Wanting a child

[NickJen0118]

Hi,

My name is Nick and I am a 27 y/o male who is trucking through life finishing up medical school and bartending so I can bring the love of my life (currently living in Ottawa) to the states with her 7 year old son. It has always been a dream of mine to have children and go through those special 9 months with my wife bringing in our child together.

I was speaking with my girlfriend today who is fertile with no health problems and she made a statement that put in a depression telling me she'd rather have a surrogate mother instead of going through pregnancy again. That was really disheartening to me, and evoked feelings of sadness, pain, and depression.

I'd been more open to the idea if it were a case where infertility was the backbone of the argument, but her reasoning seemed more cosmetic-based and even stated, "i never said i dont want to experience that with you i said i dont want to go through another pregnancy and childbirth -
its hard and destroys your body and i wanna feel sexy". She also did make the argument that pregnancy do come with complications, even death, however, as a 4th year medical student I am cognizant of the advancements in science and medicine and the risk of complications in modern day pregnancies are far less than they were some odd years ago.

She proceeded to say that my desire for her to carry my child in her womb is selfish and that it's, "my body, not your body". She claimed that as a male, all I would do is sit back and watch for the 9 months. I felt a little hurt with that statement as well. Mind you, she has a 7 year old child that I am not the biological father of (which immaturely on my end has evoked some feelings of jealousy) and I absolutely love the kid to death and wish I was his biological father everyday

Genuinely, I've been excited for the birth of my first child and am at the point on my life where I want to start a family. I want to be there for my girlfriend (future wife) for those nine months, taking her to her doctor visits, rubbing her belly feeling my son/daughter kick, going out at crazy hours in the morning to satisfy her odd hunger cravings. I find pregnancies extremely special for both parties, but at the same time understand her argument that I am not the one putting my body through 9 months of pregnancy.

I've given her the counter-argument that there are so many couples out there who would trade the world to be fertile and need to resort to surrogacy or adoption to have a child together, and in essence her not wanting to carry our child in her womb is selfish on her end.

So females of baby and bump, I would like to hear your views, thoughts, and responses on my matter. I am not really interested in the male perspective, but rather hear the opinions of other women. Am I being selfish? Do I have the right to get upset over this? Thoughts, concerns, arguments, counterarguments. Please don't hold back!

Thank you for taking your time to read my thoughts and concerns and look forward to reading your responses!

-Nick

 

[TTC First]

Oh man, that is such a tough position for you. As a man you are naturally at the mercy of the woman.

With that being said, I totally understand your position and believe that you are not asking too much. If you were to use a surrogate you would not be able to see the day to day growth of the baby belly. I am sure that it would be a great thing to lay next to your pregnant wife and hold her belly. There is little that you can personally experience in pregnancy due to mother nature so it is great to experience everything that you can.

Not that I am taking her side, however don't loose sight of the end goal. If she digs her heals in, I don't think it should cause a problem between the two of you. Remember that you will have so many years ahead with your own child after they are born.

Lets hope that she changes her mind!

 

[europa59]

This is a big point of disagreement, and you need to resolve it before you get married. A lot of couples don't and end up divorcing later when one or the other realizes they really do/don't want a child and the other won't come around. My recommendation is that the two of you have a really long discussion about what you both want and try to find some common ground.

If, at the end of the process, you find you can't reach an agreement, then I would seriously reconsider continuing the relationship if having a child is that important to you. I'm sorry for being blunt, but having children is one of the big 'deal breakers' in a relationship.

 

[PresqueVu]

but her reasoning seemed more cosmetic-based and even stated, "i never said i dont want to experience that with you i said i dont want to go through another pregnancy and childbirth -
its hard and destroys your body and i wanna feel sexy". She also did make the argument that pregnancy do come with complications, even death, however, as a 4th year medical student I am cognizant of the advancements in science and medicine and the risk of complications in modern day pregnancies are far less than they were some odd years ago.

Personally, I read that as rather dismissive of her fears and you seem to be acting as if she is pretty shallow. The changes pregnancy and childbirth do are not small. Neither are the dangers. Numbers are massively scary when they apply to you personally, trust me on that!

