To Tell? or Not to Tell?

[Maurie]

As the title reads I am debating as to whether or not to tell my family we are having trouble. I have been debating this since I accidentally spilled it all to my MIL a couple weeks ago and it felt like a releif.

Our parents know and my sister knows we are going through testing. Only our parents know we are taking medicine to try and conceive.

We have some (5) big family events this month with weddings and several family reunions. The question of when we are going to have a family is inevitably going to be asked .....


My question is who have you told and what is your experience?

 

[NavyWife84]

I'm not a very private person, and really didn't care at first that people knew we were TTC. However, that was back when I thought I would be like everyone else I know who conceived right away! Some days I wish we never told anyone because I don't like the looks of pity, the advice from people who have no clue, and the being extra sensitive to what people say because they know that we are LTTTC and still make dumb comments. Other days, I am glad that people know. They don't ask "when are you going to have a baby?" and things like that. I also have been able to pick out the people I know who have been in my shoes and are really good to talk to.

It is kind of a catch 22, but in hindsight, I would have been more selective with who I told. It is something that I wish I only shared with people with whom I am really close and those who I know have been in my shoes and are an experienced ear to talk to.

If you don't want to tell people and the inevitable questions arise, there are some good responses some ladies on here have suggested, like:
"We will have a baby when we are blessed with one."
Or just simply say, "One of these days."
Or, if you want to put some humor in it, "We'll have a baby about 9 months after we get pregnant!"

Whatever you decide, good luck with it

 

[Maurie]

Thank you for your input.
I dont really like either option but I am terribly tired of being asked when we are going to have a baby. Not to mention my family is full of cousins who had a baby in high school and several since.

I feel so conflicted

 

[Reb S]

It is tricky. I kept it completely private, until I MC'd, then told everyone as i kind of fell apart. People stopped asking me anyway after about 2 years of OH moving in, as it was sort of obvious that if we could have, we would have had one. If I were you, I'd be circumspect and tell only those who it will really help YOU that they know. Otherwise, as NavyWife says, just laugh it off.
My lovely Mum has memory problems, so I can tell her everything and she won't remember it! Kind of funny in the end! Good luck with what you decide and for getting your BFP x

 

[LaineB]

When people ask I just say we are doing our best and it will happen! Most people haven't gone through LTTC and don't understand the stress. So I just leave it at that. I talk to my sister about it but no one else. I def understand the need to talk to someone other than dh. Just choose a person you trust and it will feel like a huge relief.

 

[Maurie]

Thank you ladies,
This weekend I sat down with my mom and my aunt J. Mom was still telling me I am too stressed and trying too hard. I hadn't told her everything she just knew we were trying and have been for a while. She also knew we started medicine. So I told her everything, the tests, the results, what we tried and what the doctor said might be in our future. I told her how much I get jealous of the people in our family with little ones, people I shouldn't be jealous of.

I told her how grandma (her Mom) sucked me into planning my Aunt B's baby shower next month. I hate shopping for the decorations full of baby stuff and really dont have the motivation to do it. . . My Aunt J told me not to worry about it she has all kinds of decorations for the shower. She has me covered . I think Mom got the point as to how difficult it is for us and will stop telling us to relax.

It is very nice to have a little support and someone to back me up when I just cant do the baby shower things.

I decided to talk to those who would be supportive and if they ask I will tell but if they dont ask I am not going to offer info.

 

[LaineB]

That's great. I'm glad you are feeling support. It really makes all the difference during hard times. Have a great day

 

[Missus_L]

Aww it's nice to have the support of others, glad you are doing . I wish we didn't have everyone knowing our business TBH as we don't have as much support. We have had the following said to us:
Stop going to see the doctors and it will happen
Get drunk and it will happen
You don't need IVF, it will happen naturally
Don't try
Adopt if its not working
I don't know why you want kids anyway - if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen (doctors response)
If you pray to my god and say 'I believe' you will have a child (another doctors response)
Other people are bigger than you and have had kids so why do they keep telling you to lose weight?
The list is endless!

 

[Maurie]

Aww it's nice to have the support of others, glad you are doing . I wish we didn't have everyone knowing our business TBH as we don't have as much support. We have had the following said to us:
Stop going to see the doctors and it will happen
Get drunk and it will happen
You don't need IVF, it will happen naturally
Don't try
Adopt if its not working
I don't know why you want kids anyway - if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen (doctors response)
If you pray to my god and say 'I believe' you will have a child (another doctors response)
Other people are bigger than you and have had kids so why do they keep telling you to lose weight?
The list is endless!

That is Absurd!!!
I mostly get the just wait and it will happen, or you are too stressed.

I Hope you have success with IVF, The journey will be well worth it when you get to rock your little in your arms.
Lots and Lots of Sticky Baby Dust!!!!

 

[monalisa81]

when we started IUI I told my parents and DH's parents. I'm glad I have their support and kind words, BUT when the blood test day had come,everyone knew it was the day of results. It was a BFN, as if it wasn't enough, I had to call everyone and tell them that we have a BFN. Sometimes you just don't want people's sympathy, at the end of the day I felt like going into a closet and living there for a week.
I don't know if this makes sense but when you tell your parents, just keep them off the details like when your AF is due, etc..
good luck xx

 

[fisher640]

DH told his mom FOREVER ago that we were trying, which I'm not a fan of. I'm more private. She keeps telling him to tell me to prop my hips up. (don't worry, I tried that too) I only just told my mom this week because we've started undergoing testing and whatnot. She just kind of said "oh, that's too bad". For the most part I either come up with an excuse though OR ive taken to saying, "apparently not everyone gets to choose when they get pregnant." but I haven't told many people at all.

