Think I've upset dh

[Flip flop]

I don't have a massive sex drive and sometimes just can't be bothered. The last few times he's wanted sex it's not been ideal timing, once was during my period, once was at 3am and now tonight he texted me from bed (I was still up) and I said I didn't fancy it.

Now he's moved to the downstairs bed, he said it's because of the springs in the bed but it might be because I've rejected him again.

I'm not sure what to do about this, the truth is I'm just not that fussed about having sex, should I just do it anyway in future so I don't upset him?

 

[tverb84]

I don't think you should have sex just to please him and make him happy.Maybe you should tell him you don't have a high sex drive?

 

[Symphony7]

I have a lower sex drive. I do it sometimes because I know he would like it more. I enjoy it once we are doing it, I am just kind of lazy about the start up process. It certainly doesn't cause me any distress to do it, so I figure why not compromise.

For the record, he is great and has said many times not to do it just for him...but I want to you know? Maybe I don't always want to do it for me, but I think that's okay...I want him to be happy.

Ultimately you have to decide what's right in your relationship...you've got to communicate. Problems start cropping up when people stop talking about it. And it can be awkward as hell, but it's the only way to make sure everyone is on the same page. I am kind of the opinion that the person with the lower sex drive shouldsometimes accommodate the person with the higher sex drive. It's about compromise, it shouldn't always be the person with a lower sex drive getting their way. No one will have it ideal unless you both have the exact equal drive, but I do think each person needs to make concessions so the other feels comfortable and happy and gets what they want half the time.

 

[plamy]

I have the same problem. I don't have this desire for sex we see in the movies. But my husband has it. In a serious talk he told me that he wants to have sex at least 3 times per day. Because of me we have 1-2 per weak (to please him rather than because I am in mood).
So we fight about that often. Each time I tell him that he should be more romantic and to make me romantic surprises so I can be in mood. He never does so but keeps getting angry when I reject him (not in mood, too tired...)
His point of view is that at the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of sex and when we don't have that much now he thinks I don't find him attractive and sexy. This is the thing that really upsets him - his wife doesn't find him attractive.
But at the begging of our relationship we had that much sex because I really wanted to please him rather than because I needed it. And I really find him attractive. Almost each day I tell him that he is very handsome. Kiss him and hug him all the time. But he needs me to show him my attraction to him via sex. I need him to be more romantic. So each of us is showing our love in our own way and expects the other one to start showing it in our way.
So we fight about this 3-4 times per year. And nothing really changes.
So if your husband is upset, this might be the reason why - thinking he can't turn you on any more.

 

[Flip flop]

I have the same problem. I don't have this desire for sex we see in the movies. But my husband has it. In a serious talk he told me that he wants to have sex at least 3 times per day. Because of me we have 1-2 per weak (to please him rather than because I am in mood).
So we fight about that often. Each time I tell him that he should be more romantic and to make me romantic surprises so I can be in mood. He never does so but keeps getting angry when I reject him (not in mood, too tired...)
His point of view is that at the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of sex and when we don't have that much now he thinks I don't find him attractive and sexy. This is the thing that really upsets him - his wife doesn't find him attractive.
But at the begging of our relationship we had that much sex because I really wanted to please him rather than because I needed it. And I really find him attractive. Almost each day I tell him that he is very handsome. Kiss him and hug him all the time. But he needs me to show him my attraction to him via sex. I need him to be more romantic. So each of us is showing our love in our own way and expects the other one to start showing it in our way.
So we fight about this 3-4 times per year. And nothing really changes.
So if your husband is upset, this might be the reason why - thinking he can't turn you on any more.

I'm pretty sure this is the reason you know. He has self doubting issues about his sexuality now and thinks I don't find him attractive anymore but I do.

He's now started talking about buying lots of sex toys and while I do think it could help it scares me slightly, not really sure why. I think I'm worried he's going to want it even more and I might really be into it.

We did make up that night and I got him to come up for sex, not because I wanted it but because I was so worried about this causing a rift between us.

I think he takes it really seriously and if we aren't having it a lot it means there's something wrong but I don't see it that way.

Also he's said before he thinks I only want it if it's for making a baby which is true in a way, I'd want it more if we were trying but I can't help that.

 

[plamy]

There is always tension between us because of our sex issue. He is always passively angry about it. We are going to start TTC in less than 2 months and then we will have sex much more often. So I am a little bit scared that he might get offended because I would make sex with him just to get pregnant.
My plan now is to give him sex whenever he asks so he doesn't get upset during TTC. After all I want everything around TTC, pregnancy and baby to be as smooth as possible, without fights and so on.

About the toys, a few years ago me and my husband decided to buy me a vibrator. Together we found one that I really liked. He did not push me. It was fun to do it together. And he left me choose it. So there was a period for few months that we tried it. It gave us some temporary boost. But when you are not in mood for sex there is no toy that can permanently help you.

 

[Flip flop]

I'm going to try and do it more often as I feel my oh is becoming passively agressive about it too. I also don't want him to think I'm only doing it for baby making.

Yeah he's not forcing me into it, he's letting me choose. He's also talking about getting one too and they look/seem a bit weird but I guess they arent any weirder than female ones.

