TTC & Fighting with Husband

[Goldie_123]

Hey all,

Maybe some of you have experienced this and can give me some advice...

A little background: DH and I have been ttc for 1.5 years (taking some time off here and there). He's a wonderful person and a loving husband but hes super defensive (about many things- not just ttc) and can be a hothead when he thinks he may be at "fault" for something (even after I tell him over and over he is not blamed for anything). His job is very stressful which affects our sex life and the only time he can perform is in the morning. I understand that this is frustrating and dishearting for him and I am very sensitive to his feelings and I don't pressure him about anything. He gets so angry at himself when this happens and I either just let him talk if he wants, I stay positive, and I am there for him while he processes his emotions. I'm not going to lie; sometimes this is verrry hard for me because if I show disappointment or frustration (at the situation, not him) I know it will make it that much worse and the few times I have, he gets so defensive and instead of being there for me it ends in some fight. We still have sex on the days we need to so- there could very well be something going on with me that makes it hard to concieve and I often silently blame myself. Regardless of whose "issue" it is- it doesn't matter. We're a couple; it's OUR issue. But I feel very alone in this because I feel like I'm his support system and that he is not mine because he is so damn defensive. It makes it feel like EVERYTHING is about him. I'm tired of always being patient and there for him when I want to scream that we are in the same boat but ON TOP OF TTC I have to tend to YOURfeelings and moods. Sounds mean, but I really feel like he only thinks of himself.
Anyways, today, after peeing on the stupid stick, like month after month,and making notes in my fertility app, like month after month, I started to feel down and I thought about all our friends who have had babies (most of them without trying) since we started TTC. I said to him, "can you believe that 7 of our friends have gotten pregnant since we started?" He says that he just got a text this morning that our other friends are pregnant. I've held it together for the past 1.5 years throughout everyones pregnancies, throughout baby showers, throughout literally holding a negative test in one hand, and a ringing phone in the other and it's my friend calling to tell me she's pregnant. I am happy for them all, but today I couldn't hold it together anymore. I started crying and saying how frustrated I was and he just shut me out. He said, annoyed, that I shouldn't be competitive with our friends (he has gotten dismayed about our friends conceiving much more than I have - this is my first time saying anything!) and I said I just wanted him to be there. Really, I just wanted him to hold me and listen as I have done for him SO MANY times. I sat on the bed crying as he ran away and jumped in the shower. I express emotion about this so rarely and he can't be bothered. It escalated into a fight, of course, and now he says he doesn't want to have a baby. I have put a year and a half into TTC and dealing with his feelings and his issues, I do all the charting and peeing on sticks and quitting smoking and doctor visits and ALL of these things and now he says he doesn't want to have a baby? Because I asked him to be there for me for ONE day?? I get that seeing me upset makes him feel defensive and angry that he's not giving us a baby but get over it! I feel the same way when I see him upset but I don't act like a child about it! When he does this he makes it all about himself. I am so upset I could scream - and have into a pillow very many times today. It takes so much less energy to provide a little compassion rather than wage a huge fight. I feel like I'm taking this all on myself and that whenever I stand up for my feelings we just go around and around in circles because he won't JUST BE NICE. Why is it so hard for him and why can't we be a supportive team dealing with a difficult issue rather than warring spouses? Is this all I am to expect in our marriage? Has anyone dealt with something similar?

If you made it to the end- thank you. I know I wrote a novel, here- it just felt good to get it all out.

 

[leslie405]

Im sorry about how you are feeling. I am sure your DH just said it out of frusteration. We are also TTC and it can be very frusterating. One of my close friends were trying for a while, everyone around them was getting pregnant except them. They took a break from trying eventually but then got pregnant. Try to stay positive.

 

[baby_rose]

Goldie i hear u, i have a very cold hubby too sometimes its the way they are raised they dont know how to show emotional support they'd rather walk outa the room than see us cry (me for other issues dysfunctional immediate family) you sound like a person with a big heart as myself i can tellu love him very much but it's also taking a toll on u, sadly men do need women for different reasons my hubby lost his world (his mother) the year i met him it takes for me to have to explain certain things 5 times before he gets it, maybr ur hubby feels just as disappointed but wont nag about it, ive also experienced the turnoff part for men even if at one point he wanted a baby like mine he doesnt wanna see the opks or supplements lol guess it ruins sex for some men, girl keep ur head u. He pprobably said it in an angry moment, ive Been ttc for 9 cycles already its hard i know and very emotionally draining try taking ur mind off things a little although im still taking my sups and opks and temping this month im going back to being me the person before the ttc which i hope helps with stress i hope u can get a breather also im all ears for u if u wanna vent: )

 

[Mommabrown]

Oh hun...i know there are many girls who are going through the same problem. Mine isn't a hot head but more or less just indecisive. We have been at it for a year as well and had a MC in may. It isn't like we can just get pregnant when we want right! So my DH has went on and off again as well many times and I am just getting sick of the back and forth. He says he feels pressured and stressed so maybe it's causing your DH more issues as well to deal with the month after month of failure. Hang in there. We are all here for you.

 

[slg76]

I'm sorry! TTC is so stressful and it puts a strain on any relationship when there is a fertility problem. I imagine that adding the stress, embarrassment of performance problems would make it 10 times harder. It sounds like your hubby has some of his own issues to work out. Would he consider some counseling? I'm sure he said he didn't want a baby out of frustration and will come back around. I would say that it's definitely time to see a doctor and figure out what is going on. I hope it's an easy fix and you find yourself pregnant very soon!

 

[spa]

Hi Hun,
I am sorry you are having such a rough time. TTC can be hard on any relationship. Do you think talking with your husband about you feelings at a nuetral time will help? Not when either of you are frustated or angry but some other time when u are having fun on a date night or something? Some people just dont know how to deal with other persons emotions and just clam up which can be very frustating. I wish I can offer some more help and advice but I wish you luck and lots of baby dust!!