To tell or not to tell, that is the question...

[dolly28]

Hi Everyone,

Before I start I just want to thank the people that replied to my last post for all the kind words about being a single pregnant mum, and so say Im so sorry for not coming back to anyone as it was November last year when I posted and I didnt come back to the site until now so please forgive me xx

Ok I am now 38 weeks, and have been battling with myself as to what to do when bump finally puts in an appearance.

Do I tell the dad when he arrives or not??

Half of me thinks yes he has every right to know but the other half of me dosnt want to open what could be a very large can of worms.

I didnt hear anything from him from when I was first pregnant up until I was 20 weeks (Feb 09) when I thought I would do the decent thing and invite him up for the 20 week scan knowing how important it was. It seemed as if he would come but then he just wanted to know if I still loved him and when I said no and that I was inviting him to give him the chance of being a father, he turned on me, saying he would never be a father to my son.

That was the last time I have heard from him and I feel so bitter towards him now, I have had a dreadful pregnancy and he knows nothing about it, he hasnt even bothered to send a single text or anything to see if all is ok.

Now Im just stumped as to if I tell him when he arrives or just say nothing, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry to be a pain

 

[june09]

It is a tricky one hun. With me I wont be able to tell the father when the baby arrives, as he as made it pretty much impossible for me to even contact him in anyway. I have no idea at all where he is. But I do often wonder if there was a way to tell him, would i? On one had I think well yes it's their child too they have a right to know but then I sit there and think well if they were actually bothered and wanted to know then they would get in contact and show some interest.

I think I would say why should you make the effort to tell him when he has not bothered this whole time, and I understand your bitterness as I feel exactly the same. He knows that your pregnant with his child, and I am guessing he has some idea when your due? So surely if he wants to know he will get in contact with you.

I really don't know what to say is the best thing to do, as its like you say he has every right to know but then I think has he lost his rights to know with being as he has been and not bothered at all.

I am sorry I cant be of any help really, but just wanted to say I know where your coming from and I will actually also be interested to see what opinions others have.

 

[jesse k + x]

Its such a tough situation to be in hun - my ex told me when i was 12wks that he wants nothing to do with me or his unborn child ra ra ra. I figure i'll text him when his son is born and its up to him if he wants to sign forms or make and effort. if he doesn't then i wont bother making any effort to chase him and get him to be a father.

Either way, u'll be everything ur baby needs and if the father doesnt want to be there - its his loss. My DD's father (different to this babys father) hasnt seen her since she was 6mths old - shes not 4yo. There are some jerks out there - and frankly i think us and our kids are better off.

 

[dolly28]

Thank you to you both for replying, I find it bizarre just how many people are in the same kind of situation, and I think of these dads that just cant be bothered, it stuns me!!

Hopefully more people will reply to the thread as it would be interesting to see others views too.

Thanks loads and good luck xx

 

[edinsam]

Hi dolly.

I will be telling mine purely on the basis that in later life she asks me if I told him she was born I want to be able to say yes, knowing that at least I made the effort.

I am in the unfortunate situation in that I work beside my ex so he will know anyway when she is born

I send him all pics of the scans etc for the same reason I described above

Good luck with whatever decision you take.

Xxx

 

[tinkabells]

Didnt wanna read and run, but im gonna be talking to the father of mine and sorting things out like this, i dont want him at the delivery, but its ver difficuly situation xxx

 

[JayleighAnn]

I'm not a single mum, but my own dad has nothing to do with me and my siblings for the last 6 years so hopefully you wont mind my advice

I'd tell him, just a text to say "your son was born on blah blah at blah blah" and leave it at that, that way you've tried and your son can't then turn around and possibly blame you for never telling his dad or anything

 

[starbucks101]

I told DD's father about 3 weeks after i had her, i took a few weeks to get my head round being a mum and being alone, to bond with her and to just settle into the complete change of my life.

I just sent an email saying when i had her, how much she was etc.. and attached a few hospital pics. He has nothing to do with her but has aload of pictures up untill she was about 6 months. then he started being an idiot again so we have nothing to do with eachother which suits me fine

 

[Aidedhoney]

I am not in this position but i agree with edinsam, if you do tell means that when your baby is older you can say that you at least tried.
I wouldnt rush in and tell him, i would wait till your strong enough after delivery and well bonded with baby.xxx

For what its worth he sounds like a tosser and your far better off on your own xxx

 

[bjshooter]

I think you should give him one chance, men often change when they actually see a baby, as doesn't seem real to them before like it does to us. Tell him baby is here and leave it open to him from there, at least you will always know you were the reasonable one.

