Trouble with lovely SD

[stepmummy]

Hey all,

I'm hoping someone might be able to offer some sage advice. I'm struggling a little with myeight year old stepdaughter. We have a fantastic relationship and I love her to bits. She has some behavioural issues which stem from neglect on her mother's part (to cut a very long story short). She stays with us two days a week and the rest of the time with her mum.

She's been saying some worryign things lately:

1. That she never wants to have a baby and doesn't want to be pregnant (might be due to my pregnancy)
2. Grim references to things she's seen on the news/read in the red tops at her mum's like grizzly deaths and accidents
3. (perhaps most worryingly) that she thinks her mum never wanted her

My problem is that her mother is awful and wouldn't appreciate me sticking my nose in. Dh is wonderful but lives in fear of upsetting the mother. He has mentioned that she's been saying strange things but her mother has done nothing about it. I spoke to SD's teacher the other day and she says she's behind in school because she doesn't seem to have the confidence. She alluded to the fact that SD needs more love.

DH and I give SD plenty of affection, as well as being firm about discipline. She's very involved with DD and this pregnancy so while I don't wish to pass the buck, I don't think its stemming from how we behave.

Does anyone have any advice/ideas/knowledge about this kind of thing? I feel totally lost and to be honest it's really starting to upset me that she might be more affected by this in later life. I want to talk to someone about it but don't want to upset DH or anger SD's mother. I don't know what I can do to help but I feel very out on the edges as I'm not her biological parent.

Thanks ladies, sorry it's a bit epic.

 

[numum]

Hey hun it's so hard isn't it my SD is11 and has very up and down periods with her mum. She went through a phase of talking about death and suicide which I think was mostly her just coming to terms with or grappling with the concepts. She went through a phase of saying 'I want to kill myself' but in a flip way that drove me crazy like 'oh I can't have icecream I want to kill myself' but oh spoke to her and she stopped.
I worry about her when she's not with us she really doesn't get the support she needs for her school work and as for extra curricular? My God her mother complains any time she has a rehearsal or a concert and she has always tried to be with us at those times(there's no custody agreement they just figure it out) cos she knows we'll be there no matter what.
Sorry I'm droning on just to say you're not alone and really the only thing you can do is be an open ear when she's there. Otherwise the ball is in dhs court-he will have to be the one to do something, unfortunately as step parent we just gotta keep out of it. (I mean obv I talk to oh but never her mother I'd probably make things worse for sd)

 

[seoj]

Just know this, you may not have given birth to her, but you are certainly still her parent... I've helped raise my hubbies daughter, who I totally consider my own child. But she is also with us full time and only see's her mom every other weekend... and that's more consistent that it used to be as she had very little visitation when I first came into the picture (when my SD was barely 9yrs old)...

She too has had some issues over the years with anxiety and abandonment... due to things that happened while in her mothers care when she was very young. So sad that these girls didn't get the nurturing they needed from their bio mom... but it can come to them in many forms. A grandmother, sister, cousin... or especially a Step-Mom You have every right to voice your concerns to her father... at least discuss what options you may have or how you both want to handle things when she is in your care. Sounds like you are doing a lot by just giving her unconditional love... but since she is not getting that at her "primary" home, it's a tough battle to fight.

My SD was in counseling for years- and still goes from time to time. It was SO helpful for her... but it was also easy for my husband to get her the care she needed cause he had full custody since she was a toddler. So the parenting decisions were his to make... it's much harder when you aren't the primary home, there is much more to work against. I just wish I had the answer for you. I can imagine how frustrating it must be- I've had some very frustrated moments with my own SD due to things her mother did or even just tried to do over the years. But, luckily my SD had an amazing father- and lots of love and encouragement from him... and myself... and her grandparents. So she has grown into a self-assured and sweet young woman (she's now 14).

Maybe this isn't an option- but have you discussed trying to get more time with her? Maybe getting more time in your care would help her in the long run as it sounds like you are both great parents to her. If anything, just continue to love her... set clear boundaries... and encourage her to evolve into a caring and confident woman. There may be only so much you can truly do.. but anything you do will still help her in the long run. She'll know she can turn to you for the love she needs. Otherwise I'd suggest maybe even getting family counseling? That way she get's what she needs, but you don't have to go around her mom to get counseling for just her... if that make sense. Plus it may give you and hubby the tools you need to better understand how you can help your SD. It was certainly helpful for us... but you need to do what makes sense and feels right for your family.

Wishing you the very best of luck!!!!

 

[hopeandpray]

It may be hard for her to see how excited you are about the new baby when she has felt like her mum didn't want her in the past. It may be the first time that she understands what a good biological mother would be like and she's just started to think about that and the kind of mother she would be. It must be a lot for her to deal with

 

[stepmummy]

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate the advice - and the support that we're doing the right things already. We talk about having her live with us often but I don't think her mother would go for it. And of course, through all this, SD still loves her mummy and wants to be with her.

I think that counselling would be very good for her, it's just deciding how to go about organising it. Would her mother have to go to a GP to organise something like that?