The Nerve!

[Maurie]

Sorry about the rant but it makes me so angry I am getting a headache thinking of it .

I was at my Aunt's baby shower on Saturday, I knew the question was going to come up. I was prepared for it and had my answers all ready. Needless to day my cousin's wife was sitting at my table and asked me when I was going to have a baby. My answer was eventually. She then proceeded to tell me it was time. We need another baby in the family. We have been married too long to not have a baby. She went on and on about how we should have a baby now before marriage got good, get the stressful nights out of the way. I responded by saying I love being married, we have so much fun with it being the two of us. We get to do whatever whenever. But she kept going.

I had to walk away . . . I wanted to cry at the shower (AF came less than a week before). I held it together so My aunt could have a great day. But now I am thinking about not going to Christmas or thanksgiving because it is only getting worse. That will crush my parents but I'm not sure I can deal with it anymore. I get asked about 2 times every day if I have kids or when I am going to have a baby.

one of these days I am going to loose it!!

 

[rosebud_01_99]

hi,

i feel your pain, i now simply say firmly NO i dont want any! and ask why they decided to ruin their lives by tying themselfs to kids, then just look at them with pity and move away, lol, dosnt earn me many friends but to hell with hatefull buggers like that.

good luck
rosebud

 

[Princess Lou]

Hey, I get how you are feeling. I have been married 10 month longer than you and people seriously believe that we were going to start trying the day of the wedding and believe I should be pregnant with my second.

One of these days I am going to scream at them that we started trying four month before the wedding and I am still no further forward. That would soon shut them up. Lol.

I tend to do what Rosebud does and tell them that I am loving being with my hubby and enjoy being able to do what we want, go on holiday when we want and not be restricted by being tied down with children. Secretly I would give it all up for a child but they don't need to know about that.

There are people out there that don't push you into revealing anything and are there simply just because you need them.

I hope you find these people sooner rather than later. I have my sister, my cousin and my mother-in-law.

Good luck. X

 

[Armywife84]

Oh no, Maurie..I thought you were going to break the TTC struggle to your family?

Might I applaud you on attending your Aunt's baby shower. I've sworn off attending them and just mail the gifts to their home ahead of time. There's not only one bump there but many, plenty of baby talk, and tons of newborns. Just not a LTTC woman's scene.

Good for you for removing yourself from your cousin's wife's word vomit. Some people just don't know when to shut the hell up. In her defense, she didn't know about your situation..but then again it's ignorant of her to tell you when you should have children.

Perhaps it's the time you should spill the beans and let your parents know you're trying but having difficulties so everyone else in the family backs off.

Whenever people ask me if I have children or if we're trying..I just tell them not yet and we're trying, then proceed to change the subject. One of these days, I'll probably just scream, "WE'RE HAVING INFERTILITY ISSUES, OK???!!". Lol.

 

[Maurie]

Thank you all.
ArmyWife- I did tell some we were having trouble but I didn't feel that My cousins wife who I only see at Christmas and Easter needed to know that we were struggling. Our parents know, my sister and one of my aunts knows , not the one having the baby but another.
Sometimes I chicken out about telling people we are struggling because everyone I know got married because they were pregnant, they in no way could relate. I don't want pity which makes it hard to gauge who to tell and not tell.

Every time I see my in-laws they bring it up. My MIL had the nerve to tell me that we don't need to deal with the stress of infertility and not to use the word infertility. She doesn't think it is. Now She is an advance practice nurse married to a doctor!!!

I don't think there is any winning whether they know or not.

 

[Armywife84]

Mmm, sorry to hear that. I'm lucky that my family and his family backed off about inquiring why we're not pregnant yet. Unfortunately, my SIL continues to be insensitive so you can't win all the way around either.

 

[Tnkrbell15]

Maurie--

So sorry you had to deal with that woman, and at a baby shower no less. I know how hard it can be to control the mean infertility monster who lurks inside of us. Heck, I've quit telling people any other answer but the truth...I'm having fertility issues....when they start pouring on the sympathy, I kindly tell them thanks but I really am okay (even if deep down I want to cry) with what fate has in store for me. I have come to find that sometimes the truth really is better. At this point, everyone around me knows about my female issues (probably since I was still a child when diagnosed, age 16)...and the vast majority give me my space and let me make my own decisions about attending events. The only ones who do not truly understand seem to be my soon to be MIL and 2 SIL, but they all started pushing out babies as teens. The MIL got pregnant with #1 at 15, ad had the 3rd (and last) at 21...so I don't think she will ever get it...but whatever. I kill her with kindness instead.

I hope your situation improves with the rest of your family, because it really isn't fair that idiots, like your cousin's wife, end up chasing you away from time with your family. and to you!

I

 

[urchin]

I'm so glad the baby shower idea hasn't crossed the ocean to England (and I really hope it never does) Of course we congratulate our friends and family and bring presents for the new arrival - actually I generally bring a present for mum as I figure that the baby probably has enough stuff and it's mum that feels in need of a bit of pampering. But we don't all gather at once in a high pressure cauldren of baby talk and comparisons.

I have told my family and best friends about our issues - but whether you do that or not depends a lot on what type of people they are... My family are all lovely supportive
people so naturally are lovely and supportive about our LTTTC struggle. But if my folks were pushy and opinionated in other areas then I would expect
them to be a nightmare in an emotional issue like this.

