TTC and Erectile Dysfunction?

[Redros3]

I'm not really sure how common this is but I'd love to connect with anyone in the same situation.
DH is only 24 but is unable to get or keep an erection. He's been to the Dr many times but in the past the doctor just tried to say it was stress and he never would help. Recently, since DH first told the Dr 2 years ago the Dr is now trying to help.
DH recently also told me that this has always been a problem for him. Since he didnt tell me in the beginning that he has always had these difficulties I always thought it was because of me.
I think that there is a possibility that this is psychological - that DH is so afraid of it "not working" that it's all he focuses on during foreplay and therefore is unable to get in the mood fully.
The problem has become so bad that we really aren't intimate at all. We only have sex every couple months - usually everyday for a week then he detaches from me.
Erectile Dysfunction really is a hard thing to deal with for both husband and wife, so that's why I'd love to find a buddy. My husband won't even talk to me about it. I'm at a point where I don't even bring it up because it will become a fight.
I never thought as a young wife that I would have this to deal with. I feel unloved because we aren't intimate - I don't even feel like hearing "I love you". When we got married - the Dr said that the problem had always been stress related and it would eventually go away. Now I spend my time worried because I can't live my entire life like this. Sex and making babies are two very important parts to the marriage I need to have.
DH tried Levitra with no success and he now has Viagra to try. But at this point the pressure and the distance between us are proving to be too much to handle and "trying" is just out of the question.
How can I even think about TTC? I just feel like Im ready for a baby.. even though we're clearly not. It seems so selfish but DH and I did discuss babies and he wants one too.

 

[billie1007]

Sorry I haven't got time to respond properly - my ex had this problem. I will get in touch later but for now i have to dash.

Hugs to you xx

 

[Jem88]

I'm not sure what to say.. but when me & my OH first got together, he kept loosin it, but he was nervous.. but a few months later he was fine.. do you kno when you ovulate? maybe you's could just be intimate, have cuddles, & kiss an be intimate that way an just try & have sex every other day when its near/ovulation time?. maybe he's nervous & not used to havin alot of sex etc? sorry about the crap reply.

 

[Redros3]

Jem -- I really appreciate your reply. I would be happy with just cuddling and kissing and then BDing around O. But I think that even in that situation all he is focused on it the fact that he can't get it up. It's not enjoyable for either of us. Really the main problem (ED) has just snowballed into so many more. We're only a waiting list to see a couples therapist who also deals with intamicy issues. DH doesn't seem willing to go at this point but maybe he will change his mind. If not, she will hopefully be able to help me figure out if I can live like this forever or not - and help me truly understand that having a baby with him in a relationship like this is not a good idea. I mean I know that but I want a baby sooo bad.
As for O - I'm trying to figure that out still. AF just returned 5 months ago and I haven't got a +OPK yet - so Im going to start charting temps on CD1 which is Tuesday.

Billie -- I can't wait to chat! Ex? because of ED or other reasons? Was ED a factor at all? How did you cope?

 

[Jem88]

I'm not sure if you or your OH have had a look at some sites, but i found this link & fort it'll maybe be useful?

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/diso..._your_partner_about_erectile_dysfunction.aspx

 

[BabyDust123]

My husband and I have been TTC for the past year and have similar issues with ED. I can't help but think it's my fault (for example, I'm always thinking if he was indeed sexually attracted to me, he would be able to maintain his erection and ejaculate if he was turned on enough). I'd love to discuss with someone out there with similar experiences.

 

[sheilarae07]

I know the feeling! My husband has some ED issues because of some medicine he is taking. So, the whole "don't think about it and it will happen" theory, doesn't work for us! We have to strategically plan our bd. Some months are great and we get to 10-15 times, others- just once! It's so depressing, because I know we need to as many times as possible to be able to have a baby but at the same time, I know that he has issues and just can't do it.
He also gets mad when I bring it up. He won't talk to me about it. I am assuming he is embarrassed. He got some generic cialis from his dad and they worked great. He used them twice, and since then- we haven't had a problem. I am sure it didn't cause everything to get back to normal but maybe it triggered something.
Either way, I know how it is to know you have to literally plan sex, because it can't happen on a whim.

