TTC and lost after ectopic

[musiclady1983]

I find myself sitting here many nights reading forums and articles trying to find other people that are struggling just like me so that perhaps, I will feel some legitimacy to my pain.

I feel like I lost my child twice. The first time was when I had what I thought was miscarriage, I passed the gestational sac and was devastated. I went in and the Dr. said that if I didn't stop bleeding in a few days they would do a D & C to prevent infections. I didn't stop bleeding and I went in for the D & C. They did an ultrasound first to make sure it was needed and that's when they saw something in my left fallopian tube. I wasn't in any pain which is what they would expect of an 8wks ectopic pregnancy. I was sent to the lab for blood work and sent home. Many frantic phone calls from the Dr. and I found out it was definitely ectopic, my HCG levels had gone from 890 a week prior to 3200. I was sent to the hospital and when they opened me up, they saw that I had ruptured and was bleeding internally. I lost my tube, my baby and my sense of what was right in the world.

Ever since then, I've been trying to continue living a normal life. It's. so. hard. Every time I shower or use the bathroom I'm reminded of what happened. My friends know about what happened but I'm embarrassed that I am not over this yet so I hold it in. I feel so incredibly lost and alone. We're TTC again and every time I get my period I feel over and over like a failure.

Please tell me this gets easier...

 

[sweetB]

Wow, what a heartbreaking story. Thanks for sharing it, I'm sure others have been through something similar. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. I can see why you'd feel like you lost your little one twice. When did all of this happen? Even if it was a while ago, its ok to still have tons of strong feelings about it. It is a loss and there is no right or wrong way to grieve after that..and there is no right or wrong amount of time to "get over it". It does get better over time, but there is no way to know how long that is, which is the tough part.

PS- What you said about being triggered by certain things reminded me of a part in a book I read after my mmc that talked about how to get over triggers. The book is called "Coping With Infertility, Miscarriage, and Neonatal Loss: Finding Perspective and Creating Meaning" by Amy Wenzel and it helped me a lot after my loss. If I could I'd send that book to everyone in this forum!

 

[musiclady1983]

It happened Oct. 1. And I know that there is no right or wrong amount of time. I'm just a very independent person and have always considered myself strong and this makes me feel weak. I feel like since I never got to see the baby or hear the heartbeat that the length of time I've been upset is ridiculous. I know it will get better, it's just some nights it really gets to me :/

 

[saveme]

I find myself sitting here many nights reading forums and articles trying to find other people that are struggling just like me so that perhaps, I will feel some legitimacy to my pain.

I feel like I lost my child twice. The first time was when I had what I thought was miscarriage, I passed the gestational sac and was devastated. I went in and the Dr. said that if I didn't stop bleeding in a few days they would do a D & C to prevent infections. I didn't stop bleeding and I went in for the D & C. They did an ultrasound first to make sure it was needed and that's when they saw something in my left fallopian tube. I wasn't in any pain which is what they would expect of an 8wks ectopic pregnancy. I was sent to the lab for blood work and sent home. Many frantic phone calls from the Dr. and I found out it was definitely ectopic, my HCG levels had gone from 890 a week prior to 3200. I was sent to the hospital and when they opened me up, they saw that I had ruptured and was bleeding internally. I lost my tube, my baby and my sense of what was right in the world.

Ever since then, I've been trying to continue living a normal life. It's. so. hard. Every time I shower or use the bathroom I'm reminded of what happened. My friends know about what happened but I'm embarrassed that I am not over this yet so I hold it in. I feel so incredibly lost and alone. We're TTC again and every time I get my period I feel over and over like a failure.

Please tell me this gets easier...

hi music lady- I have had 1miscarriage in '08 and 2ectopics one in 2010 and the other2013 now I didn't lose my tube but I can completely understand what you're going through especially feeling like a failure as a woman and a wife. And no matter what anyone told me it didn't change how I felt, until I decided to give it to God and allow him to take care of things that I could not control. For me the feeling of devastation got better but every single month I got my period it hit right at home I felt that loss every month. I became obsessed with reading forums and tracking ovulation my DH actually no longer wanted to be intimate with me because he knew it was a baby making thing. But with my last ectopic something changed I tunneled all that hurt and started working on me-spirit,mind and body. It just so happen that I was in the best shape of my life I had a great job as a nurse and btw a doctor I worked with suggested I start taking a baby aspirin everyday not for fertility purposes but I suffered from horrible migraines with vitamin B12 and literally one month straight I took those two things and.... I'm here to tell you after 10 years of this roller coaster of ttc I finally have been blessed with a daughter 6 weeks ago. I can tell you it will happen for you one day lots of women told me that and it would make me feel worse for some reason so I will tell you this, work on you do something everyday that makes you happy or at least try to, not sure if your beliefs but I would pray everyday. Whatever you decide just know that you still have a life to live and don't waste it on the negative stuff. I say keep trying for your little miracle but at the same time work on you and your happiness as well! Good luck and please keep your chin up a baby doesn't defy who you are as a woman

