Thoughts of hurting my daughter

[Em_S]

Hi all
Not sure if I have posted in the right section but my daughter is 9 months old and has been a terrible sleeper from day one. She is still up every 1-2 hours all night long. When she refuses to sleep and fights it I get so frustrated and think to myself I'm going to kill you and want to hurt her to stop her from fighting and to just go to sleep!! I sometimes think about grabbing her wrist etc n just squeezing her to stop her moving and scratching me. Obviously I would never hurt her and it is just just pure frustration but is this normal to have these thoughts sometimes? Is it depression? Otherwise when she's not fighting her sleep she is a happy girl and Iam fine in myself.

Thanks ladies X

 

[mbrew180]

First, I would like to say how proud I am you came here for help! I am not a mother but I am an OB nurse and have friends who have dealt w/ Postpartum Blues and Depression.
I would definitely talk to my OB. It is so very common to get these feelings of frustration, especially being sleep deprived. But, these are definitely signs of PPD and can in some situations lead to emotional issues so just having someone to talk to in real life will definitely help.
You're still a good mom, evidenced by you coming here to vent.

 

[minties]

I had these thoughts about my daughter and it turned out I had post natal depression. You aren't alone.

 

[_Meep_]

In the past, when my daughter was much smaller, I had moments where I seriously felt like I was just an inch away from grabbing her and shaking her.

Thank God I never, ever did it. But I felt like I could, and that was terrifying.

Thing is though, anyone can hurt a baby - ANYONE. They're annoying, thankless, selfish and all sorts of other difficult things. No, they don't mean to be and they can't help it of course, but it doesn't take away the fact that parenting can be incredibly ungratifying at times, not to mention frustrating, tiring and anxiety-inducing ... put that all together and you've got a cocktail for disaster that can blow up in your face at any second.

It's good that you can identify these thoughts, and also that they disturb you, if that makes sense. It might not be for you, but I found it helped to say everything I was feeling to my daughter in a pleasant, calm voice, e.g. 'You are being a maddening little turd right now, and I would quite like to kill you, but I'm not going to because I love you, even when you're behaving like an arse hole ...' - she won't understand.

Also, remember there is nothing wrong with just walking out on her (as long as she's safe) to catch a break from the hell and compose yourself.

I'd challenge any mother to deny that she hasn't had to do this, or had a moment where she felt like she was about to throw her kid out of the window. I don't think it necessarily has to be PPD - just extreme frustration, though if deep down you feel it is more, then ask for help. If you're feeling really awful/angry/short-tempered with her all the time, then that might well be something to address.

My daughter is almost two now and while parenting still has its difficult points, it is so much more rewarding now than it was when she was a younger baby. And I've never so much as smacked her on the bottom, so somehow I got through it.

 

[Larkspur]

I think it's really normal and not necessarily a sign of PPD (though it also could be). But yes, many, many women have these thoughts.

My daughter was and still is a real bedtime fighter. I used to feel just the same as you (my OH does her bedtime now, and he definitely feels the frustration too).

One thing I found is that my frustration (or ability to be patient) is closely linked to what is going on with me at the time. If I was hungry or cold, or knew I still needed to cook dinner after getting DD down, or wasn't able to catch up on sleep missed at night by sleeping in or taking a nap during the day, my wick was much, much shorter.

Finding ways to solve those problems in advance was what helped me most.

I would always make sure I had a snack, drink and trip to the bathroom before embarking on the bedtime battle, I started prepping dinner well before bedtime, I organised for my OH to get up with the kids in the morning so I could have a little sleep, and I also ended up co-sleeping with DD for quite a long time.

I also chose some projects that I could spend time thinking about while sitting in the dark waiting for her to settle (like short stories to write) and learned how to do simple meditations. I found that if I got my mind distracted with something that made me feel peaceful, my breathing and heartbeat would slow down, DD would be calmer, and she would actually go off to sleep a lot faster than if I was sitting there fretting and feeling frustrated. I also used to use the mantra, "She's not giving me a hard time, she's HAVING a hard time."

It is so tough, but you will get through it. 8-10 months is a particularly evil time for sleep in my experience.

 

[staralfur]

Oh yeah, I had an absolutely awful sleeper and I think these are very normal thoughts for sleep deprived parents who feel that things are just so out of their control and overwhelming. I had lots of less than pleasant thoughts during those long nights and like a PP mentioned, if you have to, just walk away. I don't like CIO as a sleep training method but I felt myself on the absolute verge of complete frustration a few times and knew I need to remove myself from the situation and just let her cry in her crib for a few minutes until I could calm down. Realistically I know I never would have hurt my LO but when you reach the point when you're that exhausted/frustrated it's so easy to think it and that in itself can feel kind of devastating.

I never had PPD, it was just a result of an exceptionally bad sleeper and high needs baby that wore me down to my core every single day. But if you feel that talking to a doctor/ruling out (or diagnosing) PPD would be helpful for you then there's no shame in doing that.

I hope your LO gives you a break and you're feeling better soon.

 

[Diannam]

Failed naps and sleep fighting get me quite angry with my baby. I did choose cry it out. It was hard for the both of us, but I kept my sanity and I no longer wanted to scream in his face and the thoughts of harming him disappeared. He is down to only one night waking (I still go and tend to his needs) and settles with only a couple of noises. I know CIO is not for everyone. Just wanted to share my experience.