 

[norske86]

Redros3,

My husband, now 28, has had major ED since we first got together. He struggled with it off and on since puberty. Three years ago, I married him despite knowing this, because I thought we could work on it and fix it over time. I'm sorry to say that even with all of the years of psychological sex therapy, and urology visits, and Levitra, Cialis, and Viagra, he is not any closer to being healed. He's got no health issues that could effect his ED. In fact, he's got a very healthy body. And he's smart, takes care of himself. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think you have the power to change who he is and thus affect his ED in a positive way. And, darlin', it's going to wear you out and make you crazy. I don't know if it's an option for you, but if you want kids, even if you love your husband very much, you might just need to leave and start from scratch, especially if leaving means loving yourself more. I know I spent many years thinking poorly of myself, and being sad and angry, and thinking there's something that can still be done to change things. And finally, I had to let it all go -- the whole dream. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm happier now. Still no babies though. I really resonated with what you said about not even bringing it up because it will turn into a fight. I have been there. It's a volatile situation for both of you. And I'm under the impression that it's at the stage for him where it's just too painfully deep for him to deal with. And if you can be a sweetheart, treat him respectfully, and love him, that's great. But make sure you get yourself what you need. For me, I needed to acknowledge that he wasn't able to fulfill my basic needs. We weren't doing the mating. And that was no good. Now, my husband and I are friends. And I still love him and miss him. But, letting go was really the healthiest thing I could ever do for myself. I feel for you because I've been there. I know that this is the hardest thing in your life to deal with. No matter how you deal with his ED, I wish you happiness.

 

[nicb26]

Hi

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. We have had a similar problem, although not as extreme as yours, which seems to come and go, which makes me think it is related to stress. Thankfully we have been able to bd when necessary so far. I'm so sorry this isn't the case for you. I know when it does happen for us it causes A LOT of upset, so I can imagine how you must be feeling. You obviously love your husband and want to make it work, and obviously there are lots of ways to be intimate without penetration. So, with regards to baby making, is your dh able to ejaculate without being fully erect (some can). If so, you could think about trying at home insemination?
I really do wish you all the luck in the world xx

 

[BearClaire]

Hi Redros3,

I'll chat to you!
I'm in the same predicament. And have to disagree with norske86, you have the power to change your dh. Your only job throughout this is to be sympathetic and extremely supportive. If your dh loves you enough and wants to be with you then he will do whatever it takes to try and get to the bottom of the issue.

My OH is a lot older than your dh and has always suffered with ED. Its only since he met me that i came up with a possible reason that there might be an issue. I got him to go for a blood test to find out what his testosterone levels were. The range should be 10-28 and his came out at 9! This doesnt affect the ED, but it does make you a horny teenager, which should make him want you more, which means you'll have sex more, which means it might get better with more practice!
(There's more to this if you want more details PM me, its just too much to write here in a response).

You've got to realise this is in NO RELATION TO YOU!!!!!! This is either going to be something like low testosterone or something psychological which again doesnt affect you because he had it before you came along.

Try talking to your dh and get him to explain his thoughts and feelings to the whole sex issue. Tell him you need to understand whats going on so you can support him throughout this tough time. Then build on it from there.

I hope i've helped? OH and i have an awesome sex life right around O but then it dies down, but i know whats going through his head so i know why it dies down.

PM if you want anymore info!!

 

[mrskcbrown]

Hope you dont mind a preggo chiming in but my DH had ED for a very long time. He would start but couldnt "finish". So the DR put him on Cialis. This worked well for my hubby. We TTC for 16 months, before BFP, and I think some of it may be stress too. Now that I am BFP, DH has no problems climaxing. Its a good thing your DR is trying out meds with him. I hope he gets better, because I know the need to have sex and TTC and how frustrating it can become!

Praying for you!

