urgently need advice from mum of teenage girl!!! long sorry!

[mumof2girls]

I really need help please I seriously dont know what to do anymore. Some of you may have read my thread about my teenage step daughter having cyber sex etc and I mentioned in there that she has been known to steal etc. I really thought we were getting somewhere shes had me fooled for months, recently money started going missing again and my dads fags when he visits etc but she always denied it but at the end of the day although it is wrong its just normal teenage stuff but now my 4 year olds nintendo ds has gone missing!! She only got it for xmas and is heartbroken and I know my step daughter has had it I know when shes lying and both me and hubby plus my dad and a friend have searched my house high and low because we just couldnt believe it. I have now just noticed and I know its silly that an ornament of mine has gone missing! Its a silly little teddy bear that has flowers and an envelope marked mum on it, it was my 1st ever mothers day present off my 4 year old!!! Im gutted and I know its stupid!

I was diagnosed with severe depression/ anxiety and stress on monday and the doctor said im on the edge of a breakdown, he has put me on anti depressants and referred me to a mental health worker but I just really dont know what to do about her, I dont want to be here anymore I just wish I could walk out right now and have done coz I have put up with more than my fair share! Im not going to get better if things dont change in this house and even my husband doesnt know what to do we are at a total loss! Nothing works we have tried talking, shouting, grounding, taking things away, stopping pocket money, making her replace things shes stolen but now its at the point where she doesnt care! I can feel myself getting more and more worked up I feel physically sick at the thought of her and thats such a vile thing to say! I hate this so much!!!

Please help anybody!! x

 

[24/7]

I know it's quite extreme, but could you call the police re the stolen items? I can't think of anyone else that can help apart from SS.
I feel for you, I really do, it's a horrible position to be in. xx

 

[hopeandpray]

have you tried sending her to some kind of counselling or therapy to see if there's a reason why she's acting like this?

 

[mumof2girls]

Hi she is in therapy but she only tells them what she wants them to hear so nothing actually gets resolved, I have thought about calling the police but I dont want her being arrested because it will give her a record. Im really stuck, hubby wants to take her to the doctors, my own doctor said after id told him about her behaviour (reason for my mental state at the moment) said it sounds like she has mental health issues yet she acts so normal in front of other people??? Its really weird x

 

[2nd time mum]

It is a hard one. I know that my son who is 14 through a stupid incident ended up at a local Police Station and it was really the wake up call that he needed. He had been hanging around with a crowd that turned out to be the wrong one and I am so thankful now that it happened before he got further in with them. I know it's severe so maybe use as a last resort. Try the doctors. Have you also spoke with the therapist to tell them that she is lying and see if they can get her to open up a but more.

Good luck xx

 

[hopeandpray]

You poor thing, you must be at the end of your tether! until she allows herself to be helped I can't think what more you can do how does it not bother her causing so much trouble? is there anybody that she is very close to that she might open up to?

 

[Hotbump]

Im still kinda of a teen myself, im 19. My mom was very strict with me. When i picked up a bad habit she would tell me that if i did it again that when i came from school that the only thing that i would find in my room was my matress and a week worth of clothes and no technology. It never got to that point because i would stop my bad habit. If she thought that what i did was very bad she would skip the police part and went directly to if you dont clean up your act im sending you to military school. She never did neither because i would clean up my act but im 100% sure that if i had done the same mistake twice she would do what she had told me.

 

[Apey]

I work with high-risk children and youth, and it has been said that when children/youth act out, they have a reason behind it and it's not just cuz they don't give a shit. They can act out for many reasons, and sometimes its just them crying for attention. If you say you have been depressed and have severe anxiety, your children will pick up on that, and it could be affecting your relationship with her. You may want to try to get her into a youth program, maybe a mentor program? If you are able to get yourself a copy of a book "No such thing as a bad kid" by Charles Appelstein, I would highly reccomend it. It has techniques that allow you to communicate with your children that are extremely effective. This book was made for child and youth care professionals and teachers, but I think every parent should learn what is being taught in this book.

 

[TattiesMum]

Teenage girls are just the worst Hon and they do 'act out' in reaction to things in the most inappropriate ways An example of this was when I was in hospital after surgery for cancer and my eldest, who was nearly 14 at the time, decided to go shoplifting

The police let her off with a warning (largely because of the circumstances I think) and she never did it again, but the grief it caused was unbelievable.

