Unsupportive OH?

[luminescent]

hi ladies,
I can relate to you here more than the other boards, but if my thread is closed I understand why. I'm 22, just took a test that was positive and completely unplanned, and feeling a little hopeless and scared right now. I'm scared to tell my boyfriend, as we had a pregnancy back in november. I was thinking about adoption, etc. (to make him happy honestly) but I ended up losing it at 9 weeks. after that I was sure to get on birth control because he was absolutely not supportive, worried for financial reasons (so was I).

just the other day OH was asking me how my bc was going, asking if he could do anything or buy some more condoms because he wanted to be safer. I'm so scared to tell him this time because we just moved to a new state, have our own place, and I feel more ready and independent than last time but I know he isn't. we don't make a ton of money either. I'm scared to end up doing this on my own in a new city where my family isn't close by.

did any of your OHs react badly? what I'm gonna need from him is support but I know he's just going to be incredibly upset.

 

[smurfette85]

Don't want to read and run Hun sending you hugs xx

 

[lillylollypop]

I'm 23 and my husband is 29. When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to tell him. He was not supportive edited as per forum rules] He was so mad that I got pregnant and I put him in this situation. He was down right being abusive and silly about it. His reason was fiances too. Fast forward, I am now 20 weeks and he is on board.

IF you want this child, stand your ground. Call his bluff. Chances are he is just scared and will come around. It took me leaving him for 1 week before he broke down and realized his actions. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Be strong, for you and baby. Don't let his sillyness stress you out.

Things can be bad in the beginning, but know chances are that he will come around. And I know its hard, its really hard. But just smile and keep trucking. You can do it. The last 20 weeks of my life have pushed me into dark places, but you know what, its fine. Were over it and ready to start our family.

If you need to talk, let me know. It really sucks when your SO is being a kid about things. But it will get better

 

[ClairAye]

I haven't been in the same situation so don't have any advice but I didn't want to read and run! Hopefully he doesn't take it badly or that he comes around quickly if he does

 

[x__amour]

Just wanted to offer you hugs.

 

[luminescent]

I'm 23 and my husband is 29. When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to tell him. He was not supportive edited as per forum rules] He was so mad that I got pregnant and I put him in this situation. He was down right being abusive and silly about it. His reason was fiances too. Fast forward, I am now 20 weeks and he is on board.

IF you want this child, stand your ground. Call his bluff. Chances are he is just scared and will come around. It took me leaving him for 1 week before he broke down and realized his actions. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Be strong, for you and baby. Don't let his sillyness stress you out.

Things can be bad in the beginning, but know chances are that he will come around. And I know its hard, its really hard. But just smile and keep trucking. You can do it. The last 20 weeks of my life have pushed me into dark places, but you know what, its fine. Were over it and ready to start our family.

If you need to talk, let me know. It really sucks when your SO is being a kid about things. But it will get better

IF you want this child, stand your ground. Call his bluff. Chances are he is just scared and will come around. It took me leaving him for 1 week before he broke down and realized his actions. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Be strong, for you and baby. Don't let his sillyness stress you out.

Things can be bad in the beginning, but know chances are that he will come around. And I know its hard, its really hard. But just smile and keep trucking. You can do it. The last 20 weeks of my life have pushed me into dark places, but you know what, its fine. Were over it and ready to start our family.

If you need to talk, let me know. It really sucks when your SO is being a kid about things. But it will get better

thanks ladies, I appreciate it. I know all I can do is tough it out but it does help to see encouraging words!

lilly- this actually sort of made me cry. that's how my OH acted when I told him in november. I had told him around 6 weeks when I found out, and we were still arguing about it at 9 weeks when I miscarried. I understood that money was tight, but it wasn't impossible. I don't think a baby's quality of life goes down just because we're not rich, but that was his argument. he wanted to be able to give it more than we could offer. and he just sort of made it seem like our lives would be over and we'd be scrambling for money and wouldn't have fun anymore. and I know that's so not true, but my emotions were all over the place.

so that's how I felt too. I was just in a dark place and I felt stuck and I know that his opinion won't be different this time. but what I didn't do last time was stand my ground.. I was scared of losing him so I half-agreed with him for those three weeks until we lost it anyway. I suppose I have to be brave and risk it.

thanks for your kind words, and sorry for the rambling. I think it helps to write it out!

