upset and very confused!

[kayley_baby]

i am so confused right now! I really want this baby (i fought hard enough for him/her) but oh has a child from a previous relationship which i was fine with... At first! Ive recently noticed that it has really been getting to me! I hate his ex due to the fact hes told me some pretty shit things about her and he says he hates her to (mainly due to the fact she wont allow him to see his son)...so this is the confusing part! He seems to be trying to turn me into her! He "casually" suggests i try something to then later seemingly accidentaly mention thats how she did it! Its driving me potty! and im real confused as to whether he wants me or just a replacement for her!

 

[nightkd]

Awwww, sweetie,

Have you tried talking to him about this? There's no need to make an argument, but sometimes it helps just to vocalise how you feel.

That would get to me, but maybe he doesn't realise he's doing it?

 

[kayley_baby]

yeah, ive tried talking and the first time i mentioned it it ended in an argument as he got angry with me but since then weve talked about it and he said he didnt realise he was doing it but what i dont get is if he hates her which he says he does(without me asking) why does he compare me to her and try to make me like the person he supposedly hates above all else?

 

[nightkd]

Hmm. He does have a child already with this woman, maybe he's just having a hard time seperating the two relationships as he doesn't want you to end up like her? Perhaps he's thinking out loud and just mindlessly comparing. How long have you been together and when did the comments start?

It's difficult because I obviously don't know HOW he's saying it, what context or whatever, PLUS he's a man, so he probably won't know how to express his feelings properly! (If he's anything like my OH)

The things he compares you on, are they sort of general things? Eg things which don't really have particularly DIFFERENT ways you can do them? He might just be comparing you in the fact his ex and you are both women, and therefore do things like a woman does (as obvious as it sounds, he might not realise that).

He could be trying to make you feel jealous for some reason, is he the sort that will try and wind you up?

I've stupidly done a similar thing to my BF when I was in a horrid mood, and it was to make him 'realise' that other men wanted me, and had had me, so he ought to be appreciating me a bit more!

Hopefully now he's aware of the hurt he's causing you by making these comments he'll stop.

Sorry if that post was a bit of a long, scrappy one, it's 1am and my brain isn't thinking properly..

anyway and don't worry too much about it. I don't think he's trying to make a mini version of her out of you, maybe just making what he thinks are innocent comments.

 

[kayley_baby]

weve been together over a year and at the begining he said a couple of things then stopped but thez were kind of stupid things. He did tell me to try a certain pizza topping at the pizza parla and later told me that was her favourite! And there was an incident involvin his boxers oce after sex i couldnt find any pants as i wasnt used to the set out he had so he said "why dunt ya put some of my boxers on" i said no its all right and then he went off on when saying "why not! Carolyn used to!" But then it stopped till the pregnancy! Now it ranges from how i should breast feed (says i should get a pump coz she had one) to the clothes i should dress him in if i have a boy!! Im slowly going crazy!

 

[LilFlower08]

Yeah i agree, My OH did this...

Men sometimes like women to get jealous of others cos it shows there still interested in them. Maybe with your pregnancy no taken a lot out of you and alot of your attention is on the baby and the pregnancy he may be feelin a lil left out and unapprecaited cos men dont get the 9months before baba is born?? (if you get me??)

He may just be fighting for your attention in the ony way he knows how??

My OH used to do it bout his ex and say silly things like "Jenni wudda done it!" if i didn't do what he asked.... but then one day i sat him down and said "im not her and i NEVER will be, so if thats what you want ok? im ok with it, just dont drag me down with you!" i then went on to remind him i loved him and if he wants me to feel jealous it wont work cos eventually i will get fed up and walk. he then poured his heart out saying he just felt like all my attention was elsewere (because at the time we were so busy) and he ust missed the lil hug and kisses he used to get...

Wow soz for essay just a thought tho....xxx

 

[Serene123]

I daren't say this to a pregnant lady, but are you sure it's not your hormones?

 

[kayley_baby]

Yeah i agree, My OH does do this...

