Was thinking of sending this letter to FOB

[Welshcob]

All

As you know I am finding the FOBs behaviour totally incomprehensible and somehow I felt I might feel better sending him this letter. But I don't want to make trouble with him. Especially as solicitor is writing him a letter soon.
But I find it so hard to move forward when everything was so suddenly cut off and it makes no sense!

Here it is girls. But if you think I should not send, I won't. Its just stuff I need to get off my chest


=========proposed message========================
Hoping you are OK. I felt the need to write to you one last time. I really needed to say how confused I am about what has happened. I need to tell you that I don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand why you said you wanted a baby with me and as soon as you find out that I am pregnant, you cut me off. Worse than that, you simply treat me like I do not exist. There is no explanation, no clue about what is going on. Just cut off. Then you call me over to talk about what you what part you want to be in the babies life and you just completely blank me. Treating me like I was invisible and staring at me in that threatening menacing way you used to in the old days and when you were drunk.
I can’t make sense of it as it makes no sense. What would make sense would be to re affirm your feelings for me and explain that you are afraid and work through things together. But you instead look at me with eyes filled with anger and hate and you just blank me.
I did not want any of this. I never wanted to be treated badly and abandoned again by you. This is the same old story as it has been at countless other times with you. Like when you left me when my mother was dying – no explanation and just walked.
How you were when you met that woman and refused to discuss it with me.
I seriously am struggling to make sense of it. You told the police that I was your ex. So I absolutely got the message that you are done with me and the baby.
I also tried to invite you to the scans, but you just blank me. So I guess there is utterly no point in pursuing that as you have abandoned me and the baby.
But the behaviour, is both socially unacceptable and incomprehensible. An explanation would have been in order.

I think I know you far better than you know yourself. Although I doubt my own instincts. I feel that perhaps the situation is this.
During the three weeks prior to the 22nd when you ignored me, you were taking yourself through a cycle during which your anger towards me has built and built. This anger is based in truth at the fact that I am pregnant and you now feel out of control. This anger has been churning through your head where you have been building a case to justify this anger towards me. So instead of sitting down and talking logically, you shut yourself away to take yourself down this path.
It doesn’t lead to happiness (name) I promise you. And this justification you have built in your head for hating and loathing me…and directing all your anger at me. Is not real. This is in your head.

The reality is that I have loved you more than anyone else. That I do not accept being abused by being ignored, blanked, totally abandoned and having any needs completely ignored and that of the baby. I do not accept being with a man who behaves like a spoiled child. This is what you are doing. You are essentially having a massive temper tantrum because you are out of control and directing the anger, frustration and hatred at me. When you are having one of these “episodes”, your anger has no limits. You care not what the consequences are and you care not how much pain you inflict. In fact, that gives you a sense of control and purpose back. So helps you feel better.

Essentially all that I have done wrong ( in your eyes) is to have got pregnant and to have been needing you. Which I think is understandable – all pregnant women need their partner.
As I said I can’t and won’t make you do something you don’t want. I can say hand on heart that I am amazingly happy about this baby. I am sad that its father has abandoned it. But the behaviour is not that of a role model. A role model must be stable, loving and caring. Which you have absolutely not exhibited.
I just hope that you come to realise that your illogical behaviour is what destroys your hopes for a future. Its still doing that after all these years. I know you know the truth.
I know you know that I love you. I just don’t know that you have ever loved me. Either it was all a lie or ….what you are doing now is just a lie and you will come to see it as such.
What ever happens I hope you do find the happiness you seek. I pray that you will be true to yourself and others and treat others the way you would wish to be treated..... not the way you live your life now and in the past.

 

[babystar]

 

[Tigger Momma]

OK, I think that your letter is very self explanatory and it makes perfect sense. I do however think that if he does respond and says that he will mend his ways that you may be setting yourself up for disappointment in the future. I know that you love him and would like him to act better but what if it gets too tough when the baby gets here and the baby has allready gotten to know the daddy? What happens if its too much for him. Anyone can change and be a better person but I think that he needs to show you drastic change for the better in order for you to consider going back with him because now you have to worry about him leaving not just you but the baby when the going gets too tough. And then if he responds in a way that you dont like and doesnt want to support you and baby anymore for hiw own selfish reasons that it will hurt your feelings and make you feel worse. I think in order to make yourself feel better about the situation you should say that Im leaving him alone unless he shows drastic improvement for the babys sake. That way he cant reject you and you know that you are doing the right thing for you and your precious baby.