I felt alienated from my body throughout pregancy. It was a very hard time, and a lot went wrong. You are romantising it a lot and that's easy to do when you don't actually know the reality.

Thats not to say she might not have an easy ride of it, but you need to understand that her fears and concerns have basis in fact, and possibly in her own experience.You haven't mentioned anything about whether her first pregnancy had any complications, or what the delivery was like, or if she had PND or PTSD after. If you don't know these things in general, and for her experience, that might help you understand better.

I think rather than focusing on what this information means to you, you could do with talking over what her specific fears are and what this means for you both.

And trying to emotionally blackmail her into it by saying she should feel selfish by not doing her duty as a fertile woman and because other people cannot do what her body can - that's pretty low imo.

 

[Topanga053]

I agree with Europa that you need to resolve this before you get married. This is a huge, fundamental disagreement.

With that said, she is entitled to feel how she does, but I have a very difficult time with a woman saying she doesn't want to be pregnant again because she won't feel sexy. She is perfectly entitled to feel that way, but I think that IS shallow. I miscarried my first pregnancy and struggled to get pregnant again afterwards. Probably as a result, pregnancy is the happiest I've ever been. Even morning sickness, and pre-e with quasi bed rest and a rushed induction toward the end of my pregnancy did not bother me. Most days, I MISS being pregnant. Even with a "difficult" pregnancy (I didn't think of it that way at all, but I suppose that's what it was), I loved every minute of it. And now that my belly is sagging and covered in stretch marks, I recognize that my body is no longer "sexy" in the conventional sense, but I'm proud of every one of the stretch marks since they are what gave me my daughter. "Sacrificing" my "sexy" body for her was not a sacrifice at all. It was a gift I gave and would give a million times over. After losing my first baby, I realized just how miraculous and precious life is.

So my answer is no, you are not being unreasonable in wanting to experience your wife carrying your child. It is an immensely special experience and connection. (My husband, who didn't want kids, kissed my belly last night and asked if I remembered how he used to talk to our daughter when she was in there.) But, shallow or not, she is entitled to not want to carry another child herself. If she isn't going to change her mind, you need to decide if that's something you can live with (as well as the cost of a surrogacy, which is not cheap). If not, you will need to think long and hard about whether this relationship really should turn into a marriage.

It's a hard situation and I wish both of you the best of luck as you try to figure it out.

 

[karenh]

I agree with Europa that you need to resolve this before you get married. This is a huge, fundamental disagreement.

With that said, she is entitled to feel how she does, but I have a very difficult time with a woman saying she doesn't want to be pregnant again because she won't feel sexy. She is perfectly entitled to feel that way, but I think that IS shallow. I miscarried my first pregnancy and struggled to get pregnant again afterwards. Probably as a result, pregnancy is the happiest I've ever been. Even morning sickness, and pre-e with quasi bed rest and a rushed induction toward the end of my pregnancy did not bother me. Most days, I MISS being pregnant. Even with a "difficult" pregnancy (I didn't think of it that way at all, but I suppose that's what it was), I loved every minute of it. And now that my belly is sagging and covered in stretch marks, I recognize that my body is no longer "sexy" in the conventional sense, but I'm proud of every one of the stretch marks since they are what gave me my daughter. "Sacrificing" my "sexy" body for her was not a sacrifice at all. It was a gift I gave and would give a million times over. After losing my first baby, I realized just how miraculous and precious life is.

So my answer is no, you are not being unreasonable in wanting to experience your wife carrying your child. It is an immensely special experience and connection. (My husband, who didn't want kids, kissed my belly last night and asked if I remembered how he used to talk to our daughter when she was in there.) But, shallow or not, she is entitled to not want to carry another child herself. If she isn't going to change her mind, you need to decide if that's something you can live with (as well as the cost of a surrogacy, which is not cheap). If not, you will need to think long and hard about whether this relationship really should turn into a marriage.

It's a hard situation and I wish both of you the best of luck as you try to figure it out.