Men sometimes like women to get jealous of others cos it shows there still interested in them. Maybe with your pregnancy no taken a lot out of you and alot of your attention is on the baby and the pregnancy he may be feelin a lil left out and unapprecaited cos men dont get the 9months before baba is born?? (if you get me??)

He may just be fighting for your attention in the ony way he knows how??

My OH used to do it bout his ex and say silly things like "Jenni wudda done it!" if i didn't do what he asked.... but then one day i sat him down and said "im not her and i NEVER will be, so if thats what you want ok? im ok with it, just dont drag me down with you!" i then went on to remind him i loved him and if he wants me to feel jealous it wont work cos eventually i will get fed up and walk. he then poured his heart out saying he just felt like all my attention was elsewere (because at the time we were so busy) and he ust missed the lil hug and kisses he used to get...

Wow soz for essay just a thought tho....xxx

Thanks, i have tried asking him why he was doing it and when he first started wed only been together about two months so he had my full attention! I guess it could be jealousy now but then he doesnt have any thing to be jealous off as when hes at home from work i try to make sure all my attention is on him!

 

[kayley_baby]

no im pretty sure its not just my hormones as i had noticed it before and it really got to me then!

 

[LilFlower08]

Dare i say it but if you only been together two months....is he over her?

I know that horrible to say but can't be sure as i don't know how long ago they split b4 u two got together!?

 

[kayley_baby]

no weve been together a year, it was about two months the first time he did it! And they were split up a year and a half before i even met him!t

 

[Serene123]

I think you need no tell him you're not her. You never know though, he might have made her that way too!!

 

[LilFlower08]

Ahhh ok... sounds ok then... Yes i agree with what Toria said! about him doingit to her? x

 

[kayley_baby]

well if he did make her the way she was i dunt get why he would want to turn me in to someone who tricked him in to having a baby when he didnt want one and then cheat on him! All rather confusing! Plus why would ya want to turn someone into someone who beat ya ? I know you probs dunt have the answers but kinda feels good to talk about it!

 

[mummymadness]

Hi Hun , Just read your post .
To me it seems he seems to think every relationship has the same similarities and not realising every relationship is different .
I would calmly explain to him , That you are not his ex you are you ... And allthow you know he doesnt mean to do it , It makes you feel uncomfertable ! , And you would much rather be Kayley not his ex .
I hope its all resolves its self . xxxx .

 

[Serene123]

Right, I don't know your OH or anything about his situation but, how do you know she tricked him into having the baby? I mean, he could say the same thing about you if you broke up..

I'm a very paranoid person.. Sorry.

 

[nightkd]

If he started when you'd been together for 2 months, he still might've been trying to get his head around his previous relationship (especially if they were together for a long time) and therefore he may have been comparing you to her because he was still a bit hung up on her.

NOW, because you're pregnant, the suggestions he makes towards that, might be the only way he feels useful. If he's suggesting things that 'SHE' did and it worked, it may be that he wants to be involved and he's trying to be helpful, but going about it in the wrong way. Perhaps tell him, on that front, that you appreciate his help, but could he perhaps refrain from telling you that that's how SHE did it.. Just present it as a suggestion, you don't need to know that's how SHE did it.

 

[LilFlower08]

it may be that he wants to be involved and he's trying to be helpful, but going about it in the wrong way. Perhaps tell him, on that front, that you appreciate his help, but could he perhaps refrain from telling you that that's how SHE did it.. Just present it as a suggestion, you don't need to know that's how SHE did it.

I totally agree with this and it makes a hell of a lot of sense.... Men often word things wrong...x

 

[Elli21]

Id simply tell him, im not your ex and i dont want to be! If thats who you want me to be then thats tough.
But im blunt and it doesnt always get me very far! But at least he will know how u feel.
xx

 

[kayley_baby]

well i dont know if she really did but im pretty sure hes telling the truth about that if not anything else! And if he tries to the same about me theres proof he said he wanted a baby with me!! And thanks to everyone for the advise! I to hope this situation is resolved soon for my babies sake!