MrsPOP
Mummy to Alice
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2010
- Messages
- 8,414
- Reaction score
- 0
Its time to write my birth story. Word of warning, this will be long-winded and although mightnt seem it, was very traumatic for me, DH, my mum and my little Alice-Bear to experience.
I was overdue and went to the MW on Wednesday 13th July. I was 40+6. I was convinced my dates were out, but even if they were they were only out by 3 days. However, my blood pressure had suddenly shot up to 160/110 and I had trace of protein in my urine. So I was sent to Obs Day Ward.
I was monitored for an hour and the CTG wouldnt meet criteria. Also my blood pressure wouldnt go anything less that 143/98 and I had 1+ protein in my urine. My LO was doing ok, so they sent me for something to eat and brought me back. The repeat CTG met criteria after just 15 mins. However, the MW had discussed my case with the Doctor whilst I was out and they felt because I was overdue, had pregnancy induced hypertension and looked like I was heading towards pre-eclampsia, I should be induced that Friday. I was really hoping to avoid induction but understood all too well that pre-eclampsia is nothing to mess around with. I also had a sweep which showed my cervix was 0.5cm dilated but long, posterior and hard. My Bishops Score was a measly 2.
My urine also showed positive nitrates and leucocytes so it looked like I had a UTI but they did nothing about that despite my pushing for it. This is an important part of my story.
So on Friday, we had a nice day. We went to see Harry Potter and spent the afternoon with my mum. We came home, had a nap and headed to Induction Suite for 19:30. I wasnt put into a bed until 21:00 though and was put on the CTG again for 40 mins. LO was really active on the CTG and my blood pressure was still 145/98. I had 1+ of protein, nitrates and leucocytes in my urine. My Bishops score remained a measly 2 and thats where I got upset because my instincts for a few weeks had been that I would end up with an EMCS and a low Bishops score can be highly indicative of this happening.
I had my prostin pessary at 21:40 and started to get pains about 22:40. They were coming every 5 mins but I could cope fine with them with breathing and DHs help.
About midnight, they were getting worse. I put my TENS machine on. I might as well as not bothered, it was a pile of shit!
I had then had co-codamol and promptly vommed that back up. The pains were getting much worse.
I was examined again at 4am for my next pessary and my cervix was STILL closed for business. However because I was contracting every 5 mins for 1 min at a time, they couldnt give me the pessary. I was getting very stressed with these pains, so was given Gas and Air. G&A did nothing for the pain but spaced me out in between them so I didnt care *as* much about them.
I just couldnt get comfortable. I was planning on an active birth, bouncing on a ball and going on all fours. I had pretty bad SPD and was anxious to avoid laying on my back. Ironically, lying on my back was the only position I could tolerate the contractions!!!! Or sitting up against DH who was GREAT throughout the entire thing. He kept telling me to stop moaning on my breath out and to breathe through the contraction, which did help more than I thought it would.
So about 7am, I was examined again and was 1.5cm, so the MW said she would list me for a Delivery Suite room and I would need an AROM (Assisted Rupture of Membranes).
About 9am, I ripped off my stupid TENS machine and was getting distressed again. I was offered Diamorphine but refused as I didnt want to halt my progress.
I was eventually moved to a Delivery Suite room at about 2pm and was left alone for an hour without any MW coming to see me. I was getting even more distressed and DH went to find someone and came back with the Induction Suite MW who was so apologetic that I hadnt been seen, apparently there were a few emergencies on the ward.
I was getting highly pissed off by then. In the induction suite, a few of the mums/dads were being really shitty with the MW for the delays etc but me and DH had been so polite and understanding. Working in the health service myself, I know the pressure they are under. But this was getting effing RIDICULOUS.
The Induction Suite MW kindly examined me, I was 3cm and by then begging for pain relief.
Those who havent been induced probably wouldnt know just how awful induction contractions are. And I didnt know just how bad they were going to get.
So I had diamorphine, which was FANTASTIC. Im great on drugs apparently, talking utter crud!!!! DH put on our portable DVD player and we were watching FRIENDs and trying to get me through the contractions as best as we could.
3pm came along and my MW finally decided to show her face. She was very nice and apologetic for being caught up. She said she would do the ARM, which didnt hurt one bit and plenty of clear liquor came out.
