Time for the elder sibling

[caz_hills]

Hi,

I don't know if anyone else feels like this...,.. We have a five year age gap between our children (not through design) so we have a five year old son and a newborn girl who is two weeks old tomorrow.

I've spent a lot of time with my son. I changed jobs to work school hours and was on maternity leave all summer so I'm used to being with him all the time unless he is at school and over the summer we had an amazing time together.

Since our daughter has come along I feel like I'm never spending any time with him. Not even quality time, no time at all! I'm feeding baby, pumping, sterilising, cooking and washing and I feel so bad for him. And for me.

He seems fine with it - sometimes he asks me to play with him and I have to explain that I'm feeding or doing something else. Thankfully a few mornings since I've been home my daughter has been sleeping and so I've had breakfast 121 with him, we have done his spellings or reading for school and then played a bit.

So I think he is fine - he adores his sister (he asked me if he could marry his sister he loves her so much!) so he isn't jealous. I suppose I just recognise that things have really changed and I feel sad that we don't have that time anymore. I get loads of time with my newborn daughter when he is at school but when he is home I don't have the time with him.

Is this normal?!

 

[gingajewel]

I feel exactly the same, my lo is nearly five months and is extremely high needs, always crying and is really hard work.
My six year old loves her but I feel like I never get any time with her after school as I'm cooking/trying to stop baby crying/doing everything!! I do try and have one to one time on a weekend when oh is home but I constantly feel guilty, big hugs.

 

[Left wonderin]

I had all those feelign and then some with my 2.5 year old . The guilty OMG !!! 6 months on and its fine what I had to realise is that old normal is just that ... As a now family of 4 we have to create a new normal for us . Letting go of the old normal was tough at first but once I accepted that thing cannot be the same and that ok it was fine . The guilt left and instead of worrying about it , spending needless time doing it I set up a new routine .... Squeezing in special time for Ds , forgot the housework for an hour when baby slept . I also realised I'd given him the greatest gift of all a sibling .

Good luck give yourself time ... It is an adjustment for everyone but it will all be ok .

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

I struggle with not being able to give my oldest the attention that I used to, especially since her Daddy is away on assignment and she's missing him terribly. I try to make sure we spend time together in the evening after the baby goes to bed, and during naptimes when she's not at school. She also adores having a sibling too, and is always helping out with him which does make it easier. Your feelings are totally normal!

 

[minties]

Very normal, but try not to dwell on it - it won't be long now until you will have more free time again. Me and Thomas are currently playing minecraft online together, we couldn't have done this a few weeks ago. Emma actually has proper naps now .

I felt terrible during the first 6 weeks, I felt so bad for my other kids. It's a million times better now (Emma is 10 weeks tomorrow).

 

[caz_hills]

Thanks ladies. It's a balance of time with both but as I've had five quality years with my son it feels so stark to now not have that.

So glad it's normal and also that once my baby naps better we will get that quality time back.

 

[gingajewel]

I had all those feelign and then some with my 2.5 year old . The guilty OMG !!! 6 months on and its fine what I had to realise is that old normal is just that ... As a now family of 4 we have to create a new normal for us . Letting go of the old normal was tough at first but once I accepted that thing cannot be the same and that ok it was fine . The guilt left and instead of worrying about it , spending needless time doing it I set up a new routine .... Squeezing in special time for Ds , forgot the housework for an hour when baby slept . I also realised I'd given him the greatest gift of all a sibling .

Good luck give yourself time ... It is an adjustment for everyone but it will all be ok .

Thank you for this, it is so true xx

 

[dani_tinks]

It definitely does get easier. I had awful guilt in the first 3 months but once we got into a better routine things became easier to juggle. E goes down a long time before J so we get to spend lots of time together in the evenings. When I can I try to go out with him of a weekend, cinema date and things. Doesn't happen often but means the world to him when it does.

 

[Willow82]

I really struggle with this. DS is 4 and DD is almost 10 months. After the first month or so, it got a bit easier as DD had long naps albeit in the sling which restricted what I could do with him. She naps in the cot now but has really short naps which makes it really difficult to play with him for long. She also needs to be held to sleep so I spend long periods getting her to sleep whilst DS watches tv which I feel really guilty about. She's also a baby that requires a lot of attention whilst she's awake as well. I really need to spend more time with DS but I'm not sure how to what with a demanding baby, work, uni course etc.

 

[Zephram]

Yes, it's normal. I still feel like this about my DS1 and DS2 is already 14 months old. There's a certain amount of mourning the loss of the unlimited time you got together with your eldest, it's an adjustment when a new child comes along and things will never be the same as they were before baby again. Just do your best to spend some time with your eldest when baby is asleep and things will be fine. Let the housework go for a while, it's not as important! Mummy guilt is a real thing, but you're all going to be fine. Your eldest has gained a sibling which is nothing but a positive and will make up for the loss of some one on one time he had with you as the baby grows up and they can play together.

 

[rebeccalouise]

I feel exactly the same, at one point I felt absolutely gutted for my eldest, even though she didn't seem to be bothered by it at all. However, now I always spend an hour or so of quality time with Amelia before she goes to bed. I put Poppy down in her cot at about 6:30, she'll go to sleep within a few min, and then I'll come downstairs with Amelia - we watch a film of her choice, and cuddle up until about 7:30/8. I think she really appreciates that little bit of time, just me and her. I also do her reading with her when she gets home from school, we usually spend half an hour doing that, as Poppy won't entertain herself for much longer!

Maybe you could try and get in a routine, so you get a bit of time with your eldest? It is hard when baby is so young, I've only just been able to start doing this.

Try not to feed too bad! I don't think it bothers them, half as much as it bothers us! x

 

[babyjan]

Yeah we still go through this. They have a 4 year and 3 month gap. My baby constantly wants holding even now so I find myself always telling my 4 year old to wait