This Is What I Expect When & B4 LO is here

[Linz88]

wel i had been with my ex for 11 months and i fell november && found out in december.. i also found out he had been cheating for 8/9 months and the other girl is also pregnant and due 3 weeks after me.
we was having a conversation and i told him this is what i expect from him.. is this too much?

before the pregnancy
attend ALL scans
buy 1 of l.o's Big items i,e (cot, pushchair etc)

After the pregnancy
pay child support
visit l.o t my home atleast once a week

do you think this is askin for alot cause i dont? and what do you thinks appropriate

 

[suzanne108]

I don't think thats asking for a lot!

Do you want him at the scans though? I didnt want FOB there. I took someone a bit more supportive (sister and mum). Just a thought that maybe you would like someone there that isn't a tosspot

xx

 

[xJG30]

It's easy to say you want this, but it's not always the case.

Good luck getting him to do it though.

 

[MissE007]

I don't think its asking a lot seeing as he's the father of the baby (dnt think he needs to go to every scan tho, as long as he knows the details) but I'm not sure you should discuss things in too much detail until nearer the end of the pregnancy.

I dunno, I feel as though sometimes if you put too much pressure on them early on they can get overwhelmed and it makes them backoff. Maybe just give him a rough idea of your needs financially etc and then make it more clear nearer to the time baby arrives.

 

[frouphea]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

 

[suzanne108]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

I disagree with that. I think maintenance should be used to put towards nappies, milk, baby food, bum cream, wipes etc.

I think he should buy or put money towards a big item unless he is buying his own cot, pram etc. X

 

[Janidog]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

I also don't agree with this statement - maintainence is never going to cover the cost of a pram etc....... and should be used for the smaller items.

Can you not take your sister, mum or friend with you to the scans?

 

[Linz88]

I don't think its asking a lot seeing as he's the father of the baby (dnt think he needs to go to every scan tho, as long as he knows the details) but I'm not sure you should discuss things in too much detail until nearer the end of the pregnancy.

I dunno, I feel as though sometimes if you put too much pressure on them early on they can get overwhelmed and it makes them backoff. Maybe just give him a rough idea of your needs financially etc and then make it more clear nearer to the time baby arrives.

i dont think askin him to come to 2 scans is alot.. cause were i live you only get one at 12 weeks and 20 weeks.. and he didnt come to the 12 week one.but he expects a picture which costs money

 

[Linz88]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

i didnt make this baby alone so i dont see why the maintenance should cover a big item.. everything should be 50/50.. when it comes to financial responsibility

 

[Alisha1985]

I dont think your asking a lot of him at all really x

 

[frouphea]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

i didnt make this baby alone so i dont see why the maintenance should cover a big item.. everything should be 50/50.. when it comes to financial responsibility

If you want the costs to be 50/50, everything else should be 50/50, including custody.

 

[Linz88]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

I also don't agree with this statement - maintainence is never going to cover the cost of a pram etc....... and should be used for the smaller items.

Can you not take your sister, mum or friend with you to the scans?

ii dont agree with that at all either. maintenace is like £20 a week.thats what he should be paying anyway..and thats dependin whether he doesnt meas about.. im going to be buyin EVERYTHING.. all i want from him is 1 big item bought for lo as its going to be hard for me..

and ye i could take my mom or friend but when i asked my mom about her pregnancy and she told me my dad didnt even come to the scans it kind of hurt me and i dont want my child to feel like her/his father didnt care enough to come..if s/he ever asks xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Linz88]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

i didnt make this baby alone so i dont see why the maintenance should cover a big item.. everything should be 50/50.. when it comes to financial responsibility

If you want the costs to be 50/50, everything else should be 50/50, including custody.

why would i split custody 50/50 dont you think thats unfair.. being with me 3.5 days and then being with him for 3.5 days.. he works night 7pm-7am and sleeps thru the day..so it wouldnt reli be possible.. he is welcome to come to my home 24:7 if he wishes.. but i wont allow him to take my child out straight away because he's not allowed to take his 1st child out for reasons i dont no .