 

[slg76]

I was in my 30s when I had my first child. I still didn't have "enough" money. When do you ever think you have enough extra money to support another person for 20 years?? You just make do and get by day to day. Babies actually don't need much financially and hopefully by the time they need school/activities/bigger clothes you will have put yourself in a better financial situation.

I'm guessing you understand this but maybe this is a good way to put it to OH. I bet he's really scared and the majority of financial pressure does usually fall on the man. That said he should be supporting you and trying to make the best of the situation. A baby is a wonderful, precious thing.

I hope you guys get on the same page soon and that you have a wonderful pregnancy

 

[lillylollypop]

I'm 23 and my husband is 29. When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to tell him. He was not supportive edited as per forum rules] He was so mad that I got pregnant and I put him in this situation. He was down right being abusive and silly about it. His reason was fiances too. Fast forward, I am now 20 weeks and he is on board.

IF you want this child, stand your ground. Call his bluff. Chances are he is just scared and will come around. It took me leaving him for 1 week before he broke down and realized his actions. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Be strong, for you and baby. Don't let his sillyness stress you out.

Things can be bad in the beginning, but know chances are that he will come around. And I know its hard, its really hard. But just smile and keep trucking. You can do it. The last 20 weeks of my life have pushed me into dark places, but you know what, its fine. Were over it and ready to start our family.

If you need to talk, let me know. It really sucks when your SO is being a kid about things. But it will get better

IF you want this child, stand your ground. Call his bluff. Chances are he is just scared and will come around. It took me leaving him for 1 week before he broke down and realized his actions. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Be strong, for you and baby. Don't let his sillyness stress you out.

Things can be bad in the beginning, but know chances are that he will come around. And I know its hard, its really hard. But just smile and keep trucking. You can do it. The last 20 weeks of my life have pushed me into dark places, but you know what, its fine. Were over it and ready to start our family.

If you need to talk, let me know. It really sucks when your SO is being a kid about things. But it will get better

thanks ladies, I appreciate it. I know all I can do is tough it out but it does help to see encouraging words!

lilly- this actually sort of made me cry. that's how my OH acted when I told him in november. I had told him around 6 weeks when I found out, and we were still arguing about it at 9 weeks when I miscarried. I understood that money was tight, but it wasn't impossible. I don't think a baby's quality of life goes down just because we're not rich, but that was his argument. he wanted to be able to give it more than we could offer. and he just sort of made it seem like our lives would be over and we'd be scrambling for money and wouldn't have fun anymore. and I know that's so not true, but my emotions were all over the place.

so that's how I felt too. I was just in a dark place and I felt stuck and I know that his opinion won't be different this time. but what I didn't do last time was stand my ground.. I was scared of losing him so I half-agreed with him for those three weeks until we lost it anyway. I suppose I have to be brave and risk it.

thanks for your kind words, and sorry for the rambling. I think it helps to write it out!

Our men sound the exact same. Honestly though, stand your ground. He's worried he wont be a good dad. He's worried about money. He's just worried. Theres no way he's going to let you and his child walk out. Tell him to grow up, your going to be a mother, with or with out him. It's as simple as that.

My husband threw everything at me. From finances to being a good parent. But in the end, there is never a 'good' time to have a child. And you can argue that with him until the cows come home. But your actions speak louder than your words. Sadly, you are going to have to be the adult in this situation and whoop him into shape. Is there somewhere you can stay for awhile till he can collect his thoughts?

