to christen or not to christen?

[hanni]

My OH are having a bit of a debate about wether to get our son christened or not.
Short story, he wants to, I don't.

Long story,
We're not religious in anyway. He's never been to church, I was raised as a baptist where we wouldnt christen and instead wait for them to decide when they're adults. I haven't been since I was 13, none of our families are religious.

Money is tight at the moment, I really can't justify spending £500-£1000 (I think? How much are these things?) on an event which I don't believe in.

I asked him who he would want to chose as god parents IF we got him christened and he's chosen his "closest" friends who I've never even met, they never talk anymore, haven't seen each other in person in about 2 years and they've never met my son! Hardly god parent material.

What would you do? Should I just let him get on with it? We'd both agreed we wouldn't and then the other day his mother asked us if we would because she wanted him to be. I just told her no, we don't believe in it and we can't afford it. I thought that was that but now he's sprung this on me.

Am I being unreasonable to put my foot down and say no?

 

[Kristalebear1]

Your not at all, I believe you should let him decide when he is old enough. Just say no, and who on earth picks friend who font talk, and never seen the boy as god parents?!? Instead why not take the money you'd spend on it and go in a small family trip and make memories I agree with you, there's no point, and you both previously agreed he wouldn't be (I just went through this with my OH and his brother wanting my daughter to be.. I said no simple as that.)

 

[smoore]

DH and I had the same conversation. He is not religious at all. I'm religious, but not in a traditional sense. I grew up in the church, etc, but I don't believe in attending weekly just to give a random group/building money.

My family has a strong tradition of baptism. We had a conversation that boiled down to this:

It meant A LOT to my family, and they would cherish the day and memory.

It didn't mean anything more than water being poured over her head to him, which wouldn't harm her in any way.


She won't be to church weekly after. She won't have ideals forced on her. She will still have the chance to decide for herself and won't even remember being baptized.

 

[MumToEva]

I don't get why you would christen / baptise your child when you aren't religious - probably depends what denomination you grew up with, but to me it's a promise to God to bring up your child in the ways / knowledge of your religion, so if you don't intend doing that, then why would you? Though I know it means different things to different people, so depends on what you understand by it. My kids aren't christened / baptised for this reason, despite both my husband and I being from religious families. Our families have ever said either way, but I think they are happy with that, as they wouldn't want us making false promises.

If it'sthe celebration element your husband likes the sound of, why not have a naming day celebration (or a different name?) instead - that way you can celebrate your LOs life and choose godparents (or a different name?) if you like, without the religious element? Though. I really don't get why he would want friends who he hasn't seen in so long and who don't know your LO to be Godparents anyway?

 

[tulip1975]

You aren't being unreasonable. Stick to your no.

 

[emyandpotato]

No your OH is being a bit ridiculous TBH. Sounds like he's caught up in the idea of it being the done thing, as well as wanting to please his mum. A lot of my friends have christened their children because it's just the norm; they're not religious at all, they just see it as the done thing, which is odd! If he isn't religious either I doubt it's important to his mum for religious reasons? I would consider it if she was a devout Catholic or something where a baptism was a huge issue, but for most Christians it isn't an issue at all it's just tradition, and if they're not even religious it's kind of pointless. Could he compromise and have a naming ceremony, or just a meet and greet party at a pub/cafe to celebrate your LO's birth?

 

[LoveCakes]

I don't get why you would christen / baptise your child when you aren't religious - probably depends what denomination you grew up with, but to me it's a promise to God to bring up your child in the ways / knowledge of your religion, so if you don't intend doing that, then why would you? Though I know it means different things to different people, so depends on what you understand by it. My kids aren't christened / baptised for this reason, despite both my husband and I being from religious families. Our families have ever said either way, but I think they are happy with that, as they wouldn't want us making false promises.

If it'sthe celebration element your husband likes the sound of, why not have a naming day celebration (or a different name?) instead - that way you can celebrate your LOs life and choose godparents (or a different name?) if you like, without the religious element? Though. I really don't get why he would want friends who he hasn't seen in so long and who don't know your LO to be Godparents anyway?

This exactly. There's no point in doing it if you have no intention of following through on the promises you make. A naming day or celebration down the line if you are in a better position financially might be nice.

 

[HoneyBee144]

I had this same debate with my OH. Neither of us are religious but he thought getting christened was just what you do. I said I didn't want our sons christened as I can't stand in a church and promise to a God I don't believe in, it feels wrong. A naming ceremony is a nice alternative if he's amenable to that. Otherwise I would just stick with saying no and keep explaining your reasons.

 

[MrsT&Ben]

This was a big thing for me and hubby. He wanted to I was deeply against it. I'm not religious in anyway shape or form. My hubby was christened and his mother is very religious. He is not. He wanted our children christened because it was the thing to.do. I told him if he wanted to organise it then go a head. But I wouldn't be there.
I couldn't stand by and be part of something I don't believe in. Stick to your guns hun. I believe in choice and would stand by my children if they choose to follow a r religion when they were old enough to make an informed choice!

Cuse the rant. I am incredibly passionate about this subject!