When friends that aren't close enough to know ask the inevitable 'when are you two' questions I generally answer 'it isn't always as easy as that' and either change the subject immediately or walk away. My hope is that they are sensitive enough to realise they've dropped a real clanger and that they don't try to pursue the matter. Usually it works!

 

[honeybee2]

people keep asking me too- in the end I told them ALL the truth. I told my MIL the truth 11 days ago on our WEDDING day.

Now she is a lot more understanding.

 

[CryHer]

awww, i'm so sorry. a big for yo. I hear this at work, family, and friends. It's like, uhhh, it's not that easy!

 

[Armywife84]

I'm so glad the baby shower idea hasn't crossed the ocean to England (and I really hope it never does) Of course we congratulate our friends and family and bring presents for the new arrival - actually I generally bring a present for mum as I figure that the baby probably has enough stuff and it's mum that feels in need of a bit of pampering. But we don't all gather at once in a high pressure cauldren of baby talk and comparisons.

I have told my family and best friends about our issues - but whether you do that or not depends a lot on what type of people they are... My family are all lovely supportive
people so naturally are lovely and supportive about our LTTTC struggle. But if my folks were pushy and opinionated in other areas then I would expect
them to be a nightmare in an emotional issue like this.

When friends that aren't close enough to know ask the inevitable 'when are you two' questions I generally answer 'it isn't always as easy as that' and either change the subject immediately or walk away. My hope is that they are sensitive enough to realise they've dropped a real clanger and that they don't try to pursue the matter. Usually it works!

How lucky are you not to have to be through the torture of a baby shower! They're all the same, really. Everyone clucking about baby this, baby that, even nasty gossip. Oohing and ahhing over every gift the mom-to-be opens, even though she got 3 of the same rattle. Guessing what mashed up chocolates are in the diaper to resemble baby poo. I hate that game. You've been to one, you've been to them all.

 

[urchin]

Oh gosh! That sounds even worse than I had been imagining... I have seen the pretend cakes made out of disposable nappies (or diapers to you guys) and thought what is the point of that? Give me proper cake dammit!

I guess I am lucky that the new parents in my family are very understanding .... Actually I am much better with babies than I am with bumps - individually at least . My toughest time is when the family gets together with all their little ones and I can't help looking round at all the little family units and thinking you've all got what I desperately want.

Workwise I avoid it. We have a staff member off on mat leave and when she comes in with the baby I conspire to be out. I don't need to make a connection with her baby cause I'll never know her - but my nieces and nephews are worth the effort and the bitter sweet, as I shall be their aunty forever

 

[rosebud_01_99]

we dont have baby showers in ireland either , thank god, you usa gals are so brave going to them, it would be my worst nightmare, no way i could sit through that.
rosebud

 

[Armywife84]

They're a nightmare, rosebud. I refuse to attend shop online for their gift and have it delivered to their doorstep.

One of my friends went to one that was held at a buffet! She even had to pay for her own food, which was $10 per person..plus the expected baby shower gift. Real tacky. The food is always provided at these gatherings.

 

[Maurie]

They're a nightmare, rosebud. I refuse to attend shop online for their gift and have it delivered to their doorstep.

One of my friends went to one that was held at a buffet! She even had to pay for her own food, which was $10 per person..plus the expected baby shower gift. Real tacky. The food is always provided at these gatherings.

The food is also very bad at these things, cold pasta salad, potato chips I always stop for fast food before one.
I have never really enjoyed showers, even the bridal showers held in my honor. They are uncomfortable and cheesey.

 

[Tnkrbell15]

Don't forget the horrible Toilet paper, etc. games ladies....those are the worst of all. For all of you that don't suffer though these showers, I will give you the examples. At wedding showers...toilet paper wedding dresses and bouquets. Baby showers...baby word games where the one with the most diaper pins wins, or guessing the preggo belly size based on toilet paper length (closest to actual size wins). In the same sense, that last game has to be hard on the mom-to-be...like she doesn't feel big enough. Ugh, I deal with the food...but the games dive me up the wall!

 

[LizMcD]

Oh dear! I fear these games are moving across the ocean to the uk, because my cousin had a baby shower a few months back. She is 9 yrs younger than me, with an unexpected preg, it felt terrible guessing the size of her baby bump (though i did win!) whilst feeling so envious that it wasn't me.

I sat around miserable for hours, whilst we played silly games (like 'pin the dummy on the baby') and she opened endless amounts of baby clothes, nappies and baby products. Was relieved to finally go home!!

xx

 

[Armywife84]

Oh dear! I fear these games are moving across the ocean to the uk, because my cousin had a baby shower a few months back. She is 9 yrs younger than me, with an unexpected preg, it felt terrible guessing the size of her baby bump (though i did win!) whilst feeling so envious that it wasn't me.

I sat around miserable for hours, whilst we played silly games (like 'pin the dummy on the baby') and she opened endless amounts of baby clothes, nappies and baby products. Was relieved to finally go home!!

xx

Ugh oh, looks like it has arrived into your country. That is definitely a baby shower.

 

[Reb S]

Poor you - I completely understand. Nowadays when people say to me 'do you have kids?' I say - we can't. That shuts them up pretty soon. I say it with a smile and then just walk away.
PS Urchin - LOVE your avatar!

 

[cooch]

Would you not say that your having some 'health problems'?? Even take someone aside and say to them or have your parents say that the b word if off the menu?

Since our families have known a massive weight has lifted from me. I understand you don't want pitty, neither do we. But it seriously has made a difference to our sanity