Unsupportive family

[Megamegan]

I'm only in my 7th week of pregnancy but already thinking about natural birth, probably water birth if I'm allowed. I'm doing a lot of research. My mom and sister are NOT supportive of me. I told them I want to hire a doula and they said "No, you don't want to do that." I told them I was looking into home birth (before I figured out that my hospital is amazing and every room has a whirlpool bath tub which you can deliver in!) and my mom immediately dismissed it. And my husband doesn't think I have a chance of going unmedicated. It's like no one believes I know what I'm talking about, or believes I am strong enough for this. I did have hubby watch The Business of Being Born and I think that helped a little.

Did anyone else have these problems? If they don't come around, I won't want them in the room while I'm laboring (which... I do, because I will want my mom's support at the least) and I feel that I really NEED their support to be successful at this!

 

[MindUtopia]

I would say just do your research and feel really comfortable that you're making the right decision for yourself, tell them that, and ignore anything they say. You might also want to explain to your mom how important it is that you have her support because you want her there with you when you give birth, but that you don't feel like you could if you feel she isn't supportive because you need people who are going to support you and be positive about your choices when you're giving birth. I can't stress how important this is. If there is someone in the room doubting you and being negative, it will affect you. If she won't support you, I'd not ask her to be there on the day. And yes, get a doula. The one thing a doula is really good at is acting as a buffer between you and other people who might interfere with your birth. Also, a strong, positive, supportive doula can do a lot to change the atmosphere in the room and help people who were being negative see everything in a different light.

The main thing is to stand your ground and believe in yourself and what you plan to do and go ahead believing it's the right thing for you. One thing you'll soon realize is that once you become a parent EVERYONE will have an opinion about what you're doing. It's good practice for deflecting any negativity and trusting your instinct about what you want to do for your family. I had a completely natural home birth with my first baby. It was wonderful and I couldn't have imagined doing anything differently. Fortunately, I didn't get much negativity about it because I have a lot of friends who've had home births and there have been several home births in our family. So it wasn't that crazy sounding to everyone. But I have gotten negativity about our parenting choices (in terms of co-sleeping, babywearing, baby-led weaning, etc.) and have gotten some snarky comments. You just deflect the conversation and try not to take it too personally. When it all goes beautifully, they'll eat their words. Our family is really positive about our parenting choices now that they've seen what a lovely little girl we have as a result.

 

[smallpeanut]

It's only you giving birth so you only need yourself to believe in you. Do what YOU want to do Hun. In laws were dead against it. So was oh. They hate the fact oh now advocates it x

 

[Megamegan]

Thank you ladies, good advice

 

[Lizzybee]

If anything their attitude will make you more stubborn about doing it and therefore more confident. So that in its self may make them come round!!! Good luck hope it goes well.

 

[lynnikins]

Having had both hospital and home births and all natural labours though one assisted delivery then I found its best to do the research and talk to those who you want there about it, if you need to get your Mom and sister to sit and talk with you and your Doula about it and they might well come around, most people make their opinions on natural and homebirth with a limited picture and often incorrect assumptions about what it all is actually about. My husband didnt like the idea for our first and not for our second because of the complications with our firstborn's birth but after my huge hours of researching for ds3 and showing him the research that convinced me then he actually was the only one there besides me when ds3 arrived ( not intentionally but failed by the local services ) and after that he wouldnt hear of me considering birthing ds4 in hospital and won't for this one without overwhelming medical evidence that it would be the safest option for us.

 

[Megamegan]

Thanks Lynnikins. I asked my mom about her birth experiences the other day. I think part of the reason she is scared of home birth is because she had a really rough time giving birth. She has a full septum, so she wasn't able to birth naturally, but they doctors didn't realize this at the time. So they made her labor for 2 1/2 days before finally doing a c-section. Then with my sister, she planned the c-section but went into labor naturally, ended up doing the surgery and lost so much blood that she barely survived- and couldn't get a blood transfusion because a nurse slipped her a word to not take the blood for fear of AIDS... in the 1980's they didn't have much screening for it yet so my mom had to stay 4 days in the hospital while her blood regenerated. THEN, my sister was giving birth to her daughter, and she was crowning for too long so they made her have an emergency c-section. So you can imagine why my mom and sister think you absolutely have to be in the hospital. In my opinion, had my sister been on hands and knees or had prepared herself and educated herself more, she would have been able to give birth naturally.

Then my mom told me she didn't want me to have a doula because a "doctor" should be the one delivering the baby. I said, mom, this isn't about who catches my baby, this is about someone helping me through labor. Lol. If a doctor happens to be there, he can get the baby, I don't really care at this point. I just want someone to talk me through labor who knows what they are talking about.

