Urgent advice needed please?? UPDATE PAGE 2

[Lullaby2009]

OH and I have been together for almost 3yrs, he has a daughter who has just turned 8yrs old who has always stayed with us at weekends and school holidays.

During the week she has always lived with her mum and stepdad.

We thought things were going well, but today she dropped the bombshell that things at home are in fact pretty horrific for her, she doesn't feel wanted or loved, and in fact spends a lot of her time feeling scared by her stepdad and unsafe. She told us that she has spoken with her mum about it and her mum has taken sides with her stepdad even though he has tried to strangle her!

Understandably she has asked to live with us.

Her mother has agreed that she can move in with us on a trial basis to see how she gets on, with a view to making it permanent - but then also tried to spin things round on her saying she is disruptive and shouts at them for no reason, purposefully misbehaves, bites and scratches them and ends up going to bed at gone 11 at night (school nights) etc. However, she shows not even an ounce of behaviour like this here and quite happily goes to bed at 8pm. She's only needed 2 timeouts in the whole time I've known her, so really can't see how she could be so completely different at her mothers unless there is something very wrong....

Well to cut a long story short her mothers family had a bad feeling about the stepdad from the start (long before i came on the scene) and called out social services after the mother and stepdad failed to be able to explain bruising on the girl and as such they then shut out the whole of her family and have stopped them from seeing her ever since, saying they just had it in for him..... the mother's family have stayed in contact with my OH this whole time even though he has been banned from giving them any info about my stepdaughter at all, they have been nothing short of polite and very sweet, and treat our daughter as if she were their own granddaughter, while awaiting a time when my stepdaughter is older and allowed to make up her own mind who she wants to be in contact with.

My stepdaughter is moving in with us this weekend.

I have several questions about this.....

Firstly, I don't want it rubbed in her mother's face that her daughter has chosen to live with us, but at the same time I don't want her dictating to us what dsd is or is not allowed to do (she can be a very controlling woman and in the past has used dsd's time with her daddy as a weapon to get her own way such as if you let her do such and such then you won't see her again) etc. How would you suggest we handle this in a firm but fair way?

Secondly, dsd wants to see her aunts and uncles, nan, grandad and cousins from her mothers side of the family, can her mum still stop this if she is no longer the full time guardian? What do you think should be the right course of action in this situation?

and Lastly, what do we do if it works out well and she gets all settled and feels safe etc. and then her mother changes her mind and demands her back? Can she do that? Or would OH as the current resident parent refuse for his daughter to be placed back into such a negative environment?



OH and I really want to go about all this in the right way so we can keep her safe. Any and all advice is welcome!

UPDATE PAGE 2

 

[samsugar7]

Firstly you and OH sound like a good solid couple to be raising her and on behalf of all of us "abused" i use the term very loosley kids thank you.

At 8 years old i think she is old enough to make a decision who she wants to live with, if her mother "demands" her back she can be given a choice if it went to court. As for her mother telling you what to do just listen, nod in the right places then forget it. As her guardians you can choose bed time and school decisions and such things.

If the trial goes well maybe you could think about making her move official - letting people like the school, child benefit, tax credits know. That way her mother cant make decisions. Not that im suggesting you cut her out but you and OH obviously need parental rights and without it being "official" she can just walk into school pick her daughter up and the school would know no different.

As for meeting other family members i think it would be fantastic for her to be able to see family that she has been seperated from. Her mum might not like it but its the best thing for her daughter.

You are a very strong and loving role for this little girl. Enjoy all the years and fun you have to come.

xx

 

[Tink1o5]

Well for the first question i would write something out and have her sign it. I mean as far as her telling you guys You can and cannot do this or your DH will not be able to see his daughter anymore. This way if she does try to pull something out like that then you guys have proof that she signed a paper stating its your home your rules.

For the second question: No she herself cannot stop this. As long as the aunts uncles ect still want to see her every so often then she is allowed to see them. As long as its ok with you and dh of course.

Lastely again i recommend adding this into the writing somewhere that she cant DEMAND her back. Make sure you put in there that it is on a trial basis at first. Also Yes your OH can refuse to have her put back in the negative environment. It may turn into a legal situation. But your DH would have the upper hand because she was in the negative environment.