My thoughts exactly. Sorry for your loss!

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

What a tricky situation. Hope it gets resolved. Sorry no advice. X

 

[YuLingCB]

Hi, Nick! I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with this. I can understand that you are eager to start a family and help your girlfriend go through the 9 months of pregnancy as well as all of the other related issues that come with being pregnant. I really commend you for wanting to stay committed and be a source of support for her.

However, I can also see your girlfriend's point of view and understand her reluctance to experience another pregnancy again. I am wondering if the reason for this is because of your girlfriend's age. Not knowing how old she is, I can only guess that your girlfriend may be feeling that her body will not be able to physically endure another round of pregnancy. Even if she is healthy and fertile, your girlfriend may still be unsure of her ability to carry a child for 9 months and then go through the discomfort of labor. As a few of the other ladies have pointed out in their responses, your girlfriend's experiences with her first pregnancy may have helped her to come to a decision to not go through it again.

I sympathize with you and the difficult situation you are facing. As Europa59 pointed out, you have to discuss this with your girlfriend and have an honest and open communication with her. This may be hard for you to do, but try to see things from her perspective in order to better understand her feelings about this.

I wish the both of you all the best and I hope that things will work out well for you in the end. Good luck!

 

[kosh]

I agree with what's been said before and I think the most important thing is that you talk to your OH to understand what happened during her pregnancy/birth to make her feel that way about a future pregnancy, because I agree that 'not feeling sexy' does sound a bit shallow.
Also, what no one has mentioned is that surrogacy in itself might bring lots of other issues. I think it is a great choice for couples who cannot have children, but it would be naive to take it lightly.

 

[Lightning2]

I'm coming in late here, but I would like to chime in as one who is on her 2nd Gestational Surrogacy. First: surrogacy and/or adoption should NEVER be used for "cosmetic" purposes such as she has suggested. If she went somewhere like surromomsonline.com (or you went there for that matter and posted this same thread) she would get eaten alive for her erroneous thinking. #1: pregnancy IS still dangerous at times. People DO still die. It is hard on the body. I'm terribly offended that she thinks someone else should risk their life so she can enjoy a baby without any of the risks or consequences, when she is perfectly capable of shouldering that burden herself. What she is suggesting just supports the suggestion that women and children can be bought or sold. #2: while you will read many differing opinions on this from surrogates, I will give you mine: I am acutely aware this is not my child biologically, but that is the ONLY thing that will make it "easier" to hand the child to it's parents. It's darn near impossible for a person to carry a child for 9-10 months and NOT feel attached, or at least a great deal of love for it. It hurt the first time, and it's going to hurt the second. That's on my end. On the baby's end, we know that babies are very in-tune with mom's voice, smell, that mom as all the equipment (I.e. breast milk) to care for it. Again, this is MY opinion, but while necessary in GS, separation is difficult for the child as well.....why in the WORLD would you force a child through that unnecessarily? My first GS, it absolutely ate my intended mother alive that she could not carry her own baby, feel her moving inside. I ached for her. I sacrificed for her so she could have the end result, the baby she truly wanted, but I know she still hurts over the loss of carrying her own pregnancy. It was a hard process for all of us.....a real labor of love. And not one I would ever repeat again because someone couldn't stand the thought of losing their flat belly (I'm sorry, my blood just sort of boils thinking about it). you seem like a reasonable guy and I just want to let you know I am totally on your side on this one, again I believe this is erroneous thinking on her part. You do not want to miss out on those opportunities to bond in utero, to rub your wife's belly and sing to your baby. And forgive my being so cut and dry, but she is wrong to believe it's okay to outsource her maternal duties she is perfectly capable of. On that note, is she aware the cost is generally around $100,000 for the procedures and surrogate pay? Is she going to help with some of that, or is your medical schooling her ticket to easy-street? Since she doesn't want to carry the pregnancy, is she also going to want a full-time nanny to avoid the wrinkles that come with late-night feedings? You're right to question all of this, in my opinion you would be silly not to. Good luck!!!!!