Things could get nasty, I know my husband said things to me that were so cruel it was sickening. But you have to realize that this is fear speaking. It's not a reflection on you or your baby. It's just his lack of coping skills. Be strong, stay positive. I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

 

[skyesmom]

sorry to hear you have to go through this.
i think the society of today has men thinking they're the ones that have to solve things and get it all right. it is in their own nature too, that's how they deal with problems: there's a problem - fix it. women are different, we can live with problems even when don't have 1+1=2 kind of solution.
and when guys feel they CAN'T fix the things, they can get overwhelmed by it, panic out and say all sorts of hurtful bullshit.

(though even knowing this, i still get really pissed when i read stuff like "he got mad at me because i got pregnant". i think if i heard a man blame a woman for getting herself pregnant, i'd have to fight real hard with myself not to punch him out. as if women got pregnant on their own. grow some balls and accept your responsibility.)

anyway, if you really want your baby, stand your ground. he'll come around. try to explain him he doesn't need to have the answers and solutions to EVERYTHING now. that you are NEVER really ready to have a baby, no matter how old or rich you are. baby ALWAYS means a massive change, at 16, 26, 36, 46, whenever. and it is NOT the end of the life.
but remind him things are to be taken day by day as they come, and that you will come up with the right thing to do as the life evolves and rolls on. that not all the pieces of the puzzle are visible at every moment. that having a baby is not a thing that can be fixed in a day.

 

[bridgetboo62]

awww he will come around! i promise!
and people support families on minimum wage and still manage to have fun
you really dont need money to have fun! and he will realize once the baby is born that there is nothing more fun then watching your baby, toddler, child grow and learn and develop. and just spending time with them, doesnt matter where you are or how much money you have in your wallet/bank account

 

[Wobbles]

Some posts have been edited as per the forum rules. Please keep them in mind

While BabyandBump tries to remain pro-choice on most subjects, out of respect for majority of our members that are either trying to conceive, or pregnant, we ask that you do not discuss topics on abortion and terminations outside of the 'Ethical Prenatal Losses' forum.

 

[luminescent]

thank you, slg76, skye, and bridget.

I know he's not mad at ME, he'll just be mad that it happened. I mean, whatever he says is gonna hurt, but obviously I can't do a thing about this now.
the main argument last time was definitely money, and it's so daunting. but you're all right that the baby won't need everything at once.. we support ourselves just fine with some to spare for hobbies. that'll just have to go to savings now. I think he's just used to acting like a kid, honestly. he's 26 and has been on his own since 17, so I think feeling "tied down," for real, really scares him.

lilly- unfortunately we just moved to portland a couple weeks ago. family is halfway across the country! I'm working on making some friends, but I could always hang out in a hotel for a night or two if we need space. I hope it wouldn't go that far, but to prove a point I guess I may very well have to like you did.
I know he's scared. and I'm terrified too. thank you though, really. I know there's a way through this!

 

[luminescent]

((the rules here always surprise me with how strict they are!.. I'm not trying to argue with the moderator, sorry Wobbles, but termination was very, very briefly mentioned in passing and was relevant to the story.. in no way was it being discussed/promoted/trying to offend anyone directly. deleting the very mention of it seems unnecessary on a site where we're all adults? sorry.. my pro-choice is showing. I know I agreed to the terms and conditions here.. just surprised me that it got picked out, that's all! ))

anyway, thanks again. if no one minds, I may pop in to this board later on after we've discussed things and check in. I might not be a teen but I still feel a little more at home here. I feel like my worries get dismissed a little on the other boards, since many have been ttc for so long. seems like it might be harder to empathize with an unplanned pregnancy. time to accept it and head over to the first tri boards though, I suppose!

 

[slg76]

I hope the talk goes better than you expect!

I would recommend finding a prenatal group or group of pregnant ladies for support, especially since you are somewhere new with no family. Maybe try meetup.com. Is that the right website? I was without friends and family with dd and it does make it tougher. I now have an amazing group of mommy friends.

I'm not nearly a teen! I'm not even sure I'm supposed to post here but I sympathize with the younger ladies and really want to see all of you get started on a good path in life. I actually have been ttc #2 for two years now. We all have our own struggles and nobody's struggle is unimportant. That said, I know tensions can run high on some of these boards.

Please do let us know how you are doing