Toddler struggling with new sibling

[MrsC10]

We've got a two week old little boy and a 2.5 year old daughter.

When our DS was born, our DD stayed with her grandparents and was ill with croup (which I don't think has helped our situation).

She seems to be struggling quite a bit with the new family dynamic and I was wondering if anyone had any advice they could share.

We spend one on one time with her when we can (we manage this every day in some way shape or form), give her some freedom over things like picking out clothes to wear, washing herself, brushing her teeth etc. We tell her all the time how much we love her and give her massive amounts of cuddles and let her know that she's still my baby girl.....but she just seems sad.

Is there anything else I can do or am I doing something wrong?

Any help or suggestions are appreciated x

 

[Teri7489]

Do you include her with care of her brother? There are 22 months between my 2 and although my daughter was still little I still allowed her to get nappies out the basket, dry his face when I washed it or give her a wipe to 'clean' his bum. I also let her sit and hold him at times, Oct course with me helping but it let them bond and show her she was now a special big sister and now not replaced. Try not to separate them too much and do just one to one with each as you are a family. One to one is needed but time together is special too. You aren't doing anything wrong, it all just takes time. It's still really early days x

 

[SarahBear]

It just takes time. We have a similar gap and Violet was rather aggressive toward Leo for at least the first month. She also completely regressed with potty training about a month after he was born. It's a hard adjustment no matter when you do it. I've heard that some kids have a hard time when the kid is born while others appear to handle it well until the baby starts to move around more. I found that the more Leo could do, the more their relationship improved. Leo is nearly three now and they get along great most of the time and play nicely together. She will adjust and her feelings are normal and quite warranted. Just support her and validate her feelings while encouraging a positive relationship as they both grow.

 

[SarahBear]

Do you include her with care of her brother? There are 22 months between my 2 and although my daughter was still little I still allowed her to get nappies out the basket, dry his face when I washed it or give her a wipe to 'clean' his bum. I also let her sit and hold him at times, Oct course with me helping but it let them bond and show her she was now a special big sister and now not replaced. Try not to separate them too much and do just one to one with each as you are a family. One to one is needed but time together is special too. You aren't doing anything wrong, it all just takes time. It's still really early days x

Oh yes, Violet was gentlest with Leo when she was allowed to hold him!

 

[Zephram]

It has only been two weeks! Give it some time. My DS1 was incredibly unimpressed with having a brother with DS2 was born. His behaviour went totally abysmal and I’m really not sure he liked his brother at all for probably the first year. He used to go and hit him for no apparent reason. This is even after we prepared him ahead of time as well as we could and we made sure to give him lots of attention after DS2 was born.

To be honest they still fight but at the ages of 5 and 2 and a half they do get along quite well most of the time. DS2 is starting to get old enough that he can keep up with the games DS1 wants to play. And I know they love each other as they do have their beautiful tender moments.

It’s incredibly hard for a 2 year old to understand why this new baby that they didn’t ask for has turned up, is taking Mum and dad’s attention and doesn’t seem to be going away again. My midwife likens it to your OH bringing home a new wife one day and being like, “And she’s here to stay!”. Two year olds are egotistical and believe the world revolves around them, so anything that shakes that belief can really hit them for six.

I’m now overdue with my third baby with approximately the same age gap between DS2 and soon to be DS3. I’m slightly freaking out that DS2 is going to react like DS1 did, but I have to say I think his understanding of it is better than DS1’s was. He already has an older brother so the concept of ‘brother’ already exists in his mind, whereas an oldest child doesn’t really get what having a sibling means when you tell them. So I’m hopeful.

Your daughter will be okay, by memory I think the first 6 weeks were hardest for us in terms of DS1 accepting his brother was here to stay and after that he gradually got used to him. Give it some time and try to encourage them to have moments together so she gets to know him.

 

[ClairAye]

I have a 19 month gap and the first couple of weeks were the hardest, DS refused me as I was breastfeeding so much but as DD got a bit bigger he liked laying on her playmat with her and things like that. Usually kids like to be involved but it may take time, my sister essentially ignored me until I was 4 months old and started doing more stuff. My DS only started really paying attention to DD as she became more alert and started laughing etc. I'm sure after a few weeks things will become 'normal' for her.

 

[MrsC10]

Do you include her with care of her brother? There are 22 months between my 2 and although my daughter was still little I still allowed her to get nappies out the basket, dry his face when I washed it or give her a wipe to 'clean' his bum. I also let her sit and hold him at times, Oct course with me helping but it let them bond and show her she was now a special big sister and now not replaced. Try not to separate them too much and do just one to one with each as you are a family. One to one is needed but time together is special too. You aren't doing anything wrong, it all just takes time. It's still really early days x

Thank you. I try to involve her in what I'm doing with DS but she's very hesitant to join in. Big step forward last night though in that she asked to hold him, which I was more than happy to let her do.

 

[Rachelm2535]

Teri7489- It sounds like you are doing all that right things with both of your babies. When we brought our second home he looked at us like what, what is this?! . It takes awhile for everyone to get into a new normal when baby comes home and family dynamics change. Be patient and include both and have alone time with both; we still have to do that even though our kiddos are older. They will get out of the awkward new phase soon. Blessings to you and your babies - Rachel

 

[MrsC10]

Thanks. She actually settled down a couple of days after posting this. Still a challenging 2 year old, but at least she's accepted her little brother and all the chaos that brings.

 

[KatBar]

I remember being so daunted by the thought of bringing baby home and how that would affect our eldest son (his a big daddies boy, and also very affectionate, so he loves cuddles and attention).

When I first got home with DS2, the most upsetting thing was that my DS1 seemed peeved at me - I had been in and out the hospital the week prior, with reduced movement, needing scans, and then being induced, so was quite MIA.
He got over that quickly enough tho.

I found in regards to the new baby, DS1 didn’t seem too fazed, as DS2 just slept a lot and was kind of “boring”. The only time DS1 ever got jealous was when my husband would hold the baby, but he has gotten better and better over time.

Now he is extremely sweet to his brother and it’s really nice to see.

Looks like your daughter is already coming around too, and I am sure it will continue to improve more and more .