The terrible fives!! Don't know how to discipline her behaviour.

[Natasha2605]

I'll start with some examples :

**Last week, on the nursery run the girls take their scooters. Rule is, they must stop at every lamp post and wait for me to say they can continue. Reason is if they can't see me, I can't see them and it's dangerous etc.

Summer sped ahead with a friend and her grandad, ignored me shouting four times (she definitely heard). Once home, I explained that tomorrow was her last chance, if she didn't listen there would be no more taking her scooter to nursery as she cannot be trusted to listen to me. Next day was fine. Will see tomorrow how it goes.

**She huffs and puffs her way through everything and is so defiant. I've never experienced this before. She will eventually do whatever I ask after I raise my voice which obviously creates a negative atmosphere. She hates being given a row and it usually ends in tears.

** She winds up Maci something rotten and it's awful to see. Maci is naturally highly strung and needs consistency and routines. Summer takes her toys, hides them, chases her around scaring her, says mean things (nothing severe) when she thinks nobody is playing.

**She is so ungrateful and whenever she asks for something (all the time) and I say no it's ''You never buy me anything'' ''You never take me anywhere''. I admit, I spoilt my kids with toys/ magazines, we're always out etc. But it hurts to hear her say it and really offends me. I've started reducing the constant treats as we go on holiday in two weeks so less money to spare. Nothing is ever good enough. We went to softplay this morning and she moaned because she wanted to go to a different one.

** She plays me and her dad off against each other ''Don't tell mummy I did that'' or ''Mummy said I can have'' or ''Daddy did this last night when you were at work''. I lose count of the amount of times in one day I tell her to stop telling tales.

The weird thing is she gets really upset if she gets a row, I question her about lying etc. She knows her behaviour is unacceptable but still continues.

I've no idea how to effectively discipline as I've never had this issue with any of them.

Reward charts? Time out? Something else? She is seriously hard work at the minute

I need to decide of the best way of dealing with her behaviour and then I know consistency is the key. I've no idea what the best way is though!!

 

[kanga]

Maybe look at it from the angle of why is she doing it and what can I change to change this.

Does she get different outcomes by playing you and her dad off against each other? If so this will be why she does it

With the buying her things. Is she old enough for pocket money now. Can you teach her the value of money that way. If she's ungrateful, stop spoiling her with toys/magazines

The scooter. She was with her friends grandad who is an adult. Can you relax your strict stop at every lamppost rule and accept that she can start to learn responsibility. We was probably having fun and your controlling rule in that instance was probably a bit ott.

Sorry this probably isn't what you were hoping to hear but I believe it's often worth looking at our parenting methods now and then to see if they are still relevant.

 

[Natasha2605]

Thank you!

No she doesn't get different responses by playing each other off. We are very communicative and back each other up.

She perhaps is old enough for pocket money and it's been something I've been thinking about doing recently. Allowing her to save towards something etc.

The scooter I am not willing to back down on. I do not know the grandad and she knows boundaries. I've just realised that I left out accidentally that she went into the grandad home with her friend. Her grandad was standing awkwardly at the door as I got there, a good 3/4 minutes later as I had Maci on her scooter who is slower.

Thanks for your response. I Plan to see how tomorrow goes and then sit down with her and talk about what's going on.

 

[mumsie2be]

Hi I just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation with my nearly 4 year old atm. What I'm finding the hardest atm is the not listening and continuing what she's doing anyway which is frustrating. The answering back is also hard. We have a similar situation with not sharing toys/winding up her sister for no reason and the not appreciating what she has/gets. I don't know if it gets better anytime soon but i think it's a girl thing my friends going through the same with her daughter aswell.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

We have the same sort of thing with our nearly 5 yo.

Can you teach her to be more aware of her surroundings and more responsibility in regards to the scooter? DS wants to be more independent, I've started letting go a bit in controlled situations to teach him (obviously only when it is safe). He and I practice road safety while waiting for his bus in the morning. We go for a walk/bike ride around our block and I've taught him to identify safe vs unsafe, ie to look for where the sidewalk slopes to identify driveways, etc. We've also started teaching/reinforcing the different types of people- strangers, people we know and safe people, so he understands how to identify and behave in a variety of situations. We feel we are getting to a point where we will have to trust our son and that we have done our job preparing him. Considering his reaction to our road safety exercises, I am confident he would be ok in an emergency but shy of that I'm not comfortable leaving him to his own devices yet.