I'd like to add thank you for this post. I was feeling a bit alone in my feelings and all the replies here I find comforting.

 

[noon_child]

I think it's really normal and not necessarily a sign of PPD (though it also could be). But yes, many, many women have these thoughts.

My daughter was and still is a real bedtime fighter. I used to feel just the same as you (my OH does her bedtime now, and he definitely feels the frustration too).

One thing I found is that my frustration (or ability to be patient) is closely linked to what is going on with me at the time. If I was hungry or cold, or knew I still needed to cook dinner after getting DD down, or wasn't able to catch up on sleep missed at night by sleeping in or taking a nap during the day, my wick was much, much shorter.

Finding ways to solve those problems in advance was what helped me most.

I would always make sure I had a snack, drink and trip to the bathroom before embarking on the bedtime battle, I started prepping dinner well before bedtime, I organised for my OH to get up with the kids in the morning so I could have a little sleep, and I also ended up co-sleeping with DD for quite a long time.

I also chose some projects that I could spend time thinking about while sitting in the dark waiting for her to settle (like short stories to write) and learned how to do simple meditations. I found that if I got my mind distracted with something that made me feel peaceful, my breathing and heartbeat would slow down, DD would be calmer, and she would actually go off to sleep a lot faster than if I was sitting there fretting and feeling frustrated. I also used to use the mantra, "She's not giving me a hard time, she's HAVING a hard time."

It is so tough, but you will get through it. 8-10 months is a particularly evil time for sleep in my experience.

All of the above, but definitely the stuff in bold. Even now when I hear myself snapping at my little girl or feel in a mood I ask myself "When did you last have a drink/some food/fresh air/a decent conversation". No sleep is so horrendous though it permeates through everything you do.

I also used to think of projects: redesigning the house/garden etc.

 

[PocoHR]

This is very brave of you to admit. I don't so much have thoughts of hurting him as much as I want to restrain him so he'll stop wriggling and just settle down to sleep in my arms. When I start to feel like that though I just put him in his crib and walk out and let him cry. I let myself swear and get some feelings out too. I try to watch my tone because I don't want him to know how frustrated I am, but its fu***** hard sometimes. Get checked for PPD if you think that is going on, it doesn't hurt to check. But, you might just be tired. I find I feel much better after a few nights of decent sleep.

One thing I do for myself sometimes is set up my laptop and put something on netflix with subtitles and no sound while I rock him to sleep. It helps me, it makes me feel like I'm doing something for myself. He is facing me, so he's not watching it and there is no sound so it doesn't bother him, but I have a small distraction. Do whatever you need to do for yourself to feel better during this. You are a person too

 

[DannaD]

I also think it can be normal and not a sign of PPD. Babies are incredibly annoying at times...
Weird example, but I think to myself almost daily that I want to throw my silly cat out the window, but I love her and would never hurt her and it's obviously not PPD as it's just a cat... annoying, needy, cuddly cat.

I think you could still talk about it to your OB, but with a baby of that age waking so often at night? I think it's normal to get frustrated. I hope you find a way to make sleep training work.

 

[Zeri]

I think the extreme frustration is normal. I've had thoughts like "Shut the f**k up"!" In my head, towards my daughter when she wouldn't sleep, and I was sleep deprived. I think thoughts of "killing" are a bit strong, though. I know it may just be a thought, but still....that can be a sign of PPD. I would talk to a doctor/counsellor to rule out PPD.

 

[tiffanyvd87]

Good on you for opening up about your thoughts and feelings. I too had a terrible sleeper which ended up in me co-sleeping with her for years. With my second child I told myself I wasn't going to co-sleep, we would figure out another way for her to stay asleep. What worked for me is at bedtime, I would give formula instead of breastmilk as it thicker, this kept her asleep longer. I also tried a bit of pablum before the bedtime bottle. If she had a full stomach and wasn't gassy, she slept like a baby.

 

[Marumi]

This is a classical symptom of postpartum OCD. There are different types and one of them is hurting the child. I had some form of pp OCD in which I was extremely paranoid about something happening to my son. It went beyond normal fear and caution because I would suddenly space out and a little movie scene would play in my head of my son getting hurt in different ways. It felt so real I broke down in tears, felt faint, with my heart racing and it took me some time to realize I just spaced out and nothing had happened. I was paranoid of strangers grabbing him, I was too scared to cross bridges, I would not let anyone hold the baby on the balcony etc.

One way I moved passed this was sheer willpower. It was incredibly hard but I told myself it is nonsense, hormones and I crossed the bridge. Of course that only works if you are not totally losing it, but maybe you can try quickly dismiss these thoughts as nonsense. I would think of a funny movie scene or something random when I felt a worry come up. Eventually it worked and distracted me quickly enough to not be so affected emotionally.

What REALLY solved my problem was changing my diet and adjusting my hormones with supplements. I read a lot about foods that can intensify such problems...wheat, grains, sugar, added ingredients in supermarket foods.
Then I learned about the hormonal connection. I took supplements to basically detox from a postpartum hormonal mess and whatever was left basically disappeared over night.
Supplements: DIM, milk thistle, Vitex, burdock root.
They are immensely good for your overall health too.

This time around I don't have the problem. I used the supplements before pregnancy and during pregnancy I did not even notice I had hormones, no nausea, none of what I experienced with my first. I would use it again if I felt my hormones acting up. We are exposed to hormones in so many ways, the occasional detox is beneficial.