two kids two different dads

[Jessica60]

Hi. I have a son nearly two. I don't live with his dad. My sons dad lives overseas, they skype occasionally and he sees him approx 5 to 6 times a year.
Problem is im planning baby number two. Baby number two will probably end up seeing its dad more often. What is it like for two siblings growing up with two different dads?
Is it selfish to have another child as my first may feel left out or jealous if number two gets more attention from their dad?

Anyone had any experience of this?

Should I just be grateful for my son and not have another in order to make sure he doesn't get hurt or upset of number two having a better relationship with their dad?

 

[CandyDay]

Will your 2 year old not get attention from your current SO? Hard to answer your poll when you didn't say anything about your current situation with whom ever will be the "new dad" Are you living with the man and will he be involved in your 2 year olds life as well? Or will he only be involved with your second child?

 

[Noodlebear]

You shouldn't let the fact that they'll have different dads and won't see them equally be the deciding factor. That's completely out of your control and there are plenty of women on here who have had children with men who have turned out to be dead beats - you wouldn't expect them to not have more kids purely because the dad of their first was a loser. If I split with OH my decision would be based on my new partner rather than the situation with my ex. Obviously I'd have to trust him etc but if I didn't think he could treat my son the same way as he'd treat our baby we wouldn't have another.
Your eldest might get jealous of not having their dad around all the time and your youngest might be jealous of the fact that their brother has 2 dads (Your post did confuse me a bit though because you worded it like you're not going to be with the father?). There will be sibling rivalry no matter what, you've just got to decide how to deal with it.

 

[kerrie24]

Im a bit confused,do you have a partner that you are planning on getting pregnant with?Just the way you say baby no 2 would 'probably'see more of their father?

 

[Baby France]

I agree with the other ladies in regards to more info.

I'm not suggesting you are but circumstances deciding.....

You have a baby with a guy you've been with for awhile and envisage having a continued relationship with....why the hell not. It would be good for all children involved to see a 'healthy relationship'.

Some randomer that you feel will see your child more due to where he lives. Not ideal, but if the intentions of above are there....the future isn't always foreseeable!!

You want a baby, for wanting a baby sake... you need to be able to put the needs of any child above your own and need to look at what your baby would get from this situation MORE than what you would get!!

limited responses really!

 

[heidi87814]

If you want another child and can provide it with a warm, stable and loving environment, that should be all that matters.

I have 2 children who are not biologically mine. My daughter is actually my niece: I've raised her since she was a baby, and while she's aware that my brother is her biological father, my hubby and I have adopted her as our own. My son is actually my stepson - He's hubby's from a previous relationship. Biological mother isn't really on the scene so I'm the mother figure in his life. Now hubby and I are about to have our first biological child together and the kids couldn't be happier. We're a strong, close-knit family and, in spite of the fact that my daughter doesn't live with her biological parents and my son rarely sees his biological mother, it's okay.

My point is that families come in all shapes and sizes these days and while it can be tough for kids who don't see certain parents very often, that strength they have from who they live with more often it what matters. If you can give that to both your kids, that's what's important.

Like the other ladies, I'm a little curious too about what you mean by "Baby number two will probably end up seeing its dad more often". Is this a friend or someone you're planning to have a baby with?

 

[lhancock90]

I agree with the other ladies in regards to more info.

I'm not suggesting you are but circumstances deciding.....

You have a baby with a guy you've been with for awhile and envisage having a continued relationship with....why the hell not. It would be good for all children involved to see a 'healthy relationship'.

Some randomer that you feel will see your child more due to where he lives. Not ideal, but if the intentions of above are there....the future isn't always foreseeable!!

You want a baby, for wanting a baby sake... you need to be able to put the needs of any child above your own and need to look at what your baby would get from this situation MORE than what you would get!!

limited responses really!

