Unsupportive OH - please help

[Rose1978]

When I told my boyfriend I was pregnant he was delighted, excited, happy, everything you'd want a reaction to be. We'd been ntnp so I was slightly worried especially as things aren't massively straight forward: he's in the middle of a divorce and his mother hates me and I mean hates. But lately he's not dealing with it well, he disappears, he won't communicate, he promises he'll change but then doesn't and I'm terrified. I know he's stressed and worried about the future, money mainly, but the way he's behaving is just awful and I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell my friends and family exactly how bad it is because then they'll hate him and I don't want that so i feel very alone. He isn't a bad person, he's just dealing with this badly but I don't know how to cope with it without making myself more ill than I already am and I'm scared that it might damage the pregnancy. I'm sorry for this negative post but I thought other hormonal and emotional women might understand. Has anybody else been though similar? Thank you.

 

[SteffieLee]

That's terrible. I'm sorry your going through that. Do you think counseling could help?

 

[LadyHutch]

I'm gonna be blunt here...

I am sure he is a wonderful man in some ways but since you are now worrying about a baby rather than just yourself, you should re-read your post and ask yourself what you would tell your best friend or sister in this situation...

He is still married. Yes, they might be separated. Yes, he is maybe in the middle of a divorce. But he is still married.

He's acting like a douche, and he is still married. Maybe his initial reaction was great, but he certainly isn't following it up. Don't make excuses for him about what his worries in life are. If he was NTNP with you, he knew the risks.

What would you tell your friend/sister/daughter/niece in this situation?

I'd tell mine to prepare for the worst and hope (but don't get lost in that hope) for the best. Gather your strength and resources. Live for you and that baby. Find your joy without him as a concern.

Hell, I am married to a great man and I do that...Live for me. Live for the kids. He is just smart enough to come along for the ride, since life is good together. I try to have no expectation of him so I am always pleasantly happy and surprised when things go good. But as much as I love him, if something went drastically wrong, I'd be ok without him, as much as it would hurt.

I'm not trying to dash your dreams or be mean. I am just being frank with you. You need to worry about you, and your child. You need to plan a life that works with or without him. He is not a necessity. He is a desire. But we don't always get all we desire.

Take care of you. Find your own life and joy. Leave him be to go sort himself out and in the meantime, fix your life to fit you and baby in a way that is joyous for you and baby. If he is smart, he'll see you are moving on and come along. If he's not, you will be strong and prepared to go on without him.

Hope you take this in the light of love....it is meant that way. Sometimes it hurts to hear it, but sometimes it is just what we need.

 

[lovinglife28]

I totally agree with what Ladyhutch said. He may come around or he may not and you should be prepared for both outcomes. I really feel for you having to be put in this situation. It would seem by what you said that reality finally set in for him and he bailed he couldn't deal. That is not responsible adult behavior. it could have something to do with the fact he's going through a divorce and now here he's going to have a new family and a new set of obligations. If he does eventually come around I would strongly encourage for him to have some counseling to get to the bottom of his possible issues so that things like that don't happen in future. You nor your baby deserve that kind of treatment. Hope things get better for you

 

[jennie22]

I'm gonna be blunt here...

I am sure he is a wonderful man in some ways but since you are now worrying about a baby rather than just yourself, you should re-read your post and ask yourself what you would tell your best friend or sister in this situation...

He is still married. Yes, they might be separated. Yes, he is maybe in the middle of a divorce. But he is still married.

He's acting like a douche, and he is still married. Maybe his initial reaction was great, but he certainly isn't following it up. Don't make excuses for him about what his worries in life are. If he was NTNP with you, he knew the risks.

What would you tell your friend/sister/daughter/niece in this situation?

I'd tell mine to prepare for the worst and hope (but don't get lost in that hope) for the best. Gather your strength and resources. Live for you and that baby. Find your joy without him as a concern.

Hell, I am married to a great man and I do that...Live for me. Live for the kids. He is just smart enough to come along for the ride, since life is good together. I try to have no expectation of him so I am always pleasantly happy and surprised when things go good. But as much as I love him, if something went drastically wrong, I'd be ok without him, as much as it would hurt.

I'm not trying to dash your dreams or be mean. I am just being frank with you. You need to worry about you, and your child. You need to plan a life that works with or without him. He is not a necessity. He is a desire. But we don't always get all we desire.

Take care of you. Find your own life and joy. Leave him be to go sort himself out and in the meantime, fix your life to fit you and baby in a way that is joyous for you and baby. If he is smart, he'll see you are moving on and come along. If he's not, you will be strong and prepared to go on without him.

Hope you take this in the light of love....it is meant that way. Sometimes it hurts to hear it, but sometimes it is just what we need.

So very true

 

[SteffieLee]

Completely agree with LadyHutch. Just couldn't quite put that into words like she did. Hope things improve hun.

 

[eme]

I'm gonna be blunt here...

I am sure he is a wonderful man in some ways but since you are now worrying about a baby rather than just yourself, you should re-read your post and ask yourself what you would tell your best friend or sister in this situation...

He is still married. Yes, they might be separated. Yes, he is maybe in the middle of a divorce. But he is still married.

He's acting like a douche, and he is still married. Maybe his initial reaction was great, but he certainly isn't following it up. Don't make excuses for him about what his worries in life are. If he was NTNP with you, he knew the risks.

