Thinking again about maintenance

[Welshcob]

Hi Girls

I am so sorry that so many of us are having these issues. It just seems like a struggle the whole time. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. Can't get my head around why or how a man can behave the way he has about his baby. I think I just have to accept that he wants nothing to do with me or it. I actually know logically that this is the best thing for both of us as he can be a very cruel and cold man. He is abusive and controlling, he always disappears when ever there is any support needed. And the only person he has ever been able to think of is himself.
Because of fear of him, I have had to move, at great expense. Its been such a huge waste of money, but I have had to feel safe. and moving was the only way to do this. I thought to myself that I would go via CSA for maintenance, but the thing is I know this is going to make him angry and he will come after me and probably find me. Knowing him, hes going to drag me around the courts and do what he can to cause me as much stress, financial hurt as possible...because he actually likes it! Hes also had great success following this method recently.
So I looked into not claiming CSA, well, bubs and I get next to no help. Just my child allowance. That means I may well have to move to somewhere cheaper again and its going to be a real struggle. I just can't face him subjecting me and baby to all that trauma. So although, its wrong that he gets off scot free when he planned this baby and is not man enough to say he changed his mind, and stand by his initial obligations, I am so afraid of him that I just can't face setting him off. My gut instinct is to keep as far away from him as possible. I feel totally alone and vulnerable. I feel he could so easily make contact now and say how sorry he is and how he wants to build a life with me and bubs. Like he has a million times before and I would again believe him because I am such a twit! Basically because its what I hope for...but I know they are dreams. I am just not strong enough to stand my ground. The money that he could help us with, would make such a difference. But its probably best just to leave it to him to decide what he wants and see what happens. What do you think? I have left my email address open as a way for him to make contact if he wishes. Its all so confusing..and I sit here and cry all the time wondering why I am doing this alone. But I don't regret bubs for a milli second!

 

[lou_w34]

Well ill start with you ARE strong enough!!!

Im not sure what to suggest really, You say if you dont get CSA youll get next to no help, does that mean you work?? Because if you dont, you should be getting income support, and HB. Which should be a help.

Im also kinda stuggling to decide about whether or not to bother with the CSA, but for different reasons.

I do think though that if you do go down the CSA route, that doesnt mean he will automatically be able to find you, as i dont think they will tell him any of your contact details. Dont quote me on that though!!

I hope someone else can give you better advice than me and try not too worry too much easier said than doen i know!

 

[Welshcob]

Well ill start with you ARE strong enough!!!

Im not sure what to suggest really, You say if you dont get CSA youll get next to no help, does that mean you work?? Because if you dont, you should be getting income support, and HB. Which should be a help.

Im also kinda stuggling to decide about whether or not to bother with the CSA, but for different reasons.

I do think though that if you do go down the CSA route, that doesnt mean he will automatically be able to find you, as i dont think they will tell him any of your contact details. Dont quote me on that though!!

I hope someone else can give you better advice than me and try not too worry too much easier said than doen i know!

Huge hug to you. You are right I work, and it seems that with this in mind I get next to nothing in the way of help even though I have no family around me to support or help me. I fear that as soon as CSA make contact hes going to go off on one and seriously will hunt me down and drag me about the courts - because hes angry. Thats how he has worked in the past. I really appreciate your strength and flower. Your baby is due about the same time as mine! Huge hug to you too

 

[lou_w34]

He cant take you to court because he's angry hun, he will need a reason! And it wont be good enough that your asking him for CSA, as the courts will be looking at him to contribute in some way anyways, so in the eyes of the law, he will be fighting a loosing battle. The only way he can fight paying CSA is to deny the baby is his, and even if he does do that, its only a matter of time before its proven the baby is his.

Its very unfair that because you work, and are a single parent you get almost no help, I think there should be something there to help you out. Dont forget you will get child benifit though, So that should help a little.

As for your ex, i would keep a diary of everytime he contacts you, if you are that afraid of him and choose to go the CSA route, you may be able to get a injunction out against him, which if he breaks means prison.

Ahhhh i know! Christmas babies!!!!!

 

[purpledahlia]

remember aswell you will get 80% of your childcare costs paid for you, And the CSA cannot give him your details.. not even bank details, they will sort it all and he cant demand any info from them. dont worry he wont be able to find you! let him sweat!