About 30 mins later, she came back in and said the CTG was starting to show up problems so the Doc wanted me to go on EVIL Syntocinon and also to give me some fluids as my urine was showing ketones by this point so I was dehydrated. I kept asking about my UTI but nothing was being done about that. I had to have a fetal scalp electrode on because the abdo CTG band kept falling off and the trace remained dodgy.
The syntocinon was started at a low dose and then constantly upped and I could just about cope with the contractions until about 8pm when I turned into that girl and I was still only 3cm. My mum had just arrived and Ill never forget the look of horror on her face when she walked in, I was in complete hell with the onslaught of constant contractions by then, crying that I couldnt cope with it anymore and was shaking so badly my teeth were chattering. I had another shot of diamorph whilst they bleeped the anaesthetist who bless her came pretty quickly.
DH said I was so whacked out on the Diamorph that when she told me the epidural may sting, I just started to laugh!
The epidural was the best thing ever. My mum was watching my contraction trace and was astonished I couldnt feel them anymore because they were coming on top of each other. But honestly, I was so against having one when I was pregnant but if I hadnt had an epi, I think I would have died, or throttled my MW!! I was 4cm at midnight.
It was after then things became quite hairy. Id been shaking since 8am and hadnt passed much urine despite IV fluids. I had a low grade temperature and my heart rate was going so fast at 154bpm for hours. I kept insisting it was due to my UTI but no one would listen. I had IV paracetamol which calmed my heart rate down a tad. I couldnt stop vomiting, it was like the Exorcist. I was so thirsty and begging for drinks but the minute I wet my lips with just water I would projectile vomit all over my mum and DH. This went on for hours.
LOs heart rate was going all dodgy too. I was 6cm by 4.30am, so they decided to do a Fetal Blood Sample from her scalp, which showed she was fine.
We ended up having to do 4 of the blood samples every hour because LOs trace just kept getting worse and worse.
When I had them done the first time, the Doctor got absolutely soaked in more waters (haha). She also exclaimed when she put the speculum in because my LO had masses of black hair and invited everyone and my DH and mum to have a look up my chuff to see! I wasnt bothered by then; Ive never had an issue with that kind of thing tbh.
At 7am, they started mentioning C sections depending on how dilated I was within the next 2 hours because they were so anxious about mine and LOs heart rate. I was 7cm and stretching to 8 on contraction. They wanted me to be no less than 9cm at the next exam.
Then my epidural started to wear off and the 8am the night doctor came in and said she was handing over to the day team. All the night MWs and Docs had been in an out of my room and they all said how amazing I had been to cope with all this. The Doc said at 6cm she would have given up herself and begged for a C section! I wasnt adamant I didnt want one; Id trusted the medical team to make the decisions, not me. But the Doc did say because Im medical myself they let me go further than they might have done with a non-medical person because I understood more what was happening.
So the day Registrar came in and examined me. I was only 8cm still, so she said they could either EMCS or do a 5th FBS and really by now (36 hours of labour but only 9 hours of established labour) they were highly worried about both of us, so she advised EMCS. She gave me 5 mins to think about it and by then I was so tired and stressed and scared I agreed to it. I was devastated though, to go through so much and have the chance of vaginal delivery snatched from me was soul-destroying. My mum begged me to go for the EMCS, she was so terrified because of how ill I had been (I was still vomiting and shaking and had been for hours). She was convinced LO was stuck and the SpR said because LO was an OT presentation after so long, it would be highly unlikely I would deliver naturally anyway and if I tried, I would probably end up with failed forceps.
By then, the epidural had started to wear off and I was getting terrible pains on the right side of my abdomen, so the anaesthetist came in and topped me up whilst I was being consented for the EMCS.
I was wheeled down to theatre at 09:30. That trip down the corridor was the most terrifying thing of my life. I felt so alone and scared.
They got me into theatre and the anaesthetist was trying to calm me down as I kept shaking. DH came in after they had made the first incision.
The C Section itself was horrible. I could feel all the pulling and tugging and it felt pretty brutal. I also started to feel really unwell, because my blood pressure had plummeted to 70/30. I felt like I was going to pass out and/or vomit.
My Alice was born at 10:06 on 17/7/11 weighing 8lbs 14oz with a massive load of hair and was perfectly fine, though she didnt cry straight away when she was lifted out. She was taken straight to the rescusitaire and DH went over to take pictures. He looked totally ecstatic.
