TTC on a wing and a prayer?

[BBgirl]

hey girls. I am struggling today. I swing between reading statistics that fill me with despair, then reading about prayer and creative visualization that fill me with hope. I am trying to feel hope as I am trying to fool my hormones, when deep at my core there is such deep despair. How could it have come to this? 41, nearly 42, 2 miscarriages, so desperate to hold my baby in my arms. Christmas 2008, miscarriage at 11 weeks after seeing baby's heartbeat, Christmas 2009, miscarriage at 8 weeks, Christmas 2010, do I dare hope? Since I was a child I always believed I would be a mummy, and I wanted it more than anything else in the world. How did meeting the wrong men at the right time and meeting the right man at the wrong time ever get in the way? How could I have put off conceiving for 20 months in the last 3 years because I was taking anti-depressants, even when that drug isn't even known to be harmful to the foetus? Did my fear of a future over which I have no control get in the way of me ever holding my own baby? When does fear end and joy begin? I am struggling to find peace in any shape or form because I blame myself for delays that only arose because of my fear. TTC with Clearblue OPK, Preseed, epo, legs up, lovelight in my eyes, silent tears in my heart, a wing and a prayer. Just had my AF and I howl every time she comes. But you too are all in my thoughts and prayers, every day x

 

[FBbaby]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this but please, don't blame yourself. We just don't know what it is like to struggle to fall pregnant until you are actually struggling. When I started ttc with my partner, I had it in my mind that it might take up to 6 months because I was 38 at the time. It didn't believe for a second that it might happen right away or that it will turn out to be a massive struggle. Both happened, I fell pg first month ttc, couldn't believe it, then I miscarried. Everybody told me i would fall pregnant quickly again, and I hang on to that. 20 months later and it still hasn't happened. I am now 40 and suddenly, it means something totally different. My grand ma fell pregnant with my mum (her first and clearly only!) when she was 45, my mum fell pregnant with my sister at 42 after only 4 months ntnp, so in my head, age wasn't an issue. Now I know different and turning 40 felt like turning 60!

In the end, we can't turn back the clock. If my pregnancy had progressed properly, I would have thought we were super fertile, yet the reality is that either of us are, but in the land of randomness, everything happens. You actually did the right thing putting ttc on hold whilst your were on antidepressants because raising a child is very difficult time and I can't imagine what it must be like to do it whilst depressed. You looked after yourself so you could looked after your baby, that is a very caring thing to do.

I am crossing my fingers for you that your time is coming up soon and all will be well. There are so many posters here who went through hell and back and finally see the light shine. Don't give up believing and take care of yourself.

 

[seoj]

Ah hun... I'm so sorry TTC has been such a struggle for you. Certainly don't blame yourself. We could all finds ways to make it about what we should have done or could have done had we known... but that is just life. We do our best given the information we have and what was right for us then, and now.

I wish there was a magic wand to make all our baby dreams come true... but the closest thing we have is hope. The power of the mind and all that.

I hope you find the serenity you need and are blessed with the baby you deserve soon.

Best of luck and loads of good ju ju hun!!!