very mixed feelings..long story

[sheephater321]

hello everyone..I'm hoping for some advice. My husband and I have been ttc for quite a while. We recently got pregnant twice but lost both pregnancies within a 6 month span. It's been almost 3 months since the second m/c which means we have the dr's okay to start trying again real soon. Well..now i'm not sure what I want to do. I feel like I've been hit by a truck and then asked to produce a healthy happy human being. Most moms are surely exhausted after 1 normal pregnancy and birth and then adjusting to motherhood. I am having mixed feelings because part of me just DESPARATELY wants to be pregnant and "regain" what I feel was stolen from me twice. The other part of me just feels exhausted and isn't sure I'm up for the challenge. If the pregnancy is successful or if we lose a 3rd (god forbid)...either way it's going to add a lot of stress.
Then just to add to the strain I've had a lot of other problems for quite a while. I met my husband when was 17 yrs old (he was 22). We fell in love and I dropped out of college when I was 21 in order to live closer to him( he worked almost 4 hours away). Since then I've regretted that decision in a way because I know we could have worked around the distance. So now I have no career and no degree. I also live in an area I don't like because it's where my husband works. I justify this because he is the breadwinner, loves his job,and he is the one with the degree and career prospects right now. I am struggling on a personal level. I am now 26 btw..we've been married for 4 years. I have a social anxiety disorder that makes it hard for me to even leave the house. I have become kind of co-dependant with my husband which I hate about myself. But all of this said, I love my husband very much.
When we decided to start ttc, it was because we love each other and felt ready to share love with a child. I have been concerned about my issues, but decided to take the leap because I concluded that things will never be ideal and I just didn't picture much changing anytime soon. I guess i figured that things have been the same for the past 4 years, I'm approaching 30, and I didnt see anything changing anytime soon, so...why NOT now? I said that i've failed to find a career and get a degree during my life of 26 years and I don't see myself improving things anytime soon...why not? But I do have concerns about how having a baby would require even more sacrifice of personal goals. Of course, after what we've been through...losing two babies..I'm not so sure I care about making more sacrifices. I guess what scares me more than anything is NOT being able to have children at all.
So yeah....that's my life in a nutshell right now...lol...sorry for the book..I guess I'm just confused...any thoughts?

 

[mommy2lexi]

I am sorry you are going through all these emotions hun

I have a 18 month old and am trying (after a loss) for #2, so I can tell you that of course you are right, children do take a lot. But, it is truly a good thing.

You can still achieve your personal goals and be a mother. How many years of college did you do before droping out? You can pick back up in an online program (I have done most of my degree online)...my plans are to go to work when the babies hit school age (if our finances provide for that!! LOL).

I have social anxiety as well as OCD (related to anxiety...not the hand washing kind). SO I know where you are coming from with those feelings. Have you tried medication? I have been on prozac and it has helped a lot in the past.

Also, on a final note it sounds like you may be resenting your husband in a way for convincing you at a young age that the closeness in miles was a necessity to your relationship. Maybe you are worried that if you get pregnant the responsibility will all be on you for that as well? Seeing as how you feel you gave up things for him.

Again sweetie I am sorry you are having all these emotions I hope you find the answers you are looking for and are able to do what is best for YOU and what YOU want to do GL

 

[svetayasofiya]

Well no one can tell you what to do but yourself. But I'll give you my opinion and you can take it for what it is.

Going through two miscarriages is an awful lot to deal with physically and mentally. I just went through one 5 weeks ago. I thought I'd be over it by now, but I am not. I don't sit around crying but my outlook on things have changed. I still very much want to start a family, but I need a break. I need to wait a couple months before jumping back on that wagon so to speak. My husband doesn't really understand. He is confused how for months, it's all I wanted and could think about, but now I don't want it? I explained to him it has nothing to do with NOT wanting it. I'd do anything to be pg again with my angel baby. But I am not in a rush to be pg with a new one, because for me after the mc, everything has changed. I can't really explain it better than that.

I feel the same can be said for you. (Forgive me if I am wrong). For years you have devoted so much of yourself firstly to a) your marriage (by putting your goals on hold and moving to be with your now husband), and b) ttc. It takes a lot out of you, and twice now it hasn't worked. That's not to say it won't work, but I can understand you needing to refocus your life and take a break. I think you should. You are plently young enough to take a couple years, go back to school if that is what you want and get started on that career. Then, in a few years time, you guys can start ttc again. Don't stress about age, I am 35 (almost 36). I still am choosing to take a few months break. I am just not ready to go through all this again right now.

Again, only you know what's best for you, but I think it would benefit you to take some time to focus on yourself and what will make you happy. When you do eventually bring home that baby you'll be a better mommy for it.