She was eventually brought over to me and DH held her because I couldnt with feeling so ill. It was great but horrible; because I felt so poorly and out of it I couldnt quite comprehend my little girl was out and safe.
I was wheeled out to recovery and was there for a while because my blood pressure was stubborn and wouldnt come up. I didnt get to hold LO for what felt like ages and DH had gone outside to let my poor anxious mother know what had happened.
I eventually got to hold her and have some skin to skin which was great. She didnt look anything like I thought she would. I was expecting her to look like her daddy but she looked the spit of me. It sounds weird but I couldnt quite believe she was my baby because she didnt look how I was expecting! She was (and still is) absolutely stunning and I never expected my baby to be so beautiful. I realise that makes me sound like a freak.
I was eventually wheeled out to postnatal ward and my mum, bless her, met Alice and was instantly smitten. I had been so worried, as you may know my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 20 weeks pregnant and she had been with me all night in the delivery suite and looked so ill....I was so so so worried about her.
I was parked in postnatal and it all became very crap.
The care I received in that shithole was abysmal. The MWs were so understaffed and I really struggled the first night trying to see to my LO when I couldnt even move. I ended up ripping my venflon out at one point to try and pick her up because the MWs werent able to get to me. Plus the woman across from me kept me awake moaning about the afterpains and asking if it was normal when my guts had been ripped open and I barely made a peep. She kept on leaving her baby alone and social services ended up coming to the ward.
I struggled terrible with the breastfeeding too and thats been a sore point with me since then.
The first night wasnt so bad feeding wise, although we struggled to latch on. But after that it was really tough. I was left alone all day and I was shouted at for asking for pain relief. Whenever I requested help with BFing as Alice really struggled to latch, they kept coming in, faceplanting her on my boob and walking off before checking if she had actually latched on. She wasnt latching, she was nipple sucking and my poor nips felt like they were on fire.
This carried on throughout the night but because she was less drowsy from the diamorph, she started crying more. All the mums in the room with me were new that day and most of them were FF, so the MWs were feeding their LOs throughout the night so the mums could get a good nights sleep but could I get more than 2 minutes from a MW to help me BF? Could I shite! Also, the mums in the room kept on tutting when Alice cried, so I was getting so stressed out. I couldnt stop crying. A MW eventually came in after I buzzed after one hour of trying to get her to latch on and I just cried my heart out to her. Not just about the BF but the EMCS and also how worried I was about my mum. She was lovely and listened to me. She also said I needed to stop putting so much pressure on myself about the BF as it is so difficult and with my risk factors for PND I need to be aware that the extra BFing pressure might be detrimental to my mental health.
Which was fine, except she then sent in a She-Hulk MW assistant to help me feed who again just faceplanted her onto my nip, let her nipple suck, tell me you cant go home until you establish breastfeeding and then stomped out saying she would be back in 10 minutes...which she wasnt.
That night I was up from 3am to 8am trying to feed her inbetween crying from both of us.
The next day they were happy to let me go. I was getting anxious about Alice though as I could tell she was jaundiced but the Baby Doc (whom I know and will never trust again considering what she missed) and the MW werent concerned and said put her under the window when we get home. They also werent bothered about her poor feeding. I think if I wasnt so sleep deprived and anxious to get the hell out of the horrible ward I would have made more of a fuss but we went home. Getting home was awful, I was so stressed about Alice and my in laws were stressing me out. My FIL was blustering about the car seat and putting it in the wrong way, in the meantime Alice was fretting for food. DH was really anxious because he could see I was upset and Alice was hungry. FIL then drove off with the boot door wide open and without me strapped in because their stupid car seatbelts wouldnt fit over me (and Im not huge!). He drove like a maniac as well, kept on driving over potholes, changing lanes too quick and too fast and braking sharply...all of which is not pleasant when you have had a EMCS 2 days before. I was crying silently in the back every time I was jolted. DH kept trying to tell FIL to slow down and stop driving fast over pot holes and FIL just kept making horrible remarks and laughing at me.
That day/night was the worst so far (there was worse to come). Alice was so drowsy and wouldnt feed for hours and hours. I was so scared she was septic or getting dehydrated and was sobbing to DH and my mum that there was something seriously wrong with her. I had called the National Breastfeeding Helpline and it was the nice BF volunteer I had met in hospital who gave me great advice but nothing seemed to be working and I was so desperate I gave her some formula at 11pm which she wolfed down and she settled so well.
