Too tired to have a baby?

[skycastles]

Anyone feeling the same way? I don't know what to do.
I'm WTT after delaying our original plans indefinitely - reason being we are just too exhausted everyday. DH and I have only about 2-3hrs at home max each night (excluding sleep) and we are afraid of how we can possibly fit a baby into our lives.
But I really want a baby!
I'll be 30 soon and DH will be 40, we've been together for years, have a solid relationship, and are financially secure. DH has always wanted children, but just not now because "We're too tired." I agree, but I really don't want to be giving birth to my second or third in my mid-30s (no offense to anyone), not when I am already financially equipped to do it now while my body is in a better condition physically. What DH wants to do is to wait until I can quit my job to be a SAHM, which will be at least 2 years away. I would love to be a SAHM though.
DH says we can start trying now if that's what I want - but I don't want to if he doesn't want to because I'm as tired as he is. Or should I go ahead and just take it as it comes? It would be nice to hear some thoughts from you ladies xx

 

[MindUtopia]

What it sounds like you need to do - if having children is something you really want to do - is to re-evaluate your lifestyle and figure out why it is you're so tired and what you need to do about it. Do you not sleep well at night? Not going to bed early enough? Do you not get enough fresh air or exercise? Are you under a lot of work stress that is taking its toll? Other sources of stress? Is it your diet? Could you be anaemic? These are all things I would think about in terms of sorting out the problem now so you can think about the future. I would say that the average healthy person without kids shouldn't be so tired that they are struggling as much as it sounds like you're struggling, so if there is a tiny change you can make now that would improve things do it.

Also, to a certain extent, your lifestyle will change anyway when you have children. Though 2-3 hours at home a night before bed doesn't sound too bad to me (that's more free time than I have in the evenings!), if you would feel less exhausted getting home from work earlier, like 5 or 6pm, then yes, that's what will have to happen when you have a baby anyway. So that's a change that will be built into becoming parents for most people already. Babies and toddler need to go to bed usually around 6:30-8pm, so to get dinner cooked, get bath time done, and get a little one to bed, someone will need to get home earlier. And that may make it easier for you to cope overall. And with bedtime done by 8pm at the latest, you even can take yourself to bed early and catch up on sleep, if you need to.

But at the same time, you'd be amazed how much you can cope. I have a friend who is always like, "I'm so busy! I never have time to wash and put away my clothes! I don't get home until 6 and then there is just no time!". She has no kids. She literally just watches Netflix for 4 hours every night. But her perception is that she is tired and has no free time. It's just because she has never had to cram picking up a child from nursery, cooking a full meal from scratch, eating it, doing a load of clothes, putting them away, cleaning the kitchen, doing bathtime and bedtime all by 8pm and then still managing 2 hours of tv at night and getting in bed by 10, which is pretty much what I do every night. That would have seemed exhausting to me too! And it is exhausting, but when you don't have a choice you just do it. Even on 4 hours of sleep. Our bodies have a way of coping with things we don't think they can. You'll be amazed what you can do on no sleep, with a raging chest infection, with a screaming toddler attached to your leg when you have to. You just don't have a choice.

I mean, I think definitely think about what changes you need to make now to get to the bottom of whatever is causing you to feel so exhausted (it could be a simple as your iron levels are low or you need to go to bed earlier). But also to a certain extent know that no one goes into parenthood prepared for how truly and completely exhausting it will be, and most adjust and cope just fine. Most likely you will too. That isn't to minimise how hard it is. It's really hard. You don't get to just sit down. When I'm home with my daughter, I literally don't sit down all day unless we're sitting at the table eating lunch or I'm driving us somewhere (having done both working full-time and being at home full-time, working full-time is by far the easier and less exhausting option!). And never being able to sleep past 7am, like ever, does take it's toll. But you adjust and you learn to get on with it. And certainly, if you want to have kids, the sooner the better. I was 32 when we had our daughter and we won't have another before I'm 36. Had I had the option to have them earlier, I definitely think I would have had more energy.

 

[skycastles]

Well we do enjoy our TV A good day for us would be if we get home around 8.30. A bad day can keep us at work till 1 or 2am.
If we had a child, one of us (probably me) definitely has downgrade our role at work just to be able to make it in time to pick the baby up from childcare. The question is whether it is worth it to have a baby simply to spend a couple of hours with it every night? Then again, many colleagues of mine with families work on the same schedule. Still, with this kind of stress, will having a baby be as enjoyable as I hope it will be for us? To be frank, my fear is that we will end up exhausted and unhappy and it will be me who pushed us into the situation.
Thanks for sharing.. it helps significantly to hear about other people's schedules, and how you're managing it!

