Want to TTC but OH doesn't

[Bmary83]

Hi

This is prob not the right forum to post in but I can't find another that seems to fit.

I'm 26, my boyf is 28. We've been togheter 5 years. We're both educated, both got good jobs, career prospects, a house, cars and a reasonably amount of savings. As far as I'm concerned I've done everything they way society says we're "supposed to" when thinking about bringing a child into to world, except get married, (which I would like but I'm not toooo bothered about), but my bf says no when I talk aout wanting to start a family.

Its not that he says never, just not yet! Which is fine in principal but I would be a lot more satisfied if he said when. It makes me wonder if he means that he just doesn't want them with me. In an effort to try to come to a compromise, I said I would give me a deadline of 2 years, in which time he had to decide if he wanted kids or not, and if he decided not then I would move on from this relationship.

He now has 12 months left, while he had said a few encouraging things about if we did have a child, like baby names and possibly his mum minding it while I'm at work, his stance is still very much no, n he would be happy if I got a puppy instead. He admits that his attitude is selfish, not just towards me and my feelings but also the fact he enjoys just being able to do what he wants when he wants.

I'm at the end of my tether as I love him so much, I try not to push him on the subject but sometimes I feel is behaving like a spoilt brat and not considering my feelings/broodiness. I know he would be a great dad as in every other way he is extremely kind and loving towards me and his family and friends.

Am I being unreasonable and should I just shut up n be thankful for what I have?

 

[pansylove]

my position was exactly the same. it wasn't like 'have a baby or else im leaving you' but that's how he took it.
i just didn't want to progress in a relationship if we both want very different futures.
it got to the day before i was actually going to leave, and then we talked about it properly and we both compromised.

don't feel like he just doesn't want it with you, men just have a massive problem admitting they're not 'young' anymore.

just sit down and honestly talk about it all. tell him exactly how you feel.
i don't know how to explain it better .. but i was in exactly the same situation so you know you're not the only one

 

[kittylady]

Hi

Maybe he's just a bit scared of the prospect. My partner worries about the implications so much he doesn't like to talk about it that often but he'd love kids. I think if you explained it he might be more keen or at leat you might get some sort of timescale.

 

[Bmary83]

So what happened in your situation?

 

[Bmary83]

Sorry, wat happend in your situation? U TTC now Pansylove?

 

[mushmouth]

don't feel like he just doesn't want it with you, men just have a massive problem admitting they're not 'young' anymore.

I couldn't agree more - when OH and I got together we both said we'd give it 5 yrs, but 3 years on, if you mention it, he gets real stuffy. He doesnt want children "making noise" or "interupting football" but sometimes he'll say things that make me think He is just scared about things changing too much... I know he is worried about the effect it would have on our sex life, which I cant assure him either way, as I have no idea! he'll say "I'm still young yanno..." when I mention his age, he really thinks he's 27, when he's almost 29, and won't believe me until i make him do the math!

some times he'll say he doesnt want them at all, other times he wants to wait till we have more money, etc. they aren't half confusing creatures!

 

[Bmary83]

I know, its sooo frustrating! It really gets me down at times. I try not to nag him but I do mention it, mostly in a jokey kinda o way, so as not to cause an argument, hoping he'll wanna talk but no.

 

[mushmouth]

do you get the whole "do you ever stpo talking about babies????" comment? when you know for a fact you havent mentioned it forever, infact he has more than you...

 

[Amygdala]

I think you should sit him down and seriously talk about whether we wants kids or not. A lot of guys just can't imagine what it's going to be like so exposing them to other people's kids or telling them little everyday anectodes might help (just off-hand without making it a big deal). That might help him get into the mind set. A lot of girls here will tell you that their OHs just changed their minds one day, quite unexpectedly. But if he's convinced that he NEVER wants kids then I think you're right in rethinking the relationship. Somehow he doesn't sound like that to me though. I'd bet that this time next year you either have a big bump or are on your way to one.

 

[Amygdala]

Ps: our situation was VERY similar to yours a year ago and now OH couldn't be more excited. I think it's just harder for them to imagine and much harder to talk about their fears and worries about babies because we women are usually 'naturals' and get a lot more practise.

 

[pansylove]

yeah totally agree with amy!
i'm not ttc yet, we agreed september 2010 just after his 26th birthday.
basically i wanted to ttc a while ago, but he wanted to in may 2012, so we came to a sort of middle ground.
and i know it's not him not wanting kids, because he gets so excited about it. i think it just hasn't hit him that he's not 18 anymore! he has admitted it terrifies him, but in the same sentence he will rub my belly and be all cute.
men are just wierd, and like amy said they just don't have the natural instinct we have.

honestly Bmary, if he genuinely wants kids, and he genuinely loves you and wants to spend his life with you, then he will eventually come to a compromise. it won't be oh okay lets ttc right now - because if he's not ready you can't force him.. but if you both respect each other you will be able to compromise and do what's right for your family and relationship

hope everything goes well. let us know when you have a proper chat with him!
....my fingers hurt from typing!!

 

[Bmary83]

Thanks everyone, i'm gonna leave off having a chat to him about it for a few months, we only jus spoke about it over xmas again, don't wannt be going over old ground n then have him dig his heels in. In my heart I no that he wants em someday cuz some of the things he says when I mention babies are quite positive, he just wants to wait til i'm 30 n he's 32. He doesn't seem to realise that it could a yr for it to happen??? Also, when I was younger I was on the depo injection. No one told me at the time it was true but apparently if you're on it for a longe period of time it can make he hard to conceive. The practice nurse actually told me this when I having blood taken for a different thing. Tho when I asked my currect doctor about it he said he nev heard such a thing! This obv makes me paranod cuz I won't know if there a problem til we start trying? Have any of you ever heard this?