I stayed up till 3am hand expressing a measly 7mls of colostrum which I gave her and because I think I was less anxious after her having something to eat, I was more calm and the BFing seemed to go better.
The next day was better and my milk had started to come in. However the MW came out and sent us straight into hospital as Alice had lost 11.5% of her body weight, was still passing meconium on day 3 and her jaundice was worse.
I fell to pieces, hadnt we gone through enough? By the time we got to A&E I was shaking like a leaf.
A&E sent us to the labs to get Alices heel prick done and that walk near killed me (my post op HB was 9 from 11.7). All the staff in the labs were really concerned, saying I looked like I was going to pass out (I felt like I was going to). Alice was so brave getting her heelprick done and all the lab staff were cooing over her (she really is a stunning baby).
So we go back to A&E, were seen by the Doc who said physically she was fine and her jaundice wasnt quite high enough to warrant phototherapy treatment so we could go home once she took a good feed off me.
A nurse came in to help me and it was the worst hour of my life. She kept shoving my nipple into Alices mouth and Alice just kept screaming and screaming. I was crying my eyes out because my poor poor baby sounded so distressed. DH said that hour watching us go through that was worse than anything he had seen in labour (and he saw it ALL).
The Doc popped back in and said his senior wanted to admit us to monitor Alices feeding and to give me support for BF.
They were going to kick DH out until I started sobbing on the ward, I was 3 days post C Sec, highly traumatised and couldnt move, I needed him desperately. They agreed to let him stay but wouldnt let him stay in the bed with me so he had to sleep on chairs. The poor guy hadnt slept properly for days.
That night Alice needed a venous blood sample and had to have 4 attempts at a cannula to get her blood. She was so brave but it was horrible to see it happen.
The support I got for BF was being given a breast pump and told to express whilst they topped up with FF. I really struggled to express and could only get 20mls in total at a time every 3 hours or so.
The next day the consultant came in and said her blood showed her jaundice was improving but another of her liver function tests (her ALT) was high and they werent sure why so they wanted that repeating the day after, along with her weight. Also, the Consultant could hear a heart murmur which she said the next day she suspects isnt an innocent murmur but a structural one. Hopefully its a mild defect, like a Patent Foramen Ovale which doesnt really need surgical fixing.
So we spent that day really dedicated to keeping an eye on her feeding ourselves, expressing like a madwoman and getting more and more worried.
That night, poor DH didnt sleep at all as I passed out with exhaustion, so he took care of Alice. Hed had some sleep the night she was born but I hadnt had any since before the induction, so thats probably why. I feel so guilty for that though.
We were discharged the next day with follow up the the General Paeds in a month and a non-rgent appointment with Paeds Cardiology about the murmur.
Ive been trying to express as much as I can since we got home on Friday 22/7/11 but its tough as I still cant produce much despite trying all the tricks in the book. I think Im going to stick just with formula as she seems very content on that and last night she refused my pitiful amount of EBM.
Were going to have a debrief in the hospital in 6 weeks about my EMCS and the only nice MW has just facebooked me because she saw me make a disparaging comment on a mutual friends status update about the lack of care I received postnatally!
I know people go through worse. But from start to finish this has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I have struggled to bond with my daughter thanks to everything weve been through, Im highly anxious and tearful and cant stop panicking about the future. DH has been amazing and fortunately isnt due back to work until mid-August. But Im so scared how Im going to cope without him. Hes done so much of the care for Alice because Im still recovering from my EMCS and I feel guilty hes had to do that, although he doesnt resent it as he is a fantastic daddy and is very hands on. Ive fallen more in love with him after the amazing support he gave me throughout labour and now how he is as a father. Hes amazing.
Have a cookie if you have read all the way through, I know its long. The MW who came out to see me on Saturday advised me to write it all down in detail to try and help me get over it. When DH and I told her what had happened she looked like she was going to cry.
I just hope we can move on from it and I can avoid PND or PTSD from it. I do feel better today and am starting to get to know and love my beautiful baby girl. After all, it wasnt her fault that we went through that. And she went through it too. I shouldnt worry how Im going to cope with her in my life in future. I need to think about how Im going to fit my life around her, not fit her around my old life.