Everything BF said! x

 

[Jessica60]

Thank you for all your wonderful responses. Its a long story but yes baby number two will be conceived with the help of a friend. Neither children will live with their fathers. I am more than able to provide for them financially and have lots of family who provide so much love and support. With two different dads I just fear the day one may get more attention than the other and will feel so bad that they may get upset.

 

[mummy2o]

I've just had my second child (2 months ago) and my son who is 7 see his dad every other weekend. It doesn't bother him that his sister sees her dad all the time. He's happy as things are. He does prefer my OH over his dad though, but I think that is because OH and him have similar interests, were his dad had no idea at times.

 

[stephx]

I was in this exact situation (never saw my dad, half sister regulaly did) and I hated it! Caused massive resentment between us.

Personally I would wait to find a partner that would be a step dad to your oldest LO and then have a new baby, that's just me though

 

[lhancock90]

I think i'd wait to meet someone new and start a family with them and that way they will also be a father figure to your current LO?

 

[Noodlebear]

After seeing that you're planning on having your baby with a friend I'm not so sure but that's because of my own feelings about what a baby deserves/should be born into.

 

[seoj]

Personally, I don't see any issue with it. I know plenty of people with mixed families (it's very common)... I have a step-daugther who I help raise full time with my Hubby (he's had full custody since she was 2yrs). She's only had minimal visitation with her mom since then.

We are very close- and I look at her as my kid (not my Step Kid). She's my first daughter- and she adores her little sister. It's pretty great to see actually

For us- I think the only thing my oldest has resentment towards is her bio-mom. Because of the things she did to her over the years- because she was an absent parent who didn't try- and because my oldest was more the parent in that relationship. So seeing how a Mom/Dad/Child relationship *should* be- and knowing her Mom didn't step up like she should have- for sure, I know that has hurt her over the years. But she also knows how lucky she is to have us as her parents and her sister- and she's one of THE most well adjusted, loving, sweet, self assured kids I know. Guess she's not really a kid anymore- she's almost 17

 

[seoj]

Sorry- I did miss the part about you having a child on your own with the help of your friend-- (oops).

I won't say you should or shouldn't- tbh-- I do think "ideally", it's great for kids to have 2 parents in the same home- but, as we all know- life doesn't always work out as planned. Even if you did meet someone, fall in love and start a family together- there's no guarantee it will last forever. So I think you just need to do what feels right for you in your situation. Part of me says "wait" - you could meet someone... but, at the same time, what if you did and you didn't find someone till it was too late and regreted not having another child.

I guess, I'm no real help. Sorry. I think it's just such a personally choice- but if you have family/friends support- and your financially stable and ready to give all you have to 2 kids... why not right? There are plenty of single Mom's out there kicking parenting A$$ (ex support or not).

 

[Kate&Lucas]

I think if you're so unsure that you're basing your decision on the results of an online poll I'm going to say no, it's probably not a wise idea. As good as it might seem to conceive with a friend, you never know what's around the corner and it'd be a shame if you met someone in the future and realise you wish you'd waited.

 

[SerenityNow]

I can see why you are concerned about this. I'm hyper aware of my kids being treated equally. I think It is a bigger deal to me than it is to them.

As far as having a baby with someone you are not in a relationship with-- only you know your reasons. I'm pushing 40 and I know several single women who have had babies via IUI or some other less formal arrangement for a variety of reasons. Waiting isn't an option for everyone. And some of them are gay, so even if they do meet their life-long partner conceiving a baby with them won't happen!

 

[Jessica60]

I can see why you are concerned about this. I'm hyper aware of my kids being treated equally. I think It is a bigger deal to me than it is to them.

As far as having a baby with someone you are not in a relationship with-- only you know your reasons. I'm pushing 40 and I know several single women who have had babies via IUI or some other less formal arrangement for a variety of reasons. Waiting isn't an option for everyone. And some of them are gay, so even if they do meet their life-long partner conceiving a baby with them won't happen!

Thank you. Yes I am nearly forty and I may not even be able to conceive number two. Number one took a few months.