This story might seem crazy but please.......I need support and not judgement. I've been ttc naturally for 6 years. I started when I was about 18. I was engaged to my elementary school sweetheart. He's been a diabetic all his life and during the time we were engaged, his health was taking a turn for the worse. He was in and out of the hospital a lot but always talked about getting married and having a baby because he might not be here long. We decided we would wait to plan a wedding because of his health but he wanted a child to carry his name "just in case something would happen to him". He even had names he'd already picked out. I thought it was crazy talk and maybe he was just depressed and tired of practically living at the hospital. I just wanted to see him happy. I thought....I really didn't want to be old when I have children, we were engaged, lived together, my family was extremely supportive of us, and were financially stable so I talked to my doctor about trying because I've always had irregular cycles. But they had started coming regularly without the help of medication or birth control. He gave me the go ahead and told me not to hesitate to call if I had any problems. And we started trying immediately.
A year and a half went by and no baby. I started to think something was wrong so I made an appointment and had a talk with my doctor. He basically told me "You are young. Stop worrying so much." He suggested I lose weight and if another year had gone by he would check to see if everything was alright. I thought that was BS because I am not an obese person. I have some thickness but I've never been a huge person. I'm the type of person that can lose weight if I try to but I stay the same size if I don't, no matter what I eat. I lost some pounds anyway and still no luck. Then, in Febuary of 2010, he passed away from kidney failure. I felt like I had failed him and became so depressed, I just kinda went into my own world. On top of that...my grandmother, who I am very close to, was diagnosed with cancer, went through surgery, and chemo that year. Which is very hard to see an 80 year old go through. My hair was falling out and I gained a lot of weight. I went to the doctor for my yearly appointment and he said he's never seen me look so down. He handed me a diet plan and prescribed Prozac.
Through all of this, there was one person who was there for me. I'm not proud of it, but I was cheating on my fiance. There were times my grandmother and fiance were in the hospital at the same time. It was beyond stressful for me. I met an older guy online that I had so much in common with. He was patient and kind to me. We were just friends for months and one day became lovers. I continued seeing him after my fiance passed and fell in love with him. We now live together and are very happy. We've been having unprotected sex from the beginning. And I have to admit....I was secretly hoping I might get pregnant just to be sure I could have children. I know it was reckless and wrong but I had become desperate for a baby. I thought it would "cure" me and I would become elated because of a new lil bundle of joy.
Another year passed and it was time for another yearly check-up plus I'd started having these strange really strong horrible cramps during my periods. My period suddenly skipped an entire month and I was extremely excited. I finally told my boyfriend about my "need" to have a child and he was actually excited because he was secretly hoping we'd conceive too
. I told my doctor I'd been off prozac and really want a baby. I feel like he ignored me and started trying to shove birth control down my throat and asked to see me in a couple months. He said birth control could help regulate my cycles (which were already regular), help with the cramps, and may prevent cervical cancer. I told him straight up "I Do NOT want birth control. I want to know what is wrong with ME." Then he said he would do an ultrasound then he wanted me to start birth control. I was supposed to do the ultrasound in January but I rescheduled 3times because I was too busy to make the appointments. I stopped having baby fever and worrying about it until my period skipped an entire month. a few more days went by and I was sooo excited. I read about women who stopped thinking and stressing about it and.....Presto! They were pregnant. I planned on buying an hpt today. But I went to the bathroom and noticed blood when I wiped. I'm pretty sure it's my period. It's strange cause I usually have extreme breast pain and cramps. I feel moderate cramps and my breast don't hurt at all. I cried...even though I told myself I wouldn't this time. Now, I feel like giving up. Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mother and the doctor just wants to force me to take birth control. I feel like.....if it happens it happens. I'm tired of stressing and crying about it. I tell myself that but I know I will probably still stress about it which really upsets me. It also doesn't help that my sister is pregnant right now with number two. I'm very happy for her but envious too. My ultrasound is on the 20th of this month...
Thanks to anyone who actually read my venting. Any advice on what to talk to my gynecologist about or ask? Should I give in to my doctor and take the birth control? Has anyone heard of women being on birth control to regulate their cycles then miraculously conceiving after stopping? The doctor handles this sort of thing every day so he should know what's best for me, right?
A year and a half went by and no baby. I started to think something was wrong so I made an appointment and had a talk with my doctor. He basically told me "You are young. Stop worrying so much." He suggested I lose weight and if another year had gone by he would check to see if everything was alright. I thought that was BS because I am not an obese person. I have some thickness but I've never been a huge person. I'm the type of person that can lose weight if I try to but I stay the same size if I don't, no matter what I eat. I lost some pounds anyway and still no luck. Then, in Febuary of 2010, he passed away from kidney failure. I felt like I had failed him and became so depressed, I just kinda went into my own world. On top of that...my grandmother, who I am very close to, was diagnosed with cancer, went through surgery, and chemo that year. Which is very hard to see an 80 year old go through. My hair was falling out and I gained a lot of weight. I went to the doctor for my yearly appointment and he said he's never seen me look so down. He handed me a diet plan and prescribed Prozac.
Through all of this, there was one person who was there for me. I'm not proud of it, but I was cheating on my fiance. There were times my grandmother and fiance were in the hospital at the same time. It was beyond stressful for me. I met an older guy online that I had so much in common with. He was patient and kind to me. We were just friends for months and one day became lovers. I continued seeing him after my fiance passed and fell in love with him. We now live together and are very happy. We've been having unprotected sex from the beginning. And I have to admit....I was secretly hoping I might get pregnant just to be sure I could have children. I know it was reckless and wrong but I had become desperate for a baby. I thought it would "cure" me and I would become elated because of a new lil bundle of joy.
Another year passed and it was time for another yearly check-up plus I'd started having these strange really strong horrible cramps during my periods. My period suddenly skipped an entire month and I was extremely excited. I finally told my boyfriend about my "need" to have a child and he was actually excited because he was secretly hoping we'd conceive too
. I told my doctor I'd been off prozac and really want a baby. I feel like he ignored me and started trying to shove birth control down my throat and asked to see me in a couple months. He said birth control could help regulate my cycles (which were already regular), help with the cramps, and may prevent cervical cancer. I told him straight up "I Do NOT want birth control. I want to know what is wrong with ME." Then he said he would do an ultrasound then he wanted me to start birth control. I was supposed to do the ultrasound in January but I rescheduled 3times because I was too busy to make the appointments. I stopped having baby fever and worrying about it until my period skipped an entire month. a few more days went by and I was sooo excited. I read about women who stopped thinking and stressing about it and.....Presto! They were pregnant. I planned on buying an hpt today. But I went to the bathroom and noticed blood when I wiped. I'm pretty sure it's my period. It's strange cause I usually have extreme breast pain and cramps. I feel moderate cramps and my breast don't hurt at all. I cried...even though I told myself I wouldn't this time. Now, I feel like giving up. Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mother and the doctor just wants to force me to take birth control. I feel like.....if it happens it happens. I'm tired of stressing and crying about it. I tell myself that but I know I will probably still stress about it which really upsets me. It also doesn't help that my sister is pregnant right now with number two. I'm very happy for her but envious too. My ultrasound is on the 20th of this month...Thanks to anyone who actually read my venting. Any advice on what to talk to my gynecologist about or ask? Should I give in to my doctor and take the birth control? Has anyone heard of women being on birth control to regulate their cycles then miraculously conceiving after stopping? The doctor handles this sort of thing every day so he should know what's best for me, right?
