Very angry and anxious 5 year old

[minties]

My son has always been quick to anger - or to show any other emotion really for that matter.

He had a bad day at school yesterday and was uncommunicative, withdrawn, sad and angry. His teacher said the only noise he made was a low growl. He didn't go outside and eat his lunch, wouldn't write or read, and apparently got right in another boys face and was yelling at him and growling loudly over a pen (with clenched fists).

He seemed ok after school but wept for no reason at bedtime and couldn't tell me why.

He hates change, thinks other kids all hate him, has trouble reading (but can read space related things just fine like planet names etc), you can't rough house with him as he takes it too far and gets so angry and will punch and kick so hard and won't stop.

He likes to be in control of most situations and gets upset at unexpected visitors.

He's always sighing loudly at everything and acts like a grumpy 16 year old to be honest (if anyone here is old enough to remember Kevin the teenager from Harry Enfields old show, that's Thomas!).

I hate taking him out anywhere as he tends to run around and act silly. However if I take him alone without Sophie he's usually fine. She doesn't start any of that stuff as she's really calm and well behaved, and even tempered.

I don't know how to help him or how to change my parenting techniques as I have no doubt that I have played a role here. I find that I get fed up with him very quickly and I probably sigh as often as he does.

I love him dearly and want to make life better for him but don't know where to start.

He's also really into playing a kids game on the PS3 in my room and because it keeps him so happy and quiet I think I let him play it way more than I should so I'm going to stop that. He raise his fists at me when I tell him to turn it off.

I'm wondering if it sounds like he has anxiety? He seems either withdrawn or sad or angry a lot. He hides behind me when we go to school and refuses to say hello to anyone.

Today some boys shoved him around and he just curled his head down on his chest and tried not to cry. I could see his body language showing that he was withdrawing into himself. I was leaving and couldn't do too much but reassure him I would be back at 3pm and that I loved him.

I feel like I yell too much, the same as my mother yelled a lot at me.

My OH actually said to me last night to "be nice to him, he's a good boy" when I got in a grump hearing Thomas crying in bed. I didn't feel like getting up and was being lazy. I was taken back as I didn't realise I seemed mean or angry. I lay in bed with Thomas and we had a lovely cuddle then I felt terrible for my initial thoughts of "oh not again Thomas Jesus Christ!!". All he wanted was a cuddle.

I feel like a terrible person and want to improve and also to give him the resources to calm himself down and not turn out like me.

 

[wishingonastar]

First of all, please don't beat yourself up. Parenting is hard and we all make mistakes and we all wish we had a smidge more patience. I frequently get cross with my children then wish I could time travel and change my reaction.

I noticed you feel you shout a lot...I read something on this and loved the solution provided - they said to cut out hearts and stick them around the house in strategic places such as on bathroom mirror, on kitchen cupboard, on back of front door and so on. These hearts remind you to think about your reaction and try and choose a kinder one.

With the games I get that...a quiet life is heaven when you have children as they are sooo demanding. It has been linked that playing video games for prolonged periods worsens concentration and can increase aggressive tendencies. I would suggest he has a reward chart for expected behaviour or chores to complete so he can earn time and that you use a timer for this.

My middle child (also 5) is a very highly strung little girl. Cries easily and this is loud enough for the next county to hear. She has got calmer with age however I've had to tailor my responses compared to how I can respond to my eldest. Perhaps Google things like 'discipline sensitive child' and get some tips that may work for you?

That said, some of the behaviours and reactions you're describing sound as if there's potentially more to address which could require more formal help. That is not to say that is definately the case if course. I would suggest going to your GP and asking for a referral to child behavioural assessment. If it was me I would ask someone along to sit in waiting room with my child, I'd go and see doc on own then if doc wanted to meet child I could go grab them. Now our children are older we're trying to be careful not to expose them to conversations about their behaviour unless we are talking directly to them as we don't think it's fair on them and means they feel their negative stuff is constantly being discussed

 

[OmarsMum]

I agree with your OH, my boy is similar, he also hides behind me when we go to school although he's been going there for 3 yrs, we had success with encouraging him to say good morning & wave bye just recently.

He is also grumpy & angry a lot during the day, he gets bored easily, he goes from being happy & cheerful to being miserable and angry in seconds without a reason.

He screams at us and he went through a phase of throwing things around when he's angry.

We also have similar school incidences, if he's told off he will end up crying and miserable all day, he overthinks a lot, he thinks about the future, about work, about money & all those stuff makes his anxious, he's only 6 but he seems to worry about stuff that are beyond his age.

I'm thinking seriously of seeking professional advice once summer break starts.

Shouting won't help, I used to shout but it made it worse, he used to end up crying and saying that he can't control it, I offer him cuddles & quiet time together when he gets angry, I don't talk when he's angry, I found that dealing with his anger calmly works much better than getting frustrated & angry at him.

He is a good boy, he does well at anything he participates in, he is well behaved at school in general but he is too sensitive & can't control his anger.