We don't want visitors in the hospital, apparently selfish...?

[kintenda]

I was talking to my mum a couple of days ago and mentioned that OH and I have discussed the hospital visitor issue, basically arriving at the conclusion that we do not want any visitors for the time that we are there (providing that everything is fine) - we don't mind our parents and OH's parents coming to visit for a little bit at home though. My mum (who is a midwife) said that most people let their parents come and visit and that we are being selfish, that it will be hard for them and OH's parents not to come up to the hospital and see the baby. I have told her that am planning to have uninterrupted skin to skin for at least an hour with the baby, and even after that I do not want the baby to be passed around straight after birth. I think that the time in the hospital is a special time for OH and I, it's not like we will be there very long (just a few hours if everything goes well) and seeing as the baby won't be passed around I don't see the point in them coming up, paying to park, having to entertain people etc (even if just for half an hour each) as I will want a bath and probably a little nap (and doing the first couple of breast feeds)! They can come over after we get home and have a cuddle then, we have no problem with that.

Do we sound selfish or not? I haven't told OH yet about what my mum said as I know that he'll be upset, he sees her as being overcontrolling sometimes. Would really appreciate any feedback, I don't mind if you don't agree, it's just that I almost anticipated that response from her as she likes to be in control of situations and I don't know whether my response in turn is a little over defensive.

(We are in the UK, just to clarify)

 

[Kat22]

I dont think youre being selfish at all !! Its your choice, your baby and your special time. People should respect that no matter whether they feel that youre being selfish or not. Dont let it bother you too much, enjoy that special time however you and your partner would like to.

 

[doggylover]

I don't think it's selfish to ask them not to, but I totally understand where your mum is coming from. My nephew was born last year and I would have been devastated to be told we weren't allowed to visit him when he was 'brand new' as that is the only time he is ever going to be that small. One of my favourite things to tell him is that I got to hold him when he was just 7 hours old, and it was so important to us all.

But if that is what you want, then your mum has to respect that. She'll get plenty of chances to see the baby afterwards, a few hours/ a day won't make much difference really.

 

[purpleshark]

My mum came straight away when I had my daughter and I was so tired I just wanted to sleep. I think it would have been nice to have time with just me and DD (ex left when my mum did-no surprise there) but then I was in hospital for another 3 days so visitors were a welcome sight for me. So I think if you're just in for the day, then you're right not to want visitors but if you are in for longer, you may find yourself wanting to see people

 

[kintenda]

Thank you!
Kat22, thanks for your advice
Doggylover, I've got no problem with them coming over when we get home, where I live they only keep you in for around 6 hours if there are no problems, so baby will still be brand new Obviously if there are problems and we were in for longer then I would have no issue with them coming up to visit, this is our idea in the event of a normal birth with no complications. Sorry I didn't explain that very well x
Purpleshark, I agree - if baby needs to stay in or if I end up with a c-section or something, then they can come up after a couple of hours, but I just think that we will want time on our own initially if we're only going to be there for a few hours. X

 

[purpleshark]

I got so bored and fed up of being in hospital by the time it was time to go home (went on Saturday night and didn't go home til Wednesday afternoon) but like you say, if you're home within the 6 hours (ish) then baby I still very 'new' good for you standing your ground!

 

[Tasha]

I dont think it is selfish, you can never get that newborn time back so you need to do what you're happy with. It doesnt sound like you're talking days and days, but just the first say twelve hours. That isnt selfish.

 

[edigirl82]

NOT selfish at all, I will be exactly the same! I'm tempted to not tell anyone I've had the baby until we're home lol

 

[MrsHopeful]

I also don't want visitors if I am only in 6 hours or so....I think i Will be exhausted....trying to breastfeed and I just won't be able to deal with visitors crowding me.....Ifi am in a few days they can visit but if I am in less than a day I'd rather they came to our home where I will be more relaxed. Plus this is our first and we will want the first few hours as just us. Happy mummy = happy baby.

 

[helena]

My opinion has changed since I became a mum. I would love to see my grand kids ASAP when the day comes and I would feel a bit sad if I couldn't... But I would try and not make a fuss about it, after all we have years to get to know this person. How about visitors but no one holds baby? I think most parents would respect a sort visit, no holding, just a quick kiss and to check you are all fine. Not a prolonged visit obviously. I doubt many would expect that the day the baby arrives.

I am having trouble with telling the inlaws we don't want anyone staying when we come out of hospital ...I want to be breasfeeding and lazing about in my pjs as much as I like. Not with my father in law there while I leak milk and have emotional outbursts!...

 

[kintenda]

I dont think it is selfish, you can never get that newborn time back so you need to do what you're happy with. It doesnt sound like you're talking days and days, but just the first say twelve hours. That isnt selfish.

That is exactly what I'm saying

 

[Sarahrei]

I'm right there with you, I don't want lots of visitors right away, I want to have a minute to spend some time with my child.

Sorry your Mum is disagreeing with you, but I think you're right!

 

[britgirl82]

Nope not at all selfish.

My one big regret with my first is that we let people come and visit too soon. It meant we didn't get as long as a new family as we wanted, and spent time entertaining other people/getting them cups of tea. Plus it meant we had to cope with a newborn for the first time infront of other people (I was getting used to breastfeeding, nappy changing etc - it can be stressful and not something you want to do with an audience!!).

You'll never get that time back. It's your baby: not your mum's, not your MIL's. Yours.

 

[sethsmummy]

nope hun you are not selfish at all. And id make sure you put your foot down about visitors once your home too.

