the dream becoming more distant each month

[pcsoph2890]

I am beginning to not imagine me ever getting pregnant or ever holding our baby in our arms anymore.

It's 18 months ttc, we are on the path to ivf.

My body this month is over the place. Tender boobs before I circulated, ovulated really painful boobs. Due to see AF on the 14th, but I am spotting already, which is really unusual for me. I've just taken a FR pregnancy test the "no your not pregnant line" could not have appeared any quicker.

Hubby has low sperm count, but they are good swimmers though.

Not sure whether it is my head/heart trying to protect me from disappointment at the start of this journey.
But the odds are stacked against us being my age (38) in April and chances of ivf working is in the 30% region.

It's just something spend all your life trying to stop yourself from getting pregnant Then when you try it's almost impossible.

I try to be upbeat, but sometimes it hits me in waves - not sure whether it's pmt and all the hormones and emotions rushing round. But just wish my body would do it's job and just help me slightly!!!!

Right enough of me feeling sorry for myself, but just needed to vent somewhere where people know what I'm feeling, thinking etc!

 

[pcsoph2890]

Apologies just read above back, but this tablet has very annoying predictive text... and chooses some really random words that I don't notice!

Hope it makes sense????

 

[PinkPeony]

I was just saying almost the exact same thing to my DH yesterday. I feel totally detached from the idea of actually getting preg and having a baby. I can't even imagine how that will ever happen.
I keep going though and as the dream seems more impossible the more physical and emotional energy I find it takes from me as I go through the process and it gets so hard not to keep getting down about it.
Anyway.... Think I needed to get that vent out too. you're not alone and don't be hard on yourself for not being able to keep it together sometimes. LTTTC is a really hard thing to go through.

 

[Molae06]

I hope so much for you that the IVF works! LTTTC is the worst thing I have ever dealt with. Lost most of my friends over it, distanced myself from family, said the worst things a wife would ever say to their husband. LTTTC has turned me into the most bitter and doubtful person. I was so doubtful this past month that I threw my fertility meds into the toilet shouting around the house that there was no flipping point in taking them anyway, wasted the entire cycle, now I feel like it's going to be years before I have another cycle!

Sometime's I get down too and I think "that will never be me", but then sometimes I get this slightest hope. Such and up and down cycle it is. I know it's hard to stay positive, and I hate when people tell me to stay positive so I'm not going to tell you that. I will tell you that I do hope you find comfort in something to try to get you through these hard times.

 

[1babydreamer]

I feel like all you ladies are inside my head right now! This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. My DH and I have been TTC for 18 months now. I'm 34 (35 in April) and DH is 38. We've both had all the tests done and everything has come back normal. Normal sperm analysis, all my hormones and blood work is normal, hsg all clear, I even had a laparoscopy and they did remove some endometriosis, though that was over 6 months ago. We've just had our first consult with a fertility specialist and had more ultrasounds and tests done. All normal. I also had a very expensive EFT test done to test if my endometrium will accept implantation and the results again were normal! We're so frustrated at this point and I just feel sad and hopeless all the time. I never thought starting a family would be this hard. I'm so grateful to have a lovely, supportive husband but I still can't help feeling sad and alone, knowing its MY body that is failing us .
The next step for us is ivf but we just can't afford it yet and so we just keep trying and every month I get more hopeless . Time is against us and I just feel like we will never see those two lines.
At least we have each other here and can take some comfort in knowing we're not alone in our struggle.

 

[uwa_amanda]

I hope so much for you that the IVF works! LTTTC is the worst thing I have ever dealt with. Lost most of my friends over it, distanced myself from family, said the worst things a wife would ever say to their husband. LTTTC has turned me into the most bitter and doubtful person. I was so doubtful this past month that I threw my fertility meds into the toilet shouting around the house that there was no flipping point in taking them anyway, wasted the entire cycle, now I feel like it's going to be years before I have another cycle!

Sometime's I get down too and I think "that will never be me", but then sometimes I get this slightest hope. Such and up and down cycle it is. I know it's hard to stay positive, and I hate when people tell me to stay positive so I'm not going to tell you that. I will tell you that I do hope you find comfort in something to try to get you through these hard times.

This is me, in a nutshell. I have lost a lot of friends over this. My husband has been so supportive of me and has been there for me in my darkest days and vice versa. I don't really talk about it other than in here because I don't feel anybody understands. After some deep down thinking about it, I realized that NOBODY understands unless they've been there. LTTTC is one of the cruelest places to be. You become so bitter and angry and jealous. And then you feel guilty for feeling that way because it's nobody's fault, not even your own. All you want in life is to be a mother. To see yours and your husband's heart walking outside of your body. To create a life with the man you love, in your own bed, through the act of lovemaking...not needles, ultrasounds, pills, and petri dishes.

I absolutely HATE it when people tell me to "relax...it'll happen" or "you are still so young...you've got plenty of time." Relaxing will not solve the problem. If relaxing was the cure for infertility, there would be 100 billion people on earth. And since my husband and I are both in our 30's, time is no longer on our sides like it was when we were in our mid-20's and just starting out on this TTC journey.

After dealing with infertility long term, I came to the resolution that I will NEVER ask a newlywed or couple with no children when they will have children. I can ask if they have kids, but if the response to that is no, the conversation stops. You just never know who is suffering in silence from the hellhole that LTTTC is. If a couple starts talking about their struggle with infertility, I can say that I have been there and know exactly how they feel.

 

[pcsoph2890]

I know exactly what you mean about never asking people when they are getting started as you just never know what they are going through!!

Most of me friends and family that I have told have thankfully never said relax etc. In fact I couldn't have asked for more support.
Tomorrow at work got to tell my boss what's happening, but thankfully a woman went through this last year so he'll know about hospital appts etc.
Then gonna send an email to everyone in the dept - there are only 12 people in case I get all emotional and hormonal, and hopefully then can just go with the flow for me and make me laugh about myself if I snap or whatever at them!!!