 

[Welshcob]

I kind of know what hes likely to do. What I think he will do is that he will then - just take me to court for access. Rather than just ask me like a regular human being. I then have to either stand there without defense as I can't afford to waste money on a solicitor. Or I have to pay. I am not entitled to legal aid not yet. Then I know what he will do next ...he will say "oh babys got a bruise" even if its a lie, and intimate that I am unfit. I just can't stand the trauma of him doing these things to me. It was bad enough that he took me to court and lied his head off saying that I had been abusing him, even though I was the one at Womens Aid and he was the one at the perpetrator program. The worst I did was slap him and call him an evil B. I just feel he was going somewhere with that attempt at court. He essentially wanted an injunction against me although I had not contacted him in three weeks and that the attempts I had made were because I had no clue what was going on. He just stopped contacting me.
The law is so unjust. Not only did he get his agreement - not an injunction, but of course I agreed not to contact him. But he is not and never has been afraid of me or anyone. Yet there is me...afraid hes going to show up and I have had to move. The courts are sick...I mean, is that the action of an abusive person. OK, they agreed to ignore his accusations, but the result is I have had to flee for fear of him and he is swanning around without his being "bothered" by the mother of his baby -so he can act as mr casanova.

 

[Welshcob]

Do you think - that if he pays no maintenance and then decides he wants contact, that the courts will look at it, that he has failed in his role as a father? Or?? in other words, would it go in our favour that hes shut us out ( even though he will say hes done it because he is afraid of me) and failed to make any attempts to contact me re the child

 

[purpledahlia]

I think you should get a court order on him that hes not allowed near you. Hes abusive physically and mentally, if hes not allowed near you, he doesnt know where you are, and the csa take money from his pay directly, what can he do? with NO details of you? I would go to the police and tell them how worried you are for yours and babys safety. They should help. i would also get a cctv camera at your front door and if he turns up u would have a document of it.

 

[lou_w34]

I think... possibly, that it may work in your favour to not have him paying for CSA. If he did take you to court, the court will wonder why he hasnt been paying, as its not as if he didnt no he was going to have a child, it will be up to him to contribute. Then again, i did law at uni, and sometimes you just want to scream about how unfair the law system is. It really does stink.

I do still highly reccomend that you write a diary, and include EVERYTHING in it, every little bit of proof or evidence you have against him, put it in there, if you can get statements from others aswell, get them to do it. And also include all the contact you made, and contact he made (past and present) and what happened about it. It will work in your favour if you have a clear statement of facts, rather than a few jumbled accounts of what happened.

I know you said you cant afford a solicitor, but some (and probably very few at that) offer the first 30 minutes for free, so you may be able to get their perspective about what would happen. Just have a call round and see what happens, also ask about prices, just incase!

I dont no how much contact you have now, but if i was as scared as you, i would cut all contact, not even bother to tell him when bubs is here, and then if he makes contact, i would take it from there. And like PD says, i would consider getting an injunction out, the sooner the better!

 

[purpledahlia]

diary is a v good idea too,

 

[Welshcob]

Purp and Lou
Thanks so much for your feedback. I am keeping a diary at the moment infact, to track my whereabouts mainly - in case he makes allegations about where I and what I was doing. I at least have records of that. Obviously I am out of touch with him now, so nothing to document about him at the moment. But do you think I should be noting down the things he has done in the past? I do have some specific dates, but there was so much abuse at times that it would be near impossible to document it all. At worst, his outburts would be ever two days. My gut instinct is to just keep away from him. I don't want to provoke him and make him angry. When he gets angry thats when he loses all grip on what is reasonable and any means to attack me is OK. He never gets to a point of it being enough...its like the power and control goes to his head and he just can't stop himself from continuing. I mean, logically his behaviour over this baby makes no sense at all and has totally been un necessary at the very least.
Maybe if I have to move back to my old haunts in the future, and he turns up I could do the injunction? But right now, I just don't feel strong enough to do this and by doing anything now, it would expose where I am living (and hiding from him).
I bet you all laugh at this...at least I hope you do...does what I write sound like an abusive woman who he thinks has abused him for four and a half years? I will do all I can to stay away from him. Lets hope to God he leaves us alone.

 

[purpledahlia]

I hope he leaves you alone too,. you can always once the baby is here speak to an advisor at CSA and explain the situation, see what their policy is and im sure it will be keeping all your information private.

 

[lou_w34]

Hopefully he will leave you alone from now on, But im pretty sure he would never be able to get your details from the CSA, but like PD says, if it will reassure you go and speak to someone who works for them and explain everything to them.

And i would write down everything he has done in the past, if there really is that much of it, just write down the worse occasions first, and then when youve done them, do the smaller ones, do it bit by bit. It will be worth doing, even if it comes to nothing, it will be better to be prepared in the long run

 

[Welshcob]

Hugs to both of you!!! xxxxx