Well congrats again anyway Leanne ^_^ You must be so excited!!
I'm excited for you and DJ, having the first babies since the group started
I miss you toooooooooo!! Hopefully you'll have a little update in a few days
Any symptoms? When d'you test?
Okay, long story!!...
So as you may or may not know I go to an open mic night on Tuesday evenings, where I usually get bungalowed and stagger to karaoke afterwards
but anyway, there's this guy there called Neill who plays, and we started chatting and got on really well. I added him on facebook and we talked nearly every day 'til the next week. I admit, I'd already thought a couple of times before how he was just my type lol but I was with Samuel and I knew he was married. Oh yeah, by the way, one small, teeny, tiny, little problem... HE'S 50!! He has a teenage son who's leaving for the marines soon and he is about to get divorced. Anywho, onwards with the story, we'll get round to that bit later lol...
It was around this time I found out for sure that my mum was having an affair so I needed someone to talk to. As he was married (didn't know at the time that it was in the process of breaking down) I asked him for his advice and he really helped me out. I realised then that what I was feeling wasn't normal. The next open mic night we went out afterwards, and stayed out 'til 4am on the beach just talking about all sorts of stuff and pratting about in general. I've never believed in love at first sight before, or even love at first meeting. I always thought it was complete and utter fantasy bullcrap. But I can't even describe what happened every time I saw him, it was like magnets I guess :/ This all sounds so clichéd, but I can't think of any other way to describe it, and it was fairly obvious he felt the same. And so began the horrific, guilt inducing adventure
I tried to deny everything for about 3 weeks, saying we were just friends, etc. etc. but I still saw him 3 or 4 times I week including open mic. Then it was my birthday and I had a terrible time because I felt so guilty for feeling like this about someone else when I was with Samuel, but I also felt that I would be lying to myself if I didn't take a chance. I was so scared I would regret making a decision, but I couldn't stay as I was much longer.
Anyway, when Neill found out I'd had a shit birthday he said he'd meet me after work the next day. When I got to the carpark he was in a Triumph Herald convertible and he'd spent the whole day working on it and getting it MOT'd so he could pick me up in it, and he'd made a picnic and bought a present and everything. It was kinda then that I knew that this was it :/ But I carried on trying to make it work with Samuel, although I felt like it'd never be the same again
For about 2 weeks I tried but I just felt, I dunno, consumed I suppose. It was like there was no going back and being with Neill was easy as breathing and felt so natural. So I asked Samuel if we could take a break and he rang a few days later begging me to get him out of this limbo, even if it meant leaving him. He went on about it for so long that I just said "it's not gonna work". And that was that.
He has no idea about Neill, and I've told him I didn't cheat because I didn't even kiss Neill until Samuel and I were on a break, and that was only because I wanted to be certain about my feelings for him. So now Samuel and I are over and he hates me, because 2 weeks ago his dad left his mum for another woman and I left him too soon after that. I couldn't stay out of pity or lie any longer, it was killing me and they were talking about me moving in with them and paying rent and stuff, and they'd have taken it so much harder if I'd left then. So That was that really
I know it's the right choice, and I haven't once doubted it since I met Neill. I tried to deny it all but it just wasn't happening lol. And although I know it's right, that doesn't stop it being so bloody hard :'( He hates me, and I still care about him and respect him. I really tried to do this without hurting anyone but it just doesn't work
So now on to the fact that he's 50. Not really an issue for me anymore, we went to Brighton t'other day where we could act normally and no one even batted an eyelid. No one cares, and even if they do I'm willing to deal with that
He's not living at his house anymore but he's using it as an office until August when he sells his other house and can buy another one to move all his stuff to. Until then he's renting a room, and going to the office at home when his wife leaves in the mornings, then picking up his son from school and spending some time with him, then going again before his wife gets home. She's obviously very hurt that he's finally going, even though they've been unhappy for 10 years and only stayed together for their son (she's scared of being alone). He tried to leave a couple of years ago but it didn't work out and he had to go back for their son's sake. But now they feel he'll cope a lot better as he's at a better age for understanding it all.
But the bottom line is that he's still married, and I don't want to hurt his wife. I don't know her or anything but if I were in her position I'd hate me, so I wanna do everything right. Also, I feel bad enough for falling for him, and I'm not the type of person who usually does ANYTHING like this, so obviously I'm not the type of person to sleep with a married man
So until he's divorced and everything's settled we're just friends who holds hands
that sounds so silly. But you know what I mean lol.
So that's everything really I think. Sorry, WHAT AN ESSAY!! :/ xx
but still, very stressful indeed and my whole world's been turned upside down a bit 
