TTC #1 for nearly 2 years

[PixieV]

Hi guys,
I just feel so hopeless right now. For the first 12 months my periods were like clockwork (30 days) but for the last year they were all over the place 23-63 days.
I have polycystic ovaries but hormones tested ok (slightly raised androgen index).
I have done everything the books/websites say including cutting out alcohol, caffiene, putting weight on. (Bmi 18.5 but now 20), vitamins etc im sure you know what should be done to maximise fertility anyway, nothing and I'm now day 40 of a cycle I have no idea how long it will last.
I feel broken and my OH is now feeling the pain of the difficulties. My anxiety improved through therapy but I can feel it coming back. I have an appointment with a RE but rn struggling to remain positive as I just cannot imagine a positive pregnancy test!
I guess what I'm crying out for is hope - I am ashamed to say but I gave in and drank a lot the other night and I'm afraid of it becoming a regular occurance. Is there anything I can do to take my mind off it without resorting to alcohol?? I tried walking/reading but being alone with my thoughts can be bad for me.
Sorry for the rant, I feel better typing it out

 

[KatO79]

Hi Pixie, welcome to BnB

As a former LTTTCer myself, I just had to respond to your post! I tried for 12 months naturally which I tried everything: OPKs, Preseed, vitamins, supplements, BDing every other day, BDing every fertile day. Nothing worked although I highly suspect I had a CP for my 7th cycle trying but didn't reach to test before I started bleeding. Due to me being over 35, DH and I decided to contact our GP after those 12 months (otherwise we may have tried for another 12 months naturally) and got a referral to a fertility clinic. They diagnosed us unexplained infertility as my hormones where fine (for my age anyway), fallopian tubes open and DH's sperm tests came up within normal. We did 6 IUIs, all medicated, but none worked, not even any CPs and I had 1-3 eggs each time (for most of them there where 2 eggs). Then we went forward with IVF, did long protocol and got 3 eggs that all fertilised, one embie was transferred but it ended in a CP and the 2 embies left weren't good enough to freeeze. Did short protocol next time in the hopes of getting more egss but nope, got 3 again but they could only get 2 of them out Both fertilised but one was fragmented and had to be discarded so was left with one top quality embie. That embie is now my almost 6 month old son!

Guess what I'm trying to say that there's always hope! You aren't broken and you did nothing to cause your infertility! Please don't resort to alcohol, maybe find a support group near you? Or get on BnB and maybe start a support thread and find others in your situation you can talk to. May otherwise also be worth it to go NTNP until you can start treatment, that's what DH and I did when we were waiting to start IVF and it was really good for us emotionally and mentally!

FXed that whatever is the problem it's an easy fix and you very soon will have your BFP

 

[PixieV]

Hi Kat

Thank you for your reply - stories like yours make me so happy! I will take on board your advice, it's the uncertainty that upsets me the most though. Particularly as everyone around me is announcing pregnancies, I think Facebook makes it harder as I can't get away from them! I hope when I have a plan with the RE for moving forward I feel more in control of the situation thanks again and congratulations x

 

[KatO79]

Hi Kat

Thank you for your reply - stories like yours make me so happy! I will take on board your advice, it's the uncertainty that upsets me the most though. Particularly as everyone around me is announcing pregnancies, I think Facebook makes it harder as I can't get away from them! I hope when I have a plan with the RE for moving forward I feel more in control of the situation thanks again and congratulations x

I totally get that. DH and I were starting to feel uncertain as well since none of the IUIs even resulted in a CP. We were even talking about adoption during our 4 month break if IVF didn't work and agreed it was definitely an option.

I think you should stay away a bit from FB. If you see an announcement, just log out if you need to and congratulate the person when you're feeling more up to it if it upsets you. If anyone knows what you're going through, they should be understanding.

I know my REs were always so lovely and so positive, I hope yours is the same way! Oh and never be afraid to ask questions, I know my IVF RE always made time to answer any questions I had.

Thanks Hope you have your little bundle very, very soon!

 

[MKaykes]

Hi Pixie, you'll find lots of support here. Many of us in similar situations, sadly. I'm just over 2 years, 4 unsuccessful IUIs and now moving on to IVF. It's so frustrating and devastating when we see pregnancy announcements. I gave up my hours of Facebook for Lent and its been one of the best decisions through this process. I've also stopped reading the new posts on general TTC boards and stick to LTTC and assisted conception. I've had to be very clear with friends who try to support us by saying "I just know it'll happen" because it might not. Family has also been told to not ask, I'll update them as I'm ready. Some months AF arrives and I can't keep it together, others it's no big deal.

Good luck!

 

[satelitesally]

hi PixieV, I hope you get some good news soon but I understand it's hard in the mean time. I've been ttc for the same amount of time and sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of just being heartbroken and thinking there is no chance or that it could have happened a long time ago. I don't know a lot about PCOS but I'm going to be tested for it soon (wish me luck). I don't really have any pearls of wisdom, just hope you get some good news because the wait is agonising. And people on other boards can't wait for two weeks!

 

[Topanga053]

Hi Pixie,

My story is a little different, but I could hear and relate to the pain in your post, so I felt like I had to respond.

DH and I tried for about 13 months with one early loss. The miscarriage and each period after broke my heart. I was terrified we would never get pregnant, or would never have a healthy baby. Each Facebook announcement killed me. Felt like a knife through the heart. I got therapy and spent many days after Facebook announcements crying in the bathroom at work.

My parents were told they could never have kids (they tried for like 10 years before me and both had serious issues). I was terrified that I would have my mom's problems (she ovulated very rarely, like once a year), so we got early testing.

I ended up getting pregnant in month 13 or 14 of trying and had a healthy baby girl, who is 3 years old now.

I still remember the unbelievable pain of not knowing and having to see other pregnant women. I don't think I will ever forget it.

I also thrived off of reading stories of other women who had struggled a bit (whether through LTTTC or miscarriages) and who went on to have healthy babies. It always gave me hope.

I hope my story, although different, gives you a tiny bit of hope. You will be in my thoughts. Take care of yourself. ❤️

 

[sarah2211]

Pixie, I'm so sorry you are going through this. There really is nothing that compares to the pain of infertility/LTTTC your first.

I can't add much that hasn't already been said, but I really think you should be hopeful that the RE can help you. For us, we were dealing with PCOS and low motility. My RE said my husband's numbers weren't great but to give it a go with Clomid and if no luck we'd move into IUI with sperm washing and then IVF with ICSI. Anyway, we were so incredibly lucky (and I tell myself this every day and never forget!) that our third Clomid cycle worked (the first I didn't ovulate, but the second two I did). We are now expecting a wee boy in August.

When you see your RE he/she will probably put you on something to help you ovulate more frequently (usually Clomid or Femara but maybe Gonal F or other injectable medication). If no other issues are presents then you have a really good chance of being one of the lucky ones like us.

I wish you all the best. Please let us know how you get on.