 

[edinsam]

hun I wrote something similar to my ex and in reality made the situation worse - i wish now I had had the balls and guts to not as now he just thinks I am emotional wreck (which I am but it kills me to give him the satisfaction)

If I was you I would rise above it - if his solicitor is sending him a letter I would just leave it at that...

But hey thats just me, I totally understand why you would want to

Thinking of you and hope the solicitors get it sorted for you

Take care

Sam
x

 

[Welshcob]

Girls I so appreciate your feedback. Maybe it isn't the smartest thing to do. Maybe I should just leave it. I just wish he would speak to me explain something - anything. He didn't even say he was my ex - he told the Police I was his ex! I just find the whole thing so upsetting and I don't have any support from family either at the moment. The solicitor has sent me a copy of a letter they want to send him...it sounds so harsh and so ....well horrible...I know its because I am soft, pathetic and wet! I made a few changes to it to soften it a bit. I think I am finding it hard to let to. When they have amended the letter I'll let you see the copy and see what you think. xxx

 

[edinsam]

aw hun I know I know, its so hard, just hang on in there. Someone told me the other day that at this stage in relationship breakup that its the horrible part - its the cruel, insulting part and I personally feel there is no need for it but guys just seem to have this as their coping mechanism. I have to say a few weeks ago I was like you and trying everything to be amicable and nice to him to make things better but do you know what - f (bad word there) them. Its them that have made it like this, not us. We have tried and tried and do you know what seek reassurance in that you can't change him like this. In time I am sure he will calm down but that is his choice - please dont beat yourself up about it. I am starting to come to that way of thinking and god boy do I know what you are going through. I have to see my ex every day and he has never once explained to me why he left, never. I have asked god knows how many times, I have cried with him many times just asking for closer - nothing and do you know what hun enough is enough, we can only take too much. Don't be a victim to him any longer. Head up hun, and show him what you are made of.

That solicitor letter needs to be strong so he gets the idea - look at what he has done to you. Please let your anger take you through this horrible part - thats what I am doing.

You are not alone - you may not have many friends but you have us on here. Please email me any time you are down or need someone to talk to - I will try my best to help

Chin up

xxxx

 

[edinsam]

another thing is someone once told me this saying

"you're a victim once, then you are a volunteer" it is singly the most amazing saying I have heard.

Please don't volunteer yourself anymore to this man who could treat you so appallingly

hang on in there sweetie

Sam
xxx

 

[melcb]

hi,
ive read a couple of your posts regarding your situation. ive been in a similar situation myself and i can honestly say with hindsight i shouldnt have bothered trying to get in touch. i know youre confused and needing closure...i cant see you getting it, not right now anyway. you have to accept the situation for what it is and let him get on with whatever he wants to do and you do the same. your head is in bits now, but it will get better and you will feel better eventually. maybe in time he'll get in touch, maybe he wont. dont dwell on it. chin up and best foot forward. this may seem harsh, but you'll keep your self respect and eventually you'll learn to live with whatever happens (or doesnt) between you two.

 

[Welshcob]

Girls here is my softened version of the solicitors letter. What do you think?


Our client instructs us that for the last few months, you have used both threatening and abusive behaviour towards her on a number of occasions, the last being on the 22nd April 2009.



We have advised our Client that she is in a position to obtain a Court Order to protect herself from you using any violence against her. However, our Client would prefer at this stage to try to resolve matters between you both without the need for a Court Order. This is provided that you stop your aggressive behaviour towards her immediately.



We must warn you that if as a result of this letter you attempt to threaten or intimidate our Client in any way, or you are violent towards her, we shall have no hesitation in applying to the Court for an order to protect her.



We recommend that you obtain independent legal advice regarding the contents of this letter. We suggest you contact Resolution, formerly known as the Solicitors Family Law Association (SFLA) on 01689 850227 for details of members of Resolution in your area. We recommend that you consult a Resolution member who will normally be a specialist in family law; Resolution members are committed to adopting an amicable approach in all family matters.



If you consult solicitors you should take this letter with you. If you do not intend to consult solicitors you may contact the writer of this letter, Miss <name>, direct by telephone.



Furthermore, as you are aware, our client is eleven weeks pregnant with your child, she is anxious to know what role you intend to play in this baby’s life in order to support and facilitate this where possible. We would be most obliged if you could inform us of your thoughts in relation to this matter as soon as practicable.



We look forward to hearing from you by return.



Yours faithfully