 

[MamaWorld]

Do something different for a change. Get some lingerie, do something different with your hair and makeup, maybe even get a sex toy if that's in your comfort zone. And seduce him. Not only will it please him, but it'll boost your sex drive making yourself look and feel sexy.

 

[plamy]

Do something different for a change. Get some lingerie, do something different with your hair and makeup, maybe even get a sex toy if that's in your comfort zone. And seduce him. Not only will it please him, but it'll boost your sex drive making yourself look and feel sexy.

At the beginning I was doing a lot of these stuff. But it turned out to be much more pleasing for him. I have a huge box full with lingerie. So now in our fights he keeps asking why I am not doing this any more.
But as i am the one with low sex drive i think that he should surprise me. But he never does. Flip flop, you may try to ask your husband to make you surprises. May be your husband would do it (not like mine).

 

[Flip flop]

I wasn't sure whether to mention this or not but I keep wanting to flirt with other guys, I feel guilty about it but I get such a buzz. Is this wrong?

 

[MamaWorld]

Haha, plamy, that's funny! My husband gets upset if he says something like "wanna fuck?" or "blow me?" And I don't jump right on it. I told him to make me want to have sex with him. So what's he do... he did the dishes thinking that was gonna give him a piece as soon as he was done. Men just don't get it.

 

[MamaWorld]

And flip flop, flirting is one thing, cheating is another.

 

[arturia]

Flip Flop - I have a lot to say on this subject so bear with me.

First, are you on any kind of hormonal birth control? When I went off mine I found my sex drive to be significantly more... active. Particularly in the first half of the month. While birth control doesn't reliably affect sex drive person to person, it CAN be a factor, and there are definitely options you can try that are either more localized, or don't involve hormones at all. And sometimes a particular formula won't affect you as much. Also other drugs that affect sex drive. When I was on an anti-depressant briefly, I basically stopped being interested entirely. If such is your goal, you could consider discussing with your doctor any medication changes to get you interested more often.

Second, when I rejected my husband, he would often get mopey and stop cuddling/touching me, all the while saying it was my choice. So his actions didn't follow his words and I often felt unhappy and stigmatized by his subsequent rejection of me. Other times I would agree to sex just to make him happy, but if he asked for it too often I ended up feeling used. In the long run this made sex an uncomfortable subject for me. Don't get caught in this trap. Yes, it's a delicate balance, but you need to balance YOUR needs as well as HIS. I'd recommend communicating more on the topic.

Third, there are definitely things you can do to stimulate your own sex drive that have nothing to do with your medication levels. The mention of lingerie can help. Making a list of things (kinks) you'd like to try can help as well. While some have issues with the morality of it all, I don't, so I'll suggest reading or watching pornographic material sometimes, so long as your husband doesn't have an issue with you viewing it. (Some folks consider porn cheating. I don't really understand it.) One thing to remember however is that any activity you try needs the green light from BOTH of you. For example, for awhile my husband was pressuring me to try a threesome with me. I'm bisexual, but ALSO decidedly monogamous, so this wasn't a go for me. But he seemed to behave as if our sex life would die if we didn't try it. So I tried to go along. (No we didn't proceed to end-game, luckily.) Lesson to learn here: Do not waver here. Nobody is going to be happy if you do.

Fourth, your interest in flirting with other men is tricky. There's nothing inherently wrong with this urge. You say it's a turn on for you. Perhaps you should discuss this with your husband, as you might (personality dependent) be able to work with this. Your husband may be willing or interested in exploring this with you. Definitely do NOT proceed without the green light from him.

 

[plamy]

Haha, plamy, that's funny! My husband gets upset if he says something like "wanna fuck?" or "blow me?" And I don't jump right on it. I told him to make me want to have sex with him. So what's he do... he did the dishes thinking that was gonna give him a piece as soon as he was done. Men just don't get it.

This is exactly what my husband does too. I keep telling him, you can't just tell me "let's make sex" and when I say I am not in mood to get upset. But he can't even realize what is wrong in these situations. He is always ready for sex, so obviously he expects the same from me.

About the flirting... I love flirting. And my husband knows it. I sometimes flirt with colleagues, but me and my husband know that that's it. I wouldn't go any far than that. For me this is just a fun game. But it is strange that though he knows I love flirting he never use it to get sex. He just literally asks for it and that's it.

 

[jessmke]

I definitely have a lower sex drive than my OH, so we both compromise. Sometimes he has to be ok with us not having sex even though he really wants it, and sometimes I have sex even though I'm not really in the mood. So long as we are both compromising equally things are fine with us. Problems arise when one of us is always the person who gets it their way. I find that even when I'm not in the mood I end up getting into it once we get going.

So I guess my advice is to try to make compromises equal in your sexual relationship so one person isn't continually disappointed.

 

[Flip flop]

Ok so he got me the vibrated and I actually think it's great so no complaints there! Maybe I will want sex more now!

I have another issue now. Please don't judge. I was drunk At the weekend I was really drunk one night (a was at grandparents) and stated 'sexting' guy I know from work. He didn't write much back. In the morning I wrote to apologise and he said was a bit awkward and inappropriate. I feel a complete fool. I also feel starngly rejected. I know it's wrong but feel really crap about the whole thing. I also feel guilt that I did it but also feel I may have lost the guy as a friend/colleague (I got on really well with him.