TTC #1 for 1 year +

[choose2bhappy]

Ok, so I am new to forums, although in fact I have been perusing forums over the past year to figure out A) how to maximize ttc B) symptom checking, all to no avail. I am completely discouraged and have gained so much support from reading other people's journeys that I want to share my own, lay out my game plan at this stage of the game, and request feedback/support on this heartbreaking rollercoaster that I did not know I signed up for. DH and I have been TTC for 1.5 years. We have been married for 8 years [and long term BC] and have always put off having babies until we were older, wiser, career oriented and more financially secure....which in hind-sight seems to be one of the things I regret the most. Even when we decided to start it was more me than him and I noticed a lot of immediate anxiety (and decreased willingness/fear to have sex) over which I have become internally bitter and resentful. I am 27 (soon to be 28) and he is nearing 30. He has since overcome the fear of making a baby after he realized that it wasn't going to happen immediately and we have continued to try, hap-hazardly at first and then more focused as we didn't have any results -- complicated by DH traveling periodically for work (2 weeks at a time). To be honest, I thought I conceive every month, frantically checking myself for symptoms only to have AF arrive (on a varying schedule 23-28 days). I recently completed blood testing on CD3 a few months ago which was deemed ok (praise the Lord) and DH completed semen analysis and blood testing which revealed low motility and low T [otherwise normal]. Our marriage has hit a rocky patch I sometimes do not think we can recover from. I've read and re-read many stories of other couples and their journeys and I'm mostly frightened, this is the first time in my life where I do not think we are going to survive this, and if we DO get pregnant I'm still not sure we can survive. My entire life I assumed I would finish school, start my career and then go part time to be a mother to our family. Now I am lost in my meaning and purpose in life. Below I'm going to list some of our issues and potential solutions, please chime in.
A) Low Motility & Low T
- Health:Husband is overweight (250lbs/6foot) and has been for the majority of our marriage. I have tried many times to get him to lose weight for his own healths sake and now it seems to be most necessary of all -- if we can ever conceive. This has been a battle all on its own -- how do you lovingly tell someone to lose weight? And after all is said and done, I can say and do as much as I can to assist but it's his choice to over-eat or eat poorly. My weight is healthy (125lbs/5'4").
- Protein: I have tried including more protein (greek yogurt, Quinoa, red meat, chicken, tuna, lentils, nuts) to stimulate more T and decrease weight. In fact, we recently signed us both up for a sprint triathlon in attempts to get healthy and marriage build [hasn't worked yet].
- Vitamins: [HIS - zinc, selenium, C, D, B, Fish oil, lycopene, Men's specific multi] and [HERS - zinc, prenatal, B, D, Fish oil] in the mega doses, poor guy has been taking a handful a day, however I feel its the least he can do.

B) Stressed w/timing sex
I recently started the opk's. I had been temping and charting CM for months however it became too much stress and so I decided to pony up the $$ for opks. First cycle using the advanced Clear Blue was confusing between flashing smiley and non-flashing smiley. This cycle I'm using the regular version of clear blue [smiley or no] but with no luck yet. I know I ovulate on day 12-13 from temping/charting [FYI Kindara app is amazing]. I have been trying to get hubby more involved in the process since I seem to be bearing all the stress and pressure but I've recently realized that he is adding to the stress/pressure and I think I'm going to feign ignorance to when I ovulate in order to help him relax during sex. So my solution to this is, keep opk's however hide from hubby and don't tell him I'm even checking it anymore. Then maybe our sex will be more frequent and fulfilling - less of a chore.

C) Distraction: for myself during the 2WW. Maybe I need to try working out harder, getting a massage or nails done. Anything really. I am quitting FaceBook this week as I'm tired of all the new baby announcements - I literally can't take it.

D) Support group: that's this! I really feel as if I have no one to discuss this with as everyone in my neighborhood is either popping out babies or has 10. The running joke is "don't drink the water" which all my neighbors told me when we moved in....although now its not mentioned as clearly drinking the water was not the issue. All of my family has at least 1-2 kids and 2 of my sister-in-laws just had babies [in fact they announced AFTER we had been trying for awhile and have already had their babies -- which goes for about 10 of my gfs as well ] I hate to be a jealous wallower, but I totally am.

E) Caffeine: totally cut it out [which took a new resolve] and replaced with green tea for 2-3 months, and now I only drink coffee occasionally.

