very upset and confused...long post

[Ashleigh21]

Hi everyone, apologies for the long winded post but I really need advice on this one.

Oh and I havnt been getting on very well for a long time due to his lack of responsibility. He spends one full day a week with lo and I , which also has to be spent with his friends and drinking alcohol.

We went to visit oh's aunt and uncle in Norfolk back in February, taking his father and stepmother with us. Lo and I ended up leaving a day early as he was teething and was really unsettled because of the strange people/environment. We left early morning as the weather was bad and didn't want to be delayed on what was already a 5 hr car journey so oh agreed to apologise and say goodbye on my behalf. I then got a very Nasty phonecall from his stepmother a few days later calling me an "irresponsible mother" and pitying lo for having such a "negative" mother. What upset me the most was that sue called me "abnormal" when she knew I had problems adjusting to being a new mum (was tested for pnd but not diagnosed). Previous to this we had been so close so I cannot understand why she's behaving this way. She is texting oh constantly asking to see "her grandson" but not to allow me to go as she doesn't want to see me, as if I'm the one in the wrong. Anyway she's managed to manipulate oh into taking her side and he now also believes I'm in the wrong. I'm so upset with everything That in considering breaking up with Oh as I can't be with someone who doesn't support me, especially after seeing how much I struggled in the beginning with lo. To be called a bad mum is possibly the worst thing she could have said.

My worries are that if we break up oh is suddenly going to take an interest and want to take lo unsupervised. This worries me so much as I know he'll take him straight to see the stepmother. Shes very obsessive over lo and ive recently learned that her friend overheard her telling a shop assistant he was hers!!

I'm also worried about oh being responsible for lo as I don't believe he puts lo first and would end up taking him to the pub/ smoking around him.

The last thing I want is a court battle but I simply can't trust oh to be in charge of our 8 month old let alone have this dangerous woman near him too.

Anyone have any advice? As I'm considering staying in an unhappy relationship in order to stay with my son

 

[Dream.dream]

Staying in a relationship with someone in that's situation really isn't good for you or your son. If he can't be a good dad to your LO and a good partner to you that's a no brainer.

You may not want a court battle but honestly sometimes its the best thing. You can't keep him from his son and you can't keep his mom away either as they both have rights , however you can get it setup if you go to court so they can't do things like smoke around your son and you two can work out a plan for co parenting

I'm a legal assistant and paralegal student Is there more going on? Because other then smoking around baby ( they can't actually bring a baby to bar so I do t think it something to worry about there) . It's really in your sons best interest that you find a way to co parent effectively

 

[Ashleigh21]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I really believe his stepmother is a risk to my son though, who tells people someone else's baby is theirs?? As a STEP mother to oh does she really have rights? With regards to oh he's never looked after lo for any significant length of time before so I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him in his care. There have been a few occasions when I have left lo with him while I quickly went to the shop and when I can back oh was in bed asleep while lo was rolling around on the bed beside him and another time lo was left crying covered in vomit while oh was sat playing computer games. I really don't believe he is up to the responsibility.

I'm also a bit concerned that if it does end up going to court they may use the fact that I struggled initially against me? Do you think this is possible?

 

[Dream.dream]

No they can't use the fact that you struggled against you. Best advice I can give is be prepared , have character witnesses for yourself . If you can take a parenting class ( even if you don't need it it looks good) , and make sure you have a stable home and are able to support baby and yourself . Of you make your self look amazing and he stays the way he is he doesn't have a chance .also document everything g he does . If he's supposed to be watching baby and is sleeping write it down with date and time. If he goes and get drunk write it Down. Then you can hand everything to the judge as proof that its been on going .

If she's married to his dad they yes she has rights. You can ask that it be supervised but some he doesn't like you I doubt she'll exercise that . Same with dad if he's unfit too for him he'll probably get supervised visitation.

My sons dad and all the court crap he tried is the reason I'm in law right now lol

 

[Dezireey]

My mother always used to say to me when I was having e.g problems in work or maybe with friendships etc that I should never give anyone bullets to fire or ammunition against me. I thought she was crazy saying this but as I grew up I knew exactly what she meant. It's about being the bigger person, saying nothing, letting someone else sink themselves. Let someone take bites out of you whilst your head is always held high.Keep someone guessing about who you really are.

Don't engage in any more trivial conversations with this woman, keep it short and simple if you have to. Don't say bad things about her to your partner. Take a different tactic. It will turn into a 'she said' and 'I said' battle. remain calm, cool and collected.Show your OH that you are the better person.

You might not think it but you hold the cards here. You are LO's mother and you should have the last say. They appear to be bullying you in my opinion. I don't believe that a step grandmother has any rights, she is a bit delusional. I would try to compromise on things as best you can for now to keep the peace.

As for your partner. Don't stay with a man just because you don't want the hassle of a court case or the hassle of breaking up. If you are truly unhappy with this man and can see no future for you both, then you should leave him.

 

[Ashleigh21]

My mother always used to say to me when I was having e.g problems in work or maybe with friendships etc that I should never give anyone bullets to fire or ammunition against me. I thought she was crazy saying this but as I grew up I knew exactly what she meant. It's about being the bigger person, saying nothing, letting someone else sink themselves. Let someone take bites out of you whilst your head is always held high.Keep someone guessing about who you really are.

Don't engage in any more trivial conversations with this woman, keep it short and simple if you have to. Don't say bad things about her to your partner. Take a different tactic. It will turn into a 'she said' and 'I said' battle. remain calm, cool and collected.Show your OH that you are the better person.

