Things are looking up!

[Nolly]

As some of you may know my DH dropped a bombshell a few weeks ago and told me he doesn't want children. This has been an ongoing thing with him and I know in my heart it is FEAR that is stopping him. He had a bad childhood and is also a recovering alcoholic. He has control issues and is finding it hard to cope with his life at times. I have tried to talk to him many times about this but he says he is fine and that I am trying to blame him for everything.

So anyway to try to sort things out once and for all he agreed to go to marriage counselling. I just wanted him to see that he is being totally unreasonable, not about not wanting children but that he cant expect me to just accept it and stay with him anyway.

So we went on Monday night. The counsellor was very nice and very easy to talk to. She said the first time was more of an assessment session than an actual counselling session. Anyway to cut a very long story short she read him like a book. She saw that he is crippled with fear and his anxiety levels are through the roof.

So she asked him if he wanted to stay wrapped in fear or if he wanted to break free from it. She recommended that he go to our GP and get GP to refer him to this specialist centre (that is actually in our town) and they will help him cope with stress and anxiety. Let me just say his stress and anxiety is not based on reality but on fears that such and such might happen. For example he stresses all day on Sunday that my mother will ring and "ruin" our day together. In 4 years of marriage I'd say she has rang here on Sunday about twice.

The thing is it has really started to affect me. I am feeling constantly under pressure myself because of his behaviour.

So back to Monday night she told him to go home and think about it. So I asked him in the car on the way home what he thought of it all and he said he needed to think about it. I said fair enough.

So fast forward to last night (tues). He wanted me to type up something for him and I said I'd think about it....lol. He asked me when would I know and I said I had a lot on my mind and I wasn't sure. Again to cut a loooong story short I asked him if he had thought about what he needed to think about and it turns out he is afraid to go to the doctor. So I asked him if he wanted me to go with him and explain about counsellor and what she said. I asked him why he didnt just ask me to go with him or explain to me that he was afraid and he said he was afraid to tell me!!!!

So the outcome is he is going to go to GP!!!! I am actually a bit hopeful that we might get a bit of progress.

So TTC is off the cards at the moment which I dont mind too much as long as he is doing something progressive.

Sorry about the long rant but it is a weight off my mind just typing it here.

 

[dachsundmom]

 

[Redclaire]

oooh i've been where you are now!!
i was married for 7 years to a guy who always put off having kids, that was grand we travelled the world together and had alot of fun really. when i turned 31 i reckoned it was time to start a family, we had good jobs, had built a lovely big house, all rosy...or so i thought. Anyhow within 6 months he was on anti depressants, dealing with the 'stress' of the idea of forthcoming baby...even tho i wasn't pregnant yet! I did everything to calm his nerves and be supportive of his anxieties, basically promising to rear the child myself to ease the burden on him!
roll on another 6 months, still not pregnant and trying to get him to DTD was a nightmare...any excuse was used. Then we went to the GP and a fertility specialist. He had basically no live sperm...and he was delighted! He rang all his friends when we got back from the appt and happily told them kids weren't on the cards for us! I was devastated!
Six months on again he was working away abroad and over the phone told me that he would not do any treatment (ivf/icsi/ donor) That if i wanted a child i should sleep with someone else...only stupid, thick people have kids, it wasn't for him.
That was it for me. The end. I knew i wanted a child, above all else. We separated and got divorced. He married a girl with a toddler within a yr of the divorce. I met the man of my dreams 3 months after ex and i separated. And as you can see from my ticker i'm up the duffler!! And so happy i could burst!

So the moral of this long long story??? Don't give up on your dreams!! NOT EVER!! Maybe kids arn't for him, maybe all this stress is because he hasn't the guts to tell you all along kids arn't for him. Well ok then, that's his choice....but that doesn't mean it has to be yours too!
I hope it works out for you and your OH but keep your eye on the prize too!!

 

[Nolly]

oooh i've been where you are now!!
i was married for 7 years to a guy who always put off having kids, that was grand we travelled the world together and had alot of fun really. when i turned 31 i reckoned it was time to start a family, we had good jobs, had built a lovely big house, all rosy...or so i thought. Anyhow within 6 months he was on anti depressants, dealing with the 'stress' of the idea of forthcoming baby...even tho i wasn't pregnant yet! I did everything to calm his nerves and be supportive of his anxieties, basically promising to rear the child myself to ease the burden on him!
roll on another 6 months, still not pregnant and trying to get him to DTD was a nightmare...any excuse was used. Then we went to the GP and a fertility specialist. He had basically no live sperm...and he was delighted! He rang all his friends when we got back from the appt and happily told them kids weren't on the cards for us! I was devastated!
Six months on again he was working away abroad and over the phone told me that he would not do any treatment (ivf/icsi/ donor) That if i wanted a child i should sleep with someone else...only stupid, thick people have kids, it wasn't for him.
That was it for me. The end. I knew i wanted a child, above all else. We separated and got divorced. He married a girl with a toddler within a yr of the divorce. I met the man of my dreams 3 months after ex and i separated. And as you can see from my ticker i'm up the duffler!! And so happy i could burst!