F) More Testing: next is for DH to repeat semen analysis test and I have an upcoming intrauterine US -- and the RN at my OB let me know its for seeing if we are candidates for IUI...a short discussion about this with my DH ended in fight (per the usual) - but I think the conclusion was that we would go ahead with it in the future as we can financially afford it. A quick scan on IUI looks like 3 cycles should be sufficient before moving onto IVF.

G) Diet: constantly trying to clean it up, more vegetables, fruits and meat including healthy fats.

H) Alcohol: my DH has a love for craft beer that rivals his love for me. Just a month or so ago he got serious [at my insistence and a few fights] that he cut his alcohol intake. He is really trying at this one [now...] but it adds an extra edge to our marriage as often we would wind down with a beer or glass of wine. I have been consistently off alcohol since I quit my BC. He will still drink a beer [more than I would like him to] and it adds another layer of resentment to the table. I decided today that maybe we should split a beer when he really wants one, that way he gets to enjoy it [with someone] but overall drinks less, and the kicker is I pour most of my 'half beer' down the drain when he is not looking. Win-win? Too early to tell.

I) Yoga: meditation, relaxation, strength, stress reducing. I have put this at the front of my tasks however it has done minimal to assist w/that BFP.

Well, writing this out alone has helped me to realize how much I have done and that I still have some determination deep down inside. I keep trying to make this a joint task [DH and wife] however I think I've realized that only creates more stress. As much as I think I cannot bear this task alone, I think it will be the only way for it to be achieved. This year has left our marriage bitter, resentful, blameful and just mostly unhappy. DH feels the blame I think since it is his sperm not cooperating, and I think I blame him too, a little for not being more proactive about the whole issue.

Please post comments on things I should do and/or should not be doing. In the end, a BPF AND a happy marriage would be the ideal, clearly. I'm not sure we can afford IVF, financially or as people. I'm not ready yet to adopt. My current plan if I can't have kids is to quit my job and lose myself while traveling abroad - hopefully this plan includes DH.

 

[Myshelsong]

Hi Hun, Your journey sounds a lot like what I was going through (a few years ago mind you), except me and hubby are both overweight.

Number one, You need to go to your Dr. I know this can be expensive if not terrifying but honestly for your own piece of mind you need to know what is wrong, because you are doing EVERYTHING RIGHT! It didn't sound like you had any testing done in your story. Have you had your hormones, HSG, Lap done to confirm no polyps, endo, fibroids? Have you had a monitored cycle yet, this will let you know what size of follicle you are producing, how many and when.

You mentioned you think you blame him ... What were the SA result? Is this something that is an issue? If this is a low number, maybe all you need to do is have the dr prescribe drugs. Clomid is used for men to increase numbers and it is fairly inexpensive.

From someone that has been at this 3.5 years I can tell you that this journey is full of battles, but the one you don't want to lose is your marriage. this is the person you are trying to have a child with, you need to do this journey together and if he does have issues with his little swimmers you need to be supportive and not criticize. it sounds like he is taking all the vitamins you are throwing at him, and that took me almost 3 years to accomplish with my DH. Unless he is drinking to excess a few beers a week is not going to be a big deal. That goes for you as well, remember that you need to enjoy life even a little bit. Which believe me i know can be the hardest part. You are in the stage where it is all consuming, you need to get out of it.

For stress relief the only thing that I found that really helped was acupuncture. I know some people think it is crazy, but honestly taking one hour a week (or two weeks) and having this done did so much for me mentally. I felt empowered and I even smiled. Like actually smiled for the first time in over a year of horrible depression.

The one lesson that I have learned through this journey - and as you can see I am still going through it - is that you have to give yourself time to feel sad, but you have to give yourself time to feel happy as well. Grieve those days that you have to grieve. I let myself cry for 10 minutes when AF arrives now. When we have to move to the next step I cry for a whole day, but that is all.
Go on a mini vacation, get a hotel for a weekend in the same city you live in if you want (we did) and get out of your house and out of your bed and enjoy each other. Have a Date night, make plans with your friends, plan a home project like painting or making something crafty, and drink a glass/bottle of wine once in awhile.