 

[Dollybird]

It does get easier I promise you. I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2012 - right when I came back from my honeymoon. Should've been the happiest time in my life and instead of that I felt the loneliest saddest person ever. I never lost a tube so I was incredibly lucky, but I did have methotrexate which meant we weren't allowed to ttc for 3 months. I was horrified of course but actually the forced three month break helped me come to terms with my loss and put me out of the ttc battle that can really wear you down. I did manage to conceive my son, and had him in 2013. I felt invincible after that. All my fears of miscarriage and loss forgotten. So when we decided to conceive no2 I went into it with blind faith, never believing that anything would go wrong. But it did.. I had a MMC at 9+5. Today I had a d&c. This felt much worse than my ectooic initially, I guess cause I'd been so blindsided by it. I was so hurt and mad.. How could this happen to me again.. Surely id had my share of heartache. I was mad at everyone.. And my faith in my belief, was rocked to its core. I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel this time. I felt I'd let everyone down, I felt like a failure. Id caused my family so much sadness and my husband and I hated that (although when I told them this they were horrified and told me to stop being so silly as I hadn't failed them). And yet, today I feel A bit better. I try and use bad experiences as a learning curve- no matter how much it hurts me, and yes it's cliche and it doesn't make it right or fair but I sometimes feel that things happen to us for a reason. Doesn't make me any less hurt or angry about it, but it helps me come to terms with it to see things that way. But that's maybe just me and my coping mechanism.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it will get better.. It takes time but you'll get there. Be kind to yourself, don't be ashamed. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. Cry, feel angry, do whatever it takes to get it out there. U will feel better for it. Rmemeber the things that used to make you happy before all this, and go back to that of you can. Spend time with your hubby, and maybe a ttc break would be beneficial - I found that bd'ing without the pressure of ttc really helped me and my relationship with my hubby.
You will get your rainbow. Have faith in that.
I don't know if any of that helps but it's my experience at least. Xxx

 

[musiclady1983]

Thank you for the response Dollybird. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. The hubs and I have been TTC the last 3 months but to no avail. He's going to be out of town for work for the next 12 weeks (we'll see each other on weekends but not during the week) so we will be taking a forced break. I think it will be for the best, to give us both some time to heal. I've actually started feeling better about it all with the pressure of TTC being taken off the table. I actually had a 6 year old kid who I teach piano ask me why I didn't have any kids and I answered him "Because God hasn't said yes yet." Guess I just have to wait for God's plan, which I have to have faith in, otherwise the world looks too bleak

 

[Dollybird]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm am so scared of what the future holds for me but I know I have to just trust in Gods plan for me or else I'll give up hope and that would just make me feel miserable. It's so crazy but I actually ended up googling (what would we do without Google lol) "why would God allow me to have two miscarriages". I was surprised at what I found, I guess I wasn't the only woman who had asked that question? And actually some of the answers there made a lot of sense and brought me comfort.
I'm glad the break is making you feel better, I thought it might. I'm going to wait for my next af before ttc again, which they said may take about 6 weeks. And although still desperate to be preggo I'm quite ok with the break. Gives me time to recover, and also to get my body into tip top condition for ttc again. Plus I can spend time with hubby and son, and Im gonna try and focus on my blessings and appreciate what I do have- I think id perhaps become a bit consumed by the pregnancy and lost sight of those things slightly.
Now it may be of no comfort to u, but after my ectopic I was referred to a fertility specialist and he said something to me that was quite reassuring. I'm not sure if you will find it too but I'll tell u anyways. He told me he was not too worried about me having any trouble concieving- yes although I would have a slightly increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, the good thing was is that I had managed go fall pregnant in the first place unassisted. And all that had happened was the egg hadn't made it to the right place.
Anyways, hope you are doing ok
I'm sure you will have your rainbow soon xxx