Wishing you and your family the best of luck. I know these things can be complicated, but im sure it will all work out fine.

 

[miss.kayleigh]

you should get some legal advoce so her mother can't just come over anytime and demand her back! hope everything goes right for you xxx

 

[Blah11]

Okay I hope you don't take offense to this but here goes..

I think it's great that you have allowed your step daughter to move in with you. However, you must remember that you're not her mother and her biological mother does have the right to 'dictate' to you how she wants her daughter parented and I think for the time being you need to respect the fact that for whatever reason she doesn't want her daughter seeing her maternal extended family.

I do think you should do this through soliciters tbh. Even if it's just a trial you need a contract or something written up. Do they have joint custody or does the mother have full custody at the moment?

 

[Lu28]

It sounds like you're doing a great thing here

Firstly you don't need a contract or anything written and signed. It wouldn't make any difference to a court who will make all decisions based on what is in the child's best interests so any kind of informal contract is irrelevant and may only serve to make the situation even more polarised than it already is.

Mum should always be consulted on decisions but as far as day to day life goes, dad has just as much right to make these decisions as mum.

I would also let schools and doctors know as soon as it looks like the move will be permanent so they know the situation.

As for mum's family, as long as dad believes they are suitable people for his daughter to be around and she wants to see them then there's no reason to stop that.

If mum decided she wanted her daughter back, her daughter is old enough now for her opinion to be taken into account. So if this little girl didn't want to go back then she shouldn't be forced. If mum feels strongly enough she will take it through the courts but it appears as though she doesn't have a suitable living environment anyway.

I haven't practised family law in a couple of years now though so it wouldn't hurt to go to one of the free initial consultations lots of solicitors offer just to get some general advice.

Good luck with it all

 

[Lullaby2009]

Thank you all for your replies

Okay I hope you don't take offense to this but here goes..

I think it's great that you have allowed your step daughter to move in with you. However, you must remember that you're not her mother and her biological mother does have the right to 'dictate' to you how she wants her daughter parented and I think for the time being you need to respect the fact that for whatever reason she doesn't want her daughter seeing her maternal extended family.

I do think you should do this through soliciters tbh. Even if it's just a trial you need a contract or something written up. Do they have joint custody or does the mother have full custody at the moment?

I haven't taken offence hon.

The thing about dictating is that it's things that are either silly or unreasonable such as she won't allow dsd to wear her hair down if she's round ours, yet she allows her to wear her hair down at home which is how dsd prefers it, she allows dsd to have friends round to play at home, but doesn't allow us to let her friends round here or for us to have our friends round while she is here if they have children with them. She allows her partner to be alone with dsd even though he has mental health issues (even from the moment he came into their life) and she caught him trying to strangle dsd recently when he 'lost control' and STILL leaves him alone with her, yet until 6 months ago when our daughter was born I wasn't allowed to be on my own with dsd even if OH was just in the garden mowing the lawn or she'd stop us seeing her for a month! She regularly telephones in the middle of the night to give us new rules that she has come up with.....

Regarding extended maternal family, they have been proved right that dsd was at risk with this man AND that her mother KNEW she was at risk and stopped the contact purely for this reason because dsd had bruising which they both refused to explain. One time dsd had told her nan that her stepdad was being nasty to her and hiding it from other people, and when her nan had a quiet moment to talk with dsd's mum about this she dismissed it as lies and attention seeking which was when the subject of the bruising was brought up.

There is no official custody in place at the moment as dsd's mum has always refused to sign divorce papers due to the paperwork that would need to be filed to state where dsd lives and visitation rights etc. However, one more year and OH will be able to get a divorce without her signing anything, we just don't know how to go about setting the custody arrangements in place in that case.

I think you're right, we need a solicitor involved in this...

 

[Lullaby2009]

It sounds like you're doing a great thing here

Firstly you don't need a contract or anything written and signed. It wouldn't make any difference to a court who will make all decisions based on what is in the child's best interests so any kind of informal contract is irrelevant and may only serve to make the situation even more polarised than it already is.

Mum should always be consulted on decisions but as far as day to day life goes, dad has just as much right to make these decisions as mum.

I would also let schools and doctors know as soon as it looks like the move will be permanent so they know the situation.

