Tricky Tricky

[dustbunny]

Hey... new to the website in general and I did post yesterday in this forum but this has been bugging me for a week or so now constantly. Just any advice or anything would be groovy!

I am still relatively early into my pregnancy and am no longer with the father out of my own choice. I want to bring up the conversation of visitation/access with the father now because he is very immature and I know if I leave it till the birth he will have a temper tantrum. That is added stress I selfishly do not need.

We have known about the baby for 3, coming into the 4th month and he still hasn't got a job. I asked him about applying for an MA to improve his degree [which isnt good] but he wont hear of it. He still seems fixated on becoming a director. I'm not stomping on his dreams but Id like him to wake up and realise his and my dreams have to be put on hold. I am a photographer myself and I am applying to do a PGCE to better my degree and increase my chances of getting a job. Also he still lives with friends from uni in a typical student environment whereas I have moved home and have an on hand support network of mum/sister/nan.

From various things he has said I get the impression he thinks he will be with me all the time and be able to see the baby every day and whenever he wants to. I dont wish to stop him seeing the baby but due to routine/breatfeeding/my own down time/etc this can not be possible all of the time. Also the routine will be more essential if I get a place on a PGCE course as my time will be split between looking after my baby [first and foremost] and then my PGCE work.
Also he is immature and so I do not trust him to have the baby on his own to begin with.

I don't want to come across as mean and horrible but how do I gently explain to him the above? Also hie lives about 2 hours away in another City.

I'm sorry for the long post.

 

[Laura2919]

Nobody would expect you to leave your newborn in his care at first. I wouldnt want to leave my newborn with anyone for the first few weeks or months but just tell him he can come and see the baby a few times a week or whatever you think is best and then you can go from there.

 

[cluelessnow]

Think of what you would like from him in terms of support and let him know things have to change and set out your expectations. See what he says.

 

[dustbunny]

Think of what you would like from him in terms of support and let him know things have to change and set out your expectations. See what he says.

I made tentative steps into explaining how his reactions have made me feel generally and with regards to my trust of him. I explained that to begin with it would not be a good basis that he drops in when he feels like it and we should set up a routine. EG: A weekend a month and a day every other week or something along those lines. He just replied with "I was thinking more than that but I dont wish to discuss this anymore." I don't think he has a grasp about the money side of things either, like that it might be good to start saving and not splashing out £600 on a camera. I'm a photographer by study and career choice and would love to upgrade my equipment but I know its selfish at the moment to do so with money so tight [on both sides].
I actually feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall and no one gets the situation from my point of view.

 

[jessrabbit]

My FOB also lives a couple of hours away, he wont reply for flexible working, he works shifts and weekends, I work during the week. He just doesnt get how he cant be inconsistent.

I cant make him understand, and have just got to the point now, where like you I have tried until I am blue in the face. Given up and he will have to learn the hard way. If he wants to see LO he will see him when its convenient to me.

We are the ones making all the sacrifices and they cant see it.

I am hoping that once LO is here and FOB sees him, he will fall in love and step up to being a decent dad. But I am expecting the worst.

I really hope things work out for you and he sees sense xx