Timing of Punishment

[JennyOto3]

My ds is nearly 11 yo, and his dad and I are divorced. Recently, my ds has been going through some tough issues, mentally (he suffers from anxiety, and recently his therpist feels he may have major depression! And he's only 10! I wish I could do more... that's another story all together...) and has recently had a bout of suspensions from school - 4 in 3 weeks. His dad heard about this and now wants to take away his boy scout camping trip this summer as punishment. The trip isn't until mid-June, and is something that could be beneficial to him - hopefully reinstilling in him some good behaviors.

My question is, would you, as a punishment for ongoing behavior issues at school, punish him by taking something away from him that is so far in the future?

I sometimes this dad just wants to find ways to punish him when he's in my care, without aking away stuff at his house. If he suscceeds in taking it away, I'm thinking that he needs to be the one to reimburse the scouts, since this camp is already paid for... wouldn't you agree?

 

[JennyOto3]

I should note, we've already punished him for the suspensions, so esentially, this would be doubling up the punishment.

 

[JennyOto3]

I should note, we've already punished him for the suspensions, so esentially, this would be doubling up the punishment.

Or would that be triple since the suspension is supposed to be punishment for the bad behavior at school...?

 

[kassiaethne]

I wouldn't mind saying I was taking it away, but being as it is still far away you can say he can earn it back with good behavior maybe?

I'd also want to be on the same page punishment wise from here on in. So I'd start talking to his dad about suitable punishments for the future so one of you can't blurt out something the other may not want to happen.

 

[suzib76]

i wouldn't punish him at all.

he has a therapist who thinks he may have major depression, he isnt being bad, he is being driven by his illness and he needs help and support not punishment

 

[JennyOto3]

i wouldn't punish him at all.

he has a therapist who thinks he may have major depression, he isnt being bad, he is being driven by his illness and he needs help and support not punishment

I agree. I don't think that he is intentionally doing this things. I think he is having some tough times. However, I can't just stop parenting. He does need to know that bad behavior is not okay. We can't walk on eggshells around him. That isn't going to help either. I just think the punishment should fit the crime, and OVER punishment isn't going to help - more like hinder.

I wish my ex and I were on more amicable terms, but we're not. We have to communicate in writing otherwise it gets out of hand with him. Try as I might, he'll just go overboard.

 

[River54]

I don't think taking away a scout trip is a good idea. I think your instincts on having that as a source of good behaviour is valid.
If he is already suffering from depression, then taking away a trip he'd be looking forward to would probably compound it. And as you've already said, you've already punished him for it. So in his mind, it is done, and he got punished, end of story.

What did he get suspended for?
I'd work with his therapist if you can, and see what positive things you can either do or put him in (activities to help) that would help him, then maybe it would help combat the underlying issues and he'd do better with school.

 

[seoj]

I would also encourage positive reinforcement... like ways he can earn things that he can look forward to. My SD struggled with anxiety (due to issues with her bio-mom) from a very young age. So a LOT of her personality was affected by this- and it for sure came out in ways where she wanted to control everything. And would argue and tbh, could be very difficult at times. But we worked with her counselor to find ways to better deal and react to her behaviors- rather than just punish her for them. We really didn't "punish her"- we did however, send her to her room to calm down when needed... and then after, we would sit and have a good chat about her feelings and why she behaved the way she did. Sometimes we even had to kind of guide her through her feelings - when she was younger, as she didn't always truly understand them herself. But in our discussions- we could usually get to the root cause and talk it out. We made her feel heard and valid- and she worked towards getting stickers (for chores or helping around the house etc...) where she could trade them in for fun activities- like a sleep over with a friend. But you can do whatever would be fun for your child.

Personally, I wouldn't take the trip away. As it's already been planned- but, I will say, that respect needs to be earned (both ways). And if our oldest wanted a trip or camp etc... she would earn the right to go by her behavior. She was not rewarded for acting up- but I do think punishment should "fit the crime" and be immediate, not in the future. As it doesn't sink in as well. When she was old enough, if she started to argue (which she did often)- I would simply say "this is not a debate. If you continue to argue, this is the consequence (I wouldn't say punishment)- and it was usually to take her cell phone away- when she was old enough for one. And eventually, I didn't even need to say anything- she would start to argue, I would hold out my hand for her phone, and that was it. She stopped. I think I actually had to take her phone away a few times- and there was always a time limit based on what she did. The worse behavior, the consequence was more time without phone. But it could be TV or game boy etc...

All simply my two cents on what worked for us-- you always need to do what works best for your and your family.

 

[C_baby]

I think punishment needs to be immediate otherwise what reason has he to actually behave well? If you take a trip away which is in mid June then in his mind why not act up until then as he's already been punished in advance.

Maybe the threat of this punishment is a middle ground, 'if x happens again you will lose your scout trip'.

I personally wouldn't take a trip I thought would be beneficial to my child and i had paid for away when there are other options. I also wouldn't let your ex dictate the punishments when your son is in your care, it needs to be something agreed upon in advance and preferably something your son is aware of. So he knows what the consequences will be off misbehaving before he does it.