As for mum's family, as long as dad believes they are suitable people for his daughter to be around and she wants to see them then there's no reason to stop that.

If mum decided she wanted her daughter back, her daughter is old enough now for her opinion to be taken into account. So if this little girl didn't want to go back then she shouldn't be forced. If mum feels strongly enough she will take it through the courts but it appears as though she doesn't have a suitable living environment anyway.

I haven't practised family law in a couple of years now though so it wouldn't hurt to go to one of the free initial consultations lots of solicitors offer just to get some general advice.

Good luck with it all

Thank you very much, we're just very concerned that we do this completely in the right way so that dsd feels safe and loved, and so that she has a solid basis to settle into and feel secure. It was heartbreaking when she told us what had been going on and when we spoke with her mum we got the impression that her mother couldn't really care less about her. She said she didn't even want to see her every week "it could just be once a month or 'whenever' a few times a year maybe"

 

[Lu28]

It sounds like you're doing a great thing here

Firstly you don't need a contract or anything written and signed. It wouldn't make any difference to a court who will make all decisions based on what is in the child's best interests so any kind of informal contract is irrelevant and may only serve to make the situation even more polarised than it already is.

Mum should always be consulted on decisions but as far as day to day life goes, dad has just as much right to make these decisions as mum.

I would also let schools and doctors know as soon as it looks like the move will be permanent so they know the situation.

As for mum's family, as long as dad believes they are suitable people for his daughter to be around and she wants to see them then there's no reason to stop that.

If mum decided she wanted her daughter back, her daughter is old enough now for her opinion to be taken into account. So if this little girl didn't want to go back then she shouldn't be forced. If mum feels strongly enough she will take it through the courts but it appears as though she doesn't have a suitable living environment anyway.

I haven't practised family law in a couple of years now though so it wouldn't hurt to go to one of the free initial consultations lots of solicitors offer just to get some general advice.

Good luck with it all

Thank you very much, we're just very concerned that we do this completely in the right way so that dsd feels safe and loved, and so that she has a solid basis to settle into and feel secure. It was heartbreaking when she told us what had been going on and when we spoke with her mum we got the impression that her mother couldn't really care less about her. She said she didn't even want to see her every week "it could just be once a month or 'whenever' a few times a year maybe"

It very much sounds like you're doing the right thing for her, I just don't understand mothers like that, I really don't xx

 

[Blah11]

Thank you all for your replies

Okay I hope you don't take offense to this but here goes..

I think it's great that you have allowed your step daughter to move in with you. However, you must remember that you're not her mother and her biological mother does have the right to 'dictate' to you how she wants her daughter parented and I think for the time being you need to respect the fact that for whatever reason she doesn't want her daughter seeing her maternal extended family.

I do think you should do this through soliciters tbh. Even if it's just a trial you need a contract or something written up. Do they have joint custody or does the mother have full custody at the moment?

I haven't taken offence hon.

The thing about dictating is that it's things that are either silly or unreasonable such as she won't allow dsd to wear her hair down if she's round ours, yet she allows her to wear her hair down at home which is how dsd prefers it, she allows dsd to have friends round to play at home, but doesn't allow us to let her friends round here or for us to have our friends round while she is here if they have children with them. She allows her partner to be alone with dsd even though he has mental health issues (even from the moment he came into their life) and she caught him trying to strangle dsd recently when he 'lost control' and STILL leaves him alone with her, yet until 6 months ago when our daughter was born I wasn't allowed to be on my own with dsd even if OH was just in the garden mowing the lawn or she'd stop us seeing her for a month! She regularly telephones in the middle of the night to give us new rules that she has come up with.....

Regarding extended maternal family, they have been proved right that dsd was at risk with this man AND that her mother KNEW she was at risk and stopped the contact purely for this reason because dsd had bruising which they both refused to explain. One time dsd had told her nan that her stepdad was being nasty to her and hiding it from other people, and when her nan had a quiet moment to talk with dsd's mum about this she dismissed it as lies and attention seeking which was when the subject of the bruising was brought up.

There is no official custody in place at the moment as dsd's mum has always refused to sign divorce papers due to the paperwork that would need to be filed to state where dsd lives and visitation rights etc. However, one more year and OH will be able to get a divorce without her signing anything, we just don't know how to go about setting the custody arrangements in place in that case.