 

[psychochick]

I'm 30 DH 33, we're both in the middle of building our careers as well, although our job gives flexibility; you can work harder and probably get promoted faster, or you could pace yourself but maybe your career won't advance as quickly.

In any case, we have friends that have two kids AND both have careers and every time I see them, it seems they have endless energy, playing with their kids and I was thinking that DH and I could never be like that. Every evening we pretty much lounge around for 3 hours after dinner until we go to sleep, too tired to even catch up on personal errands. We do a lot on weekends but weekdays are totally shot. I also had a moment of self doubt like ... are we not built for having children? So when I saw your post I could definitely relate.

I don't know if you've ever read this story but I think of that in times like this. Basically the gist is, if you first fill your life with the most important things, there are always cracks to fill in the less important things. Now of course sleep and rest are important, but like you said, we're still in more or less physical primes in early 30's, it's only gonna get worse from here, so I think it's still better to have those struggles now than 5-10 years from now, when our bodies are on the down as well.

I would probably suggest NTNP at first if you're not in a hurry. Like you, I also don't want to be having kids when I'm older, just would rather get it over with. The other thing I considered is if we have problems conceiving *knock on wood*, I didn't want to find out later if I could find out now. And as we all know it could take a while even for people without problems to conceive, and the advice I've heard is to start trying 6 months before you're fully ready

I think that if you guys are even able to continue working until 1-2am means that you have the energy and ability to work hard for your family. Yes it may mean cutting away work hours and probably your personal entertainment as well but I really think you guys would make it work.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

I could have written this myself! I am teetering on ttc and wtt because of how tired I've been lately. My reasons are a little different though, I'm a full time mommy of two that are only 12 months apart while my DH works a full time job away from the home. We also live on a farm and I do all the chores while my DH is at work so by the end of the day I'm just as exhausted as he is. In addition I've had three pregnancy losses within a year and am just plain exhausted from all the bleeding. I've had my iron levels checked and don't have anemia, I guess I'm just exhausted from all I've been through. I really want another child, I think my two children would benefit from another sibling, but I'm just so tired of day to day life that I don't know if it is the best thing to do right now. My youngest is 18 months old and I was hoping to keep the ages close. As with you, I kind of want to get it over with because frankly pregnancy for me is very demanding. I suffer from severe morning sickness every time and both of my babies were born in the 90th percentile for their gestational age so I really don't look forward to the pushing part. What I do look forward to is having a big family to do things with, not so much the pregnancy part. I agree with the others that maybe ntnp would be best for people in our position. It reduces stress that we're already going through by worrying about opks, the disappointment of negative hpts and charting.

 

[sudip123]

Don't give up hope. Everything is not in our hand. Just keep on your natural lifestyle and pray for the best. I will pray for you also. Just Identify your exact ovulation date and it will work.

 

[skycastles]

Psychochick, your description of your weekdays sound exactly like ours! Sigh. Whether we're built for having children is something we think about often too.
Thanks for the story.. I've read it before but it didn't occur to me to apply it in this situation. It's a much more hopeful way to look at our situation, so I'm glad to have seen it again.

Sorry to hear of your losses lilmisscaviar. I hope things proceed much more smoothly for you from here on out.. I'm also wanting the result (i.e. a baby), more than the process itself.

I agree with you ladies that the NTNP route would be less stressful for us. Spoke about it with the hubby and we agreed to start in a few months' time after a couple of major deadlines are out of the way.. after that, we'll just take it as it comes no matter what other projects come up..

 

[Amygdala]

Having a baby will completely change your life in ways you can't even imagine now anyway. I know, it sounds like a cheesy line but there really is nothing that can prepare you for it. With that in mind, try to relax a little. I completely 100% understand the need to plan and to know whether a baby would "fit into your life" but trust me, once they're here, everything will have changed anyway. If you want one (and are in a position to have one), go for it! The rest will fall into place.
That said, I do think you'd have an easier time if one of you at least could cut down on their working hours/days and you could find a better work-life balance. Obviously, only you know how much your careers mean to you and whether that feasible but just remind yourself that you do have options. Both parents working full time (or more) is not the only possibility, even though we're often made to feel that way in today's society.
At the end of the day though, things will work whatever you decide. You don't need everything worked out in advance, a lot of it is trial and error. Best of luck with it all!