I was overdue and went to the MW on Wednesday 13th July. I was 40+6. I was convinced my dates were out, but even if they were they were only out by 3 days. However, my blood pressure had suddenly shot up to 160/110 and I had trace of protein in my urine. So I was sent to Obs Day Ward.
I was monitored for an hour and the CTG wouldnt meet criteria. Also my blood pressure wouldnt go anything less that 143/98 and I had 1+ protein in my urine. My LO was doing ok, so they sent me for something to eat and brought me back. The repeat CTG met criteria after just 15 mins. However, the MW had discussed my case with the Doctor whilst I was out and they felt because I was overdue, had pregnancy induced hypertension and looked like I was heading towards pre-eclampsia, I should be induced that Friday. I was really hoping to avoid induction but understood all too well that pre-eclampsia is nothing to mess around with. I also had a sweep which showed my cervix was 0.5cm dilated but long, posterior and hard. My Bishops Score was a measly 2.
My urine also showed positive nitrates and leucocytes so it looked like I had a UTI but they did nothing about that despite my pushing for it. This is an important part of my story.
So on Friday, we had a nice day. We went to see Harry Potter and spent the afternoon with my mum. We came home, had a nap and headed to Induction Suite for 19:30. I wasnt put into a bed until 21:00 though and was put on the CTG again for 40 mins. LO was really active on the CTG and my blood pressure was still 145/98. I had 1+ of protein, nitrates and leucocytes in my urine. My Bishops score remained a measly 2 and thats where I got upset because my instincts for a few weeks had been that I would end up with an EMCS and a low Bishops score can be highly indicative of this happening.
I had my prostin pessary at 21:40 and started to get pains about 22:40. They were coming every 5 mins but I could cope fine with them with breathing and DHs help.
About midnight, they were getting worse. I put my TENS machine on. I might as well as not bothered, it was a pile of shit!
I had then had co-codamol and promptly vommed that back up. The pains were getting much worse.
I was examined again at 4am for my next pessary and my cervix was STILL closed for business. However because I was contracting every 5 mins for 1 min at a time, they couldnt give me the pessary. I was getting very stressed with these pains, so was given Gas and Air. G&A did nothing for the pain but spaced me out in between them so I didnt care *as* much about them.
I just couldnt get comfortable. I was planning on an active birth, bouncing on a ball and going on all fours. I had pretty bad SPD and was anxious to avoid laying on my back. Ironically, lying on my back was the only position I could tolerate the contractions!!!! Or sitting up against DH who was GREAT throughout the entire thing. He kept telling me to stop moaning on my breath out and to breathe through the contraction, which did help more than I thought it would.
So about 7am, I was examined again and was 1.5cm, so the MW said she would list me for a Delivery Suite room and I would need an AROM (Assisted Rupture of Membranes).
About 9am, I ripped off my stupid TENS machine and was getting distressed again. I was offered Diamorphine but refused as I didnt want to halt my progress.
I was eventually moved to a Delivery Suite room at about 2pm and was left alone for an hour without any MW coming to see me. I was getting even more distressed and DH went to find someone and came back with the Induction Suite MW who was so apologetic that I hadnt been seen, apparently there were a few emergencies on the ward.
I was getting highly pissed off by then. In the induction suite, a few of the mums/dads were being really shitty with the MW for the delays etc but me and DH had been so polite and understanding. Working in the health service myself, I know the pressure they are under. But this was getting effing RIDICULOUS.
The Induction Suite MW kindly examined me, I was 3cm and by then begging for pain relief.
Those who havent been induced probably wouldnt know just how awful induction contractions are. And I didnt know just how bad they were going to get.
So I had diamorphine, which was FANTASTIC. Im great on drugs apparently, talking utter crud!!!! DH put on our portable DVD player and we were watching FRIENDs and trying to get me through the contractions as best as we could.
3pm came along and my MW finally decided to show her face. She was very nice and apologetic for being caught up. She said she would do the ARM, which didnt hurt one bit and plenty of clear liquor came out.
About 30 mins later, she came back in and said the CTG was starting to show up problems so the Doc wanted me to go on EVIL Syntocinon and also to give me some fluids as my urine was showing ketones by this point so I was dehydrated. I kept asking about my UTI but nothing was being done about that. I had to have a fetal scalp electrode on because the abdo CTG band kept falling off and the trace remained dodgy.
