The whining is driving me insane!

[jessmke]

My DD was the easiest, most independent and easy-going baby until she turned 1. Then for the last year it has been non-stop clinginess and whining and I just can't take it anymore! She gets a lot of one-on-one attention, I went back to work when she was 1, but only for 6 months before start maternity leave again, but even when back at work she only went to daycare 2 afternoons a week because my OH and I worked opposite shifts. So in the last year she almost always has one of us home with her. I don't think any of it has to do with the birth of her brother because it started before he was born and didn't change or get any worse after his birth (and she absolutely adores him and hasn't had a single moment of jealously that we've noticed). If we are out of the house at playgroup or a friend's house where there are other kids for her to play with she is an absolute pleasure, but at home she just does.not.stop.whining. She has also started asking constantly to be picked up, and since we started telling her "sorry I can't pick you up right now because I'm ___" she now asks constantly for a hug because she knows we won't say no to that. We play with her a lot at home and give her a lot of affection, but sometimes I need to go throw the laundry in the dryer or scarf down a piece of toast, I can't just spend every waking minute playing with her or walking around holding her. It is starting to drive me insane and after a year of this I just feel like I don't enjoy spending time with her at home anymore. She also does not like to be cuddled, so we can't just lay on the couch and have a cuddle, she asks to be picked up all the time but then when you do pick her up she is just squirming and trying to grab things of the counter or asking "whats this" and pointing to everything she sees (even if she knows exactly what it is), so I don't think she is looking for affection when asking to be picked up. When she starts whining I tell her I can't understand her when she whines, or I ask her to stop whining and just tell me what she wants. She will then repeat without whining what she wants, or she will just ask to be picked up or for a hug. Can anyone else relate, or give me some tips on how to deal? We are out of the house at activities or playgroups Mon-Thurs from 9am-noon, but I can't just leave the house every time she starts whining and clinging to my pant legs. Help!

 

[Witchrose]

We actually just went through a short bout of this. My two and a half year old son suddenly became terribly clingy. So much so, that for a few days he barely even ate, because as soon as we'd put him in his chair, he'd burst out in horrible tears, begging me to hold him again. So with lack of food, and also the fact that he wasn't sleeping well, he was becoming more and more cranky (he's usually very sweet and easygoing). And the worse he felt, of course the more holding he wanted, so a vicious cycle had begun.

We knew we had to nip it in the bud, and the only way we could was with tough love. I had to use a sterner voice and just said to him: "This is it. You know mommy loves you with all her heart, and you will have so many more hugs, but mommy also has to do things on her own, and you do, too." So I gave him the choice: "You can either go play by yourself, rest on Sam (his large, fluffy stuffed dog), or have a time out. But this is IT." He continued screaming and crying, so he got the time out. When I let him out of his room, I asked the question again, and this time he said: "rest on Sam." which he did.

And boom! He's back to his normal self. So as heart wrenching as it can be to see their tears, and hear their desperate pleas, I strongly advise not to give in to it. it just perpetuates the problem.

 

[jessmke]

We've tried the time out for whining, it works amazingly well for other behaviours, but seems to have no affect on the whining. If anything it makes the whining and clinginess worse. One day I just kept putting her in time out over and over all afternoon and it didn't make a lick of difference. It made me think that maybe she is needing something (attention, affection, etc) that I am not giving her, but I can't figure out what that is. And I know I need to stop giving her a hug every time she asks for it, because she probably asks 50+ times a day, but it is just so hard to decline affection when your child asks for it! I grew up in a family that didn't show much, if any, affection, and I don't want my children growing up like that. But I would also like to be able to go pee without having to lean forward and hug my child while sitting on the toilet.

 

[Witchrose]

I hear you. I strive to give my own son a balance between affection/attention and independence. I like a saying that I think I read here: "give them roots and wings."

Anyway, good luck! Hope you find something that works for you.