 

[skycastles]

Amygdala, thank you for your kind and encouraging words! It definitely helps hearing all the different perspectives offered

 

[MindUtopia]

Reading your response and others, yes, I totally echo the sentiment that having a child will force a change and make space in your life if you want it to. You said you usually work til 8:30 now and sometimes as late as 1 or 2am, but if you have children, that will have to change anyway. Unless you have a full-time nanny who does all the childcare, one or both of you will need to change your schedules and make time and space for family life, and you'll probably find you're much happier and more relaxed. My husband and I both do work that doesn't easily bound within 9-5. We both work for ourselves and I work from home, so in theory, work could stretch far into the evening or weekend if we let it. Sometimes, if we have a deadline to meet, it has to. But it almost always has to stop for the school run and dinner and bathtime and bedtime. We still get that quality family time in the evenings, even if one or both of us has to put in another hour or two of work after our daughter goes to bed at 8pm. Same with the weekends. Sometimes we might have to work a weekend when it's the busy season for us, but having a child has shifted our priorities. I am definitely much less likely to work on a weekend now (almost never happens) than I was 3 years ago. I'm also much more productive when I do work. Some people do say that having a child was one of the best things they did for their careers - (a) it forced them to use their work time so much more efficiently, getting more done in less time, and having more time off, and (b) it changed their priorities so that work was no longer the most important thing, which prevented burnout and from coming to hate their jobs. My relationship with time and work has changed so much since I had a child. I love my work and I work full-time, plus occasional overseas travel, but it's not the most important thing to me anymore and it's easy to put it aside and put other things first now that I have a child. Everything else fits around family now rather than the other way around, even if I'm still busy with work 40 hours a week. So I wouldn't worry that you'll still necessarily feel the same way about everything as you do now and I wouldn't worry that things won't change. Also, yes, it's totally worth it to still have a child even if you have to work and only have your evenings and weekends together. When they're really little, yes, you may find you would rather not be away much at all (I was at home full-time for a year, part-time for another year and a half after that), but even once they are in preschool or school during the day and you're at work, those hours together are golden. Having a child also makes doing everything else sweeter. Like I said, I enjoy work and appreciate what I do now so much more, because my life is just so much richer, even when I'm not at home with my daughter everyday.

 

[mcs_22]

Reading your response and others, yes, I totally echo the sentiment that having a child will force a change and make space in your life if you want it to. You said you usually work til 8:30 now and sometimes as late as 1 or 2am, but if you have children, that will have to change anyway. Unless you have a full-time nanny who does all the childcare, one or both of you will need to change your schedules and make time and space for family life, and you'll probably find you're much happier and more relaxed. My husband and I both do work that doesn't easily bound within 9-5. We both work for ourselves and I work from home, so in theory, work could stretch far into the evening or weekend if we let it. Sometimes, if we have a deadline to meet, it has to. But it almost always has to stop for the school run and dinner and bathtime and bedtime. We still get that quality family time in the evenings, even if one or both of us has to put in another hour or two of work after our daughter goes to bed at 8pm. Same with the weekends. Sometimes we might have to work a weekend when it's the busy season for us, but having a child has shifted our priorities. I am definitely much less likely to work on a weekend now (almost never happens) than I was 3 years ago. I'm also much more productive when I do work. Some people do say that having a child was one of the best things they did for their careers - (a) it forced them to use their work time so much more efficiently, getting more done in less time, and having more time off, and (b) it changed their priorities so that work was no longer the most important thing, which prevented burnout and from coming to hate their jobs. My relationship with time and work has changed so much since I had a child. I love my work and I work full-time, plus occasional overseas travel, but it's not the most important thing to me anymore and it's easy to put it aside and put other things first now that I have a child. Everything else fits around family now rather than the other way around, even if I'm still busy with work 40 hours a week. So I wouldn't worry that you'll still necessarily feel the same way about everything as you do now and I wouldn't worry that things won't change. Also, yes, it's totally worth it to still have a child even if you have to work and only have your evenings and weekends together. When they're really little, yes, you may find you would rather not be away much at all (I was at home full-time for a year, part-time for another year and a half after that), but even once they are in preschool or school during the day and you're at work, those hours together are golden. Having a child also makes doing everything else sweeter. Like I said, I enjoy work and appreciate what I do now so much more, because my life is just so much richer, even when I'm not at home with my daughter everyday.

what wise words MindUtopia! This makes me feel so much more positive about being a working mom in the future. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom since I can remember, but financially it just probably won't work for us.