With my 1st i had no visitors in the hospital until the sunday (he was born friday) which was my parents and my sister with her hubby and 3 kids all at the same time! I didnt mind that... as id had my day bonding alone with my son. What i did have a problem with is i got discharged that night and they all came to my house.... i had to do cups of coffee etc, didnt even get a seat on my sofa!! PLUS i was made to walk to the take away and moaned at because i was going slow... um iv just had a baby for goodness sake!

This time round i want my parents to come once baby is born as hopefully they will have my son. Then when i get home i dont want anyone apart from whoever brings me home which will be my parents or a taxi! People will be told they arrange with us when they are coming, they can only stay a few hours.. they do their own cups of tea/coffee and I WILL be sitting on my sofa. I am going to be very very strict this time as my friend is adamant she is staying at my house when i am due, and not leaving us alone once baby is here... and my sister now has 4 kids who are little so and so's when they are here!

 

[NoodleSnack]

It depends on the culture that your parents are used to, I think in their time, withholding baby from close family members would not be something they do, whether they want to or not. I wouldn't tell my parents, my brothers, or my in laws (of which there's a lot), not to come see us or our baby, it would be considered very rude. Whether I like it or not, I have to welcome them. On their side, it's just expected that everyone comes to see the baby, it would be a slight if one doesn't, but mothers usually stay in the hospital for longer than a day.

But at the end of the day, it's your decision, even if it's selfish, so what? If you know that's what you want, stand your ground. Being selfish is not always bad.

 

[New Mrs W]

Can I ask if this is your first baby? I think sometimes, trying to look ahead to this massive event in your life (and in your parents' lives) you have no idea how you will feel at the time - you can't even imagine it. I was so happy to see my parents and in-laws and the joy in their faces when they met my boy made the whole thing so special. They didn't come until early evening so I'd had my skin-to-skin for a good couple of hours, had been feeding him, had been in the shower and had cleaned Frankie up and dressed him. It just felt so right to have them there. I would encourage you to keep an open mind rather than telling people right now what will happen. You might well change your mind. If not, your DH can ring people and tell them that baby is here and that family is welcome to come and meet him once you are home. I found that I wanted the first couple of hours at home on our own rather than being alone at the hospital surrounded by other mums and their families. HTH xxx

 

[kintenda]

Thanks for all of your responses girls. Discussed it with OH earlier and he is really irritated that my mum is not listening to our wishes on it. I'll show him the thread later! I think we will just have to stick up for what we feel later. It really upsets me when my mum doesn't listen to me - I love her very much but she often disregards my opinions and it drives me mad! A baby related example is that she keeps giving me disposable nappies when she's seen that we have both a newborn and birth to potty cloth stash! I've also told her that I won't be going upcountry with her in the summer to visit a relative as OH and I feel that it is too far, baby will be too young for such a long drive and OH doesn't want to be apart from us that early on - she thinks that we are being silly. The problem is that when I bring things up (like the visiting issue in this thread) she gets really irritable if it is something that doesn't agree with what she wants or what she thinks is right. I don't want to upset her, but it irritates me that she agrees that we need extended skin to skin etc and then wants to disrupt that by visiting... Gahh!! Thanks for listening ladies. X

 

[lch28]

i agree with you . If i was only in the hospital for 6 hours i would not want anyone there. Where I am they keep you for 2-3 days, So the day after my family is welcome to come

 

[kintenda]

Can I ask if this is your first baby? I think sometimes, trying to look ahead to this massive event in your life (and in your parents' lives) you have no idea how you will feel at the time - you can't even imagine it. I was so happy to see my parents and in-laws and the joy in their faces when they met my boy made the whole thing so special. They didn't come until early evening so I'd had my skin-to-skin for a good couple of hours, had been feeding him, had been in the shower and had cleaned Frankie up and dressed him. It just felt so right to have them there. I would encourage you to keep an open mind rather than telling people right now what will happen. You might well change your mind. If not, your DH can ring people and tell them that baby is here and that family is welcome to come and meet him once you are home. I found that I wanted the first couple of hours at home on our own rather than being alone at the hospital surrounded by other mums and their families. HTH xxx

Hi hun, yes this is our first and I think you are right - we don't know how we'll feel, which is why I've just said not to come to the hospital if we will only be there a few hours. I'm used to my mum taking over in situations and as she often works on delivery suite, I just want a normal experience without her asking the docs/midwives personal questions about stuff etc. If we are able to get home first then we will have had chance to clean ourselves up, breast feed, have time on our own together as a family - then I expect we will see them at home before the baby is even 12 hours old, which is fine, just want some early time on our own! Part of the issue now is that I think that she may just ignore what we've asked and turn up anyway, she was talking before about waiting on delivery suite just in case the midwife is one that she doesn't trust to look after me, hoping that I've managed to talk her out of that one... Xx

Noodlesnack, I think it's more of a personal opinion thing than a culture in our case, but I understand where you are coming from! We are honestly not dictating that they don't visit, far from it, would just like it to be at home a few hours later when I've had a bath and we've had some separate, early private bonding time. Xx

 

[claireyfairy]

I don't mean to upset anyone but I disagree. You have to remember your their baby they want to see you have come out the other side of childbirth ok as well as their grandchild.
We let grandparents in to see lo after I had showered and was back in bed. They didn't stop long at all as they could see we were all exhausted but they came in had a hold and a piccie and left us to it until much later that day. OH family and mine are all close though and I understand not everybody is as comfortable with this idea as we were.

If I was a grandparent I would obviously accept your decision but I would feel hurt.