I do agree with Apey - some of this stuff is just normal teenage testing of boundaries - but by the time it gets so they appear to not care at all it is often about something much, much different .... which isn't to say that she knows exactly what it is that she is reacting to

I would certainly speak to her therapist, and at this point I would be looking into family therapy - it will be much harder for her to appear sweet and innocent (and lie) when you and your OH are in the room and you stand a much better chance of getting to the bottom of her behaviours

I don't know what else to say to you except to concentrate on your own therapy, which will certainly help you to gain some equilibrium. I'd also recommend picking your battles with her .... with two teen girls and a teen boy I kind of had to let the small stuff go and just concentrate on correcting the behaviours that really mattered, otherwise I would have spent my entire time punishing them (which just leads to them feeling hard done by and therefore somehow justified).

xxxxx

 

[mumof2girls]

Hi all I should have said we have family therapy as well as her having her own sessions, we have told the therapist that she is lying but she sticks to her guns with them! I honestly think calling the police is the only way to stop all this, if you have seen my other thread about her you will know that shes been engaging in cyber and text sex and has let a boy take a topless photo of her at school which subsequently got passed round and more recently has been arranging to meet up with at least 2 boys at school to have sex I mean wtf??? Its seriously messed up. We have done everything to the point where shes had nothing not even a book to read!! Nothing works! I do think that if I phoned the police my husband would fall out with me because she is his daughter and to be honest I dont want her having a record. I really dont know what to do at the moment the house is horrible because I wont even look at her let alone speak to her and I cringe when my 4 year old talks to her and cuddles her as though nothing has happened I just want to tell her 2 get away fom her I hate feeling like this towards her!

She has had a tough time..... doesnt see bio mum due to drugs/ alcohol but that is absolutely NO excuse for all this behaviour! Its gone on for 4 years and ive just about taken all I can take from her! I mean she wont even admit to taking the ds but shes the only one who could have! A ds does not just grow legs and walk out of the house and the fact that she has tried to blame my 6 year old brother and my step son is just ridiculous! There is no way they could have taken it!!

 

[lesleyann]

Im a teen 18 so still very fresh to me lol i think you need to call the police hun and tbh if she did get a recored after 3-5years at her age most become "spent" which means they dont really affect much i should no i have/had a record ( its spent now ) and im doing on a health and social care lvl 2 course with a crb check due to the work placements i will be doing..

You say you have tryied everythig else so its really the only option you have left i know quite a few people whos parents spoke to a police officer and got there lkids put in cells for the day/night to just really scare the crap out of them and it worked.

 

[Ro2212]

My first bit of advice would be to escape for a few days! Do you have somewhere you can go to just get a bit of breathing space and relax for a couple of days? Anti depressants take a couple of weeks to work so I think you need to really concentrate on yourself until they kick in properly.
Secondly, people say that there isn't such a thing as bad kid, and mostly this is true, but sometimes they do act up just because they can, or to see how much they can get away with. I think you need to come down really tough on her and make her realise that she's not going to get away with it.
The sexual stuff, I hate to say, is pretty normal nowadays for a girl of her age I hate to say that I was almost as bad at her age, and while I massively regret it now, nothing anyone said would have changed me back then. It's the kind of thing you have to learn about yourself. Knowing that she can talk to someone about it without being made to feel dirty or slutty or whatever may help.
Sorry, I know this probably isn't very helpful. I think the most important thing is making sure you get thru the next few weeks without having a breakdown. When you're mentally stronger, (i.e when the anti depressants start taking some of the strain off!) it will be easier to deal with her. There isn't any quick fix or solution to her behaviour, so concentrate on yourself for a couple of weeks and you will be more able to deal with her.
Huge hugs to you and the rest of your family. Hang in there. xx

 

[24/7]

IMO, as harsh as it is I don't see there is any other option but to call the police. At her age she is aware of the concequences of say stealing from someone elses house after breaking in, so she is full aware she should not steal. I'm a firm believer in tough love, and sadly in life you have to pay the price if you do something wrong. Yes it may be hard for her for a few years if she has a caution, but if I were emplying someone, I wouldn't want to emply someone who steals from their own family, but it will disappeaer from her record after so many years.