So I think we got somewhere with that conversation and as the birth time nears, I'll make them more aware of what I want/need. They will be shocked when it all goes well and it turns out I didn't need all the things they thought I needed. My mom is very controlling and I can imagine it now... but I'm gonna really do my best to stick to my guns. That's why I want a doula.

 

[Lizzybee]

Good for you megamegan. Lynnikins gives good advice. I wanted a home birth and took my stepdaughter to an info session. DH couldn't get there due to work. She really benefitted from it and was able to help me on the day and understood what was happening when the midwives and kit arrived. I took DH to meet my midwife and she explained lots of things to him. Even though he thought (and acted like) he knew things he was more comfortable once he'd talked to her. This made me relax too.

 

[lynnikins]

Doctors are trained in dealing with complicated births not simple easy ones they are often all about looking out for any possible issue and doing things needlessly to "prevent" complications that have a slim to nothing chance of happening anyway. I for one would rather have a qualified MW who has been there for thousands of uncomplicated natural deliveries than an OB whos only seen a handful because they normally take things into their own hands and complicate things.

There is a time and a place for Doctors in birth but these should be the exception not the norm as Childbirth in essence is a simple process which if left alone the body can do 100% unassisted. if it truely was as complicated as Doctors and specilists make out then the Human race would of gone extinct a long time ago because there were none of these specialists to "be in control" of the women in labour

 

[Darlingbump2]

I say, it is your birth and you make the final decision as to where, how and whom will be with you at it. It is really unfair for you to be having this kind of worry so early in your pregnancy.

Make sure you research and ask your doula/midwife any questions you have. Be firm with your family about your birthing choices and I hope them come around soon.

You'd be surprised how often daddy's-to-be end up bringing the little one into the world

 

[CandyDay]

I had a doula for my second and I gave birth in a hospital. Here the doula doesn't deliver the baby a doctor or midwife does that. The doula helps in helping you to advocate for yourself. She helps you to remember what it is that you wanted for giving birth and helps to keep you on track for getting your needs met. They help you to know different options for giving birth and you decide and let her know what your goals are and they help to get you there.
You can have a doula and give birth in a hospital if that is more comfortable for you then staying at home.
You need to decide for yourself what you want and then let your mom and sister know what you want. Tell them that they need to either support you or you won't want them there when you give birth.

 

[Feronia]

You definitely do NOT want someone at your birth who is going to be unsupportive. I made that mistake! I had a home birth, and my mom (who is very pro hospital, OB, medical management of birth, etc.) invited herself there. Actually, we agreed she would leave when I went into labour, but when the time came, she didn’t leave. She then kept asking me whether we should transfer to the hospital when I was doing just fine. I should have put my foot down sooner, because she tried her absolute best to ruin my birth, and my midwife had to kick her out. Thankfully I ended up having a lovely birth at home anyway!

Doulas are awesome, get one if you can, and surround yourself with loving, supportive people who believe in you. You’re much more likely to have a pleasant experience that way!

And home births are absolutely amazing, even if the hospital is set up with a whirlpool. The comfort of being in your own space is priceless.

 

[Alyssa Drough]

When the time comes she needs to respect your wishes and keep her opinions to herself if she's gonna be in the delivery room with you. I get that she's scared because of what she went through but at the time you'll want someone who'll reassure you, tell you how great you're doing and helping you get through it in a calm and relaxed way.

As for OH - I just don't think men get it sometimes. My husband couldn't understand why I wanted no pain relief. He kept saying the drugs are there so you don't have to go through the pain, so why wouldn't you take them?! I still can't properly explain what a natural birth meant to me, and he still can't understand why I didn't take the pain relief when it's so readily available.

 

[suiteflower]

Do what's best for you. I can't for the life of me understand why people are so bothered by the decisions of a mother when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. It's your body and no one knows it better than you. You have a natural instinct to do what's best for your child, so don't let fear or the expectations of others make you change your mind because you will regret it. Live for you and not others.

My husband and I chose to tell anyone of our home birthing plans for this exact same reason.

Remember this: You have to raise that child, and you have to live with the decisions you are making. Learn to ignore the doubters and negative opinions.

 

[yellowglow]

My family was against my natural birth. They kept saying "don't try to be a hero!" It was mostly because I was doing a VBAC and everyone says they are dangerous. At one point we were going to do a homebirth.. and they really got upset about that! I think when we finally decided to go to the hospital, they were so relieved, they forgot about caring about whether I decided to do it natural.