I think you're right, we need a solicitor involved in this...

Sounds like she's a very petty woman and its one rule for her and one rule for you... not exactly fair. Good luck, I hope everything is going well so far and your DSD has settled into her new home.

 

[Lullaby2009]

Hi all, OMG the developments that have happened!!!!

Police and Social Services have now been involved as dsd became completely hysterical the last time she was meant to go home on 18th of July. Birth mother and stepfather said they would take her against her will so we called the police. After a private word with dsd the police declared that dsd was not allowed to return to their premises due to serious concerns regarding safety, and then involved social services. A social worker came out to meet dsd and spent an hour or so talking with her before talking with us. Dsd has alleged her stepfather punches, kicks, slaps, etc. drags her across the room and throws her into doorways, she alleges her birth mother is witness to many incidents and that they both make her lie and say everything is okay as she is not allowed to tell anyone what he does to her!! There are many more things that she has said, in fact the list when handwritten takes up almost 2 whole pages of A4 paper!!

We've been to court once already a few days ago and are due to go again on Thursday. This is to arrange custody and visitation.

Afterwards we are persuing the allegations made and getting this punks sorry ass in jail!!! Not sure what will happen with the mother, but the sheer amount of stuff her stepfather has been accused of would probably be enough to land him on death row if we were in america!! It's like some sort of horror movie!! The poor girl, why the hell didn't we see this sooner?????????

 

[samsugar7]

Bless her, at least it is being dealt with now. x

 

[daniandbaby]

aww u are such a strong brave women and I think ur sd is better off with u and her father!

 

[secretbaby]

It is a testament to your relationship with dsd that she confided in you in the first place which led to her living with you. Many step parents would not want oh biological child staying with them and would not have investigated the conditions biological child lived in (my friend wanted NOTHING to do with her hubbys first child it was horrible). You could not have known, you see cases like baby p - people who do this horrible abuse are clever, they hide things very well (even from ss sometimes) and children who are your dsd age are conditioned not to tell.

I am so thankful that dsd has you and oh... you sound like amazing parents and from your she obviously has a lovely life with you. You can not change the past but you will be with her every step of the future. PLEASE do not unecessarily guilt trip yourself - remember you have done nothing wrong, the only people who have are biological mum (turning a blind eye) and her partner who did these terrible things.

Thank goodness your dsd has you and her dad.

 

[MissMummyMoo]

Oh my gosh the poor girl

She is so lucky she has you and her father there to support her!

 

[Dinoslass]

How horrible for the girl. I am so happy that things are changing for her now. Good luck to you all.

 

[Lullaby2009]

Thank you all for your lovely comments. We have another court hearing on 14th October, in the meantime dsd started at her new school today and loved it! She has made some good friends during the summer holidays who are now her class mates, and social services have actioned a section 47 core assessment which means they are fully investigating her claims regarding both her her mother and stepdad. So much more has come to light over the weeks, and although what she has been telling us is deeply personal and difficult for her, she is coping amazingly well most of the time, although it is apparent that she may need counselling for quite some time. It seems there were after all instances where her own mother also caused her undue hadships such as making her stay in her room all day and denying her access to the bathroom which resulted in accidents she would then get told off for.

She is still in court ordered contact with her mother at weekends at the moment and it's gut wrenching when she begs us every week not to make her go. From what she tells us of these visits her mother seems to be using mind games and emotional blackmail to try to get her stepdad off the hook, but dsd can see straight through it all and gets more and more angry with her mother every week because she was willing to keep her there in danger knowing full well what was happening and letting it become 'the norm' - dsd says when all this is over she doesn't ever want to see either of them again... no idea if the court will enforce this or not though.

However, in the meantime, her appetite is almost back to normal, and she is starting to smile more and enjoying activities that she had previously lost interest in. Her temperament is much more stable and she is so affectionate and loving. I can't understand how anyone could hurt this sweet girl, especially those who were supposed to love her!!

 

[Cheryl xx]

Thank goodness she confided in you. To think that she has been going through these horrible things at home is just heartbreaking. You sound like a wonderful little family and you are very lucky to have each other. I wish you all every happiness in the future xx