What would you tell your friend/sister/daughter/niece in this situation?

I'd tell mine to prepare for the worst and hope (but don't get lost in that hope) for the best. Gather your strength and resources. Live for you and that baby. Find your joy without him as a concern.

Hell, I am married to a great man and I do that...Live for me. Live for the kids. He is just smart enough to come along for the ride, since life is good together. I try to have no expectation of him so I am always pleasantly happy and surprised when things go good. But as much as I love him, if something went drastically wrong, I'd be ok without him, as much as it would hurt.

I'm not trying to dash your dreams or be mean. I am just being frank with you. You need to worry about you, and your child. You need to plan a life that works with or without him. He is not a necessity. He is a desire. But we don't always get all we desire.

Take care of you. Find your own life and joy. Leave him be to go sort himself out and in the meantime, fix your life to fit you and baby in a way that is joyous for you and baby. If he is smart, he'll see you are moving on and come along. If he's not, you will be strong and prepared to go on without him.

Hope you take this in the light of love....it is meant that way. Sometimes it hurts to hear it, but sometimes it is just what we need.

This ^^^ a thousand times this.

 

[fizzypop]

I'm so sorry... I have no advice. My DH isn't a very nice person, sometimes downright cruel.. can't afford to leave, so I know how hard it is. I agree with the above though... just carry on with your life and if he comes along then fine.

 

[kell]

Totally agree with LadyHutch. Prepare to go it alone and be strong for yourself and nets unborn baby. Don't rely on him because that will just cause you pain if he doesn't come around. Be strong and hold your head up high. No woman NEEDS a man. If he doesn't buck his ideas up just leave him to his own self pity, he isn't acting like a man right now doing this to you and in my opinion doesn't deserve your tears. Get yourself a good support network of friends and family, they are worth a million more than any bloke believe me. If he does come around and starts showing you love and support then great but don't ever rely on him to be your strength.

Here if you need to chat anytime my lovely.

 

[yellowduck]

Hello Rose. I'm not sure I necessarily agree completely with the ladies above.

A new baby is a huge deal, my OH is a wonderful man but he too is struggling to come to terms with the fact I am pregnant, even though our baby was planned. I think he is scared and wary of how things will change in the future. We have talked and talked though and that has helped me understand how he is feeling and he understand how I am feeling.

When you say he disappears what do you mean? How long does he go for? Hours? Days? If days then yes that is a problem but you need to make him talk to you. Maybe drive somewhere where he has no choice but to talk on the way.

Don't give up on him, your baby deserves a mummy and a daddy and give him time to get his head round it before you do anything drastic.

 

[PrincessMommy]

I went thru the same thing with my first son. My boyfriend and I weren't even dating. His ex had just kicked him out months before and made him live in his car. She took his son away and wouldn't let him see him. I helped him and let him stay with me. The day I found out I was pregnant, he went straight from work and took off that night. From 10pm-2:30am he vanished. For 3 months after that, a few times a week he would take off on me. Sometimes he would be visiting friends and sometimes he would go out to play poker. He always came home drunk. When he was around me and home, though, he was amazing. Caring and I knew he was a good guy. I finally got sick of it and told him if he didn't want to be part of his child's life, then he should keep doin that. Cuz I wasn't goin to do it anymore. He stopped after that. He had tons going on with his life. Like more then I can explain on here. So I understand why he was upset. He still lied to me aput a few things after that. Our relationship was definitely tested. through it all, though, I wouldn't change a thing. I love him and he's an amazing man. That and a wonderful father. I couldn't ask for anyone better now that he's straightened out. He still has his moments sometimes but he is a troubled soul. All I wanna do is help him.

My advice for you- if you really think he's the right person to raise a child with you, then stick with him. Try to talk to him and explain. It took me a while to get thru to my boyfriend. But it was worth it. He did put me through a lot of stress during pregnancy though, so try not to stress so much. If he's still coming home at the end of the day then he wants you in his life.

 

[Rose1978]

Thank you ladies for your kind words. We have spoken lots and we are trying to make things work as it is what we both want. Neither of us have children and we're both scared about what the future could hold but I am determined to be as positive as I can be or I'll make myself ill and I'm already paranoid about every single twinge and cramp following a previous miscarriage. Things are far from perfect and I am well aware that they could get worse and I could have to do this alone but whatever happens this child will be loved and is definitely wanted and cherished already.

 

[Selaphyna]

I say just continue to try to talk to him, or let him know he can talk to you about anything. It's probably a very stressful time for him, going through the divorce and now adding a baby to the mix, especially with it being his first.

My oh had the "deer in headlights" look when I told him I was pregnant. Some days he's very sweet about the pregnancy, and others, he's very distant. This is his first, my second, so he's very nervous, though in his past he helped raise his ex's daughter (started dating her mom when she was about 6 months old to the time she was about 5). He's 37 y/o. He's worried about the finances, and if everything is okay with me and the pregnancy. And he's scared to death of the infant/newborn stage. Some days he'll talk to me, and then others, he doesn't say a thing. I hate it when he doesn't talk to me, but I know it's hard on him.

So give your OH time. But I do have to agree with some of the other ladies, do this for yourself and baby. Good luck and I wish you all the best.