For the spoiled behaviour we have started teaching him with play money and one of his fav games atm is 'store keeper'. We tell him no at the store and it is hard to have him say "you always say no!" but I've taken to just saying "I'm Mumma, that's my job." We have also made him go through his toys (near his birthday and christmas) to give stuff to charity shops, and explained some people aren't as well off as we are and taught him about greed.

For lying and trying to pit us against each other we have told him the boy who cried wolf and he gets time out (which is really 'time in' as he sits on the stairs next to us) and then we discuss why he shouldn't and why it doesn't work. But it is something we will put up with for now without stressing too much as I think it is just a stage and testing boundries.

The second he starts throwing a fit he goes to the step, we tell him he needs a minute to calm down, take a few breaths and then he can use his words to express himself instead of using his body. Everyt me he goes to the step we tell him what we expect from him, why he is there and what he needs to do before he is allowed out.

Those are the things we do, they may not work for everyone but we find our son responds well. We have noticed the more independence we give him the less trouble he has given us, it is definitely a fine line! He tests boundries and he gets mad at us and us at him but we always tell him we love him no matter what and we have yet to go to bed without our hugs, kisses and cuddles.

I hope something in all that drivel helps.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

Forgot to say we sometimes just ignore the huffing and puffing. If it's a reasonable request we tell him so and say everyone has to do stuff they don't like and though he may not like (helping unload the car, cleaning his toys, throwing out some garbage) we asked him to do it, so it's too bad he doesn't like it he is to listen to Mumma and Daddy.

Don't get me wrong, we get frustrated and have raised our voices too! Argh, they are trying somtimes!!!

 

[BrittRashel]

Oh, the lovely 5's. How I hated them. Although, they are still hanging around here and there. Honestly, I think all 5 year olds go through it because I have a lot of friends with kids around the same age as Matt and we would all joke about our kids becoming possessed all at the same time. She will most likely grow out of this but until then, stand firm. This a boundary testing game for her right now.

I like the idea of starting an allowance, which I'm thinking of trying for Matt since he still struggles with with wanting everything. I would make her earn it though. Start a chore chart and in order to get her full allowance, she should complete all of her chores. This will help not only make her appreciate the money she earned but will again enforce the boundaries.

Matt has gotten a lot worse over the past year with the, "you're mean" and "I don't like you." I just tell him "Well, I guess that's just too bad." While it hurts my feelings, I know this is just a tactic. He doesn't truly believe me to be mean. He knows he's hurting my feelings. He's trying to get under my skin to see if I will give in so that he will say that I'm nice or that he likes me again.

Hang in there! It does get better.

 

[CormacksGirl]

Glad it's not just me, Phew!

Adam has been notorious for not listening/following instructions etc and the back chat is just ridiculous. I am fed up asking him nicely umpteen times just to do something then having to raise my voice before he does it!

As for the pocket money situation I have started doing this with Adam! Or else he expects to get a Lego set every time we're out. Now if he helps to do the dishes, put the cutlery away or takes the shopping basket round the super market for me he gets 20p to put in his wallet. So if he does one good job a day that adds up to £1:40 a week or £5:60 a month! If he gets a penny for a sweet from a family member or neighbour he gets the choice of buying a sweet or putting it in his wallet 9times out of 10 he'll put it in his wallet!

 

[hattiehippo]

Tbh she sounds totally normal for a 5 yr old! Mine is exactly the same.

With the scooter I would stick to your guns and take it away if she doesn't follow the rules. I've taken Tom's away for short periods a couple of times walking to and from school because he didn't stop or tried to push other people out of the way. He generally follows the rules now.

Huffing and puffing etc I ignore. He is always moany and whingy when he comes out of school so I just let him get on with it and just say 'oh dear' or similar. Answering back is an ongoing problem but I generally refuse to carry on the conversation or let it turn into an argument by walking away if he keeps going.

Being mean to a sibling isn't something we have but Tom does like to tease our cats if he thinks he can get away with it. I guess it makes him feel in control although he knows he shouldn't do it and that he will get told off if I see him.

Tom also wants me to buy him things constantly. He gets pocket money now and I will buy him small treats when he has been particularly good or worked hard at school. But I also say no a lot more than I used to and if he kicks off then its tough basically.

I get lots of 'I don't like you' or 'you're not my friend' when he's cross with me. It really doesn't bother me as I know he's angry and he's just saying it because he can.

I've found since he started school, he's desperate to be given more independence and say in things and I'm often having to remember that he's growing up and its normal for kids to push the boundaries.