You might not think it but you hold the cards here. You are LO's mother and you should have the last say. They appear to be bullying you in my opinion. I don't believe that a step grandmother has any rights, she is a bit delusional. I would try to compromise on things as best you can for now to keep the peace.

As for your partner. Don't stay with a man just because you don't want the hassle of a court case or the hassle of breaking up. If you are truly unhappy with this man and can see no future for you both, then you should leave him.

Thanks. I no longer speak to her, any contact goes through oh. I agree and think I'm being bullied too. I havnt said she can't see him full stop, I just want to be there (due to the fact she pretends he's hers etc..!) Which isn't good enough for her, and neither her nor oh will compromise. Put it this way if she wanted to see him that bad she'd do it under any circumstance! I also agree that she has no rights, she's merely a woman who happens to have married my fil!

I believe I am being he grown up by suggesting a visit with me there but as I said they won't allow me to be there so in my eyes they're being unreasonable. I do love oh to bits bit the fact that he's told me "it's all my fault" and I'm being unfair (when I'm the ones who's been so hurt by her comments) is just so heartbreaking that I don't think I can stay with him, yet I'm afraid I'm not strong enough for a court battle.

 

[Dezireey]

Anyone that says to me that they wish to have time with MY son and stipulate that I am not to be present ever, will, in my books, never be granted access to my son at all.

That is totally unacceptable and this stepmum would march to the beat of my drum and pay attention to what I want for my child and certainly not the other way around. How does someone even come up with that line? 'I want to see my step grandchild but he must never be with his Mum?' WTF?

I would just calmly look at my OH and say 'no, She sees him on MY terms and not on hers'

I would not immediately say that she can never see your LO again but I would certainly put the frighteners on her and stop access immediately, so that she gets the message that she cannot EVER dictate to you, the mother of the child that she always sees YOUR child without you.

Sheesh, some people have some balls don't they?

 

[Ashleigh21]

Haha my thoughts exactly! Who is she to tell me what I can and can't do with my child. She even had the audacity to text and say it would be nice if she could go back to having him twice a week like she used to!! As if I give a s**t what is "nice" for her after she's been far from nice to me! She's lucky I'm even being this flexible offering supervised visits in my opinion!!

 

[Seren0613]

Hi everyone, apologies for the long winded post but I really need advice on this one.

Oh and I havnt been getting on very well for a long time due to his lack of responsibility. He spends one full day a week with lo and I , which also has to be spent with his friends and drinking alcohol.

We went to visit oh's aunt and uncle in Norfolk back in February, taking his father and stepmother with us. Lo and I ended up leaving a day early as he was teething and was really unsettled because of the strange people/environment. We left early morning as the weather was bad and didn't want to be delayed on what was already a 5 hr car journey so oh agreed to apologise and say goodbye on my behalf. I then got a very Nasty phonecall from his stepmother a few days later calling me an "irresponsible mother" and pitying lo for having such a "negative" mother. What upset me the most was that sue called me "abnormal" when she knew I had problems adjusting to being a new mum (was tested for pnd but not diagnosed). Previous to this we had been so close so I cannot understand why she's behaving this way. She is texting oh constantly asking to see "her grandson" but not to allow me to go as she doesn't want to see me, as if I'm the one in the wrong. Anyway she's managed to manipulate oh into taking her side and he now also believes I'm in the wrong. I'm so upset with everything That in considering breaking up with Oh as I can't be with someone who doesn't support me, especially after seeing how much I struggled in the beginning with lo. To be called a bad mum is possibly the worst thing she could have said.

My worries are that if we break up oh is suddenly going to take an interest and want to take lo unsupervised. This worries me so much as I know he'll take him straight to see the stepmother. Shes very obsessive over lo and ive recently learned that her friend overheard her telling a shop assistant he was hers!!

I'm also worried about oh being responsible for lo as I don't believe he puts lo first and would end up taking him to the pub/ smoking around him.

The last thing I want is a court battle but I simply can't trust oh to be in charge of our 8 month old let alone have this dangerous woman near him too.

Anyone have any advice? As I'm considering staying in an unhappy relationship in order to stay with my son

Sounds like you're potentially headed into a custody battle. All I can say is, be prepared. Document everything and save money for a lawyer. You never know if you'll need it. In the mean time, walk on eggshells with her. You don't want to provoke her to put custody into his head and take you to court while you are not prepared. Get prepared and file for custody first.

 

[Ashleigh21]

*update* hi everyone. I finally asked oh to leave on Saturday night after reaching my limit. He came round on Sunday, picked up a bag of clothes and left. Didn't even go and see lo or ask after him.

He called me this evening demanding to have lo on Friday and Saturday. He's never looked after lo in the whole 9 months of his life so how can he expect me to allow this to happen?

Problem is I'm going away on Thursday and lo is staying with my parents. I'm really worried that oh will try and take lo while I'm away. can he do this if I've entrusted his care with my parents? ? Please don't think I'm being harsh, I have no problem with oh seeing lo, I just know he wouldn't be well looked after and he'd be at risk when oh takes him to visit his dad and stepmother.

Oh and I forgot to mention he's moved back in with his alcoholic mother who gives lo carrier bags to play with!! There's also no baby supplies there (cot, bottles etc)

 

[Ceejay123]

I've no idea sweetie... Honestly I'd just tell him no for now. Access can be worked out, but he needs to think how much he can cope with! x

 

[Ashleigh21]

Thanks for replying! The other week he was lying in bed and I asked him to watch lo so I could go in the shower...he told me to f off and looking after lo was my job as he has to go to work!!! So what's with the sudden 'doting dad' act lol?? The mind boggles