 

[jesse k + x]

Unfortunately, there are some men who wake up and realise they ARE a dad when their child is born - but most that have already walked away and chosen to have nothing to do with u or their unborn child, willl continue to be that way. I split with my DD's bio father when i was 4mths pregnant and he only stuck around until she was 6mths old cuz he thought i'd take him back. When he realised i wasn't getting back together with him, he was long gone. We live in the same town - and he hasn't seen her since. She's now nearly 4.5yo.

Like i mentioned in my prev. post, i definitely think its best to at least send a message or email or letter etc with birth details and acknowledge them as the father and that way u can always hold ur head up and say "i did the right thing and told him when his son/daughter was born".... after that, the ball is in his court. It's up to him to make the effort.

I'm not expecting my baby's father to make any effort after his son is born in Oct, but who knows. I'll tell him anyway and maybe send a pic. Goodness only knows what goes through these men's heads!! *sigh*

 

[xJG30]

My mum told my ex as I was ill.. we didn't speak throughout the whole pregnancy and he suddenly wanted to come up.. I didn't want him there and his mum was constantly phoning asking for information to get absolutely nothing as I'd requested.

It's truely upto you though..

 

[precious-gift]

hey hun my ex does want to be involved, although we are not getting on at the moment, and i will tell him, but probably wouldn't be the first thing i do, as he has hurt me so much. i agree with edinsam that if you tell him, you know that you tried and the ball is then in his court and you can tell your child when it is older that you did make the effort.

also agree with jesse that some men don't see themselves as a dad until they see baby when it is born, kinda think that this is how my ex is going to feel, won't know until the time comes!

everyone is in different situations and only you can decide at the time whether you want him in your childs life. it will be his loss, not yours.

xx

 

[dolly28]

Thanks everyone that replied, kind of all feeling the same way about the situation, I know he deserves to know, and I dont want to be the one that my baby turns to later on and says did you do everything you could? However there is a part of me that is very bitter towards him for letting me do this on my own, and I just feel that it dosnt take a rocket scientist to work out that a pregnancy takes 9 months and he knows when he is due.
Well Induction on Monday so need to make up my mind pretty fast ey!!

Thanks again xx

 

[lhamil88]

just thought i'd let you know that i am in a similar boat...i will NOT be telling the ex when my baba is here ... there is a lot of contributing factors in this but just thought i'd let you know if you decid NOT to tell him you won't be the only one

 

[Monkeh]

I haven't told my ex that my son is born.

I gave him enough chances in the beginning to take an interest, but he never made any effort, so why should I?

I don't want him to even look at my son, so there's no way I'm supplying him with information about him that may make him take an interest.

 

[Akira]

Hey girls, hope you don't mind me butting in, just wanted to gve a diferent oppinion. My situation is quite different, however it may still give you all smething to think about. When I my older siblings were born, my parents rung my grandmother, and she basically said "so what" and hung up on them....sooo...when I was born, they never bothered. Although I get why they did it, it still makes me upset that my own grandmother doesn't know I exist. I am now 20, have no idea where she is and have never met her, and I still geet annoyed that she doesnt kow her own granddaughter exists. As I said, quite different from your situations but the feelings are similar

 

[londonbabe]

Yes i would tell him
It is upto him if he has anything to do with his child, but deep down in years to come when she/he asks you can always say i told your dad you was born

 

[Jade--x]

Hey I was in the same situation. My ex used (and still does use) my son as a means of getting me back and now he realises theres no chance of it, he uses my son for revenge. It's not on.

It's entirely your choice what you do hun, though be warned he may do as my ex has, and use baby as a weapon against you in a way to hurt you for not going back to him.

In hindsight, I wish I'd have never told him I was pregnant that I'd just left in silence, or that if I had have told him, that I'd have not argued with him when he was denying paternity so that he would have left me alone. I wish I hadn't have told him baby was born, though he knew my due date and for weeks up to it he was constantly emailing saying 'is the baby here, is the baby here' because he had the idea in his head, I didnt want him because of pregnancy hormones and that after baby I'd want him back again. Wrong. But that's why I'm now being dragged threw courts for no reason. All because I said no.

I would say have a serious think about it, though if he's already said that he doesn't want anything to do with baby, and you don't really want him there, maybe it's best not to if he's going to be a 'there when it suits him' father

Hope everything works out ok x