The syntocinon was started at a low dose and then constantly upped and I could just about cope with the contractions until about 8pm when I turned into that girl and I was still only 3cm. My mum had just arrived and Ill never forget the look of horror on her face when she walked in, I was in complete hell with the onslaught of constant contractions by then, crying that I couldnt cope with it anymore and was shaking so badly my teeth were chattering. I had another shot of diamorph whilst they bleeped the anaesthetist who bless her came pretty quickly.
DH said I was so whacked out on the Diamorph that when she told me the epidural may sting, I just started to laugh!
The epidural was the best thing ever. My mum was watching my contraction trace and was astonished I couldnt feel them anymore because they were coming on top of each other. But honestly, I was so against having one when I was pregnant but if I hadnt had an epi, I think I would have died, or throttled my MW!! I was 4cm at midnight.
It was after then things became quite hairy. Id been shaking since 8am and hadnt passed much urine despite IV fluids. I had a low grade temperature and my heart rate was going so fast at 154bpm for hours. I kept insisting it was due to my UTI but no one would listen. I had IV paracetamol which calmed my heart rate down a tad. I couldnt stop vomiting, it was like the Exorcist. I was so thirsty and begging for drinks but the minute I wet my lips with just water I would projectile vomit all over my mum and DH. This went on for hours.
LOs heart rate was going all dodgy too. I was 6cm by 4.30am, so they decided to do a Fetal Blood Sample from her scalp, which showed she was fine.
We ended up having to do 4 of the blood samples every hour because LOs trace just kept getting worse and worse.
When I had them done the first time, the Doctor got absolutely soaked in more waters (haha). She also exclaimed when she put the speculum in because my LO had masses of black hair and invited everyone and my DH and mum to have a look up my chuff to see! I wasnt bothered by then; Ive never had an issue with that kind of thing tbh.
At 7am, they started mentioning C sections depending on how dilated I was within the next 2 hours because they were so anxious about mine and LOs heart rate. I was 7cm and stretching to 8 on contraction. They wanted me to be no less than 9cm at the next exam.
Then my epidural started to wear off and the 8am the night doctor came in and said she was handing over to the day team. All the night MWs and Docs had been in an out of my room and they all said how amazing I had been to cope with all this. The Doc said at 6cm she would have given up herself and begged for a C section! I wasnt adamant I didnt want one; Id trusted the medical team to make the decisions, not me. But the Doc did say because Im medical myself they let me go further than they might have done with a non-medical person because I understood more what was happening.
So the day Registrar came in and examined me. I was only 8cm still, so she said they could either EMCS or do a 5th FBS and really by now (36 hours of labour but only 9 hours of established labour) they were highly worried about both of us, so she advised EMCS. She gave me 5 mins to think about it and by then I was so tired and stressed and scared I agreed to it. I was devastated though, to go through so much and have the chance of vaginal delivery snatched from me was soul-destroying. My mum begged me to go for the EMCS, she was so terrified because of how ill I had been (I was still vomiting and shaking and had been for hours). She was convinced LO was stuck and the SpR said because LO was an OT presentation after so long, it would be highly unlikely I would deliver naturally anyway and if I tried, I would probably end up with failed forceps.
By then, the epidural had started to wear off and I was getting terrible pains on the right side of my abdomen, so the anaesthetist came in and topped me up whilst I was being consented for the EMCS.
I was wheeled down to theatre at 09:30. That trip down the corridor was the most terrifying thing of my life. I felt so alone and scared.
They got me into theatre and the anaesthetist was trying to calm me down as I kept shaking. DH came in after they had made the first incision.
The C Section itself was horrible. I could feel all the pulling and tugging and it felt pretty brutal. I also started to feel really unwell, because my blood pressure had plummeted to 70/30. I felt like I was going to pass out and/or vomit.
My Alice was born at 10:06 on 17/7/11 weighing 8lbs 14oz with a massive load of hair and was perfectly fine, though she didnt cry straight away when she was lifted out. She was taken straight to the rescusitaire and DH went over to take pictures. He looked totally ecstatic.
She was eventually brought over to me and DH held her because I couldnt with feeling so ill. It was great but horrible; because I felt so poorly and out of it I couldnt quite comprehend my little girl was out and safe.
