiety

I know it'll all be fine and all the freaking out will be for nothing but it's hard to remind myself that sometimes!

 

[cjwn]

It is hard. I went back full time just before DS1 turned 10 months, his dad also works full time, we have a very good childminder too, but I still cried every morning for the first week or so. I've now got DS2 and facing the prospect of going back to work full time when he is 7 months. The only thing that makes it easier is seeing how much DS1 loves going to the childminder and making the absolute most of evenings and weekends.

 

[MindUtopia]

Give it time and ease into it if you can (if you can work part-time even for a few weeks or months, that would help), but also know that having a strong attachment also means fostering connections with other trusting caregivers and that's a healthy thing. We are incredibly lucky to have as much time off as we do in the UK. My friends in the U.S. all had to go back to full-time work in 6 weeks. You've built a wonderful bond with your LO and it will only be strengthened by forming attachments to other adults and learning how to be out their in the world with others. My daughter started at nursery part-time at 9 months (after a month of settling in, which I think was really crucial). She's 2 now and I work 4 days a week, with one weekday off with her (sometimes my husband has off with her) and the weekends. Our bond is incredibly solid. She has lovely relationships with her key worker and other carers at nursery and she has some adorable friendships with other kids, but we're her family and her rock. She has fun there, but they aren't a replacement for us. We really prioritise the time we do have with her. We don't watch tv. We interact, she helps me made dinner, we have family dinners, and we still bedshare at night, so we have lots of really high quality time together. We also make our weekends about family. We don't go off and do separate activities. It's very much focused on just us as a family. We, but mostly my husband, also run a small business in addition to my job, so when he has to work on the weekends trading at festivals and things in the summer, we go with him and help so we're together even if he has to work a weekend. We just make those times we do have together really high quality and about family.

Also, for me, the time away to work is 'me time'. I love my job and I love using my brain in a different way that I do at home as a parent. It's refreshing and it's fun and I like doing it. I feel like I come home from a day of work feeling re-energised and excited about parenting, not as exhausted as I would be if I was at home all day. So for me, it's a positive because I feel like it makes me a better, more engaged parent. I don't take time together for granted the way I did when I was at home. It's also really fun to see my daughter build relationships with others. It wasn't as obvious when she was still a baby, but she's 2 now, and she gets to do all sorts of things with other kids that she wouldn't have the chance to do if she was home as there aren't many toddler activities or groups where we live, so it would mostly just be us doing things by ourselves. It's fun to see her develop friendships and trust in other adults and learn to stand her ground and come home having learned to use a word or do a certain thing that I had no idea could do. It's just fun to see how being in a social environment has really stimulated her in a way I don't feel like I could if it was just the two of us. So hang in there, take it slow, take it easy on yourself, and know it gets easier with time.

 

[Tattoo]

I went back to work full time when my oldest was just coming up to five months. It was hard! I was still breastfeeding, so I had to express a lot. We were fortunate in that my mum was able to look after her full time until she was a year old. This saved us an absolute fortune! Now, before I started maternity leave with my new baby, she is with my mum Monday to Wednesday and at nursery Thursday and Friday. She is happy. Of course, I feel horribly guilty! As someone else said, you often feel as though you are doing a half-arsed job at work and at parenting! But that's just mummy guilt, and you can't escape it, no matter what you do!
I think MindUtopia made a very good point about work being "me time". I want to return to work part time next year, but I could never give up my career entirely. I worked too hard to get where I am, and I enjoy my job. I have great colleagues. I like knowing that I have another aspect to my life, outside of my family.

 

[krissie328]

It is very hard. I went back when my son was 6 weeks old. But he has still bonded to me the most even though I am gone from 8-4 most days. He still wants me to hold him and cuddle when he doesn't feel good and I love his big smile when he sees me come to get him!

I do like my job which has been a blessing along with we have people we trust watching our son. It is so difficult each morning to let him go but I trust he is in good hands. I also agree that work is a good break. I like the stimulation I get and the different experiences and other kids Christian is exposed to.

In the end I have to rest assured he will be just fine no matter if I stayed home or worked. And so far he seems to be doing great.

 

[SoupDragon]

Thank you all, ladies, this is so reassuring. I think part of my apprehension is that DD is just beginning to start fretting when I leave the room, even if she's with her Daddy, and when she's upset she only wants me. She naps on me in the day and we cosleep from about midnight each night, so we're rarely apart.

But she socialises well with her baby friends (as much as they do at this age anyway) and the other mums at playgroup, and she is happy to stay with them for a few minutes if I dash to the loo or whatever. I hope that with the interesting environment and other children to play with that she will settle well...all I want is to know she's happy and for our bond not to suffer!

She will have a settling in period at the childminder over a few weeks...first I will stay with her, then I'll start e.g. popping home or into town for short periods, lengthening them gradually, until she is ok with the full day. I'm torn on doing this at the end of my mat leave as I know I'll just want to squeeze every second possible of time with her, but it's what's best for her.

That is a very good point about US ladies going back so early...I do think that system is very harsh and cruel, but all those babies know who their Mummy is, and their bonds are strong even though they're in childcare much earlier than most UK babies. I can see why so many US mummies become SAHMs though!

I love my job so much and trained for years for it, in fact still training to make my job even more awesome than it is currently. I kinda feel like I've forgotten how to do my job, lol, but I'm sure once I get back in there I'll be fine.

If my milk doesn't dry up I'll be expressing at work until she is a year old, but my boss is supportive of that, she's just trying to think of somewhere I can go...all the offices have massive windows in the doors! She couldn't confirm that I will get my requested hours as they are about to review the working day and the shift patterns, but I'm happy that she is going to try her best to accomodate my request. She also mentioned that if I wanted to review my hours again after I've finished my current training, she'd be fine with that too.

 

[Unlucky41]

I am in the same boat but dd is so Clingy to me she only ever naps on me. She is now 8.5 months and just came down to two naps. I tried to sleep train her for naps but it was so stressful. Two hours of on and off crying and all wouldn't sleep until on me! Couldn't do that again. So been training her for nights only as she gets more sleepy and now cries for under 30 minutes before sleeping. On and off crying.

Childcare is not going to let her sleep on them an age hates strangers. I am so scare she would just cry it out. Going back part time when she is 11 months just hope she breaks out of it!