I wish I could tell you the magic cure for infertility but I don't have it. I can only say that you cannot put the rest of your life on hold while you are doing this.

come join our support group, it is quite chatting and we will support you while you are going through this. Baby Dust Friend

https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/p...-1-support-group-please-share-your-story.html

 

[KatO79]

Hi choose2bhappy :wave:

First off, I'm so sorry that you're also experiencing infertility, it's truely a difficult journey, often made more difficult by the lack of understanding the vast majority have and show.

I can see that your CD3 hormones were considered normal and your DH's SA wasn't very good. I can recommend this: Stop the blame game right now! I can't stress that enough. My DH and I have unexplained infertility although I have blamed myself sometimes since DH's SA was within normal, albeit the poor end. But he doesn't blame me and I don't blame him. I think once you start pointing fingers at each other, it'll eat away at your relationship. You need to be united in this!

Try asking your DH as nicely as possible if he'd take multivitamins if he isn't already doing so and use positive reinforcement to get him to take them on a consistent basis. I've found out with mine that saying things in a nasty way gets me no where, you attract more bees with honey as they say. This works in whatever it is you'd like your DH to do to help with TTCing.

If you're having issues getting him to cut down on alcohol, try and sit down with him when he's in a good mood and tell him that you would really appreciate it if he would e.g. try cutting down on his alcohol since it's proven that too much alcohol isn't good for fertility. I will add though that my DH drinks about 10 units a week and our RE didn't say anything about that being too much. So allow him maybe his 1 beer a day as I doubt that's enough to really impact his swimmers. Women though can drink about 4 units/week so you're free to drink a bit while you're TTCing. So maybe join him 4 days a week for a beer and enjoy that time together?

As to getting him to lose weight I think that's a bit tougher. My DH weighs a tad too much but no amount of nagging or politeness helped. You know what helped? Letting him realize he had a problem. He received comments from family and he gradually realized he needed to lose weight. So he's now on the 5+2 diet and losing weight. So let him be, he knows how you feel. If you want to do it in a positive way, agree with him what day you both can go to a gym or something and start doing it. Maybe say you'd like to tighten up and would love it if he came with you so it could be an activity you can do together. A sprint triathalon may have been too big of a mouthful since your DH may feel extra stressed to lose the weight and it's getting him to just give up. I think men are sometimes like kids: you need to set them up for success and not for failure. Otherwise sometimes they'll just dig their heels in and give up if they feel like it's not something they can reach to achieve in the time frame they have been given.

As long as using OPKs isn't stressing you out then by all means continue. I ended up droppping them myself after a few months since I found out I O CD13/14 and saw no need to continue. Maybe try not making sex feel so planned. I know that got to me and my DH. I ended up letting him take over the BDing "schedule" which took pressure off me and I knew he'd take it in a more relaxed way. Maybe just go NTNP for a while to give you and your DH a break? I'd say if none of it has worked after 1½ years, it probably isn't going to work and would be best for both of you to try something else. I think there's a quote somewhere that "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I think it holds true to TTCing as well. So shake it up a little, try NTNP or just try and do things in a more relaxed way so your DH doesn't feel it's all about making a baby. Sex should also be about intimacy and closeness and doing it purely to get pregnant is certain to doom the relationship.

I can also highly recommend you getting a relaxing hobby. I make my own earrings and find it to be both relaxing and enjoyable. So see if there's anything you'd like to do.

So yeah, try being more positive in the way you try to involve him in all this because it sounds like you're just creating resentment and stress in him. Which is the opposite of what you need! I'd try apologising to him for making him feel like he's to blame all this time when it's no one's fault (he didn't choose to have sperm issues!) and you want to be united in this. Try also in the future to not argue and instead try discussing things in a calm manner and hearing him out on his feelings, they count too!

Sorry if I've been harsh but you wanted to know what you should be or not be doing. I just think you need to understand that it's your behaviour that'ss contributing to the issues between you and your DH (and not so much the infertilty) and you need to change the way you do and say things to get him on board. Infertility is hard enough without one person making things harder by playing the blame game and using the wrong tactics (like being willful and not considering the other's feelings) to trying to get their OH to be on the same page with them. You're the one creating your own resentment and his unwillingness to have sex, there's nothing sexy about being told you're fat and need to lose weight and everything is your fault. So totally understand why he's not into having sex with the way you're treating him. If you don't change the way you relate to your DH now, you may get your BFP but will end up raising the child alone.

I hope you soon manage to patch this marriage up and get that BFP soon. Good luck in everything!