Very naughty 5 year old feel like a failure

[Caelli86]

my 5 year old DS has since beginning of this year been extremely naughty.
We found out we was pregnant again in January so I knew he might become a bit naughty through jealousy, but now the twins are here I'm not too sure it's because of that.
He's besotted with his new brothers, helps with nappy changes and feeds and sits next to them in their bouncers to hold their hands. And I've heard him talking to them about how he's going to teach them stuff when they are bigger 😍😍

But his behaviour is appalling!
We've already been called into the school once before the holidays.
He has hit other children at school and flooded the school bath room.
He doesn't seem to do as he's told & doesn't listen. He also gets very angry and will grunt and scream at people.
The school referred him to the hospital for a hearing test which he passed.

During the school holidays he hasn't been that bad, just the usual not listening, not going to bed when told, up & down at night time time.
But now he's had his first week back at school he's become very naughty again.
He sized up to DH the other day whilse visiting me in hospital in front of my parents which was very embarrassing and then on Friday he came home with a red card.
This red card means he's been very naughty in school this week, they get a card each week (green, amber or red) and if you get two or more reds in a term you get called in for a meeting. His first week back at school & his has a red!
Because I had a terrible time after my c section , grandad picked him up from school and said he was told that DS had smacked & bitten another child! I am furious with DS and very upset about this.
We have a DD aswell and she is 9.We never had problems like this with her so I know it can't be our parenting skills, but I feel like such a bad mum. DS does get punished , he has been banned from using the tablet until he brings home a green card & this morning he asked for it and I explained to him why he couldn't have it and then he sized up to me! He put his fists in my face and growled at me!

I don't know what to do. I have tried sitting down with him and explaining that his behaviour is not acceptable , we've taken his fave things away from him, we've tried reward charts, we've got the naughty step (or garage if at grandmas) and we sent him to time out in his room. Nothing seems to get through to him.

Anyone got any other ideas??? DH is thinking perhaps he needs to see someone professionally for his behaviour?

 

[Eleanor ace]

That sounds really hard . I would ask for a meeting with your sons teacher to discuss his behaviour and get her perspective on what is going on. Firstly taking a proactive stance and showing that you are taking the bad behaviour seriously will help your DS's teacher see that you don't agree with how h's acting, and secondly she may have some insight into whether there are any triggers and whether he's said anything to suggest an underlying cause. It might be that something makes sense when you compare his behaviour at home and at school. I would ask what support your DS's school can offer; they might be able to refer him for play therapy which is a great option at his age, or have another suggestion such as a behaviourist who works with the school.

 

[Neko]

I think this can be a rough age. So much is expected of them behavior wise especially in school, yet not all children all emotionally ready to be big kids at this age. My son had quite a bit of trouble controlling himself at 5, I had the child study team on me suggesting he needed to be tested. Fortunately the guidance counselor was a bit more savvy and said his behavior wasn't out of the norm for a child his age. Boys just seem to take much longer to settle down than girls, yet the same behavior is expected of both.

But if you have access to easily get some testing done or therapy, I would act on it. It certainly can't hurt as you seem to be having issues at home and at school. Maybe a professional could help him give words to whatever is making him act so aggressively.


As a side note, my normally well behaved 4 year old DD decided to write on the wall in pen last night. I now have her name perfectly written backwards in my hall. It never ends.

 

[Cattia]

I think a lot of children, and especially boys, struggle with the demands that school makes on them in terms of behaviour. The natural thing for them to be doing at this age is running around outside and learning through activity, yet we expect them to to sitting down and doing academic work. There are some kids this suits but a whole lot more who it doesn't. My son has also been through some really tricky behaviour since my DD2 was born in April (he has always been a handful even before that). I actually had the health visitor out to assess him after DD was born as I was convinced there had to be something wrong with him, but she assured me after going through lots of paperwork and observing him, that there isn't anything wrong with him, other than being a high energy boy.
One thing I have noticed with my son is that when he is on his own with me (or DH, or my parents) he is like a different child - really well behaved and so so much calmer. I know how hard it is to have a baby to look after (let alone two) but I wonder whether there is any way you could try to build in some individual time with him where you can give him all your attention? If there is someone to watch the babies for you even just for half an hour, you could take him out to a cafe or for a special treat once a week, just you and him? Or maybe if you have help at bedtime with them, then you could give him 15 minutes talking time where you can just talk about something he is interested in? I'm not saying it will solve all the problems but making him feel special might help? It's just something that does make a difference for us.