This should be a happy time....

[Croc-O-Dile]

Keep in mind I can not give the full details of what's happened for legal reasons. And while I respect everyone's opinions, I would prefer you keep any "you're a bad mom for doing this" comments to yourself as I get this enough already.

But I'm absolutely dreading it. The closer my due date gets, the more depressed I get.
This shit with FOB is getting out of hand and unfortunately the choice of pressing charges has been taken out of my hands in light of new findings. My therapist said the best thing for me to do is to try and get this all out of the way before I give birth, otherwise he will have rights to her and I won't be able to do a damn thing about it until the case is settled.
Every day I feel more and more used by him and just can't shake the feeling that it's my fault.
I've been advised to join a sexual abuse support group, but I would feel like a fraud. I didn't join one when I was actually abused, so why should I be able to join one for this? He didn't force me to have sex with him. He just lied about every aspect of his life including his age. He knew I wouldn't have given him a second glance if I knew how old he was to start with. So the only thing he's really guilty of is being a damn good liar.
And what the hell is wrong with me that I didn't leave after I found out he'd lied? It disgusted me to no end to think that I'd slept with someone who graduated high school while I was still playing with dolls and having my mom dress me. But I pushed that out of my head for god knows what reason and continued to see him. So I'm just as guilty as he is, right? Well the court doesn't see it that way. Everyone keeps throwing around the word "victim" like it's really that simple. I feel like a victim, but I feel like a guilty victim. I feel like what he did was wrong and it hurts to know that there are girls younger than me who have been involved with him. But I feel like it's my fault because I let it continue to go on. And then I feel worse because I think of my daughter and how this will affect her. What am I supposed to tell her? I don't want her to know how bad her father is. I don't want her to think it's my fault he can't see her, even though it kind of is. I don't want her to think she's a mistake or she's the reason he's in jail. There's just so many reasons that I didn't want to take this to court. But it's not really up to me at this point. I have every professional and family member telling me it's the right thing and this is what needs to be done to insure we're safe from him. But then I have women telling me that I'm a horrible mother for doing this to him and that it's my fault for getting involved with him in the first place and how my daughter will have a horrible life because of this. Thanks a lot, as if I didn't already feel horrible.

I have 4 weeks left until I'm due and something needs to be done before then. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now and no matter what I do I'll end up being crushed in the end.

 

[Lissa3120]

As long as you are honest with your daughter, and you do the very best you can, and act in how YOU feel is her best interest, what does everyone else's opinion matter. Tell her this isn't what you wanted, but it was whats best for both you and her, then one day she will understand. But no body can ever tell you your a bad mother, unless they're your children as they are truly the only ones qualified to judge your parenting skills. Your daughter is very lucky to have you, as you obviously care a lot about her. Just concentrate on getting her here safely, anyone who expects you to do more than that obviously don't appreciate the situation you are in, as not only an expectant mother but as a teenager. it's really hard! dealing with normal teenage emotions plus pregnancy and maternal emotions. Your doing a fantastic job already, and it will get harder but you'll also do better. I'm sorry your going through this, but just think of your baby girl and tell yourself it's all for her. She'll understand, but maybe not until she's old enough or experienced enough to. Good luck with everything!

 

[LittleMadam]

I agree with Lissa. Be upfront with your daughter when she is ready for the news. I am not sure how you feel towards FOB but, and unless he is really bad, try not to badmouth him to her. After all, she may want a relationship with her father (if possible) much later on.
As for you being a victim, if you feel you need help, seek it out. However, if you do not, don't let others treat you as if you do. Sorry if confusing but I think sometimes we become victims because we are told we should be. You sound quite strong, btw.

 

[Ju_bubbs]

I dont really have any advise towards your situation, I just wanted to say that from reading your post you dont seem like a bad mum at all! Dont listen to anyone who tells you taht you are!

 

[Croc-O-Dile]

I agree with Lissa. Be upfront with your daughter when she is ready for the news. I am not sure how you feel towards FOB but, and unless he is really bad, try not to badmouth him to her. After all, she may want a relationship with her father (if possible) much later on.
As for you being a victim, if you feel you need help, seek it out. However, if you do not, don't let others treat you as if you do. Sorry if confusing but I think sometimes we become victims because we are told we should be. You sound quite strong, btw.

No, I understand what you're saying completely. Even though he's this and he's that, she doesn't need to hear it. It's not her fault that he is the way he is and I would never want her to feel like it was. Or for her to feel like she couldn't be open with me about her feeling toward him later on. There's no reason she should be stuck in the middle of this, kwim?
It'll be hard for me to keep my opinions to myself because when I think about him I want to scream, but nobody ever said being a parent was easy, especially a single parent. And when it comes down to it, it's not about me, it's about her.

 

[EmyDra]

Big hugs

It sounds a mad situation, nothing is ever easy is it?

Just keep pushing for what you believe is right, a guilty victim is still a victim - and you owe it to your daughter to try and get things in order and do what you can for her.

I don't understand why a man would lie about his age, that alludes me. My ex was 14 years my senior and we started seeing each other shortly after I'd turned 18. It always bothered him more than it bothered me!

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but your going to come out the other side with a beautiful daughter and a lot of love in your heart. x

 

[MissEfendi]

Part of being a good mum is feeling guilty that your child will not have a father.
Part of being a good person is feeling guilty about taking action against something that is wrong, even at the cost of other things.
That is life. If you are not a hard person, everything is going to effect you mentally and emotionally even if you know in your hearts of heart that it is the right thing.
It is called being sensitive, wanting the best, having a conscience and so on.

Put the shoe on the other foot...if it were YOUR daughter in your situation...what would you think? If it was YOUR mum in your situation, what would you think?

The world is full of imperfect situations, all we can do is be honest about it thus ensuring damage limitation and to make our child feel so loved by us that they do not feel they are missing out by not having a father.
I never missed my dad because I loved my mum so much.
I hope my son will feel the same way about me.

I am sorry for your hurt, being pregnant everything is more heightened and will continue to be that way for a good while yet, but you know something? when your baby comes, all you will think about after the sadness has passed about her lack of father, is how much you love her and how you will make sure she knows that.

I look at my son every single day and I shower him in love, the smiles, hugs, and everything he does let's me know that despite all the bad things going on in the world and our imperfect situation, we will be ok.

You will both be ok xx