Uncontrollable Anxiety - Need Advice!!

[allislove]

Hello all,

I am new to this group and a little scared to admit what I am going through. I am almost to 6 weeks and just found out last week that I was pregnant. My husband and I TTC for 5 years, even going through IVF and failing miserably (I barely produced any eggs, and after the transfer there were none left to try again). I had horrible, horrible anxiety through IVF where I would shake and cry and think really dark thoughts and so we decided after that, the fertility treatments were not our path because it was too hard on me mentally and that we would adopt.

After IVF 2 years ago, my anxiety never fully turned around and I have been struggling with it and medicated for it for about two years now. I get severe anxiety attacks where I get physically sick and won't sleep. I go to therapy, take 1 mg of clonazapam (kilonipin) as needed to help me sleep because many of my attacks are at night. I am not PRO drugs by any means, so I do my best to exercise, eat well, and fight this as much as possible. My doctor has tried repeatedly to put me on antidepressants and I have always said no because I don't really believe in them.

Jump to a week and a half ago. My husband and I just bought a house in November. We had completely let go of getting pregnant on our own and were actually just enjoying our lives as it were. We've been traveling a lot and just living. Once the idea of the crunch time to try and conceive is out of your head, and really out of your head, you do start to relax. And what do you know? I'm pregnant!! Along with 3 close friends!!

I had felt exhausted for a week and thought I was just working too much and after finding out I still felt exhausted.. had no problem sleeping.. no anxiety.. so I thought, maybe the energy it is taking to make this baby will outweigh the anxiety and I will be ok. So I weened myself off of clonazapam for 2 days and then got off. First night was fine, then pregnancy symptoms started to really kick in. I have crazy nausea in the morning and from about 5pm on..

Also, I don't know what is happening to me, but my anxiety levels are out of control. I can't sleep and have not slept in 4 days. I am freaked out about everything. I have nothing but negative thoughts, my breathing is shortened, I cry, I can't concentrate, I feel this overwhelming trapped feeling.. it is truly frightening. I simply cannot calm down. My hands shake. It feels just like IVF in that the hormones are really messing with my brain chemistry not to mention my uncontrollable fear of everything!

So yesterday, I begged for the ob/gyn to take me in early. If you have ever had an anxiety attack for days, you feel like you will break. You feel like you will have a nervous breakdown if something doesn't change. Of course I can't get in early, and because I have not seen the doctor yet she can't give me advice by phone. I called my psychiatrist to ask if there was anything safe I could take because I am scared that all of this stress is hurting the baby but I am also scared of hurting myself. She said I had to go through the ob/gyn.

Last night I cried, and cried. I feel so upset with myself because I have wanted this for so long but I can't control my brain. I can't calm down. I am petrified that it will be this way for 9 months and I won't make it or the baby won't make it.

I am ashamed to admit that I took half a dosage of clonazapam last night because I didn't know what else to do. I had walked, done yoga, done meditation. It of course, immediately calmed me down and I got a full night's sleep but I now I can't do this again!!! I feel horrible that I put our baby at risk but I thought I might end up in the emergency room with the anxiety attack. After taking it I listened to hypnobaby and felt the most peaceful I have felt in awhile. I pray that tonight I will do the same, but without the dosage of medication and I won't breakdown. I just breakdown every night.. Am I alone is this?? Do the hormones not affect anyone else this way??

Please if anyone can give me advice or some positivity I would really appreciate it. Please no negatives, or judgement. I can't bear it. I have wanted a baby for so long and feel so sad that my anxiety, fear, and brain chemistry are fighting against me like this when all I have ever wanted is this.

Also, I took Unisom and it did absolutely nothing.

 

[whigfield]

Is it a fear of miscarriage that is driving your anxiety, or fears of experiencing the different things that pregnancy can bring?



I think you should speak to your doctor asap to explain how you're feeling, and possibly look into some counselling whilst you're feeling like that, so you can let it all out and have someone reassure you and listen.

After 5 years of TTC and IVF I'm not surprised you have anxiety. But you've wanted this for 5 years. You've finally got this, and from the sounds of it, you're having strong, wonderful symptoms. How far along are you? Are you due any scans soon? Have you had any bloods done to reassure yourself that the levels are rising? If not, could you buy some cheap HPTs and reassure yourself daily by taking one to see a line?

I really feel for you and can relate. I don't really know what I can advise except to talk to your doctor. I often try to read inspiring/realistic comments from girls on the first tri board: "Today you are pregnant. Don't worry about tomorrow." but I doubt that would help given the level of your anxiety.

I really hope you feel better soon.

 

[Darlin65]

You should be able to call your ob or mw and speak with the nurse on call. Explain the situation and they are certain anti depressants they can give you. I take anxiety meds usually but I can't take them while pg There are very few they can give and it's the ones which I can't have any of because I've tried and bad had reactions to. They should be able to get you set up with something.

 

[The1butterfly]

I'm with you! I've had panic disorder for five years- the week before this one I had massive panic issues, which were made much worse worrying that I couldn't have clonazepam (which I also take 1 mg as needed). I did take a dose early in the week (I met with an ob doctor prior to getting pregnant and she said to avoid, but that I could take if necessary- like once a week). This past week I met with my psychiatrist- I was on 20 mg of Prozac a day (approved by ob), and she suggested upping it to 30. It seems to have really helped, but I also had a friend around, which might also have helped. You might want to give an ssri a try- that might be a big help preventing panic attacks (I really didn't want to, but now that I've found one that works for me- Paxil and celexa had too many side effects- I'm glad I did). If your current psychiatrist won't work with you, do some research to find a psychiatrist who will listen to you and talk to you about side effects and adjusting (when I first started Prozac I was worse for a couple of weeks). Ssris aren't perfect, but they are better for baby than clonazepam.

It also sounds like you have a lot of coping mechanisms already, but I'll share my personal favorite: Plants vs Zombies 1. I play this game on the ipad or phone, and it's a big help for me because it's engaging enough that I'm often able to stop thinking about my body and calm down. I've also had some success recently with tapping (eft). Look it up on YouTube- there are videos that explain it and a "right now" video for during a panic attack.

I know how awful it can be- let me know if any of this helps (or if something else helps- I can always use extra strategies).