I was wheeled out to recovery and was there for a while because my blood pressure was stubborn and wouldnt come up. I didnt get to hold LO for what felt like ages and DH had gone outside to let my poor anxious mother know what had happened.
I eventually got to hold her and have some skin to skin which was great. She didnt look anything like I thought she would. I was expecting her to look like her daddy but she looked the spit of me. It sounds weird but I couldnt quite believe she was my baby because she didnt look how I was expecting! She was (and still is) absolutely stunning and I never expected my baby to be so beautiful. I realise that makes me sound like a freak.
I was eventually wheeled out to postnatal ward and my mum, bless her, met Alice and was instantly smitten. I had been so worried, as you may know my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 20 weeks pregnant and she had been with me all night in the delivery suite and looked so ill....I was so so so worried about her.
I was parked in postnatal and it all became very crap.
The care I received in that shithole was abysmal. The MWs were so understaffed and I really struggled the first night trying to see to my LO when I couldnt even move. I ended up ripping my venflon out at one point to try and pick her up because the MWs werent able to get to me. Plus the woman across from me kept me awake moaning about the afterpains and asking if it was normal when my guts had been ripped open and I barely made a peep. She kept on leaving her baby alone and social services ended up coming to the ward.
I struggled terrible with the breastfeeding too and thats been a sore point with me since then.
The first night wasnt so bad feeding wise, although we struggled to latch on. But after that it was really tough. I was left alone all day and I was shouted at for asking for pain relief. Whenever I requested help with BFing as Alice really struggled to latch, they kept coming in, faceplanting her on my boob and walking off before checking if she had actually latched on. She wasnt latching, she was nipple sucking and my poor nips felt like they were on fire.
This carried on throughout the night but because she was less drowsy from the diamorph, she started crying more. All the mums in the room with me were new that day and most of them were FF, so the MWs were feeding their LOs throughout the night so the mums could get a good nights sleep but could I get more than 2 minutes from a MW to help me BF? Could I shite! Also, the mums in the room kept on tutting when Alice cried, so I was getting so stressed out. I couldnt stop crying. A MW eventually came in after I buzzed after one hour of trying to get her to latch on and I just cried my heart out to her. Not just about the BF but the EMCS and also how worried I was about my mum. She was lovely and listened to me. She also said I needed to stop putting so much pressure on myself about the BF as it is so difficult and with my risk factors for PND I need to be aware that the extra BFing pressure might be detrimental to my mental health.
Which was fine, except she then sent in a She-Hulk MW assistant to help me feed who again just faceplanted her onto my nip, let her nipple suck, tell me you cant go home until you establish breastfeeding and then stomped out saying she would be back in 10 minutes...which she wasnt.
That night I was up from 3am to 8am trying to feed her inbetween crying from both of us.
The next day they were happy to let me go. I was getting anxious about Alice though as I could tell she was jaundiced but the Baby Doc (whom I know and will never trust again considering what she missed) and the MW werent concerned and said put her under the window when we get home. They also werent bothered about her poor feeding. I think if I wasnt so sleep deprived and anxious to get the hell out of the horrible ward I would have made more of a fuss but we went home. Getting home was awful, I was so stressed about Alice and my in laws were stressing me out. My FIL was blustering about the car seat and putting it in the wrong way, in the meantime Alice was fretting for food. DH was really anxious because he could see I was upset and Alice was hungry. FIL then drove off with the boot door wide open and without me strapped in because their stupid car seatbelts wouldnt fit over me (and Im not huge!). He drove like a maniac as well, kept on driving over potholes, changing lanes too quick and too fast and braking sharply...all of which is not pleasant when you have had a EMCS 2 days before. I was crying silently in the back every time I was jolted. DH kept trying to tell FIL to slow down and stop driving fast over pot holes and FIL just kept making horrible remarks and laughing at me.
That day/night was the worst so far (there was worse to come). Alice was so drowsy and wouldnt feed for hours and hours. I was so scared she was septic or getting dehydrated and was sobbing to DH and my mum that there was something seriously wrong with her. I had called the National Breastfeeding Helpline and it was the nice BF volunteer I had met in hospital who gave me great advice but nothing seemed to be working and I was so desperate I gave her some formula at 11pm which she wolfed down and she settled so well.
