Three year old spoilt at MIL's, is it a problem?

[emyandpotato]

For the past few months LO has been going to MIL's house once or twice a week for the afternoon, and occasionally overnight. He loves going there and it's really no surprise as he's treated like absolute royalty. She completely spoils him. She will buy him a new toy every time, give him chocolate and treats, allow him something different if he doesn't want his food, allow him to watch whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and most importantly doesn't really discipline him. Not that he's ever really naughty, but if he throws something it's not a "we don't do that, please pick it up", it's just "oh dear!" like he's six months old. If he doesn't want to do something/eat something/go somewhere he doesn't have to. Tantrums are met with an immediate giving him what he wants.

I know lots of grandparents spoil their grandchildren so I don't make a big deal of it (when I have tried it falls on deaf ears anyway). But lately when he comes homes he's a changed kid. He's just, for want of a better word, a bit of a brat! He's challenges everything I say, says no to me, tantrums a lot more, spits at me, and generally isn't his usual well behaved self. Don't get me wrong he has tantrums and is a normal three year old but the way his is after going there is totally different.

Should I do something? I don't want this behaviour to continue, but don't know if I'm overreacting and he'll stop acting like this soon?

 

[seoj]

Personally- I do take issue with it. Only cause I've experienced it first hand with my bonus kid (long story). But, in the end, we sorted it out with no hurt feelings- it just took time and patients. With our child- as well as the culprits Who, played a big role in our kids life- so it wasn't an "occasional thing". It comes from a place of love... so it can be tricky to find that right balance for everyone, but possible.

Obviously you need to do what your comfy with- but if his behavior is changed due to lack of boundaries from a day or two with MIL... yeah, I'd have a good chat. Maybe just tell her that? In a way that doesn't place blame, but opens her eyes to what is truly happening. It's ok for grandparents to spoil- they should- but within reason and not at the expense of the parent/child dynamic.

Best of luck!

 

[hattiehippo]

It's tricky because it's important he has a strong relationship with his grandparents. It's also not a bad thing that he learns that there are different rules for different places. But it does sound like it's not just a little bit of spoiling but completely over the top.

If you are confident talking to her I'd ask that they don't just give him everything he wants and explain that his behaviour is really difficult when he comes home. If you don't want to talk to her then I would work on your son gradually understanding that you and his gran have very different expectations and just because he behaves like that at gran's, doesn't mean it's ok at home.

 

[kanga]

At 3, granny needs to get on board and be an advocate for your parenting. When he's older, like 7-8 onwards he will be able to understand that granny does things differently. Now, it's just confusing.

 

[emyandpotato]

Thanks! I don't feel comfortable about talking to her but I did mention it to my OH. He says I don't have the right to say anything because she's doing me a favour watching him, which she is half the time but a lot of the time she asks to see him. Anyway I said I'd see if his behaviour continues for a few weeks and if so then maybe he could mention that overall his behaviour isn't great so everyone needs to have stricter boundaries with him. I don't know if it will work though.

Hattiehippo do you think if I continue to enforce my rules at home and things stay the same at MIL's his behaviour will be good everywhere but MIL's? TBH I'm not overly bothered about him being spoilt when he's there but I don't want him to act that way all the time, especially not in school and things. Certain things like blatant rudeness and spitting just isn't okay and not the sort of thing I want him going to school doing.

 

[CandyDay]

If his behaviour is changing for the worse because of the things your MIL is allowing him to do and he is not behaving because of it. Then her watching him for you isn't doing you any favours. It's actually harming him and you as well. If she was only watching him once a month and spoiling him then it wouldn't be a problem. But because she is watching him sooo often it is affecting his behaviour. And as he gets older it will probably get worse for her as she will get walked all over.
I would talk to her about it or if you don't want to then maybe limit how often he is allowed to go there. If she asks why he isn't coming so often you can tell her why and ask her to do things differently and if she does then allow him to go to her more often again. And if she refuses, then limit his visits.

 

[hattiehippo]

Thanks! I don't feel comfortable about talking to her but I did mention it to my OH. He says I don't have the right to say anything because she's doing me a favour watching him, which she is half the time but a lot of the time she asks to see him. Anyway I said I'd see if his behaviour continues for a few weeks and if so then maybe he could mention that overall his behaviour isn't great so everyone needs to have stricter boundaries with him. I don't know if it will work though.