 

[Zephram]

When she asks for a hug, it’s okay for it not to be instant gratification. It’s not denying affection if you are literally in the middle of peeing or stir frying your dinner - it is 100% okay to say: “Yes, I will give you a hug once I’ve finished pooping/chopping the meat”. There’s nothing wrong with that and she won’t be scarred for life for having to wait a couple of minutes while you do something necessary. It’s the same with anything she asks for - it’s good to learn to wait with patience! She will kick up a fuss the first few times you do it, but she’ll catch on.

You’re not alone, by the way. Both of my boys were incredibly whiny at that age and I would end up cooking dinner most days with a whining toddler clinging to my legs. It’s a phase that most kids go through - they do eventually come out of it. My DS2 in 2.5 now and he’s pretty good if I say to him, “Yep, just a minute buddy, I’ve got to finish his first”. The key is always following through when you’ve done what you need to do, they learn to accept that you’re reliable and waiting a minute won’t kill them.

 

[catty]

My daughter has gone through this a few times in her life and id say be stong and let her know you are the parent. It was getting to the stage i was heavily pregnant carrying around a 2.5 year old that could EASILY walk and putting myself through pain because i didnt want her to kick off or feel sad. its ok to sometimes say no.
I dont have any ideas but my friends daughter is 2 and was the exact same always wanting carried and just last month i noticed she is much more independant so maybe its an age thing?

For me as hard as it is ignore it if possible and if she does nice things praise like crazy. When she is whiny and annoying - ignore.
I feel bad saying that as not like shes a dog or something but i really feel your pain and sometimes its hard to say that your child is annoying.

My daughter has got alot better btw.

 

[loeylo]

I’m right here with ya!

Gracie literally walks around going “muuuummmy! Mum! Muuuummma! Muuuuuum!” For hours. If I say “what baby?” Or acknowledge her in any way, she just smiles and says “Mummy” again. It’s like she’s 6 months old!

We do tough love here, so I finish what I’m doing before I hug/hold her.

Her favourite new trick is being carried to see all the rooms in the house - rooms which she can easily get to herself. It drives me mad!

 

[Wobbles]

My youngest didn't stop until she was 3 ... she drove us absolutely cRaZy including her sister ... 14 months apart and she used to put her hands over her ears and beg her to stop! lol

 

[jessmke]

I think a big part of her problem is she doesn't sleep enough. She sleeps through the night (mostly, barring illness or teething or something), but has been waking earlier and earlier lately. She goes down at 7 pm and used to sleep until at least 7 am, but now she is sometimes up at 6 am or earlier. She wakes up miserable and clearly isn't ready to get up yet, but she will not go back to sleep. Same with naps, she sometimes has a great 2 hr nap and wakes up happy, but most of the time it's less than an hour and she wakes up miserable. We just got her a Gro Clock and are using it for the first time tonight so hopefully she learns to just go back to sleep if she wakes up too early.

Today I took the kids cross country skiing and she whined and cried and screamed so much I lost it and told her that if she didn't stop I was going to take her out of the stroller and leave her on the side of the trail. This shut her up for about 2 min and then the whining started again. I know that is not an appropriate or productive way to deal with the situation, but I just couldn't take it any more! There was nothing wrong with her, she just wanted to get out of the stroller. We were only out for 45 min so it's not like I expected her to sit there for hours! I even brought her a big cookie to eat to keep her occupied, it's only the second cookie she's ever had so I thought she would be so excited about it, but she just kept screaming and shoved the cookie in her mouth when she would stop for a breath.

I've started making her wait for a hug, so now she asks or a hug and I'll say "I am in the middle of ____ right now, I will give you a hug when I'm done." Then she responds with a pathetic and whiney "I love you Moooooommmmmmmyyyyyy".

 

[Witchrose]

Try to remain strong. I really think this is all just part of them learning how to cope with things, and that we have to give them the chance to learn such coping skills.

The horrible clinginess that I mentioned above in regards to my son has stayed away, luckily. But he has been trying to use tears to pull me away from something. I've been using soft tones, but have been remaining firm in telling him that I also need to do things, have some relax-time, etc. He'll sniffle for a bit but then wander away.

I remember growing up, my parents so often saying, "this is harder on us than it is on you." Now all these decades later, I know what they mean!

ETA: oh, and don't feel bad about losing your temper. Who has never?