 

[sairycake]

We had this problem for around 6 months, it only started happening when we started TTC. DH said that as soon as we started getting intimate all he could think about was what we were doing it for! It got so bad that we stopped trying altogether as it was obvously making DH embarrassed, frustrated etc. I stopped talking about babies and TTC completely and eventually (on holiday after a few drinks!) we managed it no problems. Since then no problems at all, it was as though once DH realised he could do it he wasn't worried about it anymore! Hopefully it will all work out for you if you can both manage to get rid of the stress, easier said than done I know!

 

[Stash777]

My DH had the same problem..off and on, though. This is something he has dealt with before we even met. A lot of it is psychological, and we found it was much worse if he was thinking about it. We actually just took a break from BD, because I wasn't feeling it anymore. Since that break was about 8 months ago, and now our sex life is awesome! I think it helped take the stress off of him during that time, as we only cuddled and kissed and fooled around that way. He did start taking some supplements when we started BD again, and we haven't had any problems since then. Currently, he isn't taking anything...he said he just needed his confidence back

 

[nicb26]

I forgot to say, have you tried any supplements like horny goat weed? I'm not sure if it really works or not but could be worth a try. Its meant to stimulate blood supply down there!

 

[DJKaf]

Hi all,
this is quite an old thread but I thought i'd bump it up and see if anyone else is in this position at the moment. FH and I will TTC in April right after our wedding. He has erectile dysfunction. We literally have NO sex life. SO Im not too sure how we intend on having a baby but we want one soon. Its one of those frustrating things that for a long time I blamed myself, then I blamed him, then we broke up, then we got back together and accepted sex won't be a part of our marriage. He has been trying every supplement I can think of, horny goat weed, arganine, macca, testosterone boosting herbs. But nothing is working.
I was all set to be ovulating on our wedding night and was really hoping to conceive then as Im pretty sure he will make a real effort to get things going on that night. But now my period came early and I'm not going to be ovulating on my wedding night unless it goes back to its original track. very unlikely.
Is anyone else in this situation or TTC and DH has ED?

 

[pink_kitty]

Me!! and it gets so frustrating especially close to o time. I'm on meds to help me o and I can only stay on them so long. And just when we need to get the timing right, ED gets in the way! ARGH! My husband works a lot and I think mostly its just because he is tired. i know he feels terrible about it and then just becomes distracted by worrying he won't be able to "finish". I just get frustrated because no matter what I do to help us ttc, it ultimately relies on him. I don't think he wants to talk to the doctor about it and just when I think we've moved past it, we're back to square 1.

I'm sorry others are experiencing this, but it is good to know I'm not alone

 

[pandi77]

Okay so here goes...

As long as you feel like besides this ED issue you two are a solid couple and having a child is a mutual desire then I second a previous poster's recommendation of Cialis. It may or may no work depending on whether his issue is more physical or mental but it can't hurt! We tried a few other meds but they didn't work as well. Low testosterone is a major issue with sex drive for men even if they can perform but we found out it's not safe to use testosterone supplements while trying to conceive so we stuck with Cialis.

Here's the personal question sorry in advance. Does your partner have any issues with masterbation? If you both are anxious to start a family but the physical and emotional stress of ejaculation during sex is stalling then you can do iui at home. A friend had to do this as her dh enjoyed being intimate with her but due to some serious childhood trauma couldn't ejaculate during sex with her. Again sorry for the tmi but wanted to throw that out there. A lot of people have conceived this way and they have at home kits if you both are brave enough!

Good luck to you both and hoping you get your bfp!

 

[DJKaf]

nice to have someone else going through the same thing. Pink_kitty but I'm sorry too. its not nice.
For my FH it is purely physical (i think) he's had it a LONG time -before he met me. And viagra works really well with him, so thats an option. But he hasn't used it in 5 years. So hard to say if it still works. I don't want to ask him to take it so we can have a baby

He doesn't masterbate ever! So then yes he does have a problem with that too.

Its sometimes so frustrating, I wish he would take some responsibility and go to the dr and get some options. When he took viagra before we lived in a country you could buy it over the counter. Now we are back in a normal country where you need a dr prescription and he won't try anything