 

[Janidog]

If he wants to go to the scan then bring him along, theres no harm in him being there

And hope he buys at least one big item seen as you have to buy the rest, its only fair

 

[Jetters]

Wow the reactions on this thread is a bit harsh... we don't know your situation or your relationship with your FOB.

I don't think you're asking for a lot, BUT bear in mind if he doesn't want to or can't, there's no making him, you know?? I made a thread a while back called money vs contact because my FOB wouldn't pay, but I still wanted him to see babba. It's a moral dilemma that only you can make!!

As it happens, i'm a few weeks ahead of you, and FOB and I have come to this agreement.. bear in mind though that our relationship didn't end well (I broke up with him and discovered I was preggers two weeks later!). He is paying me a set monthly amount, all through pregnancy and when baby is here. I didn't invite him to any scans because I was so upset, but now we're getting along better i've agreed he can come to my gender scan. He's buying a few big things and i'm buying the rest, and he'll be visiting LO once or twice a week at my home.

 

[sweetlullaby]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

i didnt make this baby alone so i dont see why the maintenance should cover a big item.. everything should be 50/50.. when it comes to financial responsibility

If you want the costs to be 50/50, everything else should be 50/50, including custody.

So does that mean that if the financial costs are 100/ 0 then custody and access should be 100/0 as well then?

Sorry but a comment like that is harsh and unfair on someone who is pregnant horomones all over the place and probably feels bad enough as it is having to deal with the fact she's going to be a single parent.

Also would like to know how maintance should be used to buy big items like a cot or pram (which could take months after her LO is born to get sorted even then it wont necessarily be backdated) when she preferably needs the big items for when her LO is born.

 

[suzanne108]

I wouldn't ask him to buy anything for LO, you should use the maintainence for that.

i didnt make this baby alone so i dont see why the maintenance should cover a big item.. everything should be 50/50.. when it comes to financial responsibility

If you want the costs to be 50/50, everything else should be 50/50, including custody.

Sorry frouphea I don't agree with this either. I do think that if costs are 50/50 then parental rights should be 50/50 i.e. he should be on the BC.

But 50/50 custody definitely wouldn't be fair on a baby, especially a newborn!

I don't think Linz88 expects 50/50 financial respinsibility just for him to buy a cot or something similar. Thats really not a lot to ask of a dad to do for his child!!

 

[Jetters]

I completely agree, frouphrea I find that a baffling statement!! Firstly how many of our FOBs would actually WANT the baby by himself for 50% of the time?! And what about breastfeeding?!

Two people make a baby- if their in a relationship then money is 50/50 and custody is 50/50. Just cos the relationship doesn't work out that doesn't mean the man shouldn't pay!

 

[MissE007]

Wow the reactions on this thread is a bit harsh... we don't know your situation or your relationship with your FOB.

I don't think you're asking for a lot, BUT bear in mind if he doesn't want to or can't, there's no making him, you know?? I made a thread a while back called money vs contact because my FOB wouldn't pay, but I still wanted him to see babba. It's a moral dilemma that only you can make!!

As it happens, i'm a few weeks ahead of you, and FOB and I have come to this agreement.. bear in mind though that our relationship didn't end well (I broke up with him and discovered I was preggers two weeks later!). He is paying me a set monthly amount, all through pregnancy and when baby is here. I didn't invite him to any scans because I was so upset, but now we're getting along better i've agreed he can come to my gender scan. He's buying a few big things and i'm buying the rest, and he'll be visiting LO once or twice a week at my home.

I don't really think anyone's being harsh in that sense. There's always going to be disagreement on these kinds of subjects because of all the single mothers on this board everyone's background and circumstances are different and that will really change how people view their own and others situations. What some people think is acceptable others will not and vice-versa.

 

[Linz88]

people just enjoy causing conflict..
your obviously blessed with being financially stable in a loving relationship cause i cant imagine you even comin with that pathetic response if you really understood how hard things are going to be!!!!!!!