Ugh!! No, Grrr! ~ First AF since Emma

[kam78]

OK, I sooo knew this day way coming, even last few days I just knew...

Feeling the normal grouchiness & crampy junk starting , BUT still doesn't make this day any easier ... I am not happy with my body at the moment .. I am NOT suppose to be seeing or having this crap until September..... Guess it makes everything so final , like now my body is saying "oh well, on with the show..." ... "Move along Kelly & hurry up with it.." ... That's how I'm feeling & thinking .... Also, another blow to the ol' noggin & gut ... So since I got my first AF, now this Sunday I take my first dose of bill control ... Yep, starting the pill ... (FOR NOW!) ... We talked and we want to give my stupid body time to heal & make sure we give my stupid cervix time to strengthen ..I know know know this is the smartest move for us but still doesn't feel good... : ( Why can't we just make this all go away & tuck lil Emma back into my tummy, safe & sound... That's where she belongs ... ♥

Thanks Girls!!! ~ Xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I felt horrible when my AF came on April 10th it made is so final for me too
Do what you feel is right and if the healing process is right then so be it. I wish things for Ava also, i can't believe how much i think of her, Kelly.
I am so sorry we are going through this nightmare.
All My Love

 

[jojo23]

awe i know how you feel hun its so difficult having the first one... esp when theyre different to what you had before its such an uncertain time!! think your doing the right thing for yourself going back on the pill for a little while and at least it will regulate your cycle again also. i had mixed emotions with first AF so sad that it was the end of everything but happy that I could maybe TTC again also. hope its easy for you hun if u need a chat you know where i amxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[kam78]

Feeling very alone today .... Just can't fake it ...

I am beginning to hate the fact that I feel like I have to fake it around my own family... My friends & everyone on this site is so kind & I never feel judged or guarded ... but with my OH and children .. I HAVE to put on this smile & function as normal, like it's "been long enough" ... I am probably reading too much or coming up with these crazy thoughts and feelings all on my own BUT they are mine unfortuantely and posting them on here is as far as they will go ....

I am so completely thankful for this site... I don't know how I'd be doing if I didn't have this lil release .. Just longing to have that kind of openess with my OH ... He is an amazing man, and I love him so much but he's the type of person that doesn't like to talk about anything , let alone something major like this ... So, I can't even to tell you when is the last time we have talked about Emma or anything to do with the situation ...

Another thing, he is JUST like his parents... To be honest, I don't know them all that well, we have been together for 2 1/2 yrs and we really don't see them much, but since Emma, they stop in periodically to check on me, like I'm some kind of freak show... That's how I feel ... I just listen to their advice, never talking or telling them how I feel cuz omg, that would be hilarious... I could see the look on their faces .. They are super sweet ppl & I truly do care for them, just hate their visits anymore .. His dad just popped in to see how I was doing .. Well of course, Not well today .. BUT I flashed the biggest smile, played hostess, and pretended like it was just another day .... HATE IT ... I feel like I have been taking HUGE strides in the right way until today .... Feels like day 1 all over again ....

Just very frustrated .... And girls, thank you sooooo much! You are MY angels ...

 

[Mellybelle]

sometimes I just wanna scream when some says "How are you?". What a stupid question. I dont want anyone to 'help me get over it'. I want to mourn the loss of my child and I want everyone else to mourn the loss of my child too. Take as much time to heal as you need. Not get over it.

 

[djw47]

You said it best! I was SO angry that EVERYONE else in my family from my (then 7 year old) daughter, to my husband, to my mother, all seemed to stop mourning after I came home from the hospital, like now that the baby was not in me, it was time to move on with life. I think for my daughter she is so young that she just bounced back as kids do, my mother said dumb things like I'm young and can try again and I should be thankful for the 2 healthy kids I have, and my husband I think just wanted to be strong for me but damn it if I didn't just want SOMEONE to cry with me! to you all and I hope someday it will get easier

 

[Mellybelle]

We are are organising a cremation and service for our angel. Just got back karyotyping results yesterday. Baby was a little girl with no chromosomal abnormalities. I will make my family mourn with me an accept that she once lived. Its not just my loss, she's a grandaughter, a niece, a sister, a cousin.

 

[Andypanda6570]

Feeling very alone today .... Just can't fake it ...

I am beginning to hate the fact that I feel like I have to fake it around my own family... My friends & everyone on this site is so kind & I never feel judged or guarded ... but with my OH and children .. I HAVE to put on this smile & function as normal, like it's "been long enough" ... I am probably reading too much or coming up with these crazy thoughts and feelings all on my own BUT they are mine unfortuantely and posting them on here is as far as they will go ....

I am so completely thankful for this site... I don't know how I'd be doing if I didn't have this lil release .. Just longing to have that kind of openess with my OH ... He is an amazing man, and I love him so much but he's the type of person that doesn't like to talk about anything , let alone something major like this ... So, I can't even to tell you when is the last time we have talked about Emma or anything to do with the situation ...

Another thing, he is JUST like his parents... To be honest, I don't know them all that well, we have been together for 2 1/2 yrs and we really don't see them much, but since Emma, they stop in periodically to check on me, like I'm some kind of freak show... That's how I feel ... I just listen to their advice, never talking or telling them how I feel cuz omg, that would be hilarious... I could see the look on their faces .. They are super sweet ppl & I truly do care for them, just hate their visits anymore .. His dad just popped in to see how I was doing .. Well of course, Not well today .. BUT I flashed the biggest smile, played hostess, and pretended like it was just another day .... HATE IT ... I feel like I have been taking HUGE strides in the right way until today .... Feels like day 1 all over again ....

Just very frustrated .... And girls, thank you sooooo much! You are MY angels ...

Kelly,
You are NOT being fake you are being strong for them. I was not able to be like that I cried all day and night my two big sons 20 and 17 handled it ok but my 11 year old was a mess seeing me like that and I realized I had to hold it in around him cause it was really starting to effect him bad He would say mommy please don't cry my heart is breaking for you, he would say mommy lets go out and enjoy the sun when really I could not wait for the darkness to come, I hated the sun. Finally his teacher called me and said is something going on with Anthony, I said why, she said he is so sad I can't even tell you how that broke my heart he sat by my side and just watched my tears after that i stopped and would never cry in front of him anymore, he knows I am still hurting but he has gotten better now that he sees I am ok, I am really not ok but I can't make my pain his pain. So you see kelly what you are is a great mom not a fake.xoxoxoxoxo

 

[Mellybelle]

I guess we all have to be a bit fake, especially for our children. I wish others would understand that just because we smile or have one good day that we are all better. We arent getting over a bad flu!