 

[Missus_L]

Aww it's nice to have the support of others, glad you are doing . I wish we didn't have everyone knowing our business TBH as we don't have as much support. We have had the following said to us:
Stop going to see the doctors and it will happen
Get drunk and it will happen
You don't need IVF, it will happen naturally
Don't try
Adopt if its not working
I don't know why you want kids anyway - if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen (doctors response)
If you pray to my god and say 'I believe' you will have a child (another doctors response)
Other people are bigger than you and have had kids so why do they keep telling you to lose weight?
The list is endless!

That is Absurd!!!
I mostly get the just wait and it will happen, or you are too stressed.

I Hope you have success with IVF, The journey will be well worth it when you get to rock your little in your arms.
Lots and Lots of Sticky Baby Dust!!!!

Thanks Maurie It's shocking isn't it! I try to block it all out but it's hard isn't it! Here's to a load of to you too

 

[DancinEmr]

I didn't tell many people at the beginning; just my mom. My MIL used to ask monthly when we were going to give her a grandchild. One day, I lost it, and I told her that we were trying and nothing had happened yet. She gave me advice about temping and relaxing. She also told me that she got pregnant the first or second month with all 5 of her children! In the end of our conversation, I told her that we will let her know when it happens, but to please stop asking us because if we haven't told her, then we are not pregnant. I think she appreciated the honesty and maybe she will give us a break!

 

[Soili]

I found out I have PCOS and not ovulating 6 months ago and I only told my mom last week. Struggled for a while to figure out whether it's better to tell or not to tell. But in the end, I just couldn't go on keeping it a secret. I'm really glad I did! I think she gave me the most brilliant response I could have hope for. She said, that there ain't that many absolutely healthy (in reproductive area) women out there anyway, yet people manage to have kids, so she's positive things will work out for us one way or the other. It's not like I didn't know the statistics, but it was awesome to hear someone putting it that way. Somehow made me realize that it's not all that gruesome. I'm not planning to tell every single soul I know though

 

[Blue12]

Hope you don't mind me dropping in. We were planning on not telling anyome and in the end told a selectuve few. Even the people who have the best of intentions and truuly care about youu will probably still say some of the wrong things. I also found that since those people are hearing the news for the first time it is like they go through their own denial for you - hence why they say don't worry - relax etc etc. I found over time as people saw that we still were not pg they started to get it. Also I found that the more that I explained helped them understand the situation. A really lame example that helped people understand the jealousy was this - I said imagine you have a weight problem and then you see someone else conquer their weight problem and looking all "hot". While you are happy for them you are jealous that you don't have what they have except in this situation making a baby is out of your cobtrol - unlike weight loss. I found stories like that kind of helped people (my parents even) understand.
Best wisshes. Xo

 

[Maurie]

Thank you all for your input. I had to step out for a bit and not think too much about it, it was OV this week.... now to the TWW

This week I decided to stop volunteering at the local church nursery. I was working with 3 year olds so it was kind of fun. But it was getting harder and harder. I told the coordinator that we were having trouble she still gave the dreaded answers of those who have (Thankfully) never experienced infertility. I started crying in church.

I guess picking and choosing is the best option.
When I finally told my mom EVERYTHING we have tried and done, she stopped telling me to relax and it will happen, it finally made more sense to her why I was going to the doctor. . . . I hope you all get your BFPs soon !!!!

 

[TryingTimes]

Argh the age old question! We eventually told my Mum - but that's it family wise. We will have to tell people if we don't have any luck in the next 6 months because we also always get the same question!

It's a question I now know not to constantly bombard others with, and I feel more should spoken about people TTC (in the public domain) so that everyone has a greater understanding. It all sounds so easy until you're in this situation!

 

[scoobydrlp]

I have told very few people, and am still struggling with whether I want to tell my parents. The people I've told are mostly just close friends, and my sister also. One friend in particular, who I know has nothing but the best of intentions, tends to say things that are super annoying and sort of pushy, and that keeps me from telling other people. She knows that we've gone through some diagnostics, and also knows that the next step for us is a visit with an endocrinologist, and she is constantly asking when we're going, why I haven't schedule an appt yet, and that I better hurry because I'm not getting any younger (I'm 30...seriously?). Of course she's perfectly fertile and has no idea what I'm going through. She had two babies within a year of each other, and got BFP the first month trying for both.

Sorry that was so long and drawn out, but I guess I'm just saying that I'm chosing to be picky about who I tell now because I can't handle any extra outside pressure. Even when people think they're being supportive, they are often times actually making things harder.

 

[Soili]

Of course she's perfectly fertile and has no idea what I'm going through. She had two babies within a year of each other, and got BFP the first month trying for both.

That's probably why Couple with kids sometimes get obsessed about getting everyone around them pregnant as well. Weirdly enough, I think partially they might be jealous of baby-free life, even if it's not by choice.