So the moral of this long long story??? Don't give up on your dreams!! NOT EVER!! Maybe kids arn't for him, maybe all this stress is because he hasn't the guts to tell you all along kids arn't for him. Well ok then, that's his choice....but that doesn't mean it has to be yours too!
I hope it works out for you and your OH but keep your eye on the prize too!!

Thank you so much for this post and thank you for sharing your story!

First of all congrats on your news.... please God that will be me someday!

I understand exactly what you are saying to me and I dont intend to hang around hoping he will change or get better forever. I am giving him 3 months to get his head together and if after that time he is still saying he doesnt want kids then fair enough but I am not giving up on my dream of being a mother. Even if I have to separate from him and do it solo then so be it!

As I said he is a little more complicated than just not wanting kids but he is full of fears and anxieties in everyday life not just about children. While I will agree that fact that I have been pushing the issue a lot more lately ~(he was NTNP mindset) has escalated his anxieties. At the moment I am happy for him to try to get himself sorted and babies are off the table for the moment.... no point in putting more pressure on him.

I am fully prepared to walk away after giving it this last shot. Its make or break time!

 

[Natsby]

Nolly Great that he is trying to get help, (wish I could say the same for my OH!) I really hope it works for him, although it may be a long process. Poor man feeling so afraid all the time, it must be hell. I feel for you I really do, and I empathize, my oh takes meds for anxiety but won´t seek any other help. A word of warning some of the meds can affect sperm count so check what he is being given if they go that route.
I hope you never have to decide between your OH and children, I have thought long and hard about weather it is worth the hassle of being with someone who has mental health problems, (all be it not severe,) and addiction issues, and so far I stick with him. Because everyone has problems, I don´t think I could ever find anyone who loved me more and forgave more of my faults so readily. It is all a balancing act I guess, anyway I´m too old now (38)to go out and start again with someone else who may also not want kids or have problems further down the line.
Good luck, (sorry this is a bit of a confused ramble.)

 

[Indigo77]

Good luck, Nolly!

 

[Jodes2011]

 

[alison29]

That seems kind of selfish of him to gleefully tell the world no kids for you guys. Don't give up your dreams lady!

 

[Nolly]

Thanks girls for all your replies.

Natsby I just wanted to ask how your OH feels about ttc? Have you already got children?

I also just wanted to say when I read back my post and I said I would give it 3 months what I meant by that in 3 months I will evaluate the situation. If he is making progress and is really taking his treatment seriously and WANTS to get better then I will stick it out. But if he is fighting it and b1tching to me that he doesnt want to do it and its all my fault blah blah blah then I will have a serious decision to make!

 

[dachsundmom]

Nolly, when does DH see a specialist?

 

[Nolly]

Well we are going to GP on Saturday morning to start the process. Please God there wont be a massive long waiting list!!!!

 

[Desperado167]

Nolly,don't give up lovely ,hoping u and dh get things sorted,u are an amazing woman ,and deserve the best ,good luck ,

 

[Nolly]

Oh Despie, what a lovely thing to say. Thank you so much x

 

[Redclaire]

Hi Nolly!
just wanted to add a big hug
It's a very hard place you're in and soo hard to get your head around ripping your life apart, even if there are some problems with the relationship. I was reared to believe you work at a marriage...i did, he didn't! If yours does then he's a keeper with some issues (haven't we all tho??!!) I'm a nurse and used all my skills to support my ex thru his 'stress' and 'anxiety' ( not being smart about my ex...ok i am really!) I never even had a row or raised my voice to him in case it upset him!
When i left my sisters praised me for being brave, but really i was excited and felt free...i hadn't been in love with my ex for a long time cos i have lost respect for him. I gave myself a time limit too and stuck to it! I also set a target ...if i wasn't with someone that i'd have a child with by the age of 36 i'd go it alone to a clinic and get a donor dad! No waayy would i give up on my wish to be a mom....but luckily i met himself my sweetheart
Best of luck Nolly...i hope he's a keeper and you get a dream come true too!