I stayed up till 3am hand expressing a measly 7mls of colostrum which I gave her and because I think I was less anxious after her having something to eat, I was more calm and the BFing seemed to go better.
The next day was better and my milk had started to come in. However the MW came out and sent us straight into hospital as Alice had lost 11.5% of her body weight, was still passing meconium on day 3 and her jaundice was worse.
I fell to pieces, hadnt we gone through enough? By the time we got to A&E I was shaking like a leaf.
A&E sent us to the labs to get Alices heel prick done and that walk near killed me (my post op HB was 9 from 11.7). All the staff in the labs were really concerned, saying I looked like I was going to pass out (I felt like I was going to). Alice was so brave getting her heelprick done and all the lab staff were cooing over her (she really is a stunning baby).
So we go back to A&E, were seen by the Doc who said physically she was fine and her jaundice wasnt quite high enough to warrant phototherapy treatment so we could go home once she took a good feed off me.
A nurse came in to help me and it was the worst hour of my life. She kept shoving my nipple into Alices mouth and Alice just kept screaming and screaming. I was crying my eyes out because my poor poor baby sounded so distressed. DH said that hour watching us go through that was worse than anything he had seen in labour (and he saw it ALL).
The Doc popped back in and said his senior wanted to admit us to monitor Alices feeding and to give me support for BF.
They were going to kick DH out until I started sobbing on the ward, I was 3 days post C Sec, highly traumatised and couldnt move, I needed him desperately. They agreed to let him stay but wouldnt let him stay in the bed with me so he had to sleep on chairs. The poor guy hadnt slept properly for days.
That night Alice needed a venous blood sample and had to have 4 attempts at a cannula to get her blood. She was so brave but it was horrible to see it happen.
The support I got for BF was being given a breast pump and told to express whilst they topped up with FF. I really struggled to express and could only get 20mls in total at a time every 3 hours or so.
The next day the consultant came in and said her blood showed her jaundice was improving but another of her liver function tests (her ALT) was high and they werent sure why so they wanted that repeating the day after, along with her weight. Also, the Consultant could hear a heart murmur which she said the next day she suspects isnt an innocent murmur but a structural one. Hopefully its a mild defect, like a Patent Foramen Ovale which doesnt really need surgical fixing.
So we spent that day really dedicated to keeping an eye on her feeding ourselves, expressing like a madwoman and getting more and more worried.
That night, poor DH didnt sleep at all as I passed out with exhaustion, so he took care of Alice. Hed had some sleep the night she was born but I hadnt had any since before the induction, so thats probably why. I feel so guilty for that though.
We were discharged the next day with follow up the the General Paeds in a month and a non-rgent appointment with Paeds Cardiology about the murmur.
Ive been trying to express as much as I can since we got home on Friday 22/7/11 but its tough as I still cant produce much despite trying all the tricks in the book. I think Im going to stick just with formula as she seems very content on that and last night she refused my pitiful amount of EBM.
Were going to have a debrief in the hospital in 6 weeks about my EMCS and the only nice MW has just facebooked me because she saw me make a disparaging comment on a mutual friends status update about the lack of care I received postnatally!
I know people go through worse. But from start to finish this has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I have struggled to bond with my daughter thanks to everything weve been through, Im highly anxious and tearful and cant stop panicking about the future. DH has been amazing and fortunately isnt due back to work until mid-August. But Im so scared how Im going to cope without him. Hes done so much of the care for Alice because Im still recovering from my EMCS and I feel guilty hes had to do that, although he doesnt resent it as he is a fantastic daddy and is very hands on. Ive fallen more in love with him after the amazing support he gave me throughout labour and now how he is as a father. Hes amazing.
Have a cookie if you have read all the way through, I know its long. The MW who came out to see me on Saturday advised me to write it all down in detail to try and help me get over it. When DH and I told her what had happened she looked like she was going to cry.
I just hope we can move on from it and I can avoid PND or PTSD from it. I do feel better today and am starting to get to know and love my beautiful baby girl. After all, it wasnt her fault that we went through that. And she went through it too. I shouldnt worry how Im going to cope with her in my life in future. I need to think about how Im going to fit my life around her, not fit her around my old life.
Your after care sounds horrendous, and I hope that they have some serious answers about it when you have your debrief 
I also had bad after care on the ward after the birth of my daughter and they were also understaffed and my daughter wasn't latching properly.