 

[Cattia]

I totally think you should stick to your guns too, but just to say it doesn't have to cost a lot. We paid about twenty pounds in donation to the church. Got christening outfits cheap off eBay and just had people back to our house for sandwiches and cake. Ours have to be christened to get into Catholic school and both our families are catholic so it seemed like the right thing to do even though we don't practice much. I think it's a very personal thing and definitely not something you should do if you feel against it.

 

[hanni]

Your not at all, I believe you should let him decide when he is old enough. Just say no, and who on earth picks friend who font talk, and never seen the boy as god parents?!? Instead why not take the money you'd spend on it and go in a small family trip and make memories I agree with you, there's no point, and you both previously agreed he wouldn't be (I just went through this with my OH and his brother wanting my daughter to be.. I said no simple as that.)

I told him I'd rather put the money towards a family holiday! I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable. I'm just going to keep saying no.

 

[crownest]

Unfortunately I pretty much have to christen our baby in the catholic church. My husband is a atheist and I not far behind but in Ireland they run most of the schools so to help in getting a good school we wI'll do it. I have friends who have "secretly" done it without telling family because to them it was a formality not a celebration

 

[hanni]

Thanks so much for all your replies ladies! It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable.
For me the main factor is the money aspect of it, I see it as a total waste of money for something we don't believe in. He's clearly just suddenly changed his mind because his mother asked us to because it's the norm in her family (non of who are religious) to get christened, go to the local social club, make small talk with family members you never see or talk to and get drunk. I couldn't think of anything worse tbh!
I would have a naming ceremony but I really don't feel like we need to. The people who care about him are in his life already and see him often.
I think his idea of it is that it will be a party and he (and mostly his mother) can show him off to his family, none of who have been to visit or made any effort. I just don't see the point.

Thank you all for making me realise I'm not being unreasonable for saying no. I'll be sticking to my guns! If she wants to bless him so badly she can pop off to church and pray for him.

 

[hanni]

And also its the whole he would pick "friends" he's never spoken to properly or seen in years. It would feel so wrong giving these people who clearly could not care less about my partner or son the pleasure of being his god parents. He deserves so much more than that.

 

[MrsKChicago]

I wouldn't do it. If DH was actively religious, I'd probably go along with it, but we're both agnostic leaning towards atheism, and I'm not going to make a promise to a god we don't believe in. It's weird for us and very disrespectful to the church, in my opinion. We were adamant that our wedding be totally secular, too.

If his mom wants to show off the baby, I'd be ok with her hosting a casual thing for her friends. I'm sure my mom has friends who aren't involved in our lives but would come meet the baby once - they all go to each others kids' showers and weddings. But it would be her responsibility, I'm just showing up with the kid.

 

[hanni]

I wouldn't do it. If DH was actively religious, I'd probably go along with it, but we're both agnostic leaning towards atheism, and I'm not going to make a promise to a god we don't believe in. It's weird for us and very disrespectful to the church, in my opinion. We were adamant that our wedding be totally secular, too.

If his mom wants to show off the baby, I'd be ok with her hosting a casual thing for her friends. I'm sure my mom has friends who aren't involved in our lives but would come meet the baby once - they all go to each others kids' showers and weddings. But it would be her responsibility, I'm just showing up with the kid.

I would do the little party for his mother but the only time she ever sees him is when we take him over (she's perfectly mobile, only works 2.5 days a week and has time to go away for weekends with her friends but not visit her only grandson!)
My OH had been super busy with work recently so we didn't take him over for 4 weeks running and she made no effort to come and see us and instead just sent us an arsey text with her post code saying just incase you forgot where we live.
I begrudge taking him over nevermind her using him as an accessory to show off to her friends.

The second time she saw him (after bombarding us at 11pm the first night we brought him home the first time!) She invited her friend and her daughter over who I've never met, they walked in the house, didn't even say hello to me and she handed him over to these total strangers (to me anyway) and went here want a cuddle! I realise she might just be a proud granny but it seams she's only a proud granny when she wants to show him off to her friends.

Sorry about the huge vent 😂

 

[MrsKChicago]

She sounds charming...

 

[MindUtopia]

Like others have said, no, you're not being unreasonable and yes, stick to your guns. If you aren't religious and don't intend to raise a child in a particular religion, then I think it's disrespectful to make those promises to do so just to have a party. We didn't have a christening/baby naming. My husband is agnostic (though his family is Christian). I'm Jewish and actually the more religious of the two of us. But even I don't actively attend a synagogue because there is none around us. We practice certain religious traditions at home, but we aren't actively religious and involved in a church/synagogue/etc. so it didn't feel genuine to go through with some sort of ceremony and make promises that I didn't feel we could keep. You can always do it later if you want. But you can't un-do it once it's done. Why not wait until your LO's first birthday and have a big family party then? It seems a long way off now, but that is a big enough event to plan, some people hire halls for it, etc. and it will be great time for friends and family you don't see often to come around. Or have your MIL organise a family BBQ or something for the summer and she can show off her new grandchild then, leaving out the religion stuff.