Hattiehippo do you think if I continue to enforce my rules at home and things stay the same at MIL's his behaviour will be good everywhere but MIL's? TBH I'm not overly bothered about him being spoilt when he's there but I don't want him to act that way all the time, especially not in school and things. Certain things like blatant rudeness and spitting just isn't okay and not the sort of thing I want him going to school doing.

I'm sure he would eventually understand this but obviously he's only 3 so it could take a long time before he remembers and can actually do it.

Once he starts school he will bring home new behaviour anyway so I wouldn't panic about that too much at the moment....my DS finds it really difficult some weekends to remember he needs to behave differently at home to how he does with his friends at school. But he does understand that he is expected to behave differently in different places and I am very clear to him what is ok and what isn't.

It might work if you said that you're concerned about how rude your DS is being and how he will cope when he starts school. You could ask your MIL if he's been spitting at her etc and ask her advice how to deal with it???? She might worried enough at the thought of her precious grandson getting into trouble at school??? It's really difficult

 

[kanga]

Sell it to her that you'd be so grateful if she helped you with. X,y,z that you're doing with your son at the moment. Example, no jumping on furniture. Sitting at table until finished eating. Etc. make her feel special and like she will be helping you out greatly if she would be so wonderful as to help you!

 

[Smille24]

I had the same problem with my MIL in the past. She would load my then 3 yr old up with sugar, let her stay up until midnight and basically do whatever she wanted. She would come home in such a horrible mood that I wanted to rip my hair out. She got a taste of her own medicine. One evening the in laws took her out to dinner with them and she was acting like a brat. She wasn't listening, wouldn't eat, was crying she wanted cake and crawling under the table. My MIL complained and said she doesn't know how we go out with her. I told her she doesn't act like that with us because we have rules and enforce them. I told her about it being very hard to deal with her when she comes home from their house and she needs to respect our rules as we are the parents. From then on she has cooperated. Sometimes she tests the limits but that's to be expected. I hope your MIL gets a wake up call soon!

 

[Rainbow82]

If his behaviour is so changed after a few hours with get then she is probably spoiling him too much but without your OH willing to be on board with talking to her you are in a bit if a difficult position. That said though he's still young as long as you are consistent he will start learning that you have higher expectations than your MIL and he can't behave like that at home. At school his teachers will set their own expectations too and he will learn to modify his behaviour to what's expected as long as it's consistent. I have a 7 year old BIL and he is forever playing up at home because he gets away with it but at school and with us he us great, tests boundaries occasionally but what kid doesn't lol. It's the same as at school the same class will behave completely differently in different lessons because of different expectations/consistency in behaviour management.

Keep being consistent at home and he will be fine although a bit further down the line your MIL may regret spoiling him so much.

Also Jangas suggestion above about asking her to help you with one thing at a time eg enforcing a rule if trying new foods etc may make her more willing to stick to done if your rules if she feels special and like she is helping.

 

[RachA]

My il's are the same. We told them about the fact that we weren't happy with x y and z and it fell on deaf ears.
We dealt with it by in stilling in them at our home what the rules were and what we expected in our house. Generally they have always been quite good at home.
What's happened us that because my il's have spoilt them then when they got there they tend to be a nightmare then once they are back home they need a gentle reminder on how to behave and they are fine.
Interestingly at my parents they are generally really good because my parents do discipline them.
It's got to the point where I really feel that my il's have created a rod for their own backs and it's up to them to deal with it.

Also take into account that your lo might just be acting up because he's got to that age too.

 

[HelenJane]

Hi, just wondering if you have any update since your first post ?

 

[emyandpotato]

Hi, just wondering if you have any update since your first post ?

Sorry!

Spoke to OH about it and he has mentioned things to MIL like not feeding him excess sugar/not giving him pizza every single time he eats there/not buying him every toy he asks for, but it has been ignored really, or they just buy him toys and they stay at their house. We have had a lot of issues with MIL & FIL and there is no way I am comfortable talking to them myself. In fact, when OH says anything that upsets them, even remotely, MIL insists I am forcing him to say it, even about things not related to me/LO in any way.

Asking MIL for advice on his behaviour doesn't work, as she claims he's a total angel who can literally do no wrong ever.

His behaviour with me is generally okay again though. After being told off the first few times he was very rude he hasn't done it much since, so that's good! He still doesn't seem to understand why I won't let him have every toy he wants when we go out but I guess he will in time.

Our baby is due in three months so I won't be working after that, so luckily if they don't stick to my rules I will be able to say that they don't get to have him alone. I think that'll make a big difference.

Thank you for all the replies!