This is petty but no one else to turn to

[Wishfull]

Hi ladies please bare with me this is going to make me sound like im mad and full of hate and like a horrible person im not really its just this is slowly eating away at me an im keeping too much bottled up for far too long.

Iv not been in forum for some time. I came in here in oct when i lost my little one and this forum honest to god helped me through a very very hard time. Though i feel again this is the only place i can let things out and not be told to " get over it"

So here i go with my terrible rant.

My partners cousin's wife, if that make's sence was due her baby yesterday. My partner has a large family and are all very close. She was due yest and this will be her second child in 18months. Im really happy for them. But the thought thats eating at me. Is that i dont feel i can even look at this child. I can already imagine this baby will be every where i turn and the lump in my throat knowing my baby should have been here soon too is just heart breaking. I keep running to the loo to cry so no-one notices. I know this is there happy time. This will make me sound selfish but i just want someone to say something, anything to me like " you going to be ok when the babys here" anything. But no. My partner and his family have brushed it under the carpet. After all she is having her baby and i dont have mine anymore. God i cant believe im saying these things. But no-one has mentioned anything about the miscarriage or the baby.Or even talk about planning to do anything on my babys EDD. I want to scream at the top of lungs just to see if anyone would notice. In the past few weeks iv been crying everyday. The lump in my throat when im sitting watching telly with them or sitting at dinner is a common thing for me now. My partner who i should be closest too and who should comfort me. Just says when he does catch me crying. In a not so caring voice is " what the hell's wrong with you now"

I just feel so utterly alone with this. I feel like im in a nightmare all on my own. With no-one to wake my up. Or in a battle in my own skin.

Ok iv just had a rant and a cry i feel a bit better now. But still, i know i will have this battle again tomorrow.

Thanks for reading. It does wonders to let it out.

 

[krockwell]

Hun, I'm sooo very sorry. I feel your pain, and have the same sort of situation going on... my SIL is pregnant, and is due 5 weeks after we were supposed to be due..
*sigh*
SO Wish I could be there to give you a big hug, and let you know that your baby matters.
Stay strong.
I'm here if you need a chat.

 

[haaza123]

Hey its not petty how your feeling, its normal. Thats how i felt and even now feel like this.

We're here to talk but it might be helpful if you talk to your partner and make him understand how you feel. It might help.
xxx

 

[ellie]

it's not petty, you are not mad or hateful or anything like that ... you are human, you are grieving, and you feel not understood ... it's an awful situation
similar things happened with me and my oh for months after my mc - i think men just deal with it differently ... and since it's happened not a single person (well one or two friends maybe, but not a single family member) has mentioned it at all, so i've just been dealing with it myself.
it's taken a while, but i do feel much more positive about babies, pregnant women, etc etc .... i still get the pangs, like a stab in the heart, but its got easier to deal with.
however, a friend was exactly the same time as me and had her baby on the day mine would have been due ... i still haven't managed to feel strong enough to see them, and i feel bad about that too.
sorry, long ramble, but just to say i know how you are feeling ... i am so sorry you are having to deal with it on your own. pm me if you want to rant any more

 

[LeaArr]

You aren't being petty at all. My SIL is due 2 weeks to the day after my due date. I can't even talk to her right now. It's all part of loss and grieving. I am so sorry you feel so alone.

 

[Shelby2007]

Oh my goodness!!! You arent petty at all.. someone should ask you.. me and dh have already made plans to do something on our edd of 9.9.09 :crys:

 

[Mynxie]

I understand what you mean and I was exactly the same with all of my pregnancies - 3 pregnncies, 3 MCs and every time at least 1 person in my family had a baby around my due date. TBH I was ok once I'd seen the babies, that hurt of not knowing if yo'ope, that feeling that isn't jealousy but longing etc, it becomes bareabe. I hope you'll be the same Thinking of you xx

 

[Belle30]

I completely understand what you mean, and don't think you're horrible at all. I have just m/c my first - it was a very early m/c and my heart breaks for people who have had to suffer this awful thing later in pregnancy.

I don't get on with my oh's family and am constantly paranoid that someone on that side is going to get pregnant before me. It hasn't even happened but I'm already so scared how sick and terrible i'll feel if it does. It makes me feel like a horrible person but having read on here how many people go through these feelings, I think it's completely normal and understandable. You'd have to be a saint not to feel angry and upset.

I texted my friend when my m/c started to ask her if she ever had one before having her son - she said no but I should keep trying because 'miscarriages happen for a reason' (ugh how many times have we heard that phrase, like it helps...!!) - and then the next day she texted me to say she was pregnant with twins due in July, and how exciting it was! I felt sick and cried - deep down i am happy for her because she is a nice person, but i can't help feeling it's not fair that she can have two perfectly healthy pregnancies and not have experienced what so many of us have.

I agree with Mynxie that it isn't nasty jealousy, it may be a form of envy, but really it's just the effect of overwhelming longing which proves how much you really want this. I just keep trying to channel all these emotions into loving my dh and preparing to love our baby when s/he finally decides it's the time to come. Sounds corny but it's kind of working, I think...

you're not alone and we do understand what you're feeling and don't think badly of you at all - so you shouldn't be hard on yourself either.

 

[AS1]

This is not petty and you are not a horrible person!! What you feel is totally normal.

I just had my second mc a month ago and have been through something similar, someone very close to me announced they were pregnant last week I couldn't get it out of my head and as soon as I was alone the tears started - then I felt guily as I should have been happy for them, I am but its just everything is still very raw with me. On my first day back at work after my d&c my work colleague announed she was pregnant and EDD was the same as mine would have been (she didn't know about my mc as after my experience the first time we told no-one) I thought I deserved an oscar for my reaction and the happiness I showed but I really wanted to burst into tears!! I also think some people who have been lucky to have problem free successful pregnancies just take this for granted.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling like this and you will probably find many women on here have or do feel similar.......
Hope you start to feel better soon and your partner offers you a bit more support.

 

[plumplump]

Aww chick you are not a nasty horrible person at all, what you are feeling is nothing but normal - it happens to me everyother day to people I amn't close to as well as people that I am close to - I really want to rip there throats out for having a baby and I don't.
Try and stay strong hunny you will get stronger and if you ever need to chat.........
